I am my own problem.

I don't really want to air out my dirty laundry so I'll keep things short and straightforward. I have been in a relationship for 20 years. We were young. I didn't really know who I was. Now, with more experience and time, I have a better understanding of what I want out of life.

Basically, I have fantasized about living a poly lifestyle. I would say the urge is stronger than a compulsion. I don't want to have these fantasies. I don't want these desires. But they just sit there in my head and linger. I have seen therapists and have gotten basically useless advice, "Take up a hobby, be open and communicate, etc. Blah blah blah."

My partner didn't ask for this. They are strictly monogamous. It's not fair to push that on them. I am my problem. I haven't had any luck with researching anything on how to stop having these "desires," but I figured, hey, why not ask around? Maybe a different perspective could help.
 
In psychology, obsessions are repeated and unwanted thoughts that cause anxiety. Compulsions are repetitive behaviors people perform to temporarily relieve this anxiety. For example, a person may have intrusive thoughts about germs or contamination.

In your case, it sounds like your intrusive thoughts are about polyamory. And I take it that you currently want to avoid divorce so you can be free to go build a polyamorous life with new people, and your current wife is free to build a monogamous life with a new person. However, this is quite a common outcome.

I suspect that your frustration with the situation will likely lead you to concluding that all advice is useless, but here is some from a web article and I will continue my commentary below.

How to control an obsession​

The challenge then is to make our obsessions function positively, controlling them so they don't control us, extracting the benefit of obsession without succumbing to its detriments. To do this, the following strategies may be helpful:

  1. Distract yourself at varying intervals. Using force of will to tame an obsession is like fighting to overcome anxiety by denying it exists: rarely does it do anything but make it worse. Instead, find something attractive and pleasurable to distract you from your obsession, to provide you a break from thinking about it. This will help remind you on an emotional level that other things in life are still important. Read a gripping novel, watch an entertaining movie, help a friend in distress. Do something that takes you out of your own head.
  2. Accomplish a task that helps put your obsession behind you. Sometimes an obsession holds us in its power and refuses to let us go because we simply haven't finished with it. Perhaps we haven't revised a book chapter, haven't planned the last details of a trip, haven't asked out someone on whom we have a crush. Tell yourself that once you've reached the next milestone, you're going to take a break. Often taking a solid step forward in some way frees you to walk away from an obsession temporarily to recharge your batteries. And when you do, turn back to something else in your life you've been neglecting.
  3. Focus on your greater mission. As I wrote in an earlier post, "The Importance of Having a Mission," finding and embracing a mission in life will defend you against the sense your life is meaningless. And if you're able to care about a mission that in some way brings joy to or removes suffering from others, you'll find yourself more firmly anchored, upright, and balanced when a wave of obsessive thoughts threatens to carry you away.
  4. Adopt a practice that grounds you. Chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. Meditate. Take up karate. Or dancing. Do something physical in different surroundings to engage a different part of your mind that's interested in other things besides your obsession.5. Allow time to pass. With time, many obsessions gradually lose their flavor.
  5. Listen to what others tell you. If your close friends and family express concern over your being obsessed, they're probably right. Be open to these messages.

I'm not arguing here that we should seek to extinguish obsession; I'm arguing we should seek to control it. Our ability to bend our emotions to our will is poor, but not our ability to manage them. We can make our obsessions work for us rather than work us over. And we can learn to let them go when the time comes.

You have come to a board about polyamory to get advice on how to stop fantasizing about polyamory. What research have you done into the actual practicalities of polyamory? Do you want us to put you off with the logistics, because I can assure you, it's hard. There are so many issues with time management, effective communication in the polycule, or by the hinge(s) if parallel for whatever reasons, legalities almost regardless of where you live, tax and health insurance disparities if in the USA, financial management to be able to meet the needs of and with multiple partners (including simply dating), being "out" or not to friends and family and what this means for extramarital partners' dignity/status when things like holidays or celebrations occur. The nitty gritty of actually living polyamorously in a (Western) world set up to cater for monogamy is brutal. This may help you deconstruct the fantasy.

Also, you have said that you married young and have grown into this desire to the point that it has become an intrusive fantasy. Can you recall the origin of your awareness about polyamory? What caused the initial curiosity? Was it on your radar even before whatever other "dirty laundry" your marriage has (that you certainly don't need to share, please know I'm not asking)? Perhaps looking back in time to the source of your awareness in a meditative way will help you identify what the core personal issue was at that time that your mind chose polyamory as the ideal solution, and has since gone on to put polyamory on a pedestal that has resulted in the obsession (over something which you're very likely only seeing the positive things in your fantasy world of it).

You have obviously been feeding your fantasies, because that's the wolf that's currently winning. Only you will really know what it takes for you to stop doing that; all the "how" advice will seem useless until you really dig deep, deeper than you are likely aware of right now, into why you want to feed this wolf.
 
In your case, it sounds like your intrusive thoughts are about polyamory. And I take it that you currently want to avoid divorce so you can be free to go build a polyamorous life with new people, and your current wife is free to build a monogamous life with a new person. However, this is quite a common outcome.

I suspect that your frustration with the situation will likely lead you to concluding that all advice is useless, but here is some from a web article and I will continue my commentary below.



You have come to a board about polyamory to get advice on how to stop fantasizing about polyamory. What research have you done into the actual practicalities of polyamory? Do you want us to put you off with the logistics, because I can assure you, it's hard. There are so many issues with time management, effective communication in the polycule, or by the hinge(s) if parallel for whatever reasons, legalities almost regardless of where you live, tax and health insurance disparities if in the USA, financial management to be able to meet the needs of and with multiple partners (including simply dating), being "out" or not to friends and family and what this means for extramarital partners' dignity/status when things like holidays or celebrations occur. The nitty gritty of actually living polyamorously in a (Western) world set up to cater for monogamy is brutal. This may help you deconstruct the fantasy.

Also, you have said that you married young and have grown into this desire to the point that it has become an intrusive fantasy. Can you recall the origin of your awareness about polyamory? What caused the initial curiosity? Was it on your radar even before whatever other "dirty laundry" your marriage has (that you certainly don't need to share, please know I'm not asking)? Perhaps looking back in time to the source of your awareness in a meditative way will help you identify what the core personal issue was at that time that your mind chose polyamory as the ideal solution, and has since gone on to put polyamory on a pedestal that has resulted in the obsession (over something which you're very likely only seeing the positive things in your fantasy world of it).

You have obviously been feeding your fantasies, because that's the wolf that's currently winning. Only you will really know what it takes for you to stop doing that; all the "how" advice will seem useless until you really dig deep, deeper than you are likely aware of right now, into why you want to feed this wolf.
That has legitimately been some of the best advice I have gotten.

I could answer a few of those questions, but I want to take the time and mull what you have said over.
 
I would just like some clarification. Are you overly excited and obsessed with having more than one life partner, and all that entails? Why? What would be the benefits? What would be the cons?

Or are you actually confused about terminology? Some people think polyamory means group sex. Especially, many men think polyamory means to have two women in bed at once, having sex with both at once.

Is there some confusion around that for you? The FMF threesome sex fantasy is the most common sex fantasy for men.

But polyamory means "more than one love." It doesn't actually mean group sex, at all. It means dating or living with more than one person whom you fully and truly love. It means commitment to their well-being. It means taking on all the responsibilities you'd take on in a mono relationship, only with two or more people. It means dating them. It means meeting their sexual needs. (If any-- some polyamorous people are asexual.) It means taking care of them when they are sick. It means contending with their emotional needs, sympathizing with them and helping them if they are moving, lose a job, have to take care of an ill aging relative, or say goodbye to a loved one who dies. It means dealing with their children, if any.

It also requires you to come out as polyamorous to at least some of the people in your life. You'd be seen out on dates with someone other than your partner/spouse, and if seen, some people you might run into will be confused and start rumors or gossip about you cheating.

If you have children, will they be told? If they suspect or know, what will they think? What will they say about it to their friends, teachers, grandparents?

One thing I'd recommend is to get the book Opening Up. It explains the difference between polyamory, open relationships and swinging. (Swinging generally does mean group sex of some kind.)

Maybe if you actually learn more about this topic, you won't keep it as an obsessive fantasy and will become more grounded in reality.
 
Hello justanaveragejoe,

Polyamory isn't for everyone, and it sounds like it's not for you, as you have a strictly monogamous partner and do not want to break up with them. On the other hand, you do say that when you first got together, you were young, and didn't know who you were, and now you have a better understanding of what you want out of life. So on some level, are you thinking that this relationship was/is a mistake? Or is that another notion that you would like to extinguish?

Have you discussed your polyamorous inclination with your partner? Have you made a list of pros and cons about polyamory? Maybe it would help you to read some of the threads on this forum, see if you can find out what sort of difficulties people have when they try polyamory, or when their partner wants to try it. You don't want to hurt your partner, right? What's the best way to avoid hurting them? You know, you can have that poly inclination, but just not act on it.

Some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
I want to clarify a few things while I am trying to put a proper response together.

I do understand the difference between poly, swinging, and open relationships. That's why I feel it is problematic for me, because swinging and open relationships are somewhat easier, in many regards, whereas poly has a lot of challenges that are not for everyone.

I agree with kdt26417 that poly as a lifestyle is not right for me and my partner.

In terms of awareness, I would say around puberty I was aware of the desire. But at the time, being raised in a religious household, I chalked it up to being "sinful," etc. I didn't understand what those feelings were, but in retrospect it is rather clear.


My partner is aware and we have had discussions about the topic. I also haven't cheated or anything. This has really just been uncovered in therapy to treat depression and PTSD.

Tldr;

What I am asking and why I am asking here is this just isn't the time or situation in my life to explore these fantasies.

I wanted advice from people with actual experience who can give feedback in a meaningful way, not just an educated way.

So how do you cope with having the desire and be comfortable with not acting on it?
 
Well, we don't know what you might find "meaningful." Accurate info can be meaningful or impactful. We can provide information, share our experiences, and then you decide what works for you.

It's a fact that many people who are raised in a strict patriarchal religion, and marry their first partner, often feel like they are missing out on having had the sexual/romantic experiences most people in the Western world get to experience before getting legally hitched. I know for a fact many many people get so much FOMO, they cheat. Others divorce and relive their 20s in their 40s or 50s.

Luckily, I was not raised that way. While I did get married too young (22) I'd already made out with many people and had dated/had sex with 10 of them! But as I am sure you know, you are not alone. This is a board for practicing polyamory, not for denying oneself of this love style.

Are you still religious, or have you left the church? Has your "partner" also left the church? (If this is a church/religion thing. Maybe poly seems inappropriate right now for another reason, such as your partner being ill and needing a lot of care and financial support, or something)

Are you looking for some kind of halfway solution, like being able to at least discuss your promiscuous/polyamorous desires with your "partner"? To tell them when you see someone attractive, or get a crush, at least?
 
I don't envy your position. There are many people raised in strict religion who are poly. I understand that you didn't specifically say religion was part of why you don't think this is the time or situation where you can do this, but I think it's either that, or you just really don't want to fail your wife, with whom you have made a life commitment.

My personal experience has ex-Mormons or ex-Christians in it. I am agnostic and do not believe in organized religion (I think it's more harmful than helpful) but everyone I've dated has been atheist after being religious. Most come to poly when they realize everything they have learned/been taught is nothing but lies and harmful, controlling messages. I have not met a currently practicing Christian poly person, although they do exist. I would guess that the ones who stay Christian do so because they live in the Bible Belt and not attending church weekly would be noticed. But they have mostly abandoned the teachings and worked hard to overcome the built-in shame that's programmed into them through religion.

You have to figure out for yourself what your religion means to you and how much influence you want it to have in your life. If it's super important, then your biggest option is through the church. As any pastor/priest would say, pray about it. Ask God for help ridding you of these unwelcome feelings.

I would make an assumption that this method isn't helpful, as it's been used by so many people with un-Christian feelings who eventually leave the church to live their truth, or kill themselves because they think they are not worth saving because they have failed at being a good Christian. Maybe find another Christian denomination that is more accepting, such as Unitarian Universalism, or Quakerism, where you can have your Christian beliefs while connecting to your God on your terms and finding out that he loves you regardless of what that book that men wrote says.

Psychology has shown that the more you try to deprive yourself of natural feelings, the stronger those feelings become. Unfortunately, if those feelings are contrary to your beliefs, one of them has to give. Mind you, fully feeling your feelings is different than acting on them. But with religion, even the act of allowing yourself to accept and feel them fully is a sin and comes with a ton of guilt and shame that you'll also have to feel.

If this is not about religion and more about your commitment to your wife, then the psychology is still true. You'll be unhappy stuffing your feelings and true self to try to make it work. Sometimes you have to let go of something you love, the commitment you made, your ideals or values, so each of you can find happiness in this life we have to live.

In the end, you'll have to choose or it will tear you apart. I do not envy the position you are in. I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful.
 
So how do you cope with having the desire and be comfortable with not acting on it?
When the desire is who you truly are, and not just a fantasy, then I don’t think you can ever be comfortable if you feel you have to compromise yourself, or live a lie, to make your wife happy. The cost will be depression, hollow feelings, it may push you to cheat but ultimately will undermine your relationship anyway. You may resent your wife for not accepting who you are.

You can choose not to act on it now but I think you deserve to acknowledge who you are, and to ask your wife to accept who you are.

Take time. Spend a year reading everything you can. Hang out here and learn from others. Talk about what you learn with your wife. Keep it gentle but not buried. Perhaps in time, as you continue to show her how much you love, cherish and desire her - despite other attractions - she may feel secure enough to want you to be the fullest expression of yourself. If not, then perhaps you will no longer feel able to stay married. However, the time you spend learning will never be wasted as it will enhance all your relationships, both now and in the future.

Best of luck.
 
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