I am ready to pull the plug

L

Lizzy30

New member
So I'm new to this poly world. My boyfriend (of over 2yrs) and I have talked about my "fantasy" (a gf for him) for a while. He finally met a girl. He met her and had sex with her that 1st night, spent the next day with her then told me that same night, we never keep things from each other. This is issue #1.

So now 4 weeks later, he has been all over her, I feel way too much - although I do understand in order for us all to be 1 unit, this must be. The problem is I know their connection is really strong. I've been trying to connect with her but I can't. In all this time we have all been together twice and bcz of my suggestions.

We had no rules in this but certain things were getting outta hand. One night he said he was dropping off something at her place, then coming to see me but he ended up coming really late bcz of course he ended up making out with her. Then they would spend the night together and she would still be there when he comes back home from work. I cut that out for sure, I feel like she shouldn't do things I don't. I love him so much but lately we argue so much and its becoming an issue.

I sometimes feel like I'm crazy, I have no one to talk to but him. He gets really angry at me when I'm jealous. He treats me as if I'm immature about this but of course I am it's been 4 weeks only and we have no experience with this. I'm on the verge, I don't know how to deal. I shouldn't be crying myself to sleep when he's with her, it should be pleasurable. Pls help!
 
Lizzy30 said:
So now 4 weeks later, he has been all over her, I feel way too much - although I do understand in order for us all to be 1 unit, this must be. The problem is I know their connection is really strong. I've been trying to connect with her but I can't. In all this time we have all been together twice and bcz of my suggestions.
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Not everyone in a V has to connect. You don't have to function as one unit. The relationship can potentially function just fine if broken into two units: his with you, and his with her. In what way have you all been together on these two occasions? Socially, sexually, other? I'm fond of everyone getting along socially -- at least well enough to maintain the courtesies -- but I've found reasons to hesitate before throwing everyone in bed together.

Lizzy30 said:
We had no rules in this but certain things were getting outta hand. One night he said he was dropping off something at her place, then coming to see me but he ended up coming really late bcz of course he ended up making out with her. Then they would spend the night together and she would still be there when he comes back home from work. I cut that out for sure, I feel like she shouldn't do things I don't. I love him so much but lately we argue so much and its becoming an issue.
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He's in the throes of a new infatuation. It's not good for thinking rationally, and it's good at throwing things way off-kilter. Search NRE or limerance.

However... you and she are not the same person, even if you're both seeing the same guy. Why shouldn't she do things you don't? Each person offers a different appeal.

OTOH, you may be protesting that she's getting more of the sort of attention you want. In which case, rather than cutting out the attention she receives, why not speak out for what you want/need? As the hinge, your BF needs to balance affections between the two of you. He may not be quick to realize this from subtle clues like tone of voice or body language so it never hurts to lay it out in plain words. Also remember that, from the sounds of it, all of this is new to him, too.

Lizzy30 said:
I sometimes feel like I'm crazy, I have no one to talk to but him. He gets really angry at me when I'm jealous. He treats me as if I'm immature about this but of course I am it's been 4 weeks only and we have no experience with this. I'm on the verge, I don't know how to deal. I shouldn't be crying myself to sleep when he's with her, it should be pleasurable. Pls help!
Click to expand...

Don't "should" on yourself. You're going to feel what you are going to feel. However, you are not necessarily a prisoner of your feelings. You can decide how you are going to act on them. Why should it be pleasurable that he's with her? Because, perhaps, that how it played out in the fantasy? Fantasies rarely mesh with hard reality. Compersion is not necessarily easy to achieve.

I'd personally recommend talking more to him. To her, too, if you can. Maybe as a group. Get everyone to lay out their desires and expectations on the table. Find out where they mesh, where they differ. Grope your way to a middle ground and understanding.
 
Ok, this is somewhat similar to what I dealt with recently. I made a few mistakes so I'm not going to tell you to do those. What I will advise is that you sit down and work out practical ways you can maintain your relationship through his NRE. I suggested none of us message the other when on a date, ever, at all. And that we plan our dates in advance so we make sure we see each other as much as we used to. Also no leaving her house in the morning and coming straight to me. His ability to compartmentalise was seriously affected at this time and would often still be in 'G mode' when he should be in "London mode".

Just having these simple rules seemed to highlight that I wasn't being insanely jealous, our relationship had suffered since he started the new one and it became clear that resources are finite and limitations are real. They split up and I do feel awful about that but there was no way both relationships were going to survive in the long term.

If he hadn't kept to the rules, I'd have left. It was a last ditch attempt to get him to snap out of the NRE.
 
Hi Lizzie, welcome to the board. I am sorry you are having a hard time.

You say it was your own fantasy that your bf get another gf, and now he has one and it's not fulfilling for you. Did you mean you and your bf were to share a gf? She was supposed to be a lover for both of you, in your fantasy? But now she doesn't seem eager to be with you at all, and instead your bf is all twitterpated and neglecting you?

Did this new gf (nicknames for her an bf would help) know that she was expected to be a "unicorn" in your relationship? Is she even bi, or bi curious?
 
If you don't want a bf, what do you want? Your bf's gf? Or could seek a gf of your own.

But no, I think first thing on your roster is dealing with your feelings around your bf's behaviors, and setting some guidelines to make you more comfortable, so you can feel cherished and respected despite his NRE.

NRE, new relationship energy, fades over time. But there are many tips here for lessening its effects, if you do a search. Search NRE and jealousy tags.
 
Tks Magdlyn, great advice. I am actually not bi however we have all slept together twice (it was great). I definitely was avoiding guidelines bcz to me that is like restrictions. I believe that will only make them uncomfortable and cause problems for him and I. I love this man sooo much and I want to be with him regardless so I will look into NRE to help us thru this better.
 
NRE does fade so these behaviours won't last forever. However, it's important within that time to make sure that existing relationships aren't suffering as a result. Patterns can get set that become habits if they're allowed to continue.

Their relationship doesn't make you feel bad. Your thoughts about their relationship are what makes you feel bad. Your needs not being met because resources are limited is what makes you feel bad. Her staying at his house when he's at work doesn't make you feel bad.

Another good way to distinguish direct effects from thought-effects is to replace "girlfriend" with "new job." You wouldn't try to control the things he does at his job. But if he started a job that was taking up a lot more time, or if he was coming home completely drained and exhausted so that there's nothing left for quality time, then that affects you.

For example, what need of yours is being met by asking them not to do things that you and he don't do? Are these things that you've always wanted to do but he wouldn't agree to them? Or are they things that aren't even possible for you and him because of other factors, like your own job? What difference, really, does it make in your life if she's at his house when you and him are both at work?

It's important to distinguish between "guidelines for our relationship" and "guidelines for their relationship." It's perfectly acceptable to have needs and ask for your partner to participate in keeping those needs met. That's different from trying to control their relationship.

An example of an "our relationship guideline" would be: Keep your agreements. If you tell me you're coming over at 8:00 and you stop at her place on the way, make sure you leave early enough that you can get here by 8:00 like you said.

An example of a "their relationship guideline" would be: Don't stay over at his place when he's at work.

Setting guidelines for your relationship is a way to get your needs met. Setting guidelines for their relationship is a way to control other independent human beings. People don't like to be controlled and it usually results in the opposite of what you're trying to accomplish.
 
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Lizzy30 said:
So now 4 weeks later, he has been all over her, I feel way too much - although I do understand in order for us all to be 1 unit, this must be. The problem is I know their connection is really strong. I've been trying to connect with her but I can't. In all this time we have all been together twice and bcz of my suggestions.
Click to expand...

Lizzy30 said:
I cut that out for sure, I feel like she shouldn't do things I don't. I love him so much but lately we argue so much and its becoming an issue.
Click to expand...

You're new to open relationships, so I'll try to be gentle. But these are serious red flags for me.

The first is the first section I highlighted: You have an idea that you have to date "as a unit." This is totally untrue. While it's possible, many, many poly people date separately; while still having very strong connections within the core poly group. I would think to yourself why you want this.

The second is the idea that she "can't" do things with him that you don't. Their relationship isn't your relationship. Think about it with your friends; if your friend loved salsa dancing, and you didn't, would you forbid your friend from dancing with another friend? Of course not. If there are things they are doing that YOU want to be doing with him, then TELL him. He isn't a mind reader. She is obviously confident enough to ask for what she wants. Step up and have that same confidence.

It sounds like you are close to ultimatum. Just a couple of warnings: 1) If you make him choose, he may not choose you. 2) Even if he chooses you, he's obviously giving up someone he cares about. Do you really want to do this to him? Even if he doesn't resent you/end up cheating on you/eventually leave you, that's a pretty shitty thing to do to someone you claim to love.
 
Greetings Lizzy30,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Before making too many rules (or pulling the plug), focus on trying to communicate to your boyfriend that you are feeling neglected due to his NRE. He needs to understand that when you have a new partner, you have to be extra careful to make sure your original partner doesn't feel neglected in any way.

This is new for both of you, so give it some time and don't saddle yourselves with too many expectations. You're going to make some mistakes and suffer some disappointments in the early months (years!). Polyamory takes a lot of work and patience (and like all romantic arrangements, an element of risk), but it has a reputation for being worth it.

Hang in there and keep us posted!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

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