I cannot help you with codependence. Do you see a therapist for that?
At minimum, could separate your stuff/reactions from her stuff/reactions. I grey her stuff out.
I feel like if I forgive myself first, she'll just see it as my not thinking I did anything wrong.
The point is for YOU to forgive you so YOU can be at peace. Nothing to do with her.
You could rewrite that sentence like...
When I do something wrong and I realize it? I own it. I apologize. In future, I resolve to do ___ instead. I try to make amends and repairs with those I have hurt. I accept they might not want to. Then I forgive myself.
You can know you did something wrong and go through the process. Have you done those things? If so, forgive yourself, and give yourself the gift of peace. So you can move your life forward having learned from the past.
The other person doesn't have to forgive you for you to forgive yourself.
I don't want to do anything to make her think that I don't take my past mistakes seriously.
You are not responsible for her thoughts. You are not the pilot of the brain machine. She is.
It is clear from your writing you take things seriously.
I think she already feels like I don't care, because when she brings it up, I make a face like "Oh, here we go again!"
That is your honest reaction. I do same when I listen to the Alzheimer barmy going round in circles over here.
I'm tired of hearing about it, but I don't know how to forgive myself without making things worse.
You already live in hell, from the sound of it. So lighten the hell load where you can. Forgive yourself. Get at least that much off your plate.
Cuz really what would be "making things worse" be here? She has another cow? So what?
Already raining cows.
She accuses you of not caring? So what?
Already accuses.
She likes flogging you with the past. Why do YOU have to be doing extra flogging too? Forgive yourself and stop flogging. Doesn't get you out of hell, but it makes hell a little bit less arduous.
Peace when confronted with it would be great, but perceived apathy is disasterous!
I don't understand this sentence. Could you please be willing to clarify? What is the disaster that happens?
And if I say something about something I think we need to work on, she tells me that I have no right being impatient with her, considering the patience she showed me for so long.
You have a right to bring up up present concerns.
If she doesn't want to listen to them? Because she is too busy punishing YOU for HER own lack of action back then? Who made her go that long? She could have walked away. She didn't have to "be patient for 10 years."
If I try to have a care-free attitude, it's taken as arrogant, condescending, or smug.
You are not the pilot of her brain machine.
If having a better attitude helps YOUR life today be less arduous? Go for it.
If I speak with any emotion in my voice, it's taken as impatience, or inconsideration for the past.
You are not the pilot of her brain machine.
You are allowed to have and appropriately express your own emotions.
She needs to get used to my being confident about where I stand without thinking that I'm trying to dictate her behaviors.
Do you mean...
"I can just be confident about I where I stand."
Sure. Go ahead. You can just live your life confidently now. Be firm about what you will and will not put up with. The more you do it? The more opportunities for her to just get used to it.
She can do what she wants, but she won't get away from hearing about how her actions make me feel.
What difference would that make? It's not like she listens to how you feel anyway. You are not "allowed" to have emotions or be impatient. It ends up in the vortex, and that sounds like waste of your time to me.
If you do say something? Don't go long. Just say "I don't like it when I see you you do ___. I prefer you do Y instead. Could you please be willing to do that? Yes or no?" And leave it there. She either is or isn't.
She wants to go into the vortex? She can go without you. You see her going there? You can say "I will take it as a "No." You won't be doing that." And you walk away.
Considerate people will adjust. If she just plain doesn't want to consider you any? And living with her is hell? You could stop living there.
I'm not trying to be a wet blanket.
Just saying... maybe you want to think about changing your way of going? Talk to a therapist instead of her about how you feel? Where the conversation might actually be
helpful to you rather than falling on deaf ears? And with her? Less talk, more confident action.
If it ends up that you have let the past go? And she wants to live in the past? Like a bee in her bonnet she cannot let go? And it makes relating to her impossible and unpleasant for you? Can't poly with her like that?
Could decide you've tried long enough and confidently walk away.
You get to pick how you want to be living your life.
Galagirl