I have to get better at telling the difference between kitchen sinking and relevant statements that I'm just being resistant to, or just not picking up. I know that effective listening should clue me in, but when I'm focused on something particular, like a boundary I want to explain, or a specific point I want to make, I'll miss her focus change and see what she's saying as irrelevant.
Sounds like you know when you are not actively listening for understanding.
You are busy in your head thinking what you are going to say next.
So if you want to be a better listener, you have to actually practice active listening.
If you really are dealing with an unmanaged bipolar patient, active listening ALONE won't solve all the things. You may have to seek medical help.
I'm thinking of asking for a slower pace when we discuss a disagreement, so I don't fly off the road when we turn a corner.
Slower pace is good.
Could also say "Wait. Let me repeat what I understand so far in my own words so I get it how you mean it. You correct me if I get it wrong...."
Or ask "Ok. Could you please repeat back what I just said in your own words so I can know you got it how I meant it?"
I want to have confidence in my convictions, but it comes across as arrogance.
(I think I am right often enough to justify my confidence, and I can admit when I'm wrong, if it's effectively communicated.)
Well, HOW do you say things?
I want to express my wants and needs, but it comes across as making demands.
Again... HOW do you say things?
Because something like "I would like ____. Could you please be willing to do that?" is a request. It is not a demand. They can say "no."
If people take that as a demand? That's their brain machine flying wonky, not me doing mean things to them.
I want to be able to point out when Ms Fisher's behaviors are having a negative impact on me, but it comes across as an attack.
(I have the same issue when my actions are in question.)
Sounds like both of you are quick to take things personally.
Why do you want to point stuff out? For what purpose? Is there another way to solve it?
My dad does the same thing -- takes unsolicited feedback on his behaviors as a personal attack. He's super vain, super sensitive, and lacks empathy for others. I also get the vibe that as a child he was "shamed into behaving" or "guilted into behaving" a lot. So old buttons get pushed if I take that kind of approach or he
perceives that I'm doing that even if I'm not.
I find it easier to just skip the "feelings stuff" with him and move on to "behaviors" I want to see from him. I deal with my feelings around his care with other people, not him. Result? I have a way easier time with him that anyone else.
I just note when behavior X he is doing is impacting me negatively.
I would not really care to discuss or process my feelings with him if he's busy being Mr Angry Bear. Does that
change the behavior that bothers me? Nope. It's like going off on some side track conversation. My Mr Angry Bear is too angry to listen to that. IME, he just gets madder if I throw MORE things on the pile. He gets overwhelmed and then the anger will come out aimed at me because he thinks I'm the one piling on more stuff. And I would be.
Instead? I just request a different behavior. Skip the talking and get on to actions. "Could you please be willing to ____?" He either is or isn't.
If he is and changes to a new behavior? There. My problems get solved. He's doing something else now and
not bugging me.
And if he's not willing to do the new action behavior? Well, I asked and tried to connect/collaborate.
I'm ok with my train leaving the station at that point and just moving on to deal with whatever it is by myself. He can sit around fretting on his own. I can leave the room to cool off and solve the thing. Or cool off and just wait til next opportunity to address this.
There's no cure for him. Only management, so some of this stuff just circles back around. Like I said, there is no such thing as "cow free" here. All I can do is try to help him manage so there's smaller cows, spread further apart.
Take from that whatever is helpful in your situation.
Galagirl