Hellogoaty
New member
My partner and I have been together for 2 years. I am a 41 year old male. She is a 27 year old female. We are both pansexual. However, I have had mostly hetero encounters and relationships, and she has had a bit more of a mix. This is the first "official" ENM relationship for either of us.
The nearly 15-year age gap between us has certainly been criticized by some of our friends and family, but mostly it is accepted with compassion and people can see that we love each other deeply and make a good team. She is a mature 27 year old, I'm a bit immature for 41. Clearly neither of us have judgements about age discrepancies, and both of us have previously dated people that were older or younger.
I have been away from my partner [let's call her Clara] for over a month and a half now, and will likely be away for more than another month, maybe longer. She is a bartender at a popular spot that we both love and frequent, a job she had just started while I was away. I knew this would put her in a position for lots of sexual opportunities. She's attractive and young and friendly. People hit on her all the time. I expressed that I understood that, and obviously it's fine, as long as she stays communicative about it.
We have agreed that there are fair grounds for relaying an encounter after the fact. Obviously, some things happen spontaneously and that's fine. But if we see something coming or want to pursue something, it should be brought up first. She has had many more hookups than I have over the past two years, one that turned into more of a girlfriend to her at one point, and I have been okay with all of it, since it was communicated and there were conversations.
Now, within the first 2 weeks of her new job at the bar she started hooking up with someone who is a regular, along with a hookup at our house in our room with a guy she'd met a couple times, and one of our female housemates, also at our house, in our room. I had asked for a boundary of not sleeping with people in our bed. It's basically the only boundary I've asked for. She thought it was silly, but agreed to it, so that just went out the window. But the main issue I'm having is the regular from the bar. He's a 68 year old man.
During that week of hooking up with these people, she had gone to his house to sleep with him [let's call him John], and brought him to our house to hang out with our friends (we live in a large house with a total of 7 people) and slept with him in our bed. She didn't tell me about any of this until days after it had all happened. When she first told me about the old man, I thought she was joking. Then she conveyed that there's the possibility that feelings could be developing there. In those moments my mind went from shock, to incredulity, to disgust. I had to hang up the phone and collect myself. I know she is into older guys, but I didn't realize it extended into that range.
Clara said, "Well, he's not George Clooney," referring to his looks, and when I ask what's the attraction here, I get vague answers like, "He's really sweet, treats me well, etc." She said she had no initial attraction to him, but after exchanging numbers with him for whatever reason, he had soon started texting her sexually-oriented messages. Her interest was piqued. One night she decided to go for it, went over to his apartment alone, and had sex on and off for 4 hours. Apparently the sex is great.
Then, like I said, on some other occasion she brought John to the house and was in our room for hours. I only have an account of him from my one closest friend at the house, who hung out with them briefly. She said she found nothing attractive about him, he's just an old drunk at the bar that people recognize, that he said he moved here long ago for the weather and all the beautiful women... So she got the impression that this isn't the first hot younger girl he's bagged. According to Clara, everyone else at the house liked John and got along and one of the girls even offered her room to use, if I didn't want Clara using our room.
Then last week she "gave me an option," saying she wanted to spend the night with John and that there was going to be a big family dinner at the house, and she wanted to bring him and have him stay over, and that if I wasn't comfortable with that, then she would go out to dinner with him and stay at his place. I said I didn't want either of these things, that I'm not comfortable with any of this intimacy with John, but obviously I would choose that he not come over and stay, if those are the only options I'm given.
Any feelings I brought forth about not being okay with this are met with accusations of me being ageist, judgmental, and trying to be controlling over someone's body and choices.
So now I feel like I'm at an impasse.
First off, I have major concerns about who this guy is. A 68 year old who is a regular at a bar, who doesn't have a car in a town where you really need a car, who runs a business that I can find no trace of online (he gave business cards to Clara and my friend), who started sexting a 27 year old rather quickly... all of that is a certain kind of look. It's not a judgement. But you tell me. I'm not sure how concerned I should or shouldn't be about him. He's probably harmless. But 7 decades is a long time to rack up some skeletons.
The bigger issue I'm having personally is how this is destroying me emotionally. Since she told me this on the phone weeks ago, I have felt like my heart has been carved out with a spoon. At all waking hours, my chest feels imploded and I feel sick. And then guilty. I feel sick at the pure optics of it, of imagining the sex between them, of her kissing him, of the smells and textures. I'm having disturbing vivid dreams about it. And then I feel guilty, because on paper I don't believe an age discrepancy between two consenting adults matters. And I have no inclination to shame anyone based on age or anything else.
Furthermore, I feel unable to convey these emotions of disgust because of previous trauma. When Clara was a teenager she was sexually assaulted by a friend, and afterwards her boyfriend at the time told her that then she was tainted and gross to him, that he didn't want to touch her, made her feel like she was to blame... It pains me to hear that story and makes me feel viscerally angry and sad and upset. And yet now I am feeling the same way, and am afraid to express that, because I don't want to hurt Clara. I don't want to shame her.
But I can't dissolve this feeling of pure repulsion.
On top of that, there is the anger for the lack of communication, the breaking of boundaries, and the straight-up lying. But those are things I can forgive and work through, because, as a human, I have also been guilty of all of those misdeeds.
I have spoken to a few friends about this in some desperate attempt to gain solace, for someone to tell me I'm not out of line. I have received a mix of reactions, none of which have really helped. It has ranged from: "Oh, helllll no, what are you, fucking crazy? That's gross and not okay. Why are you even still involved with this person?" to "Well, you have no control over who someone likes or loves or has an attraction to, and if this is a consenting relationship, you have no grounds for condemning it."
Can someone recommend what kind of meditation or electro-shock treatment I need in order to accept this in a wholesome sex-positive manner? For me to say, "Wow Clara, I can't believe you made this unusual and special connection with someone so unexpectedly. That's so beautiful, and for you to give this person this hot experience in the latter years of their life is so cool. They must be reeling with joy, blah blah..."
Does my natural gut reaction of repulsion make me "ageist," and it is on me to progress and move past that hang-up?
Am I being paranoid to think that there isn't an element of manipulation on the part of John?
Is love actually... conditional?
The nearly 15-year age gap between us has certainly been criticized by some of our friends and family, but mostly it is accepted with compassion and people can see that we love each other deeply and make a good team. She is a mature 27 year old, I'm a bit immature for 41. Clearly neither of us have judgements about age discrepancies, and both of us have previously dated people that were older or younger.
I have been away from my partner [let's call her Clara] for over a month and a half now, and will likely be away for more than another month, maybe longer. She is a bartender at a popular spot that we both love and frequent, a job she had just started while I was away. I knew this would put her in a position for lots of sexual opportunities. She's attractive and young and friendly. People hit on her all the time. I expressed that I understood that, and obviously it's fine, as long as she stays communicative about it.
We have agreed that there are fair grounds for relaying an encounter after the fact. Obviously, some things happen spontaneously and that's fine. But if we see something coming or want to pursue something, it should be brought up first. She has had many more hookups than I have over the past two years, one that turned into more of a girlfriend to her at one point, and I have been okay with all of it, since it was communicated and there were conversations.
Now, within the first 2 weeks of her new job at the bar she started hooking up with someone who is a regular, along with a hookup at our house in our room with a guy she'd met a couple times, and one of our female housemates, also at our house, in our room. I had asked for a boundary of not sleeping with people in our bed. It's basically the only boundary I've asked for. She thought it was silly, but agreed to it, so that just went out the window. But the main issue I'm having is the regular from the bar. He's a 68 year old man.
During that week of hooking up with these people, she had gone to his house to sleep with him [let's call him John], and brought him to our house to hang out with our friends (we live in a large house with a total of 7 people) and slept with him in our bed. She didn't tell me about any of this until days after it had all happened. When she first told me about the old man, I thought she was joking. Then she conveyed that there's the possibility that feelings could be developing there. In those moments my mind went from shock, to incredulity, to disgust. I had to hang up the phone and collect myself. I know she is into older guys, but I didn't realize it extended into that range.
Clara said, "Well, he's not George Clooney," referring to his looks, and when I ask what's the attraction here, I get vague answers like, "He's really sweet, treats me well, etc." She said she had no initial attraction to him, but after exchanging numbers with him for whatever reason, he had soon started texting her sexually-oriented messages. Her interest was piqued. One night she decided to go for it, went over to his apartment alone, and had sex on and off for 4 hours. Apparently the sex is great.
Then, like I said, on some other occasion she brought John to the house and was in our room for hours. I only have an account of him from my one closest friend at the house, who hung out with them briefly. She said she found nothing attractive about him, he's just an old drunk at the bar that people recognize, that he said he moved here long ago for the weather and all the beautiful women... So she got the impression that this isn't the first hot younger girl he's bagged. According to Clara, everyone else at the house liked John and got along and one of the girls even offered her room to use, if I didn't want Clara using our room.
Then last week she "gave me an option," saying she wanted to spend the night with John and that there was going to be a big family dinner at the house, and she wanted to bring him and have him stay over, and that if I wasn't comfortable with that, then she would go out to dinner with him and stay at his place. I said I didn't want either of these things, that I'm not comfortable with any of this intimacy with John, but obviously I would choose that he not come over and stay, if those are the only options I'm given.
Any feelings I brought forth about not being okay with this are met with accusations of me being ageist, judgmental, and trying to be controlling over someone's body and choices.
So now I feel like I'm at an impasse.
First off, I have major concerns about who this guy is. A 68 year old who is a regular at a bar, who doesn't have a car in a town where you really need a car, who runs a business that I can find no trace of online (he gave business cards to Clara and my friend), who started sexting a 27 year old rather quickly... all of that is a certain kind of look. It's not a judgement. But you tell me. I'm not sure how concerned I should or shouldn't be about him. He's probably harmless. But 7 decades is a long time to rack up some skeletons.
The bigger issue I'm having personally is how this is destroying me emotionally. Since she told me this on the phone weeks ago, I have felt like my heart has been carved out with a spoon. At all waking hours, my chest feels imploded and I feel sick. And then guilty. I feel sick at the pure optics of it, of imagining the sex between them, of her kissing him, of the smells and textures. I'm having disturbing vivid dreams about it. And then I feel guilty, because on paper I don't believe an age discrepancy between two consenting adults matters. And I have no inclination to shame anyone based on age or anything else.
Furthermore, I feel unable to convey these emotions of disgust because of previous trauma. When Clara was a teenager she was sexually assaulted by a friend, and afterwards her boyfriend at the time told her that then she was tainted and gross to him, that he didn't want to touch her, made her feel like she was to blame... It pains me to hear that story and makes me feel viscerally angry and sad and upset. And yet now I am feeling the same way, and am afraid to express that, because I don't want to hurt Clara. I don't want to shame her.
But I can't dissolve this feeling of pure repulsion.
On top of that, there is the anger for the lack of communication, the breaking of boundaries, and the straight-up lying. But those are things I can forgive and work through, because, as a human, I have also been guilty of all of those misdeeds.
I have spoken to a few friends about this in some desperate attempt to gain solace, for someone to tell me I'm not out of line. I have received a mix of reactions, none of which have really helped. It has ranged from: "Oh, helllll no, what are you, fucking crazy? That's gross and not okay. Why are you even still involved with this person?" to "Well, you have no control over who someone likes or loves or has an attraction to, and if this is a consenting relationship, you have no grounds for condemning it."
Can someone recommend what kind of meditation or electro-shock treatment I need in order to accept this in a wholesome sex-positive manner? For me to say, "Wow Clara, I can't believe you made this unusual and special connection with someone so unexpectedly. That's so beautiful, and for you to give this person this hot experience in the latter years of their life is so cool. They must be reeling with joy, blah blah..."
Does my natural gut reaction of repulsion make me "ageist," and it is on me to progress and move past that hang-up?
Am I being paranoid to think that there isn't an element of manipulation on the part of John?
Is love actually... conditional?
