I badly need poly experienced people to talk to :(

C

crazyball24

New member
Evening,

I've been needing someone experienced with poly to help me understand where I am with my partner, River. I never get to see her. I haven't for many months. I have never had anyone else but her to talk with about poly to understand it all, in order to understand my relationship with her. I hate to say it, but I am passive with her. A part of me feels intimated by her. Not that that means she's toxic. I mean I'm just scared of screwing things up with her, if I unknowingly say something foolish, or what have you.

But if anyone here can, please help me, because I've been lost, having nobody, because she's my first and only poly partner.

Would I need to post about this in the relationship thread?
 
Hey, welcome. To give folks more context: are you in a polyamorous relationship with River? Like, you and she are both free to build romantic and/or sexual relationships with other people in addition to your own?

How long have you been in relationship with River? Why do you not get to see her? Are you in a long-distance relationship?
 
We got together and started dating 2 years ago. She has one primary bf that lives with her, and her teen daughter. She has a few other partners. I am allowed to date others, but have had no luck with that. We live an hour apart. She's busy working odd jobs, making ends meet, and has health problems, and huge family problems she's had to deal with.

To give you a timeline of how often I've seen her, it started when we first made love 2 years ago, hanging out for about 3 days. Then a month later we met, as I was invited to a family member's wedding with her. Then 9 months after that, it was one evening at her birthday party with others, but a sweet slow dance. Then after that...14 months later, which was last November, just chatting a little while she was busy entertaining lots of guests. And....that's the last time I saw her, 5 months ago.

She's barely ever on her Facebook, and when I've sent her a couple of nice messages on Messenger, she didn't respond. That was 6 weeks ago. When she introduced me to another at her birthday that time, she introduced me as "one of her boyfriends." I was delighted by that, because for 9 months I was very lost, not knowing for sure if I was that to her, or even if she was considered my "poly-girlfriend." And that last time I saw her in November, she said to another about me that she and I had been together for about 2 years.

Here are my honest feelings about that. I think it's illogical in saying I'm one of her boyfriends when we never see each other. Frankly, we really haven't had a serious heart-to-heart conversation in 2 years. So I just don't know what this is.

Is this how poly works? Am I just a sidepiece? It just feels so much easier and convenient for her, when she has her variety, and I don't have that. I don't have that luxury. There was a time I really needed her, when a close friend of mine died. She was comforting on FB messaging, but she was away on a job. She mentioned she might be in town where she could come see me and comfort me, but that didn't happen. It's like, "Don't say things like that, that you know for sure can't happen."

I've gone above and beyond getting her a special present for her birthday each year. But in my two birthdays in a row, she's never even wished me a "happy birthday" on FB. And I expect that that will happen again next month when it will be my birthday.

Yesterday morning I shared a post about a scary experience I had, where in the middle of the night, I had fainted out of the blue and was knocked out, for several minutes, because of a medication side affect. Friends were very alarmed for me, reaching out and calling me, making sure I was alive, which was very nice. But it would have been very nice to get River's empathy, to have her reach out to me by now about this.

Frankly I'm disappointed with her, and about the lack of birthday acknowledgements. One might argue and say, maybe she's that busy, etc. But I don't know what the deal is. If she would just talk to me as the person she claimed me to be to other guests, be much more communicative, maybe I wouldn't be feeling this way. I've loved her for years as one of my good friends, and it was a dream come true getting together with her But she has not been reliable for a very long time. I don't know if she's hurting from health problems again. I don't know what her current jobs are. I just feel completely... not needed. And the longer this has gone on, the more I've feared that this romantic spark would come to a big fade. Wether her romantic intimacy for me would fade, or my feelings for her would fade. I so want to see her and make love to her again, but it's been 2 years since that night. I don't know what to think.
 
Everyone uses labels differently, but I wouldn't use the boyfriend label on someone I see every one to two years and have little to no contact in between. I wouldn't even call that a romantic relationship. If you were genuinely friends, then I might call it FWBs, but you aren't friends. Friends talk to one another, console each other when injured or sick, and recognize birthdays, at a minimum. I'd say you are a convenient fuck when she feels like it. Nothing more. This isn't polyamory. (Although she may be poly, just not with you.)

Please go on with your life and find a quality partner. If you choose to be mono with that partner, next time River calls just say you aren't interested in seeing her. She doesn't respond to you... That's all you need to know. Move on.
 
Dude, she's just not that into you. Four dates in two years, and little to no texting, is not a relationship. Time to write this one off.
 
I agree with the others. This was just a fling. Enjoy the memories and move on to make more memories with someone else, or without someone else. It's sounds like you have people in your life who care about you. Don't be hung up on this virtual stranger you met all of four times in two years. Yes, it is possible to have great sex with someone and still be strangers afterward. Respect yourself and don't let this not-relationship have so much power over you.
 
ref2018 said:
I agree with the others. This was just a fling. Enjoy the memories and move on to make more memories with someone else, or without someone else. It's sounds like you have people in your life who care about you. Don't be hung up on this virtual stranger you met all of four times in two years. Yes, it is possible to have great sex with someone and still be strangers afterward. Respect yourself and don't let this not-relationship have so much power over you.
Click to expand...
We'd been really friends for several years, before getting together. I always felt indebted to her, because she saved me from a depraved sociopathic woman long ago. River saved me from suicide, and helped me block out (in every sense) that evil woman completely, and my life got way better after that. River was so emotionally protective of me, that she wanted take a potato knife to that woman's face for all the things she did to me. Not literally to that woman's face, lol, i mean in the sense of one on one tough girl talk.

I won't hold my breath for her any longer expecting anything.

It really feels good to finally talk about this with experienced people of Poly. When I said two whole years of having nobody to talk to, I really meant that. Cause poly is uncharted waters to all my friends and family around me, including my long time therapist.
 
crazyball24 said:
We'd been really friends for several years, before getting together. I always felt indebted to her, because she saved me from a depraved sociopathic woman long ago. River saved me from suicide, and helped me block out (in every sense) that evil woman completely, and my life got way better after that. River was so emotionally protective of me, that she wanted take a potato knife to that woman's face for all the things she did to me. Not literally to that woman's face, lol, i mean in the sense of one on one tough girl talk.

I won't hold my breath for her any longer expecting anything.

It really feels good to finally talk about this with experienced people of Poly. When I said two whole years of having nobody to talk to, I really meant that. Cause poly is uncharted waters to all my friends and family around me, including my long time therapist.
Click to expand...
Well, this isn't really a poly problem, per se. It's just a certain dating experience. You seem to be pretty inexperienced with dating in general? Besides River, you haven't dated anyone else in two years?

Polyamorous partners can see each other quite frequently. It depends on if the partners live near each other, or with each other, and the amount of other commitments everyone has. I see both my partners every week, for example.

You could read the book Opening Up to learn more about open relationships in general. :)
 
Magdlyn said:
Well, this isn't really a poly problem, per se. It's just a certain dating experience. You seem to be pretty inexperienced with dating in general? Besides River, you haven't dated anyone else in two years?

Polyamorous partners can see each other quite frequently. It depends on if the partners live near each other, or with each other, and the amount of other commitments everyone has. I see both my partners every week, for example.

You could read the book Opening Up to learn more about open relationships in general. :)
Click to expand...
There was a woman I was dating in fall of 2022 for a couple of months. But that fell out of place on her part. And it was ridiculous how it ended.

And no, I don't have a lot of experience in dating.
 
Greetings crazyball24,

Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You said you haven't seen River for five months. Have you been talking to her (phone call, texting, etc.) at all in the meantime? It seems like you are getting shortchanged in this relationship, like she is getting all she wants of you, but you aren't getting all you want of her. Explain this to her. Explain that she needs to make herself more available, that you need her more, and that she must not withhold herself from you. In a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, we make ourselves available to each other.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
kdt26417 said:
Greetings crazyball24,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You said you haven't seen River for five months. Have you been talking to her (phone call, texting, etc.) at all in the meantime? It seems like you are getting shortchanged in this relationship. Like she is getting all she wants of you, but you aren't getting all you want of her. Explain this to her. Explain that she needs to make herself more available, that you need her more and that she must not withhold herself from you. In a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, we make ourselves available to each other.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Click to expand...
It's only been messages on FB messenger with her since then, very minimal. She couldn't talk much in person with me and her family, because of a condition of polyps in her throat, so it hurt for her to speak. So I don't know if she's even better by now from her condition, I feel very cut out, and I've seen maybe 3 posts on her page the past few months.
 
How long ago did she have these polyps? I'm trying to determine whether that is what is holding her back now.
 
kdt26417 said:
How long ago did she have these polyps? I'm trying to determine whether that is what is holding her back now.
Click to expand...
She had them last November. Her communication is just unreliable, I know she has dealt so much family problems, and covid 3 or 4 times now. And thinking about the question is pissing me off right now, but NOT at you kdt26417
 
You mentioned that you've seen maybe three posts on her page over the past few months. It kind of sounds like she is pushing everyone away, you included. Has she got something going on personally, that would make her act like this? I wonder if she is suffering from depression, and/or anxiety, and/or other mental health issues.
 
kdt26417 said:
You mentioned that you've seen maybe three posts on her page over the past few months.
Click to expand...
I suppose it depends on how often she usually posts. Facebook is lucky to get one post a year from me! She may have other places she posts instead.
kdt26417 said:
It kind of sounds like she is pushing everyone away, you included.
Click to expand...
We just don’t know that. And one big problem is the OP doesn’t know either because he doesn’t know River due to her complete lack of communication.
kdt26417 said:
I wonder if she is suffering from depression, and/or anxiety, and/or other mental health issues.
Click to expand...
That may be so. And also the rounds of covid. However, it still doesn’t excuse a 2 year cycle of treating him so poorly. In 2 years River would have had ample opportunity to send even small texts, messages or other signs that she had any interest.

As much as OP feels he is in love, River is a fantasy not a lover, fed by the occasional crumb of attention. He’d be so much better off breaking what flimsy ties there are and moving on with his life. Once his own attention is free, he may well start to see all sorts of opportunities for joy.
 
So, you don't have her phone number to text her?
 
kdt26417 said:
Greetings crazyball24,

Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You said you haven't seen River for five months. Have you been talking to her (phone call, texting, etc.) at all in the meantime? It seems like you are getting shortchanged in this relationship, like she is getting all she wants of you, but you aren't getting all you want of her. Explain this to her. Explain that she needs to make herself more available, that you need her more, and that she must not withhold herself from you. In a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, we make ourselves available to each other.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin
Click to expand...
Kevin, I know you care and mean well, but this woman doesn't "NEED" to do anything. I think our OP thinks he's in a relationship with her since he had 4 dates in 2 years. Obviously, River does not share this belief, even though she quickly called him her bf once.

She's not into him. I wouldn't encourage him to start telling River what she "needs to do." Please.
 
kdt26417 said:
You mentioned that you've seen maybe three posts on her page over the past few months. It kind of sounds like she is pushing everyone away, you included. Has she got something going on personally, that would make her act like this? I wonder if she is suffering from depression, and/or anxiety, and/or other mental health issues.
Click to expand...
Wouldn't be the first time. When I said she had family problems, I also meant that a family child she knew that was murdered by their own mother, and dealing with the trial, and that evil mother being sentenced to prison for it, which was resolved several months ago. It's like "Jesus Christ, River, if you're in any pain, please let me help you. I wanna take care of you if you're hurting. I don't know if you're pushing me away on purpose in a way that makes it easy and convenient for you, or if you're doing this to everyone." No matter what, I feel left out, NOT needed. I've tried really hard to be as patient as I can be of respecting one's space and not being pushy or controlling. I've kept saying to myself, "Just keep focusing on yourself. When her time opens up, she'll come to you like before."

Please excuse me if I'm being emotional right now. My back is hurting currently. I don't know if this is 26 months of uncertainty finally purging, or this is my possible concussion from fainting and landing on my head the other night in my bathroom. (Yes, I'm going to talk with two of my doctors this Tuesday about that.)
Magdlyn said:
Kevin, I know you care and mean well, but this woman doesn't "NEED" to do anything. I think our OP thinks he's in a relationship with her since he had 4 dates in 2 years. Obviously, River does not share this belief, even though she quickly called him her bf once.

She's not into him. I wouldn't encourage him to start telling River what she "needs to do." Please.
Click to expand...
I do agree with you. kd26417, I will will not be pushy about anything. Last November when I saw her her at the Thanksgiving get together, she spoke of me to a couple others, saying that we've "been together for two years," which, again, continued to mislead and confuse me.
 
crazyball24 said:
No matter what, I feel left out, NOT needed.
Click to expand...
That is it right there. Your feelings are correct. Listen to them. SHE DOES NOT NEED YOU.

Nothing we can say to you will make her need you. Nothing you can say to us will make her need you. SHE IS JUST NOT INTO YOU. Let go. Move on.

when I saw her her at the Thanksgiving get together, she spoke of me to a couple others, saying that we've "been together for two years," which, again, continued to mislead and confuse me.
Click to expand...

Actions speak louder than words. She is just not into you. It sounds like she just likes talking about having lots of partners at parties but isn't actually interested in being in relationships with them.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top