I cant stop coming back to this idea...

GypsyDez5

New member
A few yrs ago I watched the savages movie and was intensely surprised, i had no idea about poly relationships ( blame it on growing up an okie girl)
Ever since I have fantasized about meeting two BFF guys and becoming their 3rd person, I moved to WA 3 yrs ago and I have seen poly relationships more open. I'm 34 next friday and have actually not been in many mono relationships, I'm not sure if they will ever work for me, I'm not in a relationship currently, however I am in a friend's with benefits situation, my partner is emotionally unavailable ( my adorable chihuahua is the only one that gets attention lol) and after a couple yrs I'm feeling neglected and depressed. I decided that I'm better off alone than in a situation like this anymore. Sometime last month a new guy showed up at work and turns out, hes great friends with one of the guys on my team, their Bromance has brought those feelings up again and I cant help but long to be apart of it. My family isn't close physically or mentally, ( plus I cant have children) so maybe it's just me needing or wanting my own family, I'm not sure.. either way, I figured, I'd get it off my chest here and maybe I wont feel so alone.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
You are far from alone, and I'm glad to hear that you are jazzed about the idea. It's good to remember that fantasy doesn't always equal reality, but if we don't try we can only fail.

It's been quite a while since I saw it, but as I recall I enjoyed the group relationship in Savages, in the short moments it was expressed. I agree that there is something really lovely about a group of tight nit friends who also periodically have sexual interaction.

What's not to love? I've been away from monogamy for such a long time that it's hard to imagine looking at people that way, but it still gives me warm fuzzies sometimes to revel in the reality of the potential of non-monogamous, non-possessive relationships.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings GypsyDez5,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you could use some emotional connection in your life, preferably with two guys who are best friends with each other. What are the chances you could have that with the two guys at work? Is that mostly just a fantasy, or could you try approaching them with the poly idea? In any case, I hope you find what you're looking for eventually. I hope Polyamory.com can be of some help, you can come here to vent and get some feedback and sympathy. If you have any questions, let us know!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

GypsyDez5

New member
You are far from alone, and I'm glad to hear that you are jazzed about the idea. It's good to remember that fantasy doesn't always equal reality, but if we don't try we can only fail.

It's been quite a while since I saw it, but as I recall I enjoyed the group relationship in Savages, in the short moments it was expressed. I agree that there is something really lovely about a group of tight nit friends who also periodically have sexual interaction.

What's not to love? I've been away from monogamy for such a long time that it's hard to imagine looking at people that way, but it still gives me warm fuzzies sometimes to revel in the reality of the potential of non-monogamous, non-possessive relationships.
How does anyone start this type of relationship? Dating monogamy is easy to find partners but how did you meet your first 3rd person?
 

GypsyDez5

New member
Greetings GypsyDez5,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you could use some emotional connection in your life, preferably with two guys who are best friends with each other. What are the chances you could have that with the two guys at work? Is that mostly just a fantasy, or could you try approaching them with the poly idea? In any case, I hope you find what you're looking for eventually. I hope Polyamory.com can be of some help, you can come here to vent and get some feedback and sympathy. If you have any questions, let us know!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Thank you for the welcome:)
I have considered talking to them about it but neither of them has mentioned poly or outright asked me out. I usually avoid relationships with coworkers for obvious reasons. One of them said he has a GF so I figured hes probably off limits bc of that and truthfully, I wasnt really into that guy until the other guy showed up. I can tell that guy 2 brings out guy 1 sunny side and that was when the poly thing popped up again ( only when I saw them together) and now i seem to be passionately gripped by this idea that this is right for me.
My only contention is that I'm not bisexual, I'd love to be close to a woman like that but I am unable to be turned on by a woman and being the third in a woman man couple seems like I probably wont get enough attention sexually.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
How does anyone start this type of relationship? Dating monogamy is easy to find partners but how did you meet your first 3rd person?

I don't think that the magic happens once the 3rd or 4th person gets into the mix. For me, the magic of how I approach relationships is in allowing each one to be exactly what it is, and to learn to be fearless in disregarding tradition to find a place of flourishing.

My recommendation to stop looking for a 3rd, and instead to put your energy instead to re-framing how you expect to interact with people, and what you expect from them. The beauty about the relationship in Savages (to me anyway) isn't that there were three of them, but that they allowed themselves to set aside their traditional expectations and allowed love to flourish where they found it. There can be real value to be found in letting relationships be what they are, instead of trying to mold them into what they "ought" to be.

In short, put your energy into being good at relationships, being honest about who you are, and less on the number of partners or configuration you've obtained.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
The best method for starting the MFM V type of relationship that you want, is to form two platonic friendships with two guys who are friends with each other. Then, while you are platonic friends with them, bring up the topic of polyamory in a casual conversation, and explain your MFM fantasy to them. Then, if/when the platonic friendships start to bloom into romantic relationships with you, you will have already had the poly conversation with them, and they can decide whether they want to be a part of that at that time.

Obviously it takes patience ...
 

GypsyDez5

New member
I don't think that the magic happens once the 3rd or 4th person gets into the mix. For me, the magic of how I approach relationships is in allowing each one to be exactly what it is, and to learn to be fearless in disregarding tradition to find a place of flourishing.

My recommendation to stop looking for a 3rd, and instead to put your energy instead to re-framing how you expect to interact with people, and what you expect from them. The beauty about the relationship in Savages (to me anyway) isn't that there were three of them, but that they allowed themselves to set aside their traditional expectations and allowed love to flourish where they found it. There can be real value to be found in letting relationships be what they are, instead of trying to mold them into what they "ought" to be.

In short, put your energy into being good at relationships, being honest about who you are, and less on the number of partners or configuration you've obtained.
Thanks, that's good advice to remember, I dunno that I'm ready to jump into a poly relationship but I am officially open to it. 🤞
 

SlowPoly

Member
… I have fantasized about meeting two BFF guys and becoming their 3rd person…

Yes, it’s a good fantasy! Keep it, and enjoy it!

As far as creating relationships in real life, my guess is you aren’t going to be able to “find” two best friends, looking for a partner to share, who happen to also both have sparks and long term commitment feels with you. But if that’s your ideal, you could move toward it in some ways and accept and enjoy what comes your way!

Do things you love, join a poly group, be in the world the way you want to be. You will likely meet guys you’re into, some of whom will be comfortable with polyamory (or maybe even specifically “kitchen table” polyamory, where metamours tend to be more familiar and familial with each other). Let your (and your metamours’) relationships develop organically. You probably won’t end up living your fantasy (though anything can happen). You might find yourself happy despite not living that specific script.

being the third in a woman man couple seems like I probably wont get enough attention sexually.
Keep in mind that being in any relationship, or any number of relationships, won’t guarantee you “enough.” Unless/until you negotiate polyfidelitous agreements, people you date will likely be dating other people. And some will have need for less frequent sexual interaction.

If the only poly geometry that would work for you is a polyfi V with you as the hinge, it’s fine to stipulate that. But be aware of the asymmetry, and understanding when it doesn’t work for others. Have some conversation with yourself about what it would mean to have partners who aren’t exclusive to you, and whether that could work for you. Learn about managing jealousy — it will be important even in your fantasy scenario. Not all jealousy is about sexual relationships.

Enjoy your journey! Treat people (including yourself) with respect and honesty, and you will learn a lot and have fulfilling experiences.
 

GypsyDez5

New member
Yes, it’s a good fantasy! Keep it, and enjoy it!

As far as creating relationships in real life, my guess is you aren’t going to be able to “find” two best friends, looking for a partner to share, who happen to also both have sparks and long term commitment feels with you. But if that’s your ideal, you could move toward it in some ways and accept and enjoy what comes your way!

Do things you love, join a poly group, be in the world the way you want to be. You will likely meet guys you’re into, some of whom will be comfortable with polyamory (or maybe even specifically “kitchen table” polyamory, where metamours tend to be more familiar and familial with each other). Let your (and your metamours’) relationships develop organically. You probably won’t end up living your fantasy (though anything can happen). You might find yourself happy despite not living that specific script.


Keep in mind that being in any relationship, or any number of relationships, won’t guarantee you “enough.” Unless/until you negotiate polyfidelitous agreements, people you date will likely be dating other people. And some will have need for less frequent sexual interaction.

If the only poly geometry that would work for you is a polyfi V with you as the hinge, it’s fine to stipulate that. But be aware of the asymmetry, and understanding when it doesn’t work for others. Have some conversation with yourself about what it would mean to have partners who aren’t exclusive to you, and whether that could work for you. Learn about managing jealousy — it will be important even in your fantasy scenario. Not all jealousy is about sexual relationships.

Enjoy your journey! Treat people (including yourself) with respect and honesty, and you will learn a lot and have fulfilling experiences.
Yeah, thank you, this is all great advice. This morning is literally the 1st time I have talked to anyone about this or even looked it up on Google. Iv been paranoid my FWB would see my internet history n think I was messing around behind his back. I mentioned it, hes definitely not ok with poly.
Iv been in unfortunate relationships in the past and been brought so low ... I dunno, i had to come back from something that's hard to explain. I think I've got a pretty good handle on my jealousy and iv been in places that left me with 0 pride. I like to think I'm a pretty well rounded as a person and try not to over react or jump to conclusions.
I dont know all the lingo yet, I dont necessarily need to be the center of a v. Iv thought about joining a MF couple but dont want to feel like I could be put out if I upset one of the original pair or something. The kitchen table term sounded interesting. A emotional bond or maybe just a connection is one of the top priorities things iv been missing In my relationships.
Iv been told and made fun of by ex boyfriends for having such a high sex drive. I have always kinda thought that maybe I had just been more open about what I wanted than their previous GF. Even now with a live in FWB we only have sex maximum 1 time a week. I'm not sure if I really do have a high sex drive or not but I'd like more than once a week and I feel like if I have to share with another woman, 1 man will never keep up with us.
 

SlowPoly

Member
I misunderstood about your current FWB situation, and didn’t realize (a) it’s ongoing, and (b) it’s sexually monogamous?

I think it would be really good for you to terminate the “benefits” and get out of that living situation ASAP so you can feel free to pursue fulfilling relationships (and, like, use the internet). Sure, read up on relationship styles and figure out what you’ll try when you have the bandwidth … but put a lot of energy right now into establishing a safe and nourishing home for yourself (and your doggie).
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
There is nothing wrong with having a high sex drive -- insofar as one can even define what "high" is. There is a huge range of how frequently various people would like to have sex, some once a year, some multiple times a day, and everything in between, and there is nothing wrong with any of that. There is of course the idea of a sex addiction, but what I've heard is that something can only be called an addiction if it is ruining your life. It has nothing to do with how frequently you want it. I don't think your sex drive is ruining your life, so I don't think it can be called an addiction.

If you were to start dating an M/F couple, you might find that how "high" their sex drive was, was completely unique, as unique as they were as individuals. Who knows, the male might want tons of sex, while the female might want hardly any. This is just one of the possible combinations you might encounter. Don't worry too much about whether you're getting as much sex as you want until you are in an actual situation and can judge by experience.
 

GypsyDez5

New member
There is nothing wrong with having a high sex drive -- insofar as one can even define what "high" is. There is a huge range of how frequently various people would like to have sex, some once a year, some multiple times a day, and everything in between, and there is nothing wrong with any of that. There is of course the idea of a sex addiction, but what I've heard is that something can only be called an addiction if it is ruining your life. It has nothing to do with how frequently you want it. I don't think your sex drive is ruining your life, so I don't think it can be called an addiction.

If you were to start dating an M/F couple, you might find that how "high" their sex drive was, was completely unique, as unique as they were as individuals. Who knows, the male might want tons of sex, while the female might want hardly any. This is just one of the possible combinations you might encounter. Don't worry too much about whether you're getting as much sex as you want until you are in an actual situation and can

I misunderstood about your current FWB situation, and didn’t realize (a) it’s ongoing, and (b) it’s sexually monogamous?

I think it would be really good for you to terminate the “benefits” and get out of that living situation ASAP so you can feel free to pursue fulfilling relationships (and, like, use the internet). Sure, read up on relationship styles and figure out what you’ll try when you have the bandwidth … but put a lot of energy right now into establishing a safe and nourishing home for yourself (and your doggie).
Yeah, unfortunately my landlord decided to sell his house and gave all us renters 30 days notice last mo. It was easier just to store all my stuff and stay here. I'm looking into purchasing instead of renting so this dosen't happen again. My FWB has been a great friend to me for almost 3 yrs now, I dont want ppl to think hes a bad person or anything, hes not. I just didnt realize me talking about being with other men would bring out some jealousy. Hes always saying I can do better and he will buy me a kitten for a wedding present... blah blah.
So plan is. Save up. Buy land. Mb start youtube blog about building my own home, build said house all while Explore/ learn about the world of poly from poly ppl :)
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I think wanting sex more than once a week is perfectly normal. I am surprised you've had ex bfs ridicule you for wanting sex more than once a week. I've been with a lot of men of all ages, and most of them wanted sex at least 2-3 times a week, and might masturbate once a day as well. I've been with some men who desired sex several times in 24 hours, especially if we only saw each other once or twice a week. :)

Looking to "join a couple" is not really the crux of polyamory. There can be issues with dating a couple, whether it's 2 bi men, say, who are in love with each other, or at least having sex with each other, or with 2 straight guys who are just best friends, or with a MF couple. The issue is that, as said above, romantic/sexual relationships can only happen one-on-one. If you love and desire 2 male friends, one of them might love/desire you, and one of them might only lust for you for a short time and then break up with you. Suddenly you're in a romantic relationship with one guy, while the other guy might only be your platonic friend, or even be turned off by you and not want to see you at all. That will very likely cause some kind of rift between him and his dear old friend.

This case holds true for any kind of couple, of any gender. Being a "unicorn" for a couple rarely works, because feelings are rarely (never, basically) identical across the board.

If you want to love polyamorously, and you want frequent sex, find a guy with a normal to high libido whom you find attractive, and who finds you attractive. Tell him up front (while chatting online, or at least on the first real date) that you like him a lot, but you're not monogamous. Hope he's OK with that. Enjoy this relationship, the feelings and the sex! While dating him, continue to date others. (Of course, this isn't actually easy.... dating is hard. People lie, ghost, catfish, etc. But that's what it takes to find a good partner. It's work.) Eventually you may find another guy with whom things work out. Good. You're in a V. Now, see if these guys are interested in meeting each other. If you're lucky, they will both be willing to meet. If you're luckier, they may like each other and want to hang out (Kitchen Table Poly). Then your dream may finally be a reality.

I wish you true love!
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
Though the trick is also finding a guy that has a high libido while _not in NRE_ - otherwise you’ll be disappointed later.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
What's NRE?
It's the polyamory term for infatuation, new relationship energy, those exciting early weeks and months of a relationship, where sex is usually very frequent, where you feel basically obsessed with seeing the new person as often as possible, touching them, finding out everything you can about them.

As icesong said, I do look ahead to figure out if their sex drive is always good, or if it seems to fade quickly as familiarity increases. I do question them about past relationships to see if I can detect a pattern. Sometimes I can. If, as time goes on, and their desire wanes, then I take that into consideration. Of course, I am not going to dump someone I really like or love just because their sex drive becomes weak or non-existent. If I feel unsatisfied sexually, but satisfied emotionally, I might keep looking for another partner who can help to satisfy me.

I know monogamous people who are deep-down miserable because their partner has lost all desire and they have not. Even after trying different things, working with a therapist, if your partner stays shut down, I see no reason to live out the rest of your life feeling lonely and doomed to solo sex. I know that is what society expects from us, on the surface. That is why porn is so popular. That is also why the divorce rate is so high. That is why god gave us fancy vibrators. But with polyamory, a definite benefit is having the freedom to find another person who suits you and meets more of your needs than any one person (or expensive toy) can do, be it sexually or in other areas, while not having to dump a person you loved in the first place.

Some people will judge me for that, and disagree, and that's fine. We're all different. We all have a right though, to try to get our needs met. If I like adventurous food, but my partner is fine with just chicken nuggets and hot dogs, I have a right to seek friends who want to go get Brazilian food or Ethiopian food. Name any activity or interest or hobby here. In polyamory, the same goes for matching your libido with someone else. This is a revolutionary idea in our culture, but here we are!
 
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GypsyDez5

New member
It's the polyamory term for infatuation, new relationship energy, those exciting early weeks and months of a relationship, where sex is usually very frequent, where you feel basically obsessed with seeing the new person as often as possible, touching them, finding out everything you can about them.

As Evie said, I do look ahead to figure out if their sex drive is always good, or if it seems to fade quickly as familiarity increases. I do question them about past relationships to see if I can detect a pattern. Sometimes I can. If, as time goes on, and their desire wanes, then I take that into consideration. Of course, I am not going to dump someone I really like or love just because their sex drive becomes weak or non-existent. If I feel unsatisfied sexually, but satisfied emotionally, I might keep looking for another partner who can help to satisfy me.

I know monogamous people who are deep-down miserable because their partner has lost all desire and they have not. Even after trying different things, working with a therapist, if your partner stays shut down, I see no reason to live out the rest of your life feeling lonely and doomed to solo sex. I know that is what society expects from us, on the surface. That is why porn is so popular. That is also why the divorce rate is so high. That is why god gave us fancy vibrators. But with polyamory, a definite benefit is having the freedom to find another person who suits you and meets more of your needs than any one person (or expensive toy) can do, be it sexually or in other areas, while not having to dump a person you loved in the first place.

Some people will judge me for that, and disagree, and that's fine. We're all different. We all have a right though, to try to get our needs met. If I like adventurous food, but my partner is fine with just chicken nuggets and hot dogs, I have a right to seek friends who want to go get Brazilian food or Ethiopian food. Name any activity or interest or hobby here. In polyamory, the same goes for matching your libido with someone else. This is a revolutionary idea in our culture, but here we are!
Oh, nice. I like the way you explained that. I think iv actually sporadically been doing the polyamorous thing. Iv had multiple boyfriends but I never told them about one another, I just figured, college n full time job I could not commit to anyone.
I'm feeling nervous but excited. I'm going to continue to lurk here and( learn/ get the courage)a bit more while I decide weather or not to approach 2 men iv been thinking about. I figure if anything I will say something the day before I leave for another job so I dont feel regret. I work in a warehouse so there's tons of dudes and damn it they gossip worse than ladys at the office. Not embarrassed that I like polyamory but there's quite a few men there that I'd rather not peak their interests.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Haha ... men are a bunch of gossips, who knew? :)
 
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