I changed my mind about Poly.

[Elie]

My husband (Brad) 35, and I (34) have been Married for 10 years. When we got married Brad was a very energetic and confident man, he was also very healthy and fit. The first 5yrs of our marriage it feels like we had sex multiple times per day. And after our first kid things just king of dwindled. We both started gaining weight and Brad lost his sex drive. I was extremely frustrated because I am a very sexual person and was only ever “mostly” satisfied with our sex life, meaning Brad’s ability to sexually fulfill me could have been better.

Brad reluctantly agreed to open up the relationship and I had a lot more success dating than he did. Brad really struggled with all of the dates that I went on so I settled down with one of them (Mike). Mike can drive me crazy in the bedroom, I have never in my life experienced more sexual pleasure from someone. It seems like for every good quality someone has, there is a bad one. Mike is a total refer addict and broke, he is always asking me for money. The only problem is I don’t have a job because Brad has always made a lot of money and provided for our family. Brad gets angry every time Mike needs a little extra help and it have caused a significant rift in our relationship.

Fast forward a few months and Brad has had a lot more success in dating. He started eating healthier, getting fit and listening to some sort of dating coach online (some misogynist douchebag). He had a bunch of professional photos taken of him and started dressing nice, you get the idea. He turned himself around. He reminds me of the Brad I married now. Lately he has been dating these girls that look 10 year younger than me. He recently got a girlfriend, some young bubbly idiotically optimistic type. They go and do all of these “fun” activates that Brad has always wanted to do. Admittedly I have always been a bit of an introvert. I looked at all the pictures of them out having fun and I am feeling like I am missing out. Mike and I never get to go out because he’s broke and whenever I ask for money from Brad for two he makes a big deal about it. When I asked Brad about sending Mike and I on vacation earlier this year it blew up into a big fight and he basically told me to get a job. If I did that I wouldn’t be able to make nearly as much money as Brad and I wouldn’t have any free time for our kid and my boyfriend.

Getting to the point… I was looking through Brad’s phone and found a naked photo of his girlfriend. I can’t get the image out of my head. And her body and youth makes me very self-conscious, especially because even at her age my body never looked like that. It blew up into a big fight and I told Brad about all the ways Mike was better than him and it didn’t even seem like Brad cared. Brad is convinced that Mike is a loser even though Mike is better than Brad at sex. But what really bothered me is Brad doesn’t even care that Mike pleases me more. I demanded that Brad tell me about his sex life with his bimbo and what he told me devastated me. He told me he and her are intimately connected during sex that she has multiple orgasms, which I don’t even believe. That's not the Brad I know… I feel like I have lost my husband. Brad used to care so much that my needs were taken care of but now it’s like I’m just a fly on the wall watching him create this great life with someone else. I told him I want it all to go back the way it used to be, when Brad didn’t date and I had Mike, and he said that is impossible. Now I don’t want Poly at all. I just want my marriage back. What do I do?

 

[FallenAngelina]

...I don’t have a job because Brad has always made a lot of money ...Mike and I never get to go out because he’s broke and whenever I ask for money from Brad for two he makes a big deal about it.....When I asked Brad about sending Mike and I on vacation earlier this year it blew up into a big fight and he basically told me to get a job.

Just clarifying:
Do you expect your husband to fund your vacation and dates with your boyfriend?
Do you see no reason for Mike funding this?
Do you see no reason for you funding this?

How old is your child that is seemingly preventing you from working?

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

My husband (Brad) 35, and I (34) have been Married for 10 years. When we got married Brad was a very energetic and confident man, he was also very healthy and fit. The first 5yrs of our marriage it feels like we had sex multiple times per day. And after our first kid things just king of dwindled. We both started gaining weight and Brad lost his sex drive. I was extremely frustrated because I am a very sexual person and was only ever “mostly” satisfied with our sex life, meaning Brad’s ability to sexually fulfill me could have been better.

Brad reluctantly agreed to open up the relationship and I had a lot more success dating than he did. Brad really struggled with all of the dates that I went on so I settled down with one of them (Mike). Mike can drive me crazy in the bedroom, I have never in my life experienced more sexual pleasure from someone. It seems like for every good quality someone has, there is a bad one. Mike is a total refer addict and broke, he is always asking me for money. The only problem is I don’t have a job because Brad has always made a lot of money and provided for our family. Brad gets angry every time Mike needs a little extra help and it have caused a significant rift in our relationship.

Fast forward a few months and Brad has had a lot more success in dating. He started eating healthier, getting fit and listening to some sort of dating coach online (some misogynist douchebag). He had a bunch of professional photos taken of him and started dressing nice, you get the idea. He turned himself around. He reminds me of the Brad I married now. Lately he has been dating these girls that look 10 year younger than me. He recently got a girlfriend, some young bubbly idiotically optimistic type. They go and do all of these “fun” activates that Brad has always wanted to do. Admittedly I have always been a bit of an introvert. I looked at all the pictures of them out having fun and I am feeling like I am missing out. Mike and I never get to go out because he’s broke and whenever I ask for money from Brad for two he makes a big deal about it. When I asked Brad about sending Mike and I on vacation earlier this year it blew up into a big fight and he basically told me to get a job. If I did that I wouldn’t be able to make nearly as much money as Brad and I wouldn’t have any free time for our kid and my boyfriend.

Getting to the point… I was looking through Brad’s phone and found a naked photo of his girlfriend. I can’t get the image out of my head. And her body and youth makes me very self-conscious, especially because even at her age my body never looked like that. It blew up into a big fight and I told Brad about all the ways Mike was better than him and it didn’t even seem like Brad cared. Brad is convinced that Mike is a loser even though Mike is better than Brad at sex. But what really bothered me is Brad doesn’t even care that Mike pleases me more. I demanded that Brad tell me about his sex life with his bimbo and what he told me devastated me. He told me he and her are intimately connected during sex that she has multiple orgasms, which I don’t even believe. That's not the Brad I know… I feel like I have lost my husband. Brad used to care so much that my needs were taken care of but now it’s like I’m just a fly on the wall watching him create this great life with someone else. I told him I want it all to go back the way it used to be, when Brad didn’t date and I had Mike, and he said that is impossible. Now I don’t want Poly at all. I just want my marriage back. What do I do?

So basically, Brad is the kind of guy that can make progressive changes to better his life and that of people around him. He opened his relationship to meet his partner's needs. He got himself in better shape. He found ways to improve his self esteem. He has a good job and treats people well. And what do you know? He bagged himself a really good match who he shares common interests and a growing sexual connection.

You are unemployed, negative towards others and show no intention to evolve and you bagged yourself a stoner with similar ambition to your own.

This feels like a reverse though.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. I mean all this kindly, ok?

You sound like it was easier for you to adjust to YOU dating new people on your side. Now that you REALLY have to adjust to Brad dating on his side, it's harder.

Brad has gotten into shape and found a steady GF.

You want him to stop doing all that he does to take better care of himself?

Because you prefer it like it was? Where he was out of shape and he had nobody but you and you had your lover Mike?

Who your find good in bed, but is an addict, broke, and often asking you for money. (What makes Mike so great to date? I get it's good sex but that's it? That's all you want from a dating partner? I wonder why you aren't telling Mike to get a job so there's more money for you+Mike dates or getting one yourself. Rather than asking Brad to foot those extra bills?)

The only problem is I don’t have a job because Brad has always made a lot of money and provided for our family.

What stops you from getting a job now that YOU have new expenses called "dating others?"

Cuz Mike is not family or part of this household. And YOUR new dating expenses are not Brad's expenses.

Brad gets angry every time Mike needs a little extra help and it have caused a significant rift in our relationship.

Not really Brad's job to provide for Mike. You know that, right?

How does Mike help HIMSELF? To get his addiction under control and to solve his own broke? Or is he basically a mooch?

And that's why Brad gets mad when you ask him to give Mike money?

They go and do all of these “fun” activates that Brad has always wanted to do. Admittedly I have always been a bit of an introvert.

Sounds like when Brad wanted to do them with you, you didn't want to. He's found a more compatible dating partner for those activities. Just as you have found a more compatible sex partner.

Where is problem?

I looked at all the pictures of them out having fun and I am feeling like I am missing out. Mike and I never get to go out because he’s broke and whenever I ask for money from Brad for two he makes a big deal about it.

I get that you envy Brad and his GF go on fun dates. But how's that Brad's fault or problem?

It doesn't sound like you feel left out and envious like YOU want to be the one going on fun dates with Brad. You sound like you want to go do fun dates with Mike. And you are upset because neither you nor Mike have the money to go do it with.

When I asked Brad about sending Mike and I on vacation earlier this year it blew up into a big fight and he basically told me to get a job.

You think it's Brad's job to fund you dates and your vacations with Mike? Why aren't you and Mike prepared to pay for your own things?

If I did that I wouldn’t be able to make nearly as much money as Brad.

Well, the budget for dates would be smaller, but you'd have your OWN budget. May take longer to save up for the dream vacation with Mike. Yet could still save and go.

I wouldn’t have any free time for our kid and my boyfriend.

That's stuff people deal with all the time. Working at their jobs, and then figuring out their time management for spending time with family, friends, dating partners, etc.

I notice you don't mention having free time for Brad. How into Brad are you really? Or are you more attached to the money and lifestyle he can give you?

I was looking through Brad’s phone and found a naked photo of his girlfriend.

Peeking in people's phones is not good behavior. I think you probably know that.

It blew up into a big fight and I told Brad about all the ways Mike was better than him and it didn’t even seem like Brad cared.

So you peek in someone else's phone, don't like what you find, and go pick a fight with Brad? Or he discovered you peeking and got mad at the violation of privacy?

Then during the argument you try to make Brad upset by telling him Mike is better in bed than Brad? What's the goal of this conversation? It mostly sounds like you acting out at Brad.

If you wanted to hear Brad say that he still cares about you and isn't leaving you behind, why not just ask him? Rather than acting out?

Brad is convinced that Mike is a loser even though Mike is better than Brad at sex.

Well... what do YOU think of Mike? Apart from the sex, how do you feel about him being an addict and always asking you for money? Do you think he's a loser?

But what really bothered me is Brad doesn’t even care that Mike pleases me more.

What were you hoping his reaction would be? All jealous or something? To "prove" that Brad still loves you and cares about you?

I demanded that Brad tell me about his sex life with his bimbo and what he told me devastated me. He told me he and her are intimately connected during sex that she has multiple orgasms, which I don’t even believe.

If I were Brad, I would have told you that he practices safer sex, but he's not going to share TMI details because it's not your business how he and his other lover share sex together.

It sounds like Brad was hurt from your TMI digs at him so he got some TMI digs back. And you didn't like it. Why are you guys using sex as a weapon during fights with each other? Esp info about sex with others -- these other people might not like their TMI private details being blabbed about.

Sounds like you were ok learning that sex with Mike was better than sex with Brad. You did NOT like learning Brad finds sex with his GF better than sharing sex with you. Maybe your ego got a little bruised.

Again, what was the purpose of this whole conversation with your husband where you compare other lovers? Is the goal to improve the marriage? Get money out of him? Pick a fight? Seek reassurance? Something else?

That's not the Brad I know… I feel like I have lost my husband. Brad used to care so much that my needs were taken care of but now it’s like I’m just a fly on the wall watching him create this great life with someone else.

Well, right now how YOU participate in marriage is doing what? What needs of Brad's do you contribute to? Cuz right now you list behaviors like...

• Peeking in his phone
• Picking fights with Brad
• Telling him TMI details about Mike trying to make Brad jealous
• And unrealistic expectations for Brad to foot the bill for you and Mike dates.

This is how you and Brad create a life together? How does this behavior make you an awesome spouse? How is this you looking out for Brad like you want him to look out for you?

And shouldn't those dates be paid by you & Mike anyway?

I told him I want it all to go back the way it used to be, when Brad didn’t date and I had Mike, and he said that is impossible.

That might have been a good deal for YOU, but maybe it wasn't such a hot deal for Brad.

He's happier where it is open on BOTH sides.

Now I don’t want Poly at all. I just want my marriage back. What do I do?

Those are two different things.

If you want a better marriage?

• Could start to make marriage repairs. Participate better in your marriage.

• Could stop acting out at Brad and picking fights. Apologize for peeking in his phone.

• Learn to actually ASK for reassurance and what you need. Rather than "trying to make him jealous" so you feel valued and important to him.

• Could start treating Brad better. Like he's a person with thoughts, desires, and feelings of his own. And not just like some human wallet to fund your things.

• Could actually spend time together with Brad, dating each other again and getting to know one another again.

If you want more spending money?

• Could get a job.
  
• Could talk to Brad about your shared household finances so they go in a way that is reasonable.

Over here we pool our money like this -- house, his, and hers. So shared things come out of "house" acct. And personal things like hobbies, friends, dates, etc? That comes out of "his" and "hers." Doesn't mess with the house bills or kid things that way. We each have a budget that is just for us. And we agree the other one can't fuss about how each one spends their personal money.

If you want less poly in your life?

• Could dump Mike since you no longer want poly on your side.

• Could ask Brad if he would consider "no new people." You cannot expect Brad to just up and dump his GF. That's not nice. But you could ask if he'd consider not dating any more NEW people.

Galagirl

 

[Elie]

I can see how you are all making me seem unreasonable. Brad has always taken care of me financially and has not ever been greedy in any way with his money. He has funded my classes, hobbies, and vacations (including friends) before we were poly.

It feels like now that Mike has come along Brad has pulled back and doesn't want to pay for things that Mike is apart of. He is sabotaging my relationship by squeezing resources when he never used to act that way. Brad makes a lot of money and he can definitely afford it, its not like I am asking for any more than I have in the past...

I feel like Brad wants to "win", he wants his relationship to be better than mine so he is sabotaging my relationship the only way he knows how. Mike is a good person, he has had a lot of struggles in his life, it's not his fault that he doesn't have any money and needs an escape... Its not my place to hold that against him. I just want Brad to treat me the same way he treated me in the past.

 

[GalaGirl]

I just want Brad to treat me the same way he treated me in the past.

Well, maybe how you and Brad deal with finances could change. They don't HAVE to stay the same. You don't have to share personal money details here. But something to think on...

It feels like now that Mike has come along Brad has pulled back and doesn't want to pay for things that Mike is apart of.

He might view funding your personal enrichment and hobbies and something he does for his wife. But he's not obligated to pay for Mike. He wasn't obligated to pay for your friends on vacation with you either.

Does he view it like that?

He is sabotaging my relationship by squeezing resources when he never used to act that way. Brad makes a lot of money and he can definitely afford it, its not like I am asking for any more than I have in the past...

You might be -- to Brad.

I make no judgement about Mike. But you shared that BRAD thinks Mike is a loser. So you are asking Brad to give money to someone he thinks is a loser. Something he does not feel good about doing.

Now that is going to stink for you if you are SAHM with no independent income of your own. And with Mike always broke. You may have to change date expectations with Mike to something you both can afford.

Brad has always taken care of me financially and has not ever been greedy in any way with his money. He has funded my classes, hobbies, and vacations (including friends) before we were poly.

Yes, but HOW? What does "taking care of you financially" look like?

You go "I need money for yoga class, hon." And he gives you cash from his wallet or a writes you check you can cash? That kinds of sets him up as a dispenser. Or like a "daddy" or something.

I think it is better for couples to disentagle their finances before poly.

You are contributing to the household as the SAHM. He is contributing to the household as the income. Fine. Both contribute in some way.

Not that this is really is like this. I'm just making up numbers. They are not real.

But let's say every month Brad would give you $100 bucks for your things. Deposit to your bank. Yoga, dance, friend lunches, whatever. And its YOUR job to figure out and deal with your budget in your personal acct. Make it last the month.

And he got $100 a month for his things in his personal account. Deposit to his bank. For bowling, and CDs, and friend lunches and whatever. And its his job to figure out how to deal with it in his personal acct. Make it last the month.

And then the remaining $800 bucks went to the "house" acct where you both paid the joint things like power bill, car insurance, kid stuff, etc.

Then you can do what you want from your personal account. Blow it all on Mike. Or blow it all on books or make up. Whatever. Brad cannot fuss at you over it. Because over in Brad's personal acct, he can do what he wants. Blow it all on bowling or his GF. Whatever. And you don't fuss at him over it.

Would that seem more fair money handling to to you so it's not like Brad is "squeezing resources?"

Is that the problem underneath all the other problems? You want the freedom to spend your personal money how you want without having to ask Brad like a kid asking a parent for some? Or him "approving" what you choose to spend your money on?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Elie,

I think poly is like a genie. Once you let it out of the bottle, there is no way to put it back in again. You and Brad have let the genie out of the bottle, so now you both have to learn how to live with it, you can't just turn back the clock.

From what you have posted so far, I am going to venture that while Brad has his job to pay for the family's financial needs, you contribute to the family by staying home, doing the housework, and taking care of the kids. Thus you do not have time to spare for getting a job of your own. If this is the case, I wonder if it wouldn't be fair for Brad to give you an "allowance," sort of like giving you a paycheck for the work (at home) that you do (so that he doesn't have to). This would be an allowance that you could spend as you see fit, and you wouldn't have to report to Brad on what you were spending it on. Just like Brad doesn't have to tell his boss what he spends his money on.

One other thing I got out of your first post, is that you are hurt and upset that Brad doesn't seem to care (like he used to) about your sexual needs. Like the fact that he finds out that Mike satisfies you more, doesn't bother him. Like he doesn't care how satisfied you are. That's a problem. Although I want to note, that satisfying one's sexual partner/s is more of a skill, than it is a virtue. The fact that Mike is satisfying you more than Brad, doesn't necessarily mean that Mike cares about you more. It just means that Mike has better sexual skills ... or even, that Mike is a more compatible match for you, sexually.

But perhaps you are wondering, "Does Brad still love me, like he used to love me?" This bimbo that he's consorting with, is he pouring all his love onto her, and is that his way of rejecting you? Is that the part of your past that you want to bring back to the present? You just want him to love you again, like he used to?

I'm sorry that genie can't be put back in the bottle.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I had a metamour who really didn't like to travel. Well he didn't like to fly specifically and our hinge partner wanted to go places you had to take a plane. What he would do sometimes as a special gift is pay for her and a plus one to go away to that place. Going alone wouldn't be as safe/fun so it fed her travel bug without making him go along. He could even plan little surprises when she was there.

Anyway, it wasn't something I felt comfortable with. I can't explain why. I know for a fact that if we were just friends, I I wouldn't have minded at all. I've often made use of a dinner or spa invite from a friend which I knew was a gift or on the tab of their partner. It just feels very different when it is a metamour.

I can imagine why it might feel as uncomfortable to pay for holidays for a partner and a metamour. I have contributed towards my partner's fare for a holiday with friends and partners both as a gift and budgeting the household to allow for them to go away. Is that the same? It didn't feel the same.

 

[dingedheart]

My husband (Brad) 35, and I (34) have been Married for 10 years. When we got married Brad was a very energetic and confident man, he was also very healthy and fit. The first 5yrs of our marriage it feels like we had sex multiple times per day. And after our first kid things just king of dwindled. We both started gaining weight and Brad lost his sex drive. I was extremely frustrated because I am a very sexual person and was only ever “mostly” satisfied with our sex life, meaning Brad’s ability to sexually fulfill me could have been better.

Brad reluctantly agreed to open up the relationship and I had a lot more success dating than he did. Brad really struggled with all of the dates that I went on so I settled down with one of them (Mike). Mike can drive me crazy in the bedroom, I have never in my life experienced more sexual pleasure from someone. It seems like for every good quality someone has, there is a bad one. Mike is a total refer addict and broke, he is always asking me for money. The only problem is I don’t have a job because Brad has always made a lot of money and provided for our family. Brad gets angry every time Mike needs a little extra help and it have caused a significant rift in our relationship.

How long did you date prior to getting married?

And How long have you been open Vs how long you’ve been seeing just mike ?

Fast forward a few months and Brad has had a lot more success in dating. He started eating healthier, getting fit and listening to some sort of dating coach online (some misogynist douchebag). He had a bunch of professional photos taken of him and started dressing nice, you get the idea. He turned himself around. He reminds me of the Brad I married now. Lately he has been dating these girls that look 10 year younger than me. He recently got a girlfriend, some young bubbly idiotically optimistic type. They go and do all of these “fun” activates that Brad has always wanted to do. Admittedly I have always been a bit of an introvert. I looked at all the pictures of them out having fun and I am feeling like I am missing out. Mike and I never get to go out because he’s broke and whenever I ask for money from Brad for two he makes a big deal about it. When I asked Brad about sending Mike and I on vacation earlier this year it blew up into a big fight and he basically told me to get a job. If I did that I wouldn’t be able to make nearly as much money as Brad and I wouldn’t have any free time for our kid and my boyfriend.

It reminds you of the Brad you married but you’re not saying you’d like to enjoy those fun things with brad but rather would really really like to get Brad to donate to the mike dating fun so poor old sad sack mike could take you the introvert out for a good time. How secure do you think your position here is ?? I’m not trying to put bad thoughts in your head but you and sex drive might have created this problem.

The story about the vacation sounds familiar did you come here and post under a different / slightly different username ?

Getting to the point… I was looking through Brad’s phone and found a naked photo of his girlfriend. I can’t get the image out of my head. And her body and youth makes me very self-conscious, especially because even at her age my body never looked like that. It blew up into a big fight and I told Brad about all the ways Mike was better than him and it didn’t even seem like Brad cared. Brad is convinced that Mike is a loser even though Mike is better than Brad at sex. But what really bothered me is Brad doesn’t even care that Mike pleases me more.

Was this the first time you attacked Brads ego / sexual ego....or is this some sort of running sweet spot ? I clearly don’t know Brad or mike but those insults or facts thrown around in heated and angry moments are going to ring in his head for a very very long time. Sad reality but your dating what he thinks is a loser poorly on how he sees you but also on himself or rather how he thinks other people see him. I’m going to take a wild stab and say the reason Brad doesn’t care on how you rate him vs Mike is 1) he knew you were upset and seeing him with a younger hotter GF. And 2) he can always improve his sexual skills while Mike is always going to be the bum bangin his wife while looking to get high.

I demanded that Brad tell me about his sex life with his bimbo and what he told me devastated me. He told me he and her are intimately connected during sex that she has multiple orgasms, which I don’t even believe. That's not the Brad I know… I feel like I have lost my husband.

I think it would be a huge mistake to dismiss that out of hand as some sort of tit for tat insult thing. His confidence is coming for somewhere.

Brad used to care so much that my needs were taken care of but now it’s like I’m just a fly on the wall watching him create this great life with someone else. I told him I want it all to go back the way it used to be, when Brad didn’t date and I had Mike, and he said that is impossible. Now I don’t want Poly at all. I just want my marriage back. What do I do?

do you realize how incredibly selfish / narcissistic it sounds that you want it to go back to him being the overweight, bad in bed, sugar daddy willing to pay for your sexual release from some stoner with a boner.

Yeah it sounds like you had a good thing going there until Brad started feeling used or abused taken for granted whatever.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

Elie, your husband is under NO obligation to bankroll your other relationship. If my husband earned seven figures, I would STILL work. Quit being a spoiled brat.

 

[MeeraReed]

Actually I'm going to disagree with the other posters on whether Brad should be giving you money for your dates with Mike. If two spouses have an arrangement that only one spouse works, and the other's lifestyle is supported by the working spouse...including the non-working spouse's hobbies and vacations with friends...then there is no reason why that financial support shouldn't include money for dates and vacations with a boyfriend, if the couple is poly.

Like, only one spouse works, but the money belongs equally to both of them and both can spend what they want of their discretionary income. IF they happily decide to do poly, there's no reason why the same extra income can't be spent on each person's other partners. It shouldn't be relevant who earns the money, since it is their joint income.

BUT if the working spouse doesn't really want to be poly and resents the non-working spouse having another partner--well then suddenly there is a problem.

It sounds like Brad was generous and happy to support you financially in whatever you needed. Then you started seeing Mike, and Brad became stingy and controlling with "his" money.

I mean, if Brad did not want to do poly at all, it makes senses that he resented you dating someone. But, he could have said no, he's not staying in a poly relationship, or he could have divorced you. Instead he chose to go along with it while acting out immaturely by denying you the discretionary income you'd previously had in the marriage.

The fact that he's gotten into misogynistic dating gurus on the internet? That would bother me. That's a red flag.

But, you are also demonstrating a very immature attitude about sex. Mike isn't "better in bed" than Brad because he's "better able to please you." Mike is MORE SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE with you than Brad is.

It sounds like now Brad has found a girlfriend who is more sexually compatible with HIM than you are. That should make you happy for him, shouldn't it?

I can understand feeling jealous of the girlfriend's ability to have multiple orgasms (if your husband isn't lying about that, as you suspect). But, a mature view of sexuality is to recognize that everyone is different when it comes to sex. I don't have multiple orgasms, and it sounds frankly unpleasant to me! My male partner has dated women who do. Younger me might have felt puzzled or jealous of their mysterious orgasmic superpowers...but I am comfortable with myself and happy with the way I have sex. Everyone is different!

A big red flag is that you and your husband brag about your other lovers' abilities in order to get back at each other.

Also, you are very focused on the shallowest aspects of your husband's new relationship. Her age, her appearance. Maybe Brad is a misogynistic douchebag who deliberately seeks out younger women. But maybe he genuinely clicked with someone emotionally?

Probably it's the emotional aspect of their relationship that upsets you most. You keep wanting to believe she's just a bimbo--but she is a real person with feelings. Why is Brad not allowed to have feelings for his girlfriend? Don't you have feelings for your boyfriend, Mike?

Why do you feel like you are entitled to have a husband and a boyfriend, but your husband isn't entitled to have a partner of his own? Do you feel like your husband's job is to please you sexually, or, failing that, to finance you having a boyfriend who CAN please you sexually, while he himself doesn't date anyone else at all? Why would he be happy in that kind of marriage?

I don't think it's particularly relevant that Mike is broke and a "loser," according to Brad. The issue is that Brad controls you financially. If Mike were wealthy, I wonder if Brad would insist on paying for your dates in order to prove that he has the money and is in control? Maybe that's why he paid for you and your friends to go on vacation--to show off that he could.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Actually I'm going to disagree with the other posters on whether Brad should be giving you money for your dates with Mike. If two spouses have an arrangement that only one spouse works, and the other's lifestyle is supported by the working spouse...including the non-working spouse's hobbies and vacations with friends...then there is no reason why that financial support shouldn't include money for dates and vacations with a boyfriend, if the couple is poly.

Like, only one spouse works, but the money belongs equally to both of them and both can spend what they want of their discretionary income. IF they happily decide to do poly, there's no reason why the same extra income can't be spent on each person's other partners. It shouldn't be relevant who earns the money, since it is their joint income.

BUT if the working spouse doesn't really want to be poly and resents the non-working spouse having another partner--well then suddenly there is a problem.

It sounds like Brad was generous and happy to support you financially in whatever you needed. Then you started seeing Mike, and Brad became stingy and controlling with "his" money.

I mean, if Brad did not want to do poly at all, it makes senses that he resented you dating someone. But, he could have said no, he's not staying in a poly relationship, or he could have divorced you. Instead he chose to go along with it while acting out immaturely by denying you the discretionary income you'd previously had in the marriage.

The fact that he's gotten into misogynistic dating gurus on the internet? That would bother me. That's a red flag.

But, you are also demonstrating a very immature attitude about sex. Mike isn't "better in bed" than Brad because he's "better able to please you." Mike is MORE SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE with you than Brad is.

It sounds like now Brad has found a girlfriend who is more sexually compatible with HIM than you are. That should make you happy for him, shouldn't it?

I can understand feeling jealous of the girlfriend's ability to have multiple orgasms (if your husband isn't lying about that, as you suspect). But, a mature view of sexuality is to recognize that everyone is different when it comes to sex. I don't have multiple orgasms, and it sounds frankly unpleasant to me! My male partner has dated women who do. Younger me might have felt puzzled or jealous of their mysterious orgasmic superpowers...but I am comfortable with myself and happy with the way I have sex. Everyone is different!

A big red flag is that you and your husband brag about your other lovers' abilities in order to get back at each other.

Also, you are very focused on the shallowest aspects of your husband's new relationship. Her age, her appearance. Maybe Brad is a misogynistic douchebag who deliberately seeks out younger women. But maybe he genuinely clicked with someone emotionally?

Probably it's the emotional aspect of their relationship that upsets you most. You keep wanting to believe she's just a bimbo--but she is a real person with feelings. Why is Brad not allowed to have feelings for his girlfriend? Don't you have feelings for your boyfriend, Mike?

Why do you feel like you are entitled to have a husband and a boyfriend, but your husband isn't entitled to have a partner of his own? Do you feel like your husband's job is to please you sexually, or, failing that, to finance you having a boyfriend who CAN please you sexually, while he himself doesn't date anyone else at all? Why would he be happy in that kind of marriage?

I don't think it's particularly relevant that Mike is broke and a "loser," according to Brad. The issue is that Brad controls you financially. If Mike were wealthy, I wonder if Brad would insist on paying for your dates in order to prove that he has the money and is in control? Maybe that's why he paid for you and your friends to go on vacation--to show off that he could.

Giving your spouse money to fund their part of a date or vacation is different than entirely paying for your spouse and their other partner to date or vacation. Do you think Brad should pay for Mike?

 

[MeeraReed]

Giving your spouse money to fund their part of a date or vacation is different than entirely paying for your spouse and their other partner to date or vacation. Do you think Brad should pay for Mike?

Brad set a precedent where he pays for spouse AND her friends to go on vacation. Why would it be different to pay for Mike?

Anyway, Brad shouldn't be "giving" money to his spouse--if they chose to set up their household as a one-income household, the non-working spouse should have access to a reasonable portion of that income as her own money. With that money, she can budget it to pay for whatever dates she can afford. Whether she is treating her boyfriend totally or paying only in part shouldn't be relevant to Brad. Brad wouldn't be "paying for Mike." OP would be using her share of their joint income as she sees fit.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Mike is a total refer addict and broke, he is always asking me for money. The only problem is I don’t have a job

Mike is a good person, he has had a lot of struggles in his life, it's not his fault that he doesn't have any money and needs an escape... Its not my place to hold that against him.

You're right that it's not helpful to judge Mike, but holding someone responsible for their choices is the healthy approach to relationships. It's not your husband's responsibility to prop up Mike financially and it's not yours, either. Attempting to do so is called having poor boundaries, which results in messy situations such as this full of blame and resentment. Handing out money will never fix this issue.

 

[dingedheart]

Actually I'm going to disagree with the other posters on whether Brad should be giving you money for your dates with Mike. If two spouses have an arrangement that only one spouse works, and the other's lifestyle is supported by the working spouse...including the non-working spouse's hobbies and vacations with friends...then there is no reason why that financial support shouldn't include money for dates and vacations with a boyfriend, if the couple is poly.

I’m not sure you read op close enough because she said mikes a stoner and always broke and asking her for money and a little help. Money for DATES wasn’t listed. To me and most people reading that mike was asking for money for gas, rent, food ...because he spent what little money he had on weed.
And shouldnt someone have asked what did Brad and Ellie agree to when they decided to open there relationship. What if Brad agreed but stipulated he wasn’t going to pay for any of the guys end of some sort of vacation.

Like, only one spouse works, but the money belongs equally to both of them and both can spend what they want of their discretionary income. IF they happily decide to do poly, there's no reason why the same extra income can't be spent on each person's other partners. It shouldn't be relevant who earns the money, since it is their joint income.

Happily might be a key element here.

BUT if the working spouse doesn't really want to be poly and resents the non-working spouse having another partner--well then suddenly there is a problem.

Maybe not resenting having another partner as much AS maybe the manner in which it’s carried out. POLY HELL is a real thing. and push back or non support could easily come in the form of who to donate money to.

It sounds like Brad was generous and happy to support you financially in whatever you needed. Then you started seeing Mike, and Brad became stingy and controlling with "his" money.

Or he doesn’t want get up every morning early ...show up at work ...put in his full day with whatever bullshit he had to deal with to collect a paycheck to support some guy to roll out of bed at noon to fire up a bowl and playing video games or watching porn. At some point it might feel like paying for your wife to get fucked. He comes over fucks his wife and leaves with money ...Not a bad deal for him. Might make Brad a little less generous.

I mean, if Brad did not want to do poly at all, it makes senses that he resented you dating someone. But, he could have said no, he's not staying in a poly relationship, or he could have divorced you. Instead he chose to go along with it while acting out immaturely by denying you the discretionary income you'd previously had in the marriage.

This is really unfair. Everyone enters into these dynamics with their own expectations and long list of reasons and NO one is prepared for all situations.
I also don’t think you or any of us have anywhere near enough information to judge Brads conduct from just her side of the story. I’d personally bet you considerable money hearing his side would make things look different.

The fact that he's gotten into misogynistic dating gurus on the internet? That would bother me. That's a red flag.

A red flag on what ? He lost weight...he changed his manner of dress, he’s attracted a younger and hotter GF. To me that comment sounds like a women lashing back after seeing the slide or hold on her husband slip.

But, you are also demonstrating a very immature attitude about sex. Mike isn't "better in bed" than Brad because he's "better able to please you." Mike is MORE SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE with you than Brad is.

I don’t think the “ attitude “ is immature ...its possible it could be factually correct. I disagree with the poly PC idea of sex is just “different” not better not worse as a general assumption. Can that be case in specific situations I’m sure but as a general rule NO. IMO sex with a partner is like dancing. Some people are just mind blowing great at dancing and others have 2 left feet. Cold hard fact. However it’s a skill that can be learned or improved.
She said those things to hurt and humiliate not to improve their sexual compatibility or improve their marriage.

I don't think it's particularly relevant that Mike is broke and a "loser," according to Brad. The issue is that Brad controls you financially. If Mike were wealthy, I wonder if Brad would insist on paying for your dates in order to prove that he has the money and is in control? Maybe that's why he paid for you and your friends to go on vacation--to show off that he could.

Wow all wild speculation on a guy that has not told his side of the story. Unbelievable.

BUT how will fixing this pesky financial control issue give her a happy and healthy poly marriage ??? Oh wait it won’t


It interesting / funny that Elie is feeling her marriage slip away because of the the very thing she pushed for and everyone here is fixated on the money or the financial structure. After getting the brief snippet of the situation I see the issues of respect and love or a lack there of as the big topics to start discussing.


I also like to push back on the idea that paying for friends or relatives for a vacation or outing is generally considered on a case by case basis taking into account the people involved. ITS A generous act. WARNING TO ALL poly sugar daddy’s that doing such will be considered by some as a PRECEDENT !

Disclaimers and waivers need to be involved in all acts of kindness....OR JUST don’t do it.

 

[Mzill]

For what its worth... I agree with this. People really focus on the money. There's way deeper issues here. Entitlement. Communication issues. A lack of understanding of needs and desires. Im seeing some potential confidence issues. You guys need to talk more

I’m not sure you read op close enough because she said mikes a stoner and always broke and asking her for money and a little help. Money for DATES wasn’t listed. To me and most people reading that mike was asking for money for gas, rent, food ...because he spent what little money he had on weed.
And shouldnt someone have asked what did Brad and Ellie agree to when they decided to open there relationship. What if Brad agreed but stipulated he wasn’t going to pay for any of the guys end of some sort of vacation.

Happily might be a key element here.


Maybe not resenting having another partner as much AS maybe the manner in which it’s carried out. POLY HELL is a real thing.



Or he doesn’t want get up every morning early ...show up at work ...put in his full day with whatever bullshit he had to deal with to collect a paycheck to support some guy to roll out of bed at noon to fire up a bowl and playing video games or watching porn. At some point it might feel like paying for your wife to get fucked. He comes over fucks his wife and leaves with money ...Not a bad deal for him. Might make Brad a little less generous.



This is really unfair. Everyone enters into these dynamics with their own expectations and long list of reasons and NO one is prepared for all situations.
I also don’t think you or any of us have anywhere near enough information to judge Brads conduct from just her side of the story. I’d personally bet you considerable money hearing his side would make things look different.



A red flag on what ? He lost weight...he changed his manner of dress, he’s attracted a younger and hotter GF. To me that comment sounds like a women lashing back after seeing the slide or hold on her husband slip.




I don’t think the “ attitude “ is immature ...its possible it could be factually correct. I disagree with the poly PC idea of sex is just “different” not better not worse as a general assumption. Can that be case in specific situations I’m sure but as a general rule NO. IMO sex with a partner is like dancing. Some people are just mind blowing great at dancing and others have 2 left feet. Cold hard fact. However it’s a skill that can be learned or improved.
She said those things to hurt and humiliate not to improve their sexual compatibility or improve their marriage.




Wow all wild speculation on a guy that has not told his side of the story. Unbelievable.

BUT how will fixing this pesky financial control issue give her a happy and healthy poly marriage ??? Oh wait it won’t


It interesting / funny that Elie is feeling her marriage slip away because of the the very thing she pushed for and everyone here is fixated on the money or the financial structure. After getting the brief snippet of the situation I see the issues of respect and love or a lack there of as the big topics to start discussing.


I also like to push back on the idea that paying for friends or relatives for a vacation or outing is generally considered on a case by case basis taking into account the people involved. ITS A generous act. WARNING TO ALL poly sugar daddy’s that doing such will be considered by some as a PRECEDENT !

Disclaimers and waivers need to be involved in all acts of kindness....OR JUST don’t do it.

 

[MeeraReed]

LOL, you are right, dingedheart, just reaead the first post. I missed that Mike is asking her for financial help beyond the dates and vacation. I guess he's not embarrassed to ask his rich girlfriend and her husband for money! LOL.

I still think the problem is that OP doesn't have control of her own spending money. She could then choose to give it to Mike or whatever she wants.

 

[Elie]

I have read through all of the replies (even though most of them weren’t very nice, I appreciate the responses). I am more concerned about my husband being seduced and falling for some young bimbo than I am about the money. But if you want to talk about money, Brad has decided that he doesn’t want his money paying for Mike in any way. In the fight I referenced in my first post (the one where Brad basically told me to get a job) I brought up the point that I do all of the household work, to which he Brad said he’d pay for a nanny so I could work. This is not what I want and completely unfair because I haven’t been working on a career for 15 years like Brad has, and my prospects are shit. The nanny Brad would hire will probably be making more money than me.

I used to feel like we were equals, now I feel like Brad has all the power in the relationship. He has all the money, I don’t have a damn thing to my name and my husband doesn’t give a shit about me anymore! I am clearly really upset about all of this and I just want to hit the rewind button. I don’t even know how to start unraveling this. I used to be able to flirt and be sweet and seduce my husband, but his attention so wrapped up in bimbo he does not respond to me like he used to. I’m afraid that my marriage is in trouble. If I can get him to stop seeing bimbo, I can get his attention again and we can reconnect, but he seems completely shut off to the idea of giving her up.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I understand that you're 15 years behind and that's really unfair. But how is waiting until it is 20 years going to be any better?

I think you need to negotiate some form of regular income from your husband which you can spend as you wish.

You also need to work on a career so you gain some financial independence. Yes, you're going to have to start low unless you can really sell your life experience and other assets.

Mike needs to live within his own means. If you want to spend all your money on dating Mike, then that's up to you.

I will warn you that all the Mikes' I've known have eventually expected their partners to fund their dating with other people.

 

[Dagferi]

Elie the young woman dating your husband is not a bimbo aand calling her such is petty and immature. Grow the hell up.

You are just jealous that you hooked up with a loser. It is not Brad's job to finance Mike's life. Butch does not pay for my dates with Murf. Murf doesn't pay for my dates with Butch. I picked men who bring something other than a cock to a relationship. Actually I work a full time job 50 hours a week and bring in money for both households. I pay my own bills. I have children I take care of. Everyone cleans and does household chores around here.

Mike could man up and finance his own life.