I could use a mentor-- engaged, opening up a mono relationship

C

corrigant

New member
Let me sum up the scenario. I'm a 36-year old male (Tracy), engaged to a 30-year old female (Claire). We have been in a mono relationship for the year and half, since we met.

About 4 weeks ago, an old flame of hers visited town and she realized she was still in love with him. She asked to go poly and be with him as opportunities arise. (We live in Texas and he lives in California).) I agreed to give it a try. She has made plans to visit him in late November. We are both committed to being each other's primary, getting married and having a family.

Now the fun begins... Part of me loves the idea and can not dream of restricting her from experiencing such a wonderful love. I have little desire to be in another relationship, but I do love the idea of being free to experience new things.

The flip side is the part of me that is freaking the fuck out about all of this. I've had lots of ups and downs, and am consistently struggling with my underlying fears and insecurities. I have seen some of these fears face-to-face, and others are too afraid to come out. I'm trying to be loving and accepting of those parts of me. I believe that is the only way to address them. The hardest part is that the fears and insecurities in question, when left unchecked, tell some really bad stories that generate a lot of negative emotions that are negatively impacting my relationship with Claire.

I have tried to talk to Claire about it, but she appears to have some serious guilt issues and internalizes my feelings, blames herself and becomes uncommunicative after a few minutes. We are practicing with non-violent communications and imago dialog, but these are taking some time to practice, with our tight schedules. We are also working with a counselor that is open to polyamory.

I have realized that these are my own issues and that Claire can do nothing but satiate my dysfunctions. This has made it easier to not talk about my shit until we can work out an effective communication process.

In the meantime, I still have these negative feelings, that are just out of reach, for me to come to terms with, and I'm feeling pretty unloved in our relationship. I feel lost and alone on a regular basis. I want to be with Claire; I want her to have this other love; I want the growth potential I can see for myself by overcoming my insecurities. I just don't know how to get there. I could really use some exercises, practical techniques and guidance to coming to terms with this.
 
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Hi and welcome.

Although I don't quite understand all of what you are saying, re: the negative stories, it sounds as if you seem to be going through a jealousy crisis. This is my own term for what seems to hit most of us on a polyamorous path, at some point, usually sooner rather than later.

For me, the pain was so bad that I didn't even recognize it as jealousy, just pure agony. It came in waves and each wave was significantly less painful than the first.

You'll find lots of support here. In fact, I kinda look on this whole forum as being my mentor. But if you want someone one-on-one, feel free to message me.

Initially, anyway, it sounds to me as if this could be quite a healthy thing for your relationship. Polyamory forces you to learn how to communicate with your partner, and from your post, it seems like this is where you need to start.
 
Thanks for your input, Sage. We definitely need to learn to communicate more openly and effectively, and we are on that path. My concern is that my negative thoughts about polyamory will sabotage our relationship before we learn to communicate and work through it.

I guess I'm looking for advice on how to cope with my jealousy from someone who has been through it. At the moment, my jealousy is building momentum and I don't like where it is going.
 
What are your fears? When I first became involved with my partner, I was scared I would lose him to someone else. That fear still arises every now and then. You need to express your fears to your girlfriend and discuss them. I know the conversations will be hard, but it truly does help.
 
Yep, I agree with fitchick. Get all those fears down on paper and look at them. Only then can you start to deal with them. Your fears are valid. Being afraid to get them out into the open just causes them to fester and make the whole thing worse.
 
www.xeromag.com

Awesome site, lots of great advice, with a side of humor.

When jealousy starts to rear its ugly head (and it IS ugly for me when it happens), my need to lash out must be handled with kid gloves. I find I need MORE alone time in order to figure out what started the jealousy again. I reread xeromag. I journal. I do things to take my mind off the problem for a while, since I find that sometimes NOT thinking about the problem helps me to 1. relax, and 2. formulate a coping strategy until it can be overcome.

Somewhere in all of that, I talk with my partner (Breathes), and explain the problem, to the best of my befuddled brain's ability. He is able to see things from a different perspective without belittling my feelings. Between the two of us, we manage to uncover the problem and bring it out into the light of day so it can be dealt with and banished.

This is by no means an easy or painless process. It takes time and lots of introspection. It is hard to face one's fears, but it is so worth the end result.
 
I agree with what everyone has said, but I also think having her travel to see him is a lot of added stress. It's not something I personally would consider as a "first" date. It seems to cause your brain to go wild with jealousy and "What if?" scenarios.

Secondly, where does he stand? Is he interested in sharing her? This could help with your jealousy.

Understanding his motives for entering into a poly relationship with her might also help with your jealousy.

She will go through some suffering. Check out my blog. I was brutalized by emotional upheaval at the idea of being poly. I know it existed out there, but didn't know if I could love more than one. That had a real effect on me.
 
You've received lots of good advice. Now you just have to work on it. But you are going to need the support of your partner. Try and get her to have a look on this forum, and better still, participate herself. She needs to understand that if she wants to pursue a polyamorous relationship, and retain what she has with you, she is going to have to work hard at communicating with you and not withdraw into her own guilt.

I don't quite understand what you mean by "satiate my dysfunction."

On re-reading your initial post, I think you are taking far too much of this upon yourself. Maybe stop looking upon yourself as dysfunctional and start seeing yourself as a brave, loving person who has the emotional intelligence to try and give your loved one what she wants in life. Most of the population can't get anywhere near this. The gift you are giving her is big stuff-- never forget that.

Best of luck. :)
 
I'm wondering if you have met this guy, her old bf. Often a lot of fear diminishes when people meet each other. It usually turns out that they aren't the crazed lunatic we are thinking of in our heads. Even if you met online and talked, that could help. Chances are you have some stuff in common, at least your fears, apprehensions and jealousy!

This site has tons of great advice and stories of others that are similar to yours. I suggest doing a search to see if you can find some support. This site has been a great mentor for me, too. :)
 
I've been struggling with insecurity for months now. I've improved a little, but I'm still not out of the woods.

I not only met my gf's other bf, Baron, and her husband, Aaron, but I moved into Baron's house and began to rent a room. At first, I wasn't intimidated by him. But when I got to know him, I started to think that he was quite an impressive guy. So, getting to know him didn't help me.

I second the suggestion to read a bit on xeromag.com.

I would also recommend reading the book Radical Honesty. I'm reading it now, and it is helping me, particularly his recommended list of questions that couples should ask each other to build and keep intimacy regarding sex and relationships. He even mentions that it doesn't matter if your relationship is monoamorous or polyamorous, answering his questions will still alleviate your stress and build intimacy.

I need help with insecurity too, so I don't want to try and give any more advice at the moment.
 
I've had lots of ups and downs and am consistently struggling with my underlying fears and insecurities. I have seen some of these fears face to face and others are too afraid to come out. I'm trying to be loving and accepting of these parts of me and I believe that is the only way to address them. The hardest part is that these fears and insecurities in question, when left unchecked, tell some really bad stories that generate a lot of difficult emotions that are negatively impacting my relationship with Claire.
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Hi, Tracy. First of all, welcome to the forum. This is a fantastic group of people, many of whom have provided some incredible guidance to my dh and me.

I have a couple of first thoughts, based both on my own experience and the experiences others have shared on this forum. One is that you need to make some allowances for yourself, to grieve what your relationship was previously (much of which it likely still is), and to take a breath. Jeesh, this should not be an overnight process.

(Feel free to read about our journey in my blog, and you'll see why I say that I learned from my own mistakes.)

When you are the one exploring a new relationship, it's really easy to miss the big picture. When you are just starting a dating relationship (a monoamorous one, let's say), this is expected. But when you are exploring polyamory, the relationship that must come first and foremost is the primary one, imo.

Claire needs to be respectful of where you are in the process. How you feel is just as important as how she feels. Of course she's enthusiastic and eager, but that's no less valid than your feelings of fear and insecurity. There is tons that you can do to work on that yourself, and much of that needs to be intra-personal, I think, but she is your partner and needs to support you.
I have tried to talk to Claire about it, but she appears to have some serious guilt issues and internalizes my feelings, blames herself and becomes uncommunicative after a few minutes.
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See? Those are her issues. Her feelings are understandable, as well, but again, need to be dealt with, in large part, intra-personally. You would do well to reassure her that her feelings of guilt only become obstacles in your relationship. Take the good (that it indicates how much she cares for you) and put the rest in the trash, where it belongs. I honestly think that has been a tremendous help to my partner (David Webb) and me. It's not that I don't feel terrible sometimes, but I express it and don't let it consume me. Imo, he needs to know that I feel it, but then we need to let it go.

We are also working with a counselor that is open to polyamory. I have realized that these are my own issues and that Claire can do nothing but satiate my dysfunctions. This has made it easier to not talk about my shit until we can work out an effective communications process.
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Yay for the poly-friendly counselor. We just found one ourselves! :)

While yes, these are your issues, you are working hard to overcome them, and as your partner, she needs to support you in any way she can. She's truly fortunate to have a partner willing to overcome all of the messages we've been force-fed about monoamory for our entire lives. It would have been easy (at least at the outset) for you to say "Forget it!" but you didn't. And being that a relationship is a give and take, now you need her to meet you where you are at.

Obviously, you understand that you too will benefit from dealing with your insecurities, but that doesn't negate that the process will at times be difficult, nor does the difficulty negate the reward.

I personally think that you need to talk about your "shit," even if in an imperfect way, rather than wait and hold it in. Holding onto pain does damage, plain and simple.

In the meantime, I still have these negative feelings to come to terms with. I'm feeling pretty unloved, lost and alone. I want to be with Claire. I want her to have this other love, and I want the growth potential I can see for myself by overcoming my insecurities.
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I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling unloved. If Claire doesn't know that, she needs to. It can certainly be said in a non-blaming way, and owned appropriately. But as your partner, she absolutely must know. DW withheld a lot of his feelings from me in the beginning, for very noble reasons. But as I told him, they found ways to be expressed, even if he hadn't put them into words.

The most practical tips I can share are to journal, talk, and be open about where you are. Your feelings are your feelings.

Here's one post that captures a lot of our journey: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3110&page=3

Best of luck to you and Claire!
 
We definitely need to learn to communicate more openly and effectively and we are on that path. My concern is that my negative thoughts about poly will sabotage our relationship before we learn to communicate and work through it.
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I'm sorry that I can't completely relate to where you are coming from, but I'm a very empathic person, so to an extent, I can.

Your negative feelings about poly need to be honored, just as her desire to explore her other relationship needs to be. I can only speak for myself, but things improved significantly when DW started saying how he was really feeling, because then we could address it. For example, he thought that my loving another represented some inadequacy on his part, and that simply wasn't the case. Since he's been more open, we've tackled a lot of monsters that needed to be tamed. I think it's important for you to make it clear to her how much you want to be okay with this, but that it will take you time. That's very reasonable. (Maybe others have said the same; I haven't had a chance to read through the whole thread.)

Jealousy is an emotion you are feeling and it's telling you something. A friend of mine had a nice reframe of this when he said that jealousy indicates how much you value the other person. The trick is to look at what it is trying to tell you. What I "hear" you saying is that you are afraid of losing what you have. Who wouldn't be, when a significant change like this occurs?
 
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