I don't know what to do, my partner wants to date my ex

F

Forensick

New member
So I am after some advice with this.
I have been dating my partner for 6months.
We had a couple of threesomes with another partner of mine.
The other partner dumped me because she wanted to be exclusive with someone else.
It turns out they have a "one dick policy" not exclusivity.
Now the 2 of them want to date.
I am not doing okay with this.
Am I wrong to want to say no?
 
Hello Forensick,

Your consent is yours to give, and it can only be given freely, or not at all. Thus you have every right to say, "No," and your partner has to abide by that. Unless she decides to break up with you, but I am hoping it doesn't come to that.

Those are my initial thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Forensick said:
So I am after some advice with this. I have been dating my partner for 6 months. We had a couple of threesomes with another partner of mine.
The other partner dumped me, because she wanted to be exclusive with someone else. It turns out they have a "one dick policy," not exclusivity.
Now the 2 of them want to date. I am not doing okay with this. Am I wrong to want to say no?
Click to expand...
Would you choose nicknames for your partner(s), and ex-partner(s) and indicate their genders? I am confused about who has a one penis policy with whom.

That said, many polyamorists do have lists of "messy people" they would prefer their partner(s) to not date. An ex might be on someone's messy list, along with your mom, sister, best friend, psychos, etc.
 
Forensick said:
Am I wrong to want to say no?
Click to expand...
You can never be wrong for wanting what you want. What do you want?
Many of us are so used to molding ourselves around what other people want that we don't even realize how often we do it. We put the other's wishes above our own so as not to rock the boat or lose them. One tip off that this is happening is anxiety. That often signals that you're not being true to what you want, not listening to yourself and instead are pressuring yourself to conform to the priorities of someone else.

What do you want?
 
I'm also confused with no names. I'll go with whatever you pick but for sake of this post...

  • There is you, Forensick.
  • Then you have this partner, Thermometer.
  • And they want to date your ex, X-Ray.

Your continuing consent belongs to YOU. So does your "staying-ness."

Just because you agreed to date Thermometer before? Share group sex with Thermometer and X-ray before? You don't have to keep going with more stuff with them "automatically."

I think these consent cartoons illustrate some cases very clearly.

everydayfeminism.com

What If We Treated All Consent Like Society Treats Sexual Consent? - Everyday Feminism

Life would be awful if people actually did these things – so why do people do it when it comes to rape?
everydayfeminism.com everydayfeminism.com

It is your responsibility to look out for your own well being. You have to be able to say "Nope. I like/love you a whole lot, but not even for you will I do stuff I don't like/hurts me."

It's your responsibility to give clear communication. Thermometer is not a mind reader.

If Thermometer wants to date X-ray now? And things have changed and now you want to be done with X-ray?

You can say "Thank you for telling me. If you want to date my ex X-ray, I won't stop you. I do have to bow out of this poly network though. I have a personal boundary of not dealing in my exes any more, even as my metas."

Thermometer is free to choose whatever they want to do or not. Including being free TO pursue X-ray.

Just as you are free to choose what you want. Including being free FROM poly networks that have X-ray in them.

If you both have not articulated who the "messy people" for each of you is? And you plan to continue together? Maybe make time to have that conversation. There's enough people in the world to date without going right for the messy ones. (Ex: siblings, parents, bosses, roomies, exes, etc)

Galagirl
 
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