I don’t know what to do!

DanniMadd

New member
Hi everyone, I’m new here as this is the only place I thought I could actually talk about all this without being judged.
I just need some advice or someone to talk to as I find myself in a situation.
so last year me( bi female) and my partner (James, straight male) of 10 years decided we wanted to spice up our sex lives by having a three way with another guy and this guy (who we will call Jamie) has become a close friend who we see and spend a lot of time with, not just sexually anymore. I talk to him daily, James knows everything we do, James doesn’t always join in when it comes to sex, he just likes to know what’s going on. But my problem is, is I’ve found myself falling for Jamie. I don’t know how to tell James I’m poly, as I’ve joked about it before and he shuts it down quickly. I just don’t think I can hide myself anymore, I just feel so sad living this lie. I know I adore and love James, he’s my everything and I can’t lose him. But the feelings I have for Jamie are so intense aswell.
I hope this kind of makes sense. I’m trying to make sense of it myself. I just don’t want anyone’s feelings to get hurt.
Thankyou if you read all of this x
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I just don’t think I can hide myself anymore, I just feel so sad living this lie.

What are you hiding? What lie are you living?

Cuz everyone here seems to know what this is. You are all lovers, and you are hanging out Jamie, talking to him daily, basically in NRE, etc.

Just that nobody has "officially' called it that.

I don’t know how to tell James I’m poly, as I’ve joked about it before and he shuts it down quickly.

I don't know why James shuts the conversation down if you joke about being poly. Maybe he doesn't like the joking because he takes it seriously. Maybe he's scared you are going to dump him for someone else, or he doesn't want the poly label attached to him. Only he knows why he does that.

You could maybe just ask him that. "Whenever I joke about being poly, I notice you shut down the conversation. Why do you do that?"

I would ask you -- why do you wimp out? Rather than just stating things honestly to your partner of 10 years? You don't feel safe enough there to just be up front?

Could tell him you have feelings for Jamie. Have that poly part as a separate conversation a bit later. It could be like a series of conversations in installments. It doesn't have to be like this big WHOOSH of stuff all in one day. It can be spread out over a weekend, a week, whatever.

If the main thing you want to tell him first is that you are having feelings for Jamie? Tell him. Go bite size.

So what does James think this is with you and Jamie?
  • Lovers? Cuz you do share sex.
  • Friends? Cuz you hang out and talk daily.
Where is surprise if you say you have feelings now?

I know I adore and love James, he’s my everything and I can’t lose him.

The front part? You manage. You can adore and love James all you want.

The back part? James consent to participate in things belong to him. Even if Jamie weren't in the picture, if James didn't want to date you any more, that's HIS choice. Just like it would be your choice if you didn't want to date any more.

You doing stuff or not doing stuff from fear of a break up -- what's that self limiting behavior all about?

I just don’t want anyone’s feelings to get hurt.

So you prefer to hurt you? Tie yourself up in knots? Keep it simpler on yourself.

People here sound like they consented to enter this of their own will. Nobody was forced.

You don't have to be "in charge" of how other people feel or don't feel. Could expect each person be responsible for their OWN emotional management.

Everyone here is a grown up, and yeah. Dating sometimes comes with up and downs. That's just life.

Be kinder to yourself. And be honest with your people.

Galagirl
 
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Magdlyn

Well-known member
Feelings often grow when you spend a lot of time with someone. If you have a platonic friend that you hang out with a lot, and get along with well, well, they're going to go from being an acquaintance, to a friend, to a good friend, to a best friend.

Add in sexual attraction, and bam, you love him. It's perfectly natural.

Sure, you might have had a "sex only" agreement with James, regarding other people. But that's pretty unrealistic for a lot of people. What has happened is nothing to take lightly. Do more reading about polyamory and the dynamics. Opening Up is a good book for formerly mono couples. You could inform yourself more before talking more to James, in order to renegotiate boundaries. Then you can reassure him more confidently, that you're not choosing Jamie over him.

It's possible to be in love with 2 people at once. People have been doing it for as long as there have been people. Our culture tries to make us think it's bad. But it really isn't.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello DanniMadd,

It's true, James' feelings might get hurt if you confess to him that you have feelings for Jamie. But what's the alternative? If you don't confess, James will go on consenting to what he thinks the situation is, when actually the situation is different. What if he would not want to consent to a situation in which you had feelings for Jamie? Shouldn't he have the opportunity to make that choice? You know the old saying, "Oh, what a tangled web we weave ... when first we practice to deceive." That is the problem with letting James believe something you know is not true, don't get mad at me for saying this, but you are lying by omission. And that complicates the situation.

You need some kind of exit strategy. Perhaps you could start by bringing it up as a hypothetical. "James, how would you feel if I told you I had feelings for Jamie? Would you be hurt? sad? scared? angry? Can you tell me why you'd feel that way? Is there any way I can reassure you that I love you as much as ever, if not more? that there is no way anyone could take the place of you in my life." Of course, at that point James would probably guess that you did have feelings for Jamie, but maybe it would be a way to bring up the topic gently? ease him into it? I am just casting about for some little thing that might help. I do think you owe it to James to tell him the truth.

You have a complicated situation on your hands! I hope you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

DanniMadd

New member
Thank you all for your replies. I decided to take the leap and told James everything and I feel so much better for it. He was so understanding which totally shocked me because as I mentioned before, he used to change the subject quickly. You guys made me see it all from a different mind set and that’s really what I needed, so I can’t thank you enough. James is happy that I’ve been honest with him and myself and has said we are going to go on this journey together. Thanks again for your words and advice.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Glad to hear you were honest and up front and that your conversation with James went well.

I hope you will be more confident about being honest and up front when having whatever other conversations are needed with both James and Jamie as this continues to unfold.

GL!
Galagirl
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
That's great Danni! I'm glad that you worked up the courage to talk to James, and that the conversation went better maybe than you had expected!
 

Titanic74

New member
Feelings often grow when you spend a lot of time with someone. If you have a platonic friend that you hang out with a lot, and get along with well, well, they're going to go from being an acquaintance, to a friend, to a good friend, to a best friend.

Add in sexual attraction, and bam, you love him. It's perfectly natural.

Sure, you might have had a "sex only" agreement with James, regarding other people. But that's pretty unrealistic for a lot of people. What has happened is nothing to take lightly. Do more reading about polyamory and the dynamics. Opening Up is a good book for formerly mono couples. You could inform yourself more before talking more to James, in order to renegotiate boundaries. Then you can reassure him more confidently, that you're not choosing Jamie over him.

It's possible to be in love with 2 people at once. People have been doing it for as long as there have been people. Our culture tries to make us think it's bad. But it really isn't.
Wow wish I get some great advice like this.
 
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