I don't want to be poly under these circumstances

W

Wife

New member
My husband and I have been together for over a decade. Happily married and involved in the swing lifestyle. As with any relationship, we have had our ups and downs. But overall, we've always had great communication. A few months ago, my husband meet a woman (who I absolutely adore) and I gave them permission to play solo while I was at work. I'll call her M. Things seemed great. She really only wanted a friend with benefits situation because she was unhappily married and her husband had not pleased her sexually in months because he was no longer attracted to her. Anyways, they began seeing each other every day. Texting all day and night, calling each other, etc. I mentioned to them that I wanted the three of us to spend some time together to see if this could benefit us all. As I mentioned, I really like her. Unfortunately, my husband became very withdrawn from me. Didn't really call me, didn't text me much, nothing. I expressed my disappointment and he said I was being ridiculous. I asked that they limit their time to twice a week which I thought was reasonable, and he was furious.

Now, I consider myself to be a very open minded individual. I've had solo play dates, he's had several. But this was different. Eventually, my insecurities got the best of me and I looked at his phone. Boy do I wish I had never done that. Reading through weeks of their messages, telling each other how madly in love they are. And as I'm sure you can imagine, I was absolutely crushed. Never felt anything so painful. My fear of losing him (which I never had before) turned to rage for a moment, and now I'm stuck in this downward spiral of emotion.

To answer the anticipated question, yes, I confronted them both. She was honest and said her feelings were genuine for him. She could not apologize for that. And I suppose I didn't expect her to. He was absolutely enraged. The invasion of his privacy was enough to make him tell me things like, "yes I love her, I've been miserable for years" (news to me), "I love the way she makes me feel" and "stop trying to vilify her, she's not the bad guy". Now he wants me to embrace the relationship between them, and be a poly triad. She has told me that she understands her "place" and does not want to take him from me. He says he never wants to be without me. He tells me that I "owe it to him" to try this poly triad and that I need to be fair to her.

I'm so sick to my stomach every day. It's only been a week. I asked for baby steps and he said he isn't going to slow down their progress just because I need to catch up. I'm so absolutely devastated I can't think half the time. I've always been open to threesomes and even solo play. But how do I deal with the car that if I don't love her I lose him? And if I don't conform to their blossoming relationship, I still lose? The idea of starting over is too much to think about. My little girls would never understand and I don't know that if ever be able to explain it to them given that their father and I have been blissfully married since they were born.

I do not want to be forced into a poly relationship because I'm in fear I may lose my husband. I feel I may have lost him already. But on the other hand, I allowed this to happen, so I have my own guilt to deal with as well. And I don't dislike her. She has apologized for not telling me her feelings. He tells me he just can't open up to me. I am so confused. No more tears to cry, too many meals missed (which doesn't seem to phase him) and I have nobody to talk to. Any words of advice would be appreciated. Maybe I just desperately needed someone to listen and tell me I'm not crazy and always negative, which is the only thing I've heard the last week. Where do I go from here?
 
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I am very sorry you are going through this Wife.

You are neither crazy and, from your description, not "always negative".
I think most people would be distraught in your situation. Hurt, anger and sorrow are completely understandable emotions under the circumstances.
Your husband's words and actions are out of line by any standards because they are unfair and unkind.

I'm sure others here will chime in shortly to point out his breaking the rules of swinging, polyamory and just plain decent behavior.

Be gentle with yourself

Leetah
 
Thank you Leetah, I'm just so sad and withdrawn. And he claims that is pushing him further away. I'm overwhelmed. I used to be so fun, and perky. But I feel like I'm losing myself as well. He said to ask him to end it would be unfair to them both and extremely selfish. And I don't want to hurt them. But I don't want to go through this alone, and I'm now sure how to "embrace" this game changer while the two of them fall harder for each other. I feel like I'm almost phasing myself out by trying to accept it.
 
Sometimes, when a person is allowed as much of something as they say they want, they gorge, choke on it, and lose their appetite for it.
 
I am sorry you deal in this.

Your husband is not participating.

If it is news to you that he has been miserable for years? He did not talk to you along the way so changes could be made. You are not a mind reader.

If his feelings changed for his play partner from casual sex to a romance, he could have renegotiated agreements. It is not ok that you invaded his privacy. It is also not ok that he is not keeping you up to date. Again, you are not a mind reader. It is hard to have a participatory relationship with a brick wall.

Now you are digesting all this and processing emotions. He does not want to see your long face. Even though his behavior of not sharing info along the way contributed to some of the situation making.

I would do this...

Do your self care first.

Apologize for the peeking. Own it. On another day?

You do not want to be part of a triad. Say so up front. Their side can continue with nothing changed. Same agreements about safer sex and all that. But a V shape rather than a triad shape. You are not stopping him or slowing anything on that side down. You just do not want to be involved with her romantically or sexually.

Then on another day? I would ask him what he is willing to do to strengthen (you +him) side of the V communication. He is not participating in the relationship when he expects you to just "mind reader" him and he grows resentful that you cannot. Nobody can.

I think he is acting out his resentment toward you with that. Even though he caused his own resentment from his unrealistic expectation. He could not expect you to mind reader him. He could expect himself speak up and make you aware along the way. This "I cannot open up to you" thing... Well, what are his plans for growing the skills so that he CAN? He sounds like he is not owning his stuff and taking personal responsibility. He sounds like he is passing the buck on to you.

Do not get caught up in the blame game though. Move it forward to problem solving and finding solutions. See a counselor if required.

I think he could own his side of the job. He could make you aware of problems when they are "nip in bud" level, rather than letting them fester and grow bigger. Rather than seeking escapism in his other relationship and neglecting helping to tend to the health of this one.

If this other relationship is now his exit strategy, have those conversations for how to part ways peacefully.

Could ask him what his willingness is. Is he still up for participating in relationship with you? No longer willing?

Do not be afraid to be honest and up front. Expect same in return. No drama. Just...what do we have on the table here?

You can handle this, however it turns out. Even though it seems bewildering right now. One thing at a time here.

First step is figure out what conversation needs to happen.

How to handle a V in a better way from this point forward so the (you +him) side is better nourished?

Or

How to disband peacefully?

Which are you guys on?

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
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Your husband demanding that you be in a triad is ridiculous. You cannot be forced to love someone, and neither can she. You like the woman, great, but but that doesn't mean you want her for another life-partner.

Your husband and his gf are in love, and that probably isn't going to go away. Personally, I think seeing his gf twice a week is more than reasonable while you're both adjusting to the situation, but he wants no limitations on his relationship with her, so that's that. I say he also doesn't need to be texting her all the time when you're around.

The big question is, is he willing to work on his marriage? Invest at least as much of his time, energy and focus into strengthening your relationship as he is on building a new one with his gf?

It is unrealistic to expect that when having other sexual partners, feelings won't get involved. That's the part of swinging I've never understood. Why such emphasis on casual sex? Sex is an emotional thing, and unless you are just having one-night-stands, it is natural and wonderful to love the person you make love to. There's no reason your husband can't love two women at once. But if he's not treating you lovingly and respectfully, you have a serious problem.

You are not out of line to feel what you feel and to want more focus on your marriage. I hope you and your husband find a way to communicate more honestly and kindly so you can both find your bliss.
 
Why does he think you owe this to him ? And why if he's been miserable for yrs why doesn't he want to be without you ?
 
Inyourendo said:
What does her husband think of her being madly in love with another man?
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I recently found out that he husband is unaware of the situation. I am not ok with this because I think it's wrong, but that is not my decision to tell him I guess.
 
Wife said:
I recently found out that he husband is unaware of the situation. I am not ok with this because I think it's wrong, but that is not my decision to tell him I guess.
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In that case I suggest you do nothing. This love affair will surely implode of it's own accord soon enough. :(

In all seriousness, as hard as it is, I think you need to try to keep you and your husband's relationship, and his new relationship with her, separate in your own mind at least. If things were better at home, and if you could repair the trust with him, I suspect you would actually be in a pretty good position to make that transition from sexually open to polyamorous. I think that's the key message to hammer home to him. It doesn't sound like you are fundamentally opposed to the idea - thrown by the timing and the fact that it was never discussed in advance - but basically a lot more open minded than some who find this forum. It can take a couple years to ease into this. His expectations of your ability to adapt are completely unrealistic, in my opinion. And with the less-than-honest way they have both approached this from the start, makes me think that this could be a very steep learning curve for everyone.

If this is going to work, it's your husband that needs to step up. Being the hinge-person is not the glamorous love-in that it seems - you need some pretty solid people-relating and communication skills, combined with sensitivity and patience. Those skills can be learnt, but they take time and self-awareness. If he's expecting to just wing it, then I urge you to brace yourself for the drama-fest or step out of the race now. It could get a whole lot worse before it gets any better.
 
Inyourendo said:
I wouldn't stay involved with a cheater. You are just as guilty as they are by tolerating it.
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I think that's a bit harsh. She's in no way equally culpable, and it's not her place to inform the husband. Yes, we might add this as another good reason (there are already many others in this story) to consider a quick exit now, but she can no more control her husband's behaviour than she can a stranger on the street's. If my partner farts in public, am I to say 'excuse me'? In what way could she possibly be 'just as guilty'? She's made her feelings known to her husband about it; it's for him to decide if he wants to be party to the cheating or not.
 
tenK said:
I think that's a bit harsh. She's in no way equally culpable, and it's not her place to inform the husband. Yes, we might add this as another good reason (there are already many others in this story) to consider a quick exit now, but she can no more control her husband's behaviour than she can a stranger on the street's. If my partner farts in public, am I to say 'excuse me'? In what way could she possibly be 'just as guilty'? She's made her feelings known to her husband about it; it's for him to decide if he wants to be party to the cheating or not.
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Im not saying that she should out them but come on, enabling a cheater doesn't make you guilty?
 
Sweet darling, first Galagirl has laid out beautiful questions and a plan of action. I suggest you follow it. Second, you should not feel guilty for not wanting this relationship with another woman. Not every one is bi.
Personal note. I have been where you are. I let hubby have he next door neighbor. She wanted more of the relationship than the girlfriend should have. To the point that she would point out my faults to hubby and correct my children while I kept up my house. I hated her for poisoning my relationship. I told hubby I wanted a divorce and I told him it was be cause of the neighbor. I told hubby all of my reasons for the grounds of divorce, including infidelity. He threw it in my face that I said he could have her. I explained to him that he could have her as a play mate. Not for her to come over every day and sit under my carport and smoke her cigarettes while holding his hand in front of our children while I clean and cook for him. I also told him that I was not leaving my house. I talked to a lawyer I was going to win everything. Four children, the house, his retirement, the whole shebang. He talked to his lawyer and amazing how fast he kicked neighbor to the curb after that.
Not saying I am right but poison is poison. Talk to your male about strengthening your and his relationship. If he is unhappy talk about it. You like Galagirl said are not a mind reader. Without communication there is no relationship. I did years of therapy to learn to speak up and grow a backbone. I'm still perky but hubby doesn't walk over me either.
I know this is mine to share and I don't want you to get a divorce, please I encourage you to talk things out with your male.
 
Inyourendo said:
Im not saying that she should out them but come on, enabling a cheater doesn't make you guilty?
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I don't see how anything she does (or does not do) could give or take away his own autonomy in this matter, no. When you enable an act, you make that act possible. Being in a relationship with someone doesn't make it possible for them to be in a (cheating) relationship with someone else. Their own actions take care of that. Dating person A does not enable me to date person B. I enable both those acts, not person A or person B.

If you are conflating the idea of enabling an action and supporting an action then your stance makes more sense to me. I think if you are actively supportive or encouraging of a cheating situation then you do invite some degree of responsibility, if only because you are not acting in the best interests of those people to whom you have a connection. However, the OP has already said she does not support the action, so it doesn't apply to this situation.
 
GalaGirl said:
I am sorry you deal in this.

Your husband is not participating.

If it is news to you that he has been miserable for years? He did not talk to you along the way so changes could be made. You are not a mind reader.

If his feelings changed for his play partner from casual sex to a romance, he could have renegotiated agreements. It is not ok that you invaded his privacy. It is also not ok that he is not keeping you up to date. Again, you are not a mind reader. It is hard to have a participatory relationship with a brick wall.

Now you are digesting all this and processing emotions. He does not want to see your long face. Even though his behavior of not sharing info along the way contributed to some of the situation making.

I would do this...

Do your self care first.

Apologize for the peeking. Own it. On another day?

You do not want to be part of a triad. Say so up front. Their side can continue with nothing changed. Same agreements about safer sex and all that. But a V shape rather than a triad shape. You are not stopping him or slowing anything on that side down. You just do not want to be involved with her romantically or sexually.

Then on another day? I would ask him what he is willing to do to strengthen (you +him) side of the V communication. He is not participating in the relationship when he expects you to just "mind reader" him and he grows resentful that you cannot. Nobody can.

I think he is acting out his resentment toward you with that. Even though he caused his own resentment from his unrealistic expectation. He could not expect you to mind reader him. He could expect himself speak up and make you aware along the way. This "I cannot open up to you" thing... Well, what are his plans for growing the skills so that he CAN? He sounds like he is not owning his stuff and taking personal responsibility. He sounds like he is passing the buck on to you.

Do not get caught up in the blame game though. Move it forward to problem solving and finding solutions. See a counselor if required.

I think he could own his side of the job. He could make you aware of problems when they are "nip in bud" level, rather than letting them fester and grow bigger. Rather than seeking escapism in his other relationship and neglecting helping to tend to the health of this one.

If this other relationship is now his exit strategy, have those conversations for how to part ways peacefully.

Could ask him what his willingness is. Is he still up for participating in relationship with you? No longer willing?

Do not be afraid to be honest and up front. Expect same in return. No drama. Just...what do we have on the table here?

You can handle this, however it turns out. Even though it seems bewildering right now. One thing at a time here.

First step is figure out what conversation needs to happen.

How to handle a V in a better way from this point forward so the (you +him) side is better nourished?

Or

How to disband peacefully?

Which are you guys on?

Hang in there!

Galagirl
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I did apologize to him for looking at his phone. But I had this gut feeling that neither of them was being honest with me, and any relationship or even friendship that is based on lies from the jump, is destined to fail. He told me that she and I are equal and will be treated as such. But I don't think he's being honest about that either.
 
Sounds like he is her cheating accomplice now.

And you vote no confidence in his Word or n his hinge ability to balance both sides of a V.

Did you decline the triad?

What is your desired outcome? Do you want to wait and see? Leave? What are your needs? How can forum people help?

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
Sounds like he is her cheating accomplice now.

And you vote no confidence in his Word or n his hinge ability to balance both sides of a V.

Did you decline the triad?

What is your desired outcome? Do you want to wait and see? Leave? What are your needs? How can forum people help?

Galagirl
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My desired outcome is to keep my marriage intact. But without assurance from him that I am good enough for him to keep around, is neither fair to me or my children. I don't want to be an option. On the other hand, I have compassion for her. I try and see things from every point of view. In the long run, if my husband truly wants to be with me, where does that leave her? This is not fair to her either. His theory on "winging it" is not only ridiculous as it is obnoxious, but it's selfish in the sense that there are hearts on the line, and he isn't taking that into consideration. I am not opposed to a triad, but this relationship that they share did not include me, and the emotional infidelity has broken my heart. Mainly because I felt devalued. Like I was disposable and I didn't mean enough to either of them to tell me. Had I been completely oblivious, months down the road, this could have been much worse. He has asked that I not participate in the swing lifestyle at all until we as a triad can explore that option together. I don't think this is fair. This is honestly the last thing on my mind, but he is quick to put restrictions on it, and wants no restrictions on his relationship with her?! I just don't get it. I have to partake in these 3 way messages but I can't say I love you because it might make her jealous, I can't talk about our sex life because it upsets her unless she is allowed to go into detail about theirs... This all just seems so one sided and it's breaking me.
 
I suppose my biggest concern is that he no longer sees me as his primary. It's all or nothing with him. He thinks I'm overcomplicating the whole situation. Am I? To him, she is just as important as I am, if not more so because of her sensitivity and feelings. But what about mine? Am I being selfish? Is my heart overpowering my brain? Or vice versa? I feel like if I don't try this relationship out, I'm going to lose him. But have I lost him already? He seems so much more concerned about the way she's dealing with me being a part of this. Just when I feel like I can talk to her, (yesterday) and have an honest conversation, she calls him (this morning) and cried about her jealousy and insecurity of not being equal. But I'm not supposed to act any different with her because she doesn't know he called to tell me how close minded and insensitive I am. My fear of being alone definitely has its own power. I am 33 years old. I have two children, one of whom is disabled. Finances have always been a struggle for us as we are pretty much paycheck to paycheck and have been for years. Getting a divorce isn't going to benefit either one of us or the children for that matter. But having a sad, depressed mommy isn't fair to my girls either. Especially when dad is clearly happy and content in his selfish state of ego-stroking promiscuity. The part I hate most is what is turning me into. I am a loving and forgiving human being. I'm not this broken, angry, selfish person that I feel like I'm becoming. I just want to know how to feel like there is more in my future than sharing my husband with a woman I can't trust. Not that I can trust him either at this point.
 
My desired outcome is to keep my marriage intact.
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Hard to do by yourself. Marriage is two people carrying the marriage stick. He's not carrying his side.

For now you could give it some time while exercising firmer boundaries yourself. See if he shapes it up on his end of the stick or if this is just how it is now. If this is just how it is now, you could decide to leave because your needs are going unmet/neglected.

His theory on "winging it" is not only ridiculous as it is obnoxious, but it's selfish in the sense that there are hearts on the line, and he isn't taking that into consideration.
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Yup.

He has asked that I not participate in the swing lifestyle at all until we as a triad can explore that option together. I don't think this is fair.
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It is fair for him to ask. He is not a mind reader.

It is also fair for you to be honest in your answer. You can respond with "No, thank you. I am not willing to do that. I am not willing to change current swinging agreements between you and I. I am not willing to explore swing as a triad."

This is honestly the last thing on my mind, but he is quick to put restrictions on it, and wants no restrictions on his relationship with her?!
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He's being unfair.

I have to partake in these 3 way messages. I can't say I love you because it might make her jealous, I can't talk about our sex life because it upsets her unless she is allowed to go into detail about theirs...
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Stop doing 3 way messaging if it is not fun for all 3. Could say "No, thank you. I am not willing to 3 way message. I prefer you have message time on your own with her, and then you and I take on our own another time."

Then leave them to their messaging time without you.

This all just seems so one sided and it's breaking me.
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It IS one sided.

You could say "no" more often if it is not your cup of tea. Do not add more to your load.

You could also figure out what your limit of tolerance is. Are you getting close or past it? If past it? The situation has already become intolerable. Have a separation or outright leave the marriage.

If close but not yet, make him aware of the problem areas, ask for the changed behaviors you want, and see if he is willing to implements or not.

If he is indeed all talk, no show? Bow out.

Galagirl
 
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