Candiedlove
New member
If you were having an affair with a man whose wife didn't know, that would make you a cheater. I apologize, I didn't see the woman in question he'd had the affair with, I did not read all the comments.
I don't want to be poly under these circumstances
- Thread starter Wife
- Start date
If you were having an affair with a man whose wife didn't know, that would make you a cheater. I apologize, I didn't see the woman in question he'd had the affair with, I did not read all the comments.
GalaGirl,
Perhaps the bargaining stage is a good way to describe it. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to be the only reason that I continue to be miserable, given the fact that I have the option to walk away. I haven't completely come to grips with that reality just yet, but I'm getting there. Starting over would be devastating for me. The fear of being alone definitely plays a part in that. Trying to get past the anger has proven to be increasingly difficult. And my resentment towards them both is rearing it's ugly head. And I don't want that. Why can't my heart and my brain work together on this?
Perhaps the bargaining stage is a good way to describe it. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to be the only reason that I continue to be miserable, given the fact that I have the option to walk away. I haven't completely come to grips with that reality just yet, but I'm getting there. Starting over would be devastating for me. The fear of being alone definitely plays a part in that. Trying to get past the anger has proven to be increasingly difficult. And my resentment towards them both is rearing it's ugly head. And I don't want that. Why can't my heart and my brain work together on this?
Inyourendo
New member
Yeah that's amazingly shitty
I think they are. You might not like what they're saying, but I think they are.
Your heart is telling you that this isn't right for you. And by "this", I don't mean polyamory necessarily, but this "polyamory" that is being pitched to you in this disrespectful, shitty, insensitive manner.
You should feel angry. You should be upset. Someone who is supposed to love and take care of you is trying to sell you on an incredibly shitty situation (for you), and make you love and enjoy it and want it. He's trying to guilt trip you. It sounds like the most he's admitted of his own problems in this situation is to say that he's acting "a little bit selfish".
Do you realize that he's trying to gaslight you? It sounds, from what you've said, that he's either been incredibly unhappy for years and hiding it, OR (maybe) wasn't, but now there is this thing he wants (and it does sound like he's treating this other woman like a shiny new thing than a person), and what better way to get it quickly and without any chances/concessions towards you than to say that he's been "incredibly unhappy" for years and that you "owe" him?
Has he said what he's incredibly unhappy about for years? Because really, with all the other lying going on, I'm tempted to call shenanigans.
Also, unless he's been incredibly unhappy not having a girlfriend for years, what the hell does adding a girlfriend do to his unhappiness? If he way say, unhappy because he had all the stress of being the primary breadwinner in the house, the solution isn't a girlfriend. It's maybe you getting part-time job, or him getting a different job that pays better or maybe you getting a full-time job while he stays home with the kids a few years or something that is at least related to what he's been unhappy about for years.
That's assuming this unhappiness is really a real, years-long issue. And if he hasn't said exactly what he's unhappy about, I would really be concerned. People who have been unhappy about a particular thing for years can usually go on about it for hours at the drop of a hat.
Anyways, whether or not he has been unhappy for years, the universe does not hand out consolation-prize girlfriends to assauge said unhappiness.
And I think your heart and mind are working wonderfully. They're also giving you a lot of pain, but that pain is better than the death-by-degrees you'd suffer if you allowed him to talk you into this bullshit triad.
It's ok to be on the journey -- you are in a process. You are not at final acceptance yet. Have to work through the stages. Most of the time, you seem to be seeing clear. You are grieving though.
I agree with LizziE. Head and heart seem to be working together fine -- it's just processing dolorous stuff. I don't think in this situation you get "past" the anger or try to ignore it or stuff it down or make it go away.
You work with it. The anger is there as a catalyst emotion so things change. It is a flag emotion that lets you know people are stepping on your toes. And he's stepping on them!
In this case, only you can make healthy change happen for you. If he's not going to work with you, that option is not even on the table. It's a hard one to accept, but that's where you are at now. He does not care. To the point where he brings her to your bday and blows off anniversary.
The only options left on the table are (you stay for more shenanigans -- which I do not suggest) or (you work leave -- which while hard, is the healthier option.) Coming to terms with that is a hard pill to swallow.
I think you know what has to happen if he continues this way. You have to draw your line in the sand and set a limit. Then hold yourself accountable to it. He cross the line again, you leave. Leave with regrets... but leave.
I strongly encourage you to see a counselor for extra support if you can. Talk stuff out, make plans. It's not easy right now for you. The only way out is seeing it through and being your own rock. Pick the healthy things for YOU. Seeking a counselor's support would be healthy.
You do not have to go down with the ship just to keep him company. Be willing to leave if he's hell bent on crazy.
I'm so sorry. You are grieving a lot of things. He's just not the guy you thought he was and he's treating you bad while telling you he loves you. That would mess with anyone's head.
Galagirl
I agree with LizziE. Head and heart seem to be working together fine -- it's just processing dolorous stuff. I don't think in this situation you get "past" the anger or try to ignore it or stuff it down or make it go away.
You work with it. The anger is there as a catalyst emotion so things change. It is a flag emotion that lets you know people are stepping on your toes. And he's stepping on them!
In this case, only you can make healthy change happen for you. If he's not going to work with you, that option is not even on the table. It's a hard one to accept, but that's where you are at now. He does not care. To the point where he brings her to your bday and blows off anniversary.
The only options left on the table are (you stay for more shenanigans -- which I do not suggest) or (you work leave -- which while hard, is the healthier option.) Coming to terms with that is a hard pill to swallow.
I think you know what has to happen if he continues this way. You have to draw your line in the sand and set a limit. Then hold yourself accountable to it. He cross the line again, you leave. Leave with regrets... but leave.
I strongly encourage you to see a counselor for extra support if you can. Talk stuff out, make plans. It's not easy right now for you. The only way out is seeing it through and being your own rock. Pick the healthy things for YOU. Seeking a counselor's support would be healthy.
You do not have to go down with the ship just to keep him company. Be willing to leave if he's hell bent on crazy.
I'm so sorry. You are grieving a lot of things. He's just not the guy you thought he was and he's treating you bad while telling you he loves you. That would mess with anyone's head.
Galagirl
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opalescent
Active member
Wife,
I am so sorry you are dealing with this situation. Other folks have given you some thoughtful advice.
I just wanted to add that I've known people who are done with a relationship but will not actually say the words themselves to break up. Instead they behave horribly or 'only' indifferently to force the other person to break up with them. They don't want to be the 'bad guy' or just really avoid conflict or hard conversations. It can be outright manipulation or sometimes they are really unconscious about it. I've also met people who will not leave an unhappy relationship until they've found the next partner. Unfortunately, your husband reminds me of both of these people.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this situation. Other folks have given you some thoughtful advice.
I just wanted to add that I've known people who are done with a relationship but will not actually say the words themselves to break up. Instead they behave horribly or 'only' indifferently to force the other person to break up with them. They don't want to be the 'bad guy' or just really avoid conflict or hard conversations. It can be outright manipulation or sometimes they are really unconscious about it. I've also met people who will not leave an unhappy relationship until they've found the next partner. Unfortunately, your husband reminds me of both of these people.
IndieSolo
Active member
You know what I would do, if I were you, Wife? First thing tomorrow morning, I'd say to him, "It's either her or me. Which is it?" If the first word out of his pie-hole is anything other than "you," I'd hold up my hand and stop him before more of his bullshit tumbles out. And that's when I'd say, "I'm calling a lawyer." End of discussion.
PinkPig
Well-known member
I second this. He's shown you where his priorities lie and it's not you or your marriage. I know it's difficult. I left a 20+ yr marriage. It wasn't easy or fun but in the end, I'm a stronger, happier, healthier person for it.
Give yourself the love and compassion that he's unwilling to give you.
starlight1
Active member
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
Fear of being alone is just a sign that the substantial You is waiting to be discovered. When you have the conviction of a woman who knows what she's worth, the whole world rises up to meet your expectations and will lay a beautiful new life in your path.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
starlight1
Active member
This is so true. I found my inner strength when all else (people) were stripped away and newer brighter positive ones took their place.
I just love jumping in. We had a couple approach us about a 4some. He pushed it. We found out later because he wanted an affair with another woman. He hoped that I was 20 years older than her would get her to bail and he would lever another woman for him.
Only problem is she fell in love with me, yes I had feelings for her. She and my wife were ok, no sexual interest as the one feigned being by. She moves in, partially to defuse their household. After a few months, she tried to break us up, she could never comprehend that we talked about everything. She left and they appeared to have divorced. Don't get sucked into another persons drama.
She and I were very sexual, she was submissive and always horny. I did see through it as a control on her part. One day we will find a drama free woman that fits with us and make a triad, not a 2+1.
Only problem is she fell in love with me, yes I had feelings for her. She and my wife were ok, no sexual interest as the one feigned being by. She moves in, partially to defuse their household. After a few months, she tried to break us up, she could never comprehend that we talked about everything. She left and they appeared to have divorced. Don't get sucked into another persons drama.
She and I were very sexual, she was submissive and always horny. I did see through it as a control on her part. One day we will find a drama free woman that fits with us and make a triad, not a 2+1.
Hi TheWind,
Don't know if you've looked at the guidelines yet, but you should be aware that you're not supposed to post off-topic in someone else's thread. Your post should have *something* to do with the original topic.
I suggest you start your own thread somewhere; that way you can post whatever you want in your own thread.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Don't know if you've looked at the guidelines yet, but you should be aware that you're not supposed to post off-topic in someone else's thread. Your post should have *something* to do with the original topic.
I suggest you start your own thread somewhere; that way you can post whatever you want in your own thread.
Regards,
Kevin T.
I read TheWind's post as being somewhat relevant because he's talking about his experiences with bringing another partner into an existing couple dynamic, and the resulting difficulties.
Even though it isn't the same as Wife's situation, it's still a situation in which a woman comes into an existing relationship and causes problems (or tries to) between a husband and wife, which is at least tangentially related to Wife's original post.
But maybe I don't know what I"m talking about, because I've had that kind of day...
Even though it isn't the same as Wife's situation, it's still a situation in which a woman comes into an existing relationship and causes problems (or tries to) between a husband and wife, which is at least tangentially related to Wife's original post.
But maybe I don't know what I"m talking about, because I've had that kind of day...