GlitterHorse
New member
Tw: self harm
Hey, I’m new here (29f). I’m going through a really rough and confusing time, and I’d just like some input. I don’t know if I did anything wrong, or if I could have done anything better, or if I just got the short end of the stick here. For a little bit of background, I’ve been solo poly for the last 7ish years. I’ve had a couple longer term on/off things, but I haven’t been in a long term, 100% committed relationship since I was in my early twenties, and that’s the last time I really fell in love. I identify as demisexual/bellusromantic, and have had partners that I loved and cared for deeply, but not like… that. Most of my partners I am still good friends with, and we still talk or occasionally hang out.
I started talking to someone on tinder in early April. Their (34nb) profile stated that they and their spouse (34f) of 9 years were in an open marriage that sounded pretty queerplatonic from what I was told. I had to cancel our first meet because I didn’t feel well, but we talked on the phone for ~3 hours, and I was kind of floored by how cool they were. We had a really good proper first date, even though I was so nervous I was sweating. We started seeing each other on weekends for either a day date, or an overnight. I had mentioned after a couple weeks that I wished we could have more quality time, and the answer I got initially was they felt the same but our work schedules aren’t compatible, and that hopefully that would change soon. We texted all day, and we’d do phone calls a couple nights during the week. I let my guard down entirely. It’s really rare for me to feel so comfortable and comforted by anyone, and wow I missed that. They started casually saying things like “Haha that’s what you’ll say about me when I’m 44!” “We’ll make it last forever, that’s just what I want with you.” “Ugh I’m so into you it hurts a little.” And then it was I love you. I said it first, and felt weird and I was apprehensive and cagey about it. But I meant it. And they said it back, and it felt good. I’ve met two soulmates, who were (and still are) profoundly important to me, and it felt like that. I *love* NRE (best part of being bellusromantic is that I’m like “haha this feels sooo good but I know in my heart this means nothing to me ”) but this felt deeper. I could tell them anything, and I just liked being present with them. I was smitten with this person. I also understood that they had a life partner, and that was fine. I was falling for them, and they were falling for me, and we gazed at each other’s navels and blah blah blah. Fun.
And then they casually told me a couple weeks ago that the one day a week thing was actually a rule in their relationship. Why did they brush it off like something that was just an inconvenience of work life at the moment when I had initially asked? Why were they doing so much? That really upset me, and it made me fucking scared. I did some crying at that omission because like… that would have been cool to know up front. We met up for our date on Sunday, had a good time going on a hike, then decided to talk about it. And phewwww
I was led to believe this open marriage was a thing that had been like, a pretty organic joint decision. It only happened because the person I was seeing had started to do some straying and had violated her trust by having a crush on someone else and trying to act on it I guess but not fully doing so (this was less than a year ago.) They had also considered separating, but that was a conversation she wouldn’t have at the time. That was new information. I asked them if they had actually talked to their spouse about the dynamics that now existed and like, really basic things people need to discuss and no. They hadn’t. The person I was seeing, it seemed like, was so scared of any conflict in their partnership that they were willing to placate, and I fucking hated that. I hated that for me but I also hated that for her. More new news, anything outside their partnership was supposed to be strictly sex/casual, no partnerships and definitely no deep feelings. She had actually asked them to “reel it in” (ok what dude how?) I felt especially upset that none of these boundaries were discussed with me before I had to pry. So I asked if things could be negotiated, specifically the time thing. I asked them to speak with her about what was going on. I just wanted them to be honest. They said that they knew at this point they would be breaking someone’s heart, and stated that they would rather h*rm themselves than have that talk. That actually scared me, and I considered reaching out to the spouse but in doing so, I would risk exposing things they had said to me that were not mine to expose. I told them that if it had to be anyone out, it should be me - I’m the most expendable. We don’t own a house together. But also, would that be fair? And also, if they kept this arrangement and they didn’t discuss it, this could happen again with somebody different. I tried to keep my composure and just be supportive and said that I wanted them to take time to process everything and not speak until they were ready, but that this was a really bad position to be put in.
I got a series of texts after “the conversation” that week that were basically like “Anyways sorry no, you can have one day a week and also sorry I can’t be your date to a wedding that is in 2 days and if that doesn’t work I’m sorry. I’ll give you space, really this isn’t so bad it’s exactly what we’ve been doing.” I don’t even think I felt jealous at this point, necessarily, just so amazingly angry. I wanted to self destruct. I felt humiliated I had told my mom about them, and my friends about them, and how happy I was. I felt stupid for not knowing anything that I wasn’t told, and I felt like I was just a Fucking Vacation. They didn’t call to check on me. I started to think about just d*ing, too. Like, I had a last straw moment. I texted some things that were not nice at all out of overwhelming frustration about the situation I was put into, which looking through my words now was a big rejection sensitive dysphoria moment. Nothing demeaning towards her or anything, just me yelling about how messed up I felt about the communication problems and how unfair it felt to me. So I mostly fucked off for the weekend, ended up going to the wedding alone. Texted a couple times asking why I wasn’t worth a phone call. I apologized for blowing up, and on Sunday they said they’d call me the next day, but again, were prioritizing time with her.
They called me on Monday at 11 am and told me they had really thought about it and no longer wanted to be in their current partnership, and planned to talk about separating. And then they asked me if I would wait for them. I kinda felt sick. I missed their voice so much, I had answered the call with a sweet cooing “hey.” I told them that I didn’t want them to make any sort of decision like that on my behalf, their decisions needed to be made purely for themselves, and that having this conversation with me before their spouse was… actually a kind of weird ass thing to do. Like, what can I even say to that? Yes? No? I didn’t ask for this at all. Why are you telling me this before you tell her? We talked for about half an hour, I reminded them that I would be okay, and I asked them to please think about everything before doing that. They texted me before the talk. They texted me after the talk. They said their spouse was sad but relieved with their honesty and they had a plan to do it slowly over the next few months, which sounds totally fine and healthy, support that.
Apparently shit hit the fan when she asked them to promise not to talk to me at all, and they couldn’t. She lost it, they were kicked out of the house as a result and told that if they saw me at all, they would not be allowed back into the home, which honestly…. feels really weird. I asked if there was anything I could do to help, and that I did not want to make the situation worse. They decided to go back home a couple hours later. I asked them to please stay safe.
Next morning texted to check in. They had a suicidal crisis, the spouse is now responsible for helping them with their mental health treatment plan, they’re cutting off all romantic connections, and they hope they are “no more than a small negative blip” for me. Could never happen. I genuinely hope they figure it out, and that their mental health improves, and that they can be happy. I know, rationally, I maybe didn’t do anything wrong. But I just feel like crap for how badly this all went. I’ve been reading through all our text messages to reassure myself I’m not like, completely crazy and I didn’t make it up… But I feel entirely heartbroken.
My chest has been hurting all week. I don’t know what to do. I’m just… exhausted and floored and if anyone has any advice for me to stop feeling so guilty and complicit in all of this, I’d love to stop feeling like everything is my fault. I feel like I’m a match that was dropped into a gas can.
Hey, I’m new here (29f). I’m going through a really rough and confusing time, and I’d just like some input. I don’t know if I did anything wrong, or if I could have done anything better, or if I just got the short end of the stick here. For a little bit of background, I’ve been solo poly for the last 7ish years. I’ve had a couple longer term on/off things, but I haven’t been in a long term, 100% committed relationship since I was in my early twenties, and that’s the last time I really fell in love. I identify as demisexual/bellusromantic, and have had partners that I loved and cared for deeply, but not like… that. Most of my partners I am still good friends with, and we still talk or occasionally hang out.
I started talking to someone on tinder in early April. Their (34nb) profile stated that they and their spouse (34f) of 9 years were in an open marriage that sounded pretty queerplatonic from what I was told. I had to cancel our first meet because I didn’t feel well, but we talked on the phone for ~3 hours, and I was kind of floored by how cool they were. We had a really good proper first date, even though I was so nervous I was sweating. We started seeing each other on weekends for either a day date, or an overnight. I had mentioned after a couple weeks that I wished we could have more quality time, and the answer I got initially was they felt the same but our work schedules aren’t compatible, and that hopefully that would change soon. We texted all day, and we’d do phone calls a couple nights during the week. I let my guard down entirely. It’s really rare for me to feel so comfortable and comforted by anyone, and wow I missed that. They started casually saying things like “Haha that’s what you’ll say about me when I’m 44!” “We’ll make it last forever, that’s just what I want with you.” “Ugh I’m so into you it hurts a little.” And then it was I love you. I said it first, and felt weird and I was apprehensive and cagey about it. But I meant it. And they said it back, and it felt good. I’ve met two soulmates, who were (and still are) profoundly important to me, and it felt like that. I *love* NRE (best part of being bellusromantic is that I’m like “haha this feels sooo good but I know in my heart this means nothing to me ”) but this felt deeper. I could tell them anything, and I just liked being present with them. I was smitten with this person. I also understood that they had a life partner, and that was fine. I was falling for them, and they were falling for me, and we gazed at each other’s navels and blah blah blah. Fun.
And then they casually told me a couple weeks ago that the one day a week thing was actually a rule in their relationship. Why did they brush it off like something that was just an inconvenience of work life at the moment when I had initially asked? Why were they doing so much? That really upset me, and it made me fucking scared. I did some crying at that omission because like… that would have been cool to know up front. We met up for our date on Sunday, had a good time going on a hike, then decided to talk about it. And phewwww
I was led to believe this open marriage was a thing that had been like, a pretty organic joint decision. It only happened because the person I was seeing had started to do some straying and had violated her trust by having a crush on someone else and trying to act on it I guess but not fully doing so (this was less than a year ago.) They had also considered separating, but that was a conversation she wouldn’t have at the time. That was new information. I asked them if they had actually talked to their spouse about the dynamics that now existed and like, really basic things people need to discuss and no. They hadn’t. The person I was seeing, it seemed like, was so scared of any conflict in their partnership that they were willing to placate, and I fucking hated that. I hated that for me but I also hated that for her. More new news, anything outside their partnership was supposed to be strictly sex/casual, no partnerships and definitely no deep feelings. She had actually asked them to “reel it in” (ok what dude how?) I felt especially upset that none of these boundaries were discussed with me before I had to pry. So I asked if things could be negotiated, specifically the time thing. I asked them to speak with her about what was going on. I just wanted them to be honest. They said that they knew at this point they would be breaking someone’s heart, and stated that they would rather h*rm themselves than have that talk. That actually scared me, and I considered reaching out to the spouse but in doing so, I would risk exposing things they had said to me that were not mine to expose. I told them that if it had to be anyone out, it should be me - I’m the most expendable. We don’t own a house together. But also, would that be fair? And also, if they kept this arrangement and they didn’t discuss it, this could happen again with somebody different. I tried to keep my composure and just be supportive and said that I wanted them to take time to process everything and not speak until they were ready, but that this was a really bad position to be put in.
I got a series of texts after “the conversation” that week that were basically like “Anyways sorry no, you can have one day a week and also sorry I can’t be your date to a wedding that is in 2 days and if that doesn’t work I’m sorry. I’ll give you space, really this isn’t so bad it’s exactly what we’ve been doing.” I don’t even think I felt jealous at this point, necessarily, just so amazingly angry. I wanted to self destruct. I felt humiliated I had told my mom about them, and my friends about them, and how happy I was. I felt stupid for not knowing anything that I wasn’t told, and I felt like I was just a Fucking Vacation. They didn’t call to check on me. I started to think about just d*ing, too. Like, I had a last straw moment. I texted some things that were not nice at all out of overwhelming frustration about the situation I was put into, which looking through my words now was a big rejection sensitive dysphoria moment. Nothing demeaning towards her or anything, just me yelling about how messed up I felt about the communication problems and how unfair it felt to me. So I mostly fucked off for the weekend, ended up going to the wedding alone. Texted a couple times asking why I wasn’t worth a phone call. I apologized for blowing up, and on Sunday they said they’d call me the next day, but again, were prioritizing time with her.
They called me on Monday at 11 am and told me they had really thought about it and no longer wanted to be in their current partnership, and planned to talk about separating. And then they asked me if I would wait for them. I kinda felt sick. I missed their voice so much, I had answered the call with a sweet cooing “hey.” I told them that I didn’t want them to make any sort of decision like that on my behalf, their decisions needed to be made purely for themselves, and that having this conversation with me before their spouse was… actually a kind of weird ass thing to do. Like, what can I even say to that? Yes? No? I didn’t ask for this at all. Why are you telling me this before you tell her? We talked for about half an hour, I reminded them that I would be okay, and I asked them to please think about everything before doing that. They texted me before the talk. They texted me after the talk. They said their spouse was sad but relieved with their honesty and they had a plan to do it slowly over the next few months, which sounds totally fine and healthy, support that.
Apparently shit hit the fan when she asked them to promise not to talk to me at all, and they couldn’t. She lost it, they were kicked out of the house as a result and told that if they saw me at all, they would not be allowed back into the home, which honestly…. feels really weird. I asked if there was anything I could do to help, and that I did not want to make the situation worse. They decided to go back home a couple hours later. I asked them to please stay safe.
Next morning texted to check in. They had a suicidal crisis, the spouse is now responsible for helping them with their mental health treatment plan, they’re cutting off all romantic connections, and they hope they are “no more than a small negative blip” for me. Could never happen. I genuinely hope they figure it out, and that their mental health improves, and that they can be happy. I know, rationally, I maybe didn’t do anything wrong. But I just feel like crap for how badly this all went. I’ve been reading through all our text messages to reassure myself I’m not like, completely crazy and I didn’t make it up… But I feel entirely heartbroken.
My chest has been hurting all week. I don’t know what to do. I’m just… exhausted and floored and if anyone has any advice for me to stop feeling so guilty and complicit in all of this, I’d love to stop feeling like everything is my fault. I feel like I’m a match that was dropped into a gas can.