I feel strung along, and I know what I need to do, but...

OrangeRabbit

New member
Ugh, this situation is driving me up the wall.

I have a long standing friend, whom I've known for *years*. I've admired him from afar for a very long time, partially because for the time I knew him, I was in a mono relationship (that, looking back, I should've left sooner, but here we are) and now I'm happily polyam with a lovely polyam partner whom I live with.

It took some guts, but we admitted we'd had a thing for each other for a very long time. He came over, we talked for hours, we kissed. There was an amount of fooling around, but nothing super heavy - he said he wasn't going to sleep with me yet, and that was genuinely refreshing. I thought 'Ok, this is nice. We should talk about boundaries and stuff tomorrow or soon or something.'

The next day, he sat me down and said 'So, you know I can't date you right?' as plain as anything and my heart dropped out through my ass. I thought 'No. No I did not know that. You have not told me that.' but what came out was 'Ok.'

All that was said was that he couldn't because of some issues with his partner. He has 'some stuff to sort'. So I suggested shelving this and maybe another time, when he was in a better place, we could look at it again. He said 'No, I'm going to sort some stuff out because I want this.'

Sensible polyam brain said 'Ok. Look. You don't know what's going on so you can't judge the situation properly. You just know he doesn't seem to be in a good place so...take it easy.' so I'd just...let him sort what he needed to sort.

Days turned into weeks. Weeks are now months. He said he wants me to 'wait for him.' It looks like they're stuck in a rut, but effectively, he's not allowed to date me until they're out of the rut. He says there's progress, but it's slow. But you can't put timers or deadlines on these things - and I'm not 100% comfortable that if we did get together that the metamour wouldn't just cut me off when they felt like it. Especially given he told me that she made him dump one of his last girlfriends and that sets off some horrific, screaming alarms in my head. He won't have sex with me because he and his partner aren't having sex - but that's isn't what's super-bothering me. That seems to be his choice.

I think I just need to a) stop thinking about it (we know how hard that is BUT I need to) and b) chalk this up as 'the wrong time and wrong dynamic' and leave it there, once I've told him why I won't be continuing.

I know the answers. I guess I'm just looking for comfort and reassurance.

Much Love. <3
 

icesong

Active member
But you can't put timers or deadlines on these things - and I'm not 100% comfortable that if we did get together that the metamour wouldn't just cut me off when they felt like it. Especially given he told me that she made him dump one of his last girlfriends and that sets off some horrific, screaming alarms in my head.
This would set off screaming alarms in my head too, and I'm glad you recognize them.
I think I just need to a) stop thinking about it (we know how hard that is BUT I need to) and b) chalk this up as 'the wrong time and wrong dynamic' and leave it there, once I've told him why I won't be continuing.
I think not continuing is definitely the right thing in this case. That said, it might be worth it both in terms of stopping thinking about it AND having a gentler conversation with him, figure out what it would take, if anything, for him to make you feel (emotionally) safe about this connection, if that's even possible? Might help with the "well, IS there a right time or is it just absolutely wrong dynamic" questions....)
 

MeeraReed

Active member
Just to clarify: the partner that you with live is a different person than the friend you are talking about here? So you're in a happy poly live-in relationship?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello OrangeRabbit,

I think you're right, your gut instincts are telling you to back away from this situation, this friend of yours has not worked things out with his partner, and she has veto power on any/all of the people he dates. I don't think that's a good situation. Tell him why you can't continue with him, and suggest that he contact you after he works things out with his partner, or better yet, after he breaks up with her.

Such are my impressions,
Kevin T.
 

OrangeRabbit

New member
Just to clarify: the partner that you with live is a different person than the friend you are talking about here? So you're in a happy poly live-in relationship?
Yes. I live with my one partner. The long standing friend does not live with me, he lives with his partner.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I think I just need to a) stop thinking about it (we know how hard that is BUT I need to) and b) chalk this up as 'the wrong time and wrong dynamic' and leave it there, once I've told him why I won't be continuing.

I know the answers. I guess I'm just looking for comfort and reassurance.

FWIW, I think you call it right. Not the right time, the right person, or right dynamic.

He said he wants me to 'wait for him.'

You can tell him "No, I will not be waiting. I have to live my life. You are not in a place to poly date. I prefer to just accept that. We can go back to being friends." Then stop talking to him about poly dating stuff or how his opening up his relationship is going or not going.

He says there's progress, but it's slow. But you can't put timers or deadlines on these things - and I'm not 100% comfortable that if we did get together that the metamour wouldn't just cut me off when they felt like it. Especially given he told me that she made him dump one of his last girlfriends and that sets off some horrific, screaming alarms in my head.

I don't love it when people pass the buck rather than OWNING their behavior choices. She may want him to dump people for whatever reason, but he can say "No. I will not be doing that." She cannot "make him" do stuff. He chose to oblige.

I'm sorry this happened. Even when you know the right thing to do (and you are!) it's a bummer.

Galagirl
 

OrangeRabbit

New member
Thanks all.

I had a gentle conversation with him today and he agreed. I asked him if he'd like to read some articles on 'veto' and why I'm not comfortable with it, and he's taken those away to read. And I'm leaving that there.

Gunna lick my wounds for a bit.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Sounds like you made the right decision for the situation. I'm sorry you had to break up with him, that is never fun.
 
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