OrangeRabbit
New member
Ugh, this situation is driving me up the wall.
I have a long standing friend, whom I've known for *years*. I've admired him from afar for a very long time, partially because for the time I knew him, I was in a mono relationship (that, looking back, I should've left sooner, but here we are) and now I'm happily polyam with a lovely polyam partner whom I live with.
It took some guts, but we admitted we'd had a thing for each other for a very long time. He came over, we talked for hours, we kissed. There was an amount of fooling around, but nothing super heavy - he said he wasn't going to sleep with me yet, and that was genuinely refreshing. I thought 'Ok, this is nice. We should talk about boundaries and stuff tomorrow or soon or something.'
The next day, he sat me down and said 'So, you know I can't date you right?' as plain as anything and my heart dropped out through my ass. I thought 'No. No I did not know that. You have not told me that.' but what came out was 'Ok.'
All that was said was that he couldn't because of some issues with his partner. He has 'some stuff to sort'. So I suggested shelving this and maybe another time, when he was in a better place, we could look at it again. He said 'No, I'm going to sort some stuff out because I want this.'
Sensible polyam brain said 'Ok. Look. You don't know what's going on so you can't judge the situation properly. You just know he doesn't seem to be in a good place so...take it easy.' so I'd just...let him sort what he needed to sort.
Days turned into weeks. Weeks are now months. He said he wants me to 'wait for him.' It looks like they're stuck in a rut, but effectively, he's not allowed to date me until they're out of the rut. He says there's progress, but it's slow. But you can't put timers or deadlines on these things - and I'm not 100% comfortable that if we did get together that the metamour wouldn't just cut me off when they felt like it. Especially given he told me that she made him dump one of his last girlfriends and that sets off some horrific, screaming alarms in my head. He won't have sex with me because he and his partner aren't having sex - but that's isn't what's super-bothering me. That seems to be his choice.
I think I just need to a) stop thinking about it (we know how hard that is BUT I need to) and b) chalk this up as 'the wrong time and wrong dynamic' and leave it there, once I've told him why I won't be continuing.
I know the answers. I guess I'm just looking for comfort and reassurance.
Much Love. <3
I have a long standing friend, whom I've known for *years*. I've admired him from afar for a very long time, partially because for the time I knew him, I was in a mono relationship (that, looking back, I should've left sooner, but here we are) and now I'm happily polyam with a lovely polyam partner whom I live with.
It took some guts, but we admitted we'd had a thing for each other for a very long time. He came over, we talked for hours, we kissed. There was an amount of fooling around, but nothing super heavy - he said he wasn't going to sleep with me yet, and that was genuinely refreshing. I thought 'Ok, this is nice. We should talk about boundaries and stuff tomorrow or soon or something.'
The next day, he sat me down and said 'So, you know I can't date you right?' as plain as anything and my heart dropped out through my ass. I thought 'No. No I did not know that. You have not told me that.' but what came out was 'Ok.'
All that was said was that he couldn't because of some issues with his partner. He has 'some stuff to sort'. So I suggested shelving this and maybe another time, when he was in a better place, we could look at it again. He said 'No, I'm going to sort some stuff out because I want this.'
Sensible polyam brain said 'Ok. Look. You don't know what's going on so you can't judge the situation properly. You just know he doesn't seem to be in a good place so...take it easy.' so I'd just...let him sort what he needed to sort.
Days turned into weeks. Weeks are now months. He said he wants me to 'wait for him.' It looks like they're stuck in a rut, but effectively, he's not allowed to date me until they're out of the rut. He says there's progress, but it's slow. But you can't put timers or deadlines on these things - and I'm not 100% comfortable that if we did get together that the metamour wouldn't just cut me off when they felt like it. Especially given he told me that she made him dump one of his last girlfriends and that sets off some horrific, screaming alarms in my head. He won't have sex with me because he and his partner aren't having sex - but that's isn't what's super-bothering me. That seems to be his choice.
I think I just need to a) stop thinking about it (we know how hard that is BUT I need to) and b) chalk this up as 'the wrong time and wrong dynamic' and leave it there, once I've told him why I won't be continuing.
I know the answers. I guess I'm just looking for comfort and reassurance.
Much Love. <3