I feel trapped

[quinaultimate]

My husband and I (both male) have been together for over 20 years. We were each other’s first…well, everything, and we have been monogamous the entire time. About five years ago, he began having regrets regarding his lack of relationships. He felt like he missed out on having “normal” teenage/20s experiences (true) and wanted to open up the relationship so he could do some exploring. I agreed, because I understood his reasoning and wasn’t concerned he would dump me for someone else.

Things were OK, for a while. He would be gone maybe one weekend a month, which was fine with me because I am an introvert and liked spending the occasional time alone. But he quickly discovered that he wasn’t into casual relationships and started seeing only one person. I considered this to be a real stretch of our original agreement because we never discussed getting romantically involved. But I knew he didn’t plan things to turn out this way so I didn’t fault him for it.

To make a long story short, their relationship continued to escalate over three years to the point where I no longer feel like we are even married anymore. I am always coming in second. For example, this year is the *third* year in a row I am spending both Thanksgiving and Christmas home alone, taking care of dogs, while Husband and Meta spend the holidays with Meta’s family. I wasn’t asked this, I was told.

This is my #1 most hated thing about our relationship — I am the dirty little secret. To all of Meta’s friends and family, Meta and Husband are a couple and I do not exist. I wouldn’t mind this too much if this was parallel poly, but Husband very much wants us to be kitchen table and eventually all move in together. That’s the crux of the problem, really…when the two of them are together, it’s parallel, but when Husband and I are together, it’s kitchen table. Meta is welcome to tag along whenever he wants on “our” weekends, but under no circumstances am I allowed to participate in “their” weekends. I keep telling my husband it’s the three of us or the two of you, there is no two of us anymore. But it’s been three years and nothing changes despite his assurances that he’s “working on it” (whatever that means).

I’ve read enough of these forums to realize that at least some of you would recommend ending our relationship. A big part of me desperately wants to because I feel like I’m nothing more than a paycheck and a dog sitter. I feel like background noise — my husband would notice if I wasn’t there, but at the same time pays no attention to me. But my husband was diagnosed with cancer and is undergoing chemo/radiation right now. It’s not life threatening at this point, but it’s serious enough to warrant surgery later this year. And I just can’t be the asshole who leaves his husband in the middle of cancer treatment.

So I’m trapped. And any time I tell my husband how I am feeling, he responds with either anger or a dismissive “not this shit again” attitude. When I speak to him, he doesn’t listen, he counterattacks. Even though I am very careful to frame it as “I feel…” instead of “you did…”, he has this attitude like I criticized him so now he gets to criticize me back. For example, he forgot about date night one week and instead of a simple “I’m sorry”, I got a lecture about how I was expecting him to be perfect and that was unreasonable and by the way I don’t ask him how his day went when I get home from work and oh yes, I’m “exasperating” to live with. All calculated moves to put me on the defensive and change the subject.

What do I do?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello quinaultimate,

I know your husband has been with your metamour for a while (three years?), but to me his actions and behavior sound like NRE gone out of control. You do not want to leave him, but he may leave you. In the meantime, you are trying to talk to him, and he is not listening. I don't know if you could stand the thought of a temporary separation? like live apart from him for a couple of months. Or maybe there are practical reasons why that would not be possible. Would it help you if you started looking for another partner? If he can have two partners, surely you can? or is that just not something you'd be interested in? What about the idea of seeing a therapist? I would suggest going by yourself, with the hope of the therapist giving you ideas of what you could do to not feel so trapped. But maybe going as a couple would help too.

Other than the above suggestions, I regret to say that for the most part, you will probably have to continue to suffer, and hope his NRE finally dies down. You will have to wait for him to realize, on his own, without you telling him, that he is doing you wrong. You will have to wait for him to stop taking you for granted. I figure either that will happen, or else he will eventually divorce you. Right now, he prefers his relationship with his new partner, you are just part of the decor. He may upgrade you eventually, but maybe only just a little. It may be, him and the meta, or all three of you together, for the rest of your lives. Unless he fully recovers from his cancer, and you then find yourself free to be the one to divorce him. But would you want to divorce him even then? I am thinking that you still love him deeply, and would be willing to suffer in order to stay with him.

If I can think of some other ideas, I'll surely let you know.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I mean this kindly ok?

I’ve read enough of these forums to realize that at least some of you would recommend ending our relationship. A big part of me desperately wants to because I feel like I’m nothing more than a paycheck and a dog sitter. I feel like background noise — my husband would notice if I wasn’t there, but at the same time pays no attention to me.

So do what you need to do for YOUR well being. Part ways.

But my husband was diagnosed with cancer and is undergoing chemo/radiation right now. It’s not life threatening at this point, but it’s serious enough to warrant surgery later this year. And I just can’t be the asshole who leaves his husband in the middle of cancer treatment.

But it is ok for you to be an asshole to yourself and keep yourself in this situation you do not like that you desperately want to leave?

Yes, the timing is unfortunate. Nobody can help being sick when they get sick, but illness isn't a reason to remain married.

He's got another partner to see him through this, and it is not life threatening cancer.

You are not being an asshole in wanting to get out of this stasis and move on with YOUR life. You don't have to put YOUR life "on hold" waiting for " a good time" in his life to break up. If you suspect you are now basically just being used for paycheck and dog care? There will never be a "good time" if he just wants access to the services you provide.

And if he finds you "exasperating to live with" -- maybe ending it NOW rather than when he's sicker is easier for him to deal with!

You can be a good ex/friend if you both want that. Send him supportive cards, phone visits, hospital visits, etc. But you don't have to stay married if you just want to move on and be free of it. Look at how it sounds...

"We don't get along any more. He's mean to me/neglects me. So I want out of the marriage. He finds me exasperating to live with. But he has cancer. I don't want other people thinking I'm an asshole divorcing him during his cancer time. So for the sake of what other people think, I'm going to stay miserable and he's going to stay exasperated/mean to me." ​

THAT is a good reason to be married to you?

So I’m trapped. And any time I tell my husband how I am feeling, he responds with either anger or a dismissive “not this shit again” attitude. When I speak to him, he doesn’t listen, he counterattacks.

Could simply stop talking. Could go file for divorce at the courthouse. Move on to action.

Take care to set up your own bank accounts and prepare to move out before filing. Sometimes breaking up brings out the ugly side in people. Maybe on one of those weekends he's gone with the other partner? Just move your stuff to your new flat and don't be there any more.

Even though I am very careful to frame it as “I feel…” instead of “you did…”, he has this attitude like I criticized him so now he gets to criticize me back. For example, he forgot about date night one week and instead of a simple “I’m sorry”, I got a lecture about how I was expecting him to be perfect and that was unreasonable and by the way I don’t ask him how his day went when I get home from work and oh yes, I’m “exasperating” to live with. All calculated moves to put me on the defensive and change the subject.

What do I do?

Stop talking. Move on.

I can only imagine the pain you are dealing with. But no point in dragging it out if it's basically a brick wall and he doesn't want to talk or really solve anything and then to add to pile he just dumps on you. That doesn't sound like loving relationship to me.

If your parting ways brings on this wash of "mea culpa" and it is "too little too late" or "just no longer interested" for you? Keep on going. Turn the page.

You do not have to keep yourself trapped there.

Galagirl

 

[Evie]

Oh that's heartbreaking.

IMO, it's time for you to be that asshole, because it really seems like his behaviour is far too ingrained to be resolved.

(I'm normally not a divorce advocate, but the way you write about the situation... you deserve so much better. Go find it before the next 30 years passes in a very long groundhog day).

 

[quinaultimate]

I’d like to genuinely thank everyone who has replied so far. I’ll just throw out a few random responses.

It’s not NRE. I don’t know what I can say that’s convincing, but I went through NRE and this isn’t it. Meta has a big/tight family and there’s almost an expectation that Husband will show up.

Husband is not the asshole I portrayed here. Everything I said was true, and I think he has a lot to apologize for, but he’s not horrible. I just don’t feel like I have a place in his life anymore, and he’s reinforcing that by putting me second all the time. He offered to take me somewhere after Thanksgiving, and I think he genuinely does not understand how consolation prizes/sloppy seconds/table scraps like that just aren’t the same as a major holiday.

We’re both screwed up. He grew up with a raging alcoholic, and I grew up with an asshole stepfather that the entire family pressured me into keeping quiet about because my mother deserved some happiness (can you see why I put others wants and needs before mine?). Maybe I should try couples counseling first.

If it isn’t obvious, I have no problem with Meta and would be happy if...IF we were treated equally. Meta just came out as gay to his parents maybe two years ago, and the heat death of the universe is going to come before he tells his parents about me, which is the only thing that would even possibly enable me to not be abandoned for the holidays. I just don’t see an end game here where we all live happily ever after.

We are mono/poly. I have no interest whatsoever in finding someone else.

 

[GalaGirl]

I hope you feel a bit better airing out some.

FWIW, I don't think either of you is an asshole. I do think some of his behaviors right now are poor behaviors toward you. It's not kind to criticicize like that, get defensive, or stonewall. You sound like are hitting the 4 horseman Gottman describes. You can do the things of repair, but if your partner doesn't ALSO do them? You alone cannot carry the shared marriage.

Some of your own behaviors aren't so great. If you are desperate to get out but you keep yourself here out of some sense of obligation from your childhood where you put others ahead of you to your own detriment? That's not so hot. You could not do that. You could take better care of you. It is not "selfish" to want to be happy, to want your own well being to be ok.

I also wonder if you are growing apart. Been together since teens/young adults maybe? Never dated anyone else, together 20 years, etc. So him dating a new person has changed things for him. You might be experiencing some poly hell things. Maybe it helps wake him up to have him read that. Maybe it does nothing.

Maybe it's more for YOU. So you know you HAVE tried all the things... just going down the list of trying to work things out and bring things to his attetnion. You can ask if he's willing to try couple counseling. If he shoots it down like he's shot the other suggestions from you down? And he ignores all your marriage repair efforts?

Then you could give yourself permission to accept you have tried all the things. You give yourself permission to move on WITHOUT calling yourself an asshole because you cannot relate to a brick wall. Relationships are a 2 way street. If he's not holding up his side? He just isn't putting energy into this any more. You may have to accept that it may be over and done already in all but paper. So you don't have to put more energy into it either.

I just don’t feel like I have a place in his life anymore, and he’s reinforcing that by putting me second all the time. He offered to take me somewhere after Thanksgiving, and I think he genuinely does not understand how consolation prizes/sloppy seconds/table scraps like that just aren’t the same as a major holiday.

While the PAST relationship with husband may have been nice? The PRESENT relationship with your husband is no longer participating with you. It's like he's phoning it in.

I grew up with an asshole stepfather that the entire family pressured me into keeping quiet about because my mother deserved some happiness (can you see why I put others wants and needs before mine?).

That was while you were growing up. You are no longer a child at the mercy of other relatives.

You can make new choices for your own self as an adult. Including putting your well being and happiness first rather than last. Not like you are being selfish, but because you want to do your own self care and stop self neglecting in favor of other people.

If it isn’t obvious, I have no problem with Meta and would be happy if...IF we were treated equally.

But you are not. And it's not changing any. You would be ok with parallel poly -- but Meta leaks over on to your time with husband. And husband does nothing.

You would be ok with kitchen table poly on both sides. But husband does not want to coming along on Meta time things.

Either way? You have a problem with husband.

Meta just came out as gay to his parents maybe two years ago, and the heat death of the universe is going to come before he tells his parents about me, which is the only thing that would even possibly enable me to not be abandoned for the holidays. I just don’t see an end game here where we all live happily ever after.

So accept that. Meta is not gonna come out as poly, so there is no end game where you all live happily ever after. And because you are tired of being the "dirty little secret" with no relief in sight? You may want to bow out.

We are mono/poly. I have no interest whatsoever in finding someone else.

Nor would I suggest you start dating right now. Get through this first and spend some time healing first.

There doesn't have to be someone else waiting in the wings before you end a marriage. Sometimes they simply end because the people in them are no longer happy and/or no longer putting energy into them.

Again, I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have tried to make it clear to him and he's just not listening. And "just going through the motions" is starting to feel hollow.

You could do counseling just for you -- to support you as you contemplate making big changes. But you cannot force him to do couple counseling if he just doesn't want to.

Galagirl

 

[PinkPig]

I think counseling is a good idea. Only I'd do individual counseling. A good counselor will help you with your boundaries and will help you heal your childhood wounds. It's made a huge difference for me.

 

[FallenAngelina]

We’re both screwed up. He grew up with a raging alcoholic, and I grew up with an asshole stepfather that the entire family pressured me into keeping quiet about because my mother deserved some happiness (can you see why I put others wants and needs before mine?). Maybe I should try couples counseling first.

There's no such thing as screwed up, but there is such a thing as fear running your life because of past and present experiences. He's an untreated adult child of an alcoholic and the situation you describe is deeply ingrained codependent relationship patterns fallen into by both of you. These days, nobody has to live with "screwed up." There is so very much a person can do now to change behavior and thinking patterns and thus change relationships. The first step is getting off of how screwed up he is and focus on how you can make moves (both externally and internally) to get better. Just breaking up with your husband is not going to change the way you approach relationships. If you don't make changes (via therapy, books and any number of wonderful codependent recovery communities) you will just repeat this pattern of door matting yourself. Couples counseling is likely to prove impotent here. Focus on changes that you can make. That will be the most empowering, the most effective and the most enduring.

and oh yes, I’m “exasperating” to live with. All calculated moves to put me on the defensive and change the subject.

Hate to say it, but codependent thinkers are exasperating to live with. You think you're sacrificing and always putting him first, but it just ends up in resentment, fear and guilt - which is no fun at all on the receiving end. He's likely not as calculating as you imagine, he's just coping as best his untreated adult child of an alcoholic knows how. Neither of you needs to live with all of this negative thinking and no, you are not trapped. There are many resources for you - and again, never mind him and his issues. We never have to wait for someone else to do things differently in order to experience positive change. Never. The only way to move toward truly positive change is to focus on what you can do and think differently. Your husband is not holding you back, your fear of change and the unknown is holding you back. It's only when the pain of the present becomes greater than the fear of the unknown that we decide to reach out and make changes. Many people have made this choice - you won't be alone if you choose change for yourself, as well.

 

[Monkfish]

I learned not to judge about relationships while knowing only one side of the story.

I just can see you are in doubt of your relationship but don't want to leave because of some kind of guilt (cancer), which is imho something what's not relevant.

You should think things over with your heart, mind, body and soul and sum up advantages and disadvantages to leave or stay. I'm sure you will find the wisdom...

May be a long shot, but ever considered a Vision Quest?