I guess this is the deep end...

I feel so bad for your sister. That's a hard place to be. Maybe you could help her make some sort of get well something or other. It'll give her a creative outlet and a sister nearby showing that she cares.

Miss you, hopefully we can hang out tomorrow
 
You failed to mention this, dear.

We need to kidnap her and force her to do something fun, at least just to let her know that people are there for her.
 
I thought I told you at Hound's birthday thing. Like, I'm almost positive.

Right now, what she needs is to rest, I think. She does the same thing as me when she's stressed or grieving - doesn't eat or sleep for days at a time.

Her friend did attempt - she went from the Pediatric Emergency Room to Sheppard Pratt pretty quickly. This is apparently the second time the poor girl has tried to OD.
Last time she got stuck on pills that don't work, with a shrink who's apparently a bitch. Her parents are still basically keeping her locked up at home, with no contact with friends except for school and FB, and my sister doesn't go to school with her anymore - their middle schools split them into different high schools.

Apparently, her friend is feeling a lot better, cuz she got home and found about a billion messages on FB saying people were worried, and missed her, and stuff.

So hopefully, good will come out of this.
 
Still running constantly. On Monday I've got a paper, my mask, coil pot, and possibly three dishes and four pods due. Tuesday I have two papers and some other homework due, plus I have to finish this recording debacle from the interview and send our interviewee a transcript for her to review as quickly as possible.

Everyone at home is sick but me. It's just a matter of time before this cold hits. Still trying to find time to go see the doctor.

I'd like to stop and catch my breath, but I don't think I can until after this semester's over.
Two weeks left, and the profs want way too much work for that kind of timeframe.
 
One of the really good things about college, is that there is a definite end date to the overwhelming stress. Then a month later it slowly starts all over again. Hang in there winter break is almost here.
 
Take your cough drops, take your zinc, and hang in there. I know you can do this!! I have faith in you.
 
So, Grams got sick around Thanksgiving, and I dunno if living alone for 20 + years made her forget how to handle that when living with others, or what.

When I get sick, I generally quarantine myself, or at least don't do things like volunteer to be the one to set the table, or anything like that. Nothing that means I might risk coughing on your silverware right before dinner, or anything. I don't know exactly how it happened, but I think it was probably something along those lines. Or she just sneezed on dinner. Dunno, don't care.

All of us have it, "it" being something that began with a sore throat, and quickly evolved to the kind of sore throat that makes it painful to chew. This was followed shortly thereafter by cough, mild congestion, muscle aches, and lymph nodes so swollen that when J brushed his fingers over my neck, I nearly punched him cuz it hurt so much. It's possible that nobody but me ended up with a fever.
This blows.
Fevers make me fucking STUPID and often stubborn. Saturday night, I was firmly convinced that Karma was full of shit, and I didn't have a fever, and he should just leave me alone and stop nagging about asprin and shit.
My body temp is usually a degree or two lower than most people's, so a low grade fever still bakes my goddamn brain.
Once J finally talked me into taking some ibuprofen for the aches, and it kicked in, I realized how miserable I was.
Suddenly, I wasn't sweating, half-delirious, stumbling, or particularly dazed.
Wow.
Amazing how that works.

My theory is that since I was already short on sleep and stressed, I got sicker than anyone else in my family. I think it was Tuesday or Wednesday last week that, in my exhaustion, I decided it was a good idea to get home from class and take a sleeping pill, the antidepressant I'd missed that morning, and the three anti-baby pills I'd missed because I couldn't get a refill of my scrip early enough. I was tired enough it made sense to take it a couple hours before dinner, on a completely empty stomach. I spent the whole night puking, and then dry heaving once I ran out of things to puke up. I couldn't even keep down the water I drank. I was pretty positive I was just going to puke out my innards at one point, but didn't quite manage. No sleep for me makes me more susceptible to both stupid ideas and anything contagious.
Either that, or my ambitious, type - A personality self went and got not one but two viruses. It's happened before.
Like, a lot.

Either way, I'm only now starting to feel better, but still waking up every couple hours because I hurt, can't breathe, or am relatively sure I'm about to spontaneously combust.

Turned in my ceramics paper, my pot, and my mask last night. Got a rather chilly reception. I think she knows I spray-painted that bitch cuz I couldn't make it into the last batch of glaze firing.
English and Farsi today. Bleh. More being responsible for other people's asshattery.
Or maybe I'll just go in, hand him my papers, and tell the other kids to suck a dick and do their own homework, then go home to my fuzzy teddy and some more tea.
 
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I strongly suggest the teddy and tea method of handling their asshattery ;)
 
My sort of ex-girlfriend and I have been back in touch, recently. We parted on good (or at least not bad) terms, and kind of fell out of contact. Lately, we've been talking more.
She told me the other night that she still loves me. I still care about her a lot, but I'm terrified to lose one of the only girls I'm really close friends with if things don't work out, and I don't know if I want to try my first serious relationship with a girl when I'm also trying the poly thing for the first time. I've also been feeling like I need time to get my head in order before I go any further, so this is simultaneously something that put butterflies in my tummy, and something that made me kinda facepalm at the way nothing in my life comes in anything less than twos and threes.
 
Well...We both know you have some you work to do. You also have school to concentrate on. Family, Karma, J, friends. how does she feel about poly? Can she handle you dating Karma and whatever the hell it is with J? Can she handle your time being divided between the 6,000 other things you have going on? Can you handle adding someone else to that?

I see nothing wrong with getting back in touch, getting to know eachother again, and seeing where things go. I think people tend to put a label on something and then things fall apart when they don't match up with the perception of the label.

My concern come in with her saying she still loves you. While I do believe there are different levels of love, and maybe she does still love you, just on a different level, I can't imagine an un nurtured, unacknowleged, romantic relationship type love, still burning. My experience is that, "I still love you" tends to pop up when someone is feeling lonely and they reach out to an old flame hoping for something to be there. They hope the other person has been dreaming and pineing for them and that telling them "I still love you" will reignite that flame.

Not saying that is what is going on, that's just my experience and I worry about what her intentions really are.
 
Lately, I've felt completely overwhelmed just about everywhere. I feel like I'm way overextended, and have spent energy I didn't really have in the first place - physically and emotionally.

School has been a rough adjustment - the work isn't harder, the kids aren't smarter, there's just more of both.
Finals blow.

My grandmother moving in has also been an adjustment. Plus my sister's having the usual issues adjusting to being a high school freshman, along with her friend's issues. My brother's developing behavioural and focus problems. My dad might lose/leave his job. My mom is desperately trying to hold everything together. I'm trying to help.

Emotionally, I'm still kind of caught between J and Karma. I love both of them, and want to provide all I can for both of them. Both of them still occasionally challenge that love, and ask if I wouldn't just rather be with the other guy. There's still tension there. Mohegan really hates J, and I can sort of see why. If you don't know, he's hard to like. I know him better than anyone, though, and I love him. J and Karma aren't fighting, but they aren't friends anymore. Karma drinks, J doesn't, and neither of them partakes in what the other does. They have nothing in common now except me, and I am really bad ground to have in common. Neither of them trusts the other.
They're both going through either drama or big changes. J is leaving for another state after the holidays, and in spite of what he says, I don't think he's coming back. He has nothing here but me, and I've put him through hell.

My ex, A, who's gotten back in touch, is going through some rough stuff at home and at school.

I'm possibly a little bit OCD - mess and disorganization really, really stress me out. Since the house is full, and there's construction, that nerve has been pretty raw. I'm also an insomniac, and have had several weeks recently in which I got less than two hours of sleep a night.

Five years ago, I was raped, and this past year, a nasty encounter with D brought all that baggage back with a vengeance. Anxiety attacks, flashbacks, nightmares, and a feeling of helplessness have been fueling depression, and there's only so much a prescription can do for that. It's hard being close to guys, and intimacy just doesn't happen.
Emotionally, I feel like I'm shutting down. J, A, and Karma have all told me I've been distant, been pushing them away, been closed off, withdrawn, whatever.
Mohegan once challenged me, and told me that while what happened to me was horrible, I was letting it shape me, and that I should pull my big girl panties on and move on.




For the last seven years or so, I've bounced from one "relationship" to another. All the boys were younger than me, and less strong-willed than me. When push came to shove, I was perfectly safe. Emotionally, they couldn't challenge me. I mistook that safety for love, and ended up in relationships that weren't based on anything other than a general comfort and fondness. Every one of them was a nice boy with a spine weaker than spun sugar.
The first deviation from that pattern was the guy who hurt me. The next was Karma, four years later.

Needless to say, I haven't had a single normal, healthy relationship before Karma, so I went in blind, in the worst way. I got involved with him because I was lonely, felt comfortable, and thought I was prepared to take control of my sex life again. (read: have a sex life) We ended up failing at our one night stand and falling in love.
He's been amazing in so many ways.

But I feel like right now, I need to stand on my own two feet for once, and face some of the issues that I haven't been able to deal with.
I've been 'someone's girlfriend' for years, and since the previous relationships had so little meaning, I didn't have a foundation on which to base my needs and rules. Because of that, I haven't really come up with what my rules in a relationship are, and I really can't articulate a lot of my needs. When something hurts, my first instinct is to try to hide it (rather than show weakness) and handle it myself.
I know, given the opportunity, I'll use Karma as a crutch, and won't actually face the stuff I need to. I know I'll keep hiding. I also know that our relationship can't progress when my seemingly unavoidable defense mechanism is to shut down and find myself completely unable to communicate. It's not that Karma or J aren't listening, it's that I'm suddenly from another world and we don't speak the same language. I can't even answer simple questions. "What do you want of me?" or "What do you need from me?" make me lock up and my brain goes blank.
I don't trust myself to say when I need help, or when I need to stop, or when I need space.

I also have some major self-esteem issues to get over. I don't see myself as beautiful, brave, or strong. People keep telling me I am, and I almost feel guilty because I feel like they're wrong. I don't see why they love me, and it makes it hard to trust love, in some ways.

I need time to get my head on straight. I need time to put myself first, and stop agonizing over other people's problems that I can't fix. I need to finally face the parts of me I can't stand, and learn to love them. I need to feel like I'm not a walking disaster. I need to feel like I can take care of myself, so there's some meaning to it when I allow someone else to take care of me, rather than this feeling that I must be a constant burden. I need time to define what I need in a relationship and what I'm willing to give. I need to learn how to get past the 'shutting down' thing.

I need to believe I'm strong enough to be my own woman.

People are always getting angry with me for not standing up to this person, or facing down that one, and for not just putting my foot down, and demanding what I need, or for failing to make up my mind about a hard decision because it'll hurt someone's feelings and I don't want to cause anyone pain. People give me so much shit for not lashing out to defend myself, and for not just biting the bullet and making a tough call that's going to result in hurt all around no matter which way it goes. My sincerity is challenged because people see my indecision as weakness or insincerity. People question my courage and my morals when I'm paralyzed by unfair choices.

So I'm changing tactics.
I don't know if it's for the better, but I don't know what else to do. So I'm gonna do this, and go all the way on my own.
 
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Men like things they can fix. Let them feel useful, even if its something as simple as having someone put gas in your car so you can study. Sometimes having someone help you out with the simple things can make a big difference, just because it is one less thing to worry about. Using the resources at your disposal to relieve some stress from yourself does not make you weak, it puts you in a better place to concentrate on the stuff only you can deal with.

Ask any married man and they will vent frustration about why his wife even bothers to ask his opinion when she is just going to do the opposite anyway. Part of this is just that sometime it helps to talk something out with another person and knowing someone else is there for you just in case.

Don't shut out the ones you love, but involve them in the process. They may be able to see things you are too close to see.

Sending positive thoughts!
 
You have never been a burden to me. Please don't ever feel that way.

I love you. Love is never a burden.
 
Cricket: for years my dad would put gas in my Mom's car. He did it out of love for her. When we're out together Breathes will put gas in the car.

Don't let your independent streak get in the way of receiving help, which is freely offered, with something which is easily delegated.

You have had a LOT of things going on in your life lately. All of them HUGE changes! Go easy on yourself. Take the coming Christmas break, leave ALL work at home, & give yourself a mini holiday some where fun (Karma's maybe? grin (I'm drawing a blank here. I can't remember if over nights are allowed.)) for a few days.

You'll be totally amazed at how differently you will look at things once you've had a chance to relax and sleep!

Sleep deprivation does strange things to a person. I can relate a wee bit. I turn into the Queen Bitch when I get less than four hours of sleep & six being minimum required to function!
 
I typed up a huge update last night, and didn't actually post it. My distracted mind is not super functional, lately. I just shut the damn laptop and killed the whole thing.

I've been journaling a lot, and I realized today it's a LOT harder than it used to be. I used to be able to simply write down what I was feeling and thinking, and then go back later and think more about it as I read it again. Now I'm weighing every word, as if I have an audience who I might confuse, and worrying that I'll write something down that's only true at the time, and I'll change my mind, or my feelings will shift, and suddenly the information will be incorrect again. I can't get that stream of consciousness going as easily anymore.

I'm also trying to write out rules and needs in relationships, and ways to communicate my needs and fears. It's not that I lack sufficient vocabulary to tell people what's on my mind - I'm hobbled by weird baggage about hurting people's feelings.
That's why it was so hard to talk out why I felt like I needed a break with Karma. I sat and stewed about it for awhile first, because it's unfair to him. Nevermind that I was quickly nearing a point where it was bad for me to continue, it was unfair to him.
It's not that I crave martyrdom, or anything, I just really hate being the bad guy. I hate telling people things they don't want to hear. I hate being the one to end a relationship of any kind. I hate being the one to leave. I have a very hard time saying or doing things that will hurt feelings if it's only for my sake. It's a mix of a weird guilt complex and a weird vaguely political feel that interactions in my family tend to take.
Because of that, I often end up feeling really guilty and like I'm being mean if I try to impose rules on a relationship - even simple ones that are kind of a given.

As far as needs and rules, this is all I've got:

1.) I need to feel safe. Unfortunately, a lot of times, this isn't based very much on my partner, but on day to day emotional and psychological shifts, the environment, people around us, etc. But I need to feel like I am physically safe.

2.) I need to trust my partner. I need to believe that he really did just spend a night out with the guys. I worry a lot about being cheated on. I also need to trust that if I tell him to stop in bed, he will, no questions, no arguments.

There's a lot more in my head, but I can't really articulate it.

I got a Christmas card in the mail today from Mohegan and Karma. It made me smile. It made me miss them both a lot.

Karma and J are butting heads again. Karma feels like J's kind of stealing me, I guess.
J is my best friend. I have precious few of them, and he's the only one who's nearby. He's learned to read me very well, and he's gotten a lot better at not letting me hide from my issues.
He and I have spent a lot of time together lately, as much because I don't have anyone else to hang with as because I want to be with him.

On some level, I feel like if Karma figured out how much time he spends with other friends, and then compared it to how much time I spend with J, they'd be pretty much the same. He goes to hang out with six different people, I just chill with the one.
A lot of times, J and I don't talk about the hard emotional shit. We just chill, bullshit, smoke, watch tv, whatever. But sometimes, we sit down and have long, often painful conversations about who I am as a person, what I'm ok with, what I need to change for my own good, and what I need to change to become a better partner.
He's gotten pretty good at knowing when to tell me something I don't want to hear, or when to leave me to figure out something on my own and be there for me to cry on his shoulder when I come to an unpleasant realization.

J is really, really hurt by Karma's anger. He's tried really hard to reach out to Karma and be friends again. Now that J doesn't drink, he and Karma don't have much at all in common - except for me. I apparently don't make very good common ground.
I've been told time after time that something would have broken up their friendship, and that it's not really my fault, but I do still blame myself, to a degree. I wish they could laugh and joke and chill the way they used to. I didn't mean to push them to make up, but I guess I kinda did.
I dunno.

Started out yesterday morning with an inexplicable near-panic-attack. Like, a hug had me hyperventilating and trying not to punch J. No clue what triggered it. I don't even remember having nightmares the night before.
The day was full of meh.
Got horribly sick last night. Spent much of the wee hours of the morning on the bathroom floor.
Fuck yesterday. Possibly today too, just for good measure. Still feel pretty awful.
 
Cricket said:
Now that J doesn't drink, he and Karma don't have much at all in common
Click to expand...

I think you put too much on the drinking thing. Drinking isn't something to really have in common. I have plenty of friends of do other things I don't. I don't not hang out with them. I just avoid what they are doing.

Karma doesn't really drink all that much anyway.

J did a lot of cruel things to a lot of people. That's a hard thing to forgive and see past. It takes time to prove that changes have been made.

The distance between Karma and J has a lot more to do with J and his actions and a lot less to do with Karma and the fact that he drinks.

Karma cares deeply for you and doesn't want to see you hurt.
 
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It's not that I think they have nothing in common, and it's not that I think J has done nothing wrong.

They both did things that really hurt the other, and I can see both sides. Both felt pretty betrayed once they got done trying to tear each other up.

J has tried to apologize and tried to make a lot of huge, positive changes in his life. He's upset that people aren't willing to accept that he's actually making changes in his life for the better. I know how that feels, and lemme tell you, it sucks.

Karma expressed to me that he feels like he has nothing to do with J anymore because they don't drink together anymore - it's the only reason (aside from aforementioned issues) that I've really heard otherwise.

I know it's a little naive, but I want everyone to be friends again.
Now I'm feeling like I pushed too hard to get them both to quit fighting over things that are done and over, and move on.
It's just really hard to be patient about them forgiving each other when I'm still sitting in the middle of it.
 
Blunt honesty here - I suck at forgiveness. Period.

Can I see that he's trying to make changes in his life for the good? Yes, I can. I wouldn't defend him to other people if I didn't.

Can I forget that he has, among other things, tried to destroy my marriage and also lied/manipulated things to try to convince me that you didn;t want to see me anymore? No. I realize that may not be fair, but that's how it is. Whether his new changes in his life warrant it or not, I still can't bring myself to trust him completely.

That may change in time. Honestly, I'd like it to. But I'm not too sure how to get myself to that point right now.
 
I've been so busy being sick that I haven't had time to post much.
I'm most of the way out of the woods, though. I've had two viruses in as many weeks, and still have lingering feelings of ick.

The journaling has kind of gone on hold in the meantime.

A random observation I'd like to make note of before I forget: I'm apparently highly protective of Mohegan.

Obviously, I'm defensive of Karma. I'm furious at them for turning on him the way they did. It didn't occur to me that I would be equally furious for how they treated Mohegan. I don't usually get protective of chick-friends so fast.

I'm furious at Panda and Mr. Panda for the fight going on between the two of them, and it's hard for me not to get involved.

But this is SO not my fight, and not really even my business. I don't do Darkon - the closest I get is being camp mom for J's unit. I don't go out to events, I don't do politics, I don't fight.
So how Mr. Panda could blame me for the slow, lingering death of his country is kind of beyond me. It caught the drama-plague WELL before I ever got there.
 
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