I guess we're newly Half-monogamoish? Help!

[Lemonade]

Hello I am brand new to this site. Please let me know if this is the right place for this discussion. Something has been weighing on my mind and I have no one I feel comfortable to talk to about this with.

The short of it is, I am a monogamous woman 24 and my partner is the same age as me, he is a bisexual man. We have been happily dating for 4 years, are currently living together and have been for the past 2 years and will be getting married in a few months. As of recently, we both came to the decision that my partner was free to pursue casual sex (from other men, really)

I guess I am looking for a bit of perspective, any pitfalls/or red flags to watch out for? While I am okay with him pursuing casual sex-only encounters with other men, I am a little weary. What if down the line he develops emotional attachments/relationships with somebody else? There is some feeling in me, that while on a sexual level I do not feel jealousy or self conscious- on an emotional level I do. I cannot commit to the idea of sharing someone emotionally. I am open to hearing others' experiences who have been through something similar. I find I may learn something yet.

A little bit about us though:

Sexually as well as emotionally, we were each other's first and well...only relationship. We were both virgins. This is ideal for me and we are both committed to the idea of marriage in the near future but recently (maybe 2-3 months ago) my partner has been struggling with his own demons.

He wanted to validate his bisexuality- as he has never been with a man or anyone else for that matter. Not to mention- while we are both compatible with each other in values, politics, friendships, interests and our lifegoals- our sexual compatibility needs work. We are both attracted to one another physically, he just has a much much much higher libido than I do. I found I have been having to let him down a lot. I have been working on myself and figuring out ways to..."develop/increase" my libido and I have found marginal progress but it has been slow going.

Anyway, a week ago, I was the one to suggest to him about opening up our relationship to other people. And by that I mean only strictly casual sex with other men (he told me he didn't care for sex with other women since he has me) and this was more an avenue for HIM than for me and I let him know all of this.

I really don't need or want to pursue others myself- I am more on the demi-romantic side, I find it extremely difficult to view anyone in a sexual way unless I am emotionally attached first. I guess I am asexual until I find connection then I develop sexual feelings later. Dealing with one person's needs is plenty for me. If I were to change my mind, he is open to me having sex outside the two of us too. But that is neither here nor there for me.

I made the suggestion after considerable thought, he can explore his sexuality and satisfy his high libido, our relationship can still be happy and healthy so long as we are both honest and open.

I thought it was a good way where if he finds anyone who can please him sexually as well, in a way that I can't or have never thought of before, we can sort of use that to our advantage too.

I grew up in a catholic household, my parents would hardly kiss each other in front of us, and whenever something sexually came up on tv that we watch with my parents (oh game of thrones why) it was always super awkward, and we(me and my siblings) pretend it never happened. Basically any form of sex was not exactly banned but it was never talked about.

As a kid, I never masterbated, this was something I kind of learned to do throughout my relationship. So I have bit by bit started to experience my own sexual development through him, and while his development is on a different scale, I want him to be able to do the same, hence the decision to open up our relationship.

It is not only that but for the six years I knew him and according to him throughout his entire life, he has always been battling with depression. A kind of depression where he shuts hinself off from people, and in his mind has this negative cycle of self-hatred where every little mistake gets magnified, where he blames himself for things outside of his control. We talked about seeing a counselor for this, and while I am softening him up to the idea, he never really took the necessary steps or actions to go see one. His depression comes and goes continuously. When he is not depressed, he is super outgoing and charismatic and funny. When he is depressed, he shuts hinself off. Acts cynical. Says little. I have learned to ride these waves.

I personally think the depression comes hand in hand with repressing his identity. There is a correlation with when he first experienced the cycle of depression (he was 14 and his parents divorced) around the same time that he found out he could be bi.

While He is open with me and a few of his close friends, to his family, coworkers, and the general public, they do not have a clue he is bisexual. And even his close friends that know, all know ME so they think his bisexuality has more to do with an (either/or mentality rather than a BOTH mentality if that makes sense? Obviously bisexuality is different for different people and there are many bisexuals who do the either/or thing and are happily monogamous but with us, I think because of our difference in libido, and because we were virgins when we met, he just has this need for validation and for wondering what-if, so he's shifted from either/or sexuality to a BOTH desire )

I made the suggestion of opening our relationship a week ago, and already he found a man on grindr and did some oral stuff with him. Afterwards, he called me and we both talked about it in depth and I am happy for him. He knows that he is free to do this, it's not just a one-time freebie. And I got to experience everything vicariously through him as he gave me all the details afterwards, which makes me feel emotionally connected with him! If it were like this every time, it would be marvelous but I have my doubts.

I am one to look to the future. Consider all options. Wonder at possibilities. Wonder "what-if" to things. It was this personality that has allowed me to research open marriages and change my concept of jealousy etc MONTHS before it became relevant for us as a couple.

Previous to this experience, when we first dated and he told me he was bisexual, I asked him clearly: you have never had sex with a man, but we are in a commited relationship...don't you ever wonder? And back then he told me just because he was bisexual, didn't mean he couldn't be monogamous. And i believe him. He believed himself too.

But I am the kind who still did research the "what-if" scenarios ahead of time. And I am glad I dove in. I opened my mind about a lot of things and now look! We ended up going the direction I predicted.

Well. Now. I am wondering this is all fine and dandy so long as he doesn't develop an emotional attachment to someone. We talked about my concerns and he assures me he doesn't want emotional attachments either and he lets people know that before he does anything. But who knows if 10 years down the line that won't change?

I want him to pursue this for himself and for us too but I don't know what I can do to mentally prepare me for the scenario that I am no longer the primary love interest. Even casual encounters. They are still people. Humans. With needs. Any one of them can look at him and want to see him more. Or develop an emotional attachment with him. And if he cared about that person...

And if I care about him...


I guess I want to hear from you guys and your experiences. Have you always pursued poly relationships or was it a gradual thing, and if a gradual thing, what changed in your thinking/perspective? I understand I cannot control the future. But I can control me. What is this insecurity that I have and what can I do to be more open? And should I?


I hope this makes sense and I am not just rambling. Sorry!

 

[dingedheart]

First thing I'd do / suggest I'd put the wedding on hold for at least a yr until you get some of this sorted out. At 24 I don't see the crushing rush especially with all that happening.


It seems there a million different path to the poly door so you'll find gradual and you'll find someone having a lightbulb moment. It's too personal and varied to predict IMO.


Instead of trying to do a big overhaul on some insecurity you might want to see how the actual experience of him dating other men fits with a relationship with you. What's it going to mean in terms of time and attention, money., etc etc.

 

[Shaya]

Hi There,

DingedHeart has it right, I think. You entered this relationship on the promise of monogamy and for him to remain emotionally and sexually exclusive to you despite his bisexuality. If the relationship dynamics are rapidly changing now, let's see what relationship version 2.0 is like before the marriage commitment. It's expensive! Not to mention it involves everyone you know.

When I first read your post, and you said you and your husband didn't want feelings to develop, I was going to suggest that you look into other forms of consensual non monogamy rather than polyamory, like swinging, or casual sex. Polyamory feels distinct from other forms of consensual non monogamy because of the "falling in love" bit that polyamory permits and I thought you'd come to the wrong forum. But (I think) I now understand that you are planning. Is that right? You currently have these boundaries of "no falling in love" so that you can be emotionally monogamous despite sexual non monogamy. However, you're the sort who wants to consider other possibilities and you'd like to consider that his relationship with other men may progress to something more serious? If that's so, welcome to the forums. I hope you find it useful. Feel free to browse and look around. Bisexuality is relatively more common in polyamory for obvious reasons.

Finally, you mention desire and sexual relations dropping between you and your partner. Would you consider looking into some of Ester Perrel's TED talks? My wife found Ester Perrel's insight into female sexual desire, particularly when Ester Perrel contrasted desire for a mate, with security in a long term relationship, and explained how you can have one but not the other - my wife found that to be bang on target. Obviously, it doesn't explain everyone. Certainly doesn't explain me. But it might resonate with you.

Hope some of this helps,
Shaya

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Lemonade,

Wondering if your partner might someday develop feelings for someone, is probably wise. You mentioned you had jealousy in the emotional areas. Is this something you can work on? and/or work through? Sometimes jealousy helps us detect when something is wrong, but it depends on whether a particular jealous feeling is compatible with reason. Maybe it's something you can analyze and work through in that way.

It sounds like things are going well right now, that's good to hear. Keep us posted and we'll try to offer up-to-date advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. I mean all this kindly, ok?

Sexually as well as emotionally, we were each other's first and well...only relationship. We were both virgins. This is ideal for me and we are both committed to the idea of marriage in the near future

I suggest you postpone marriage until your sort things out. Go for a long engagement. Between the bi thing, the open relationship thing, the mismatched libido thing, the depression thing... there's big things to sort out first before attempting marriage.

It is rare that people stick with their first serious relationships. They usually are also the first serious break up. I'm not saying that is what will happen here... I'm saying don't get married in a rush if you have big stuff to sort first.

Use your engagement period for what the engagement period is FOR. To sort out if you are deeply compatible or not. To me a successful engagement ends in one of two ways:

• The couple finds they are indeed deeply compatible and then and only then move on to planning a wedding. To find out, you both can take a marriage prep class online, find books, or find classes at houses of worship, county extension offices, the library, etc. They help you to have the important conversations you need to be engaged in when assessing deep compatibility. It sounds like "open marriage" might be one of the things to discuss.

• The couple does all the engagement work/conversations and finds out they are not deeply compatible. They end the engagement and do NOT get married. They spare themselves the cost of marriage/divorce and the grief of being married to the wrong person.

I guess I want to hear from you guys and your experiences. Have you always pursued poly relationships or was it a gradual thing, and if a gradual thing, what changed in your thinking/perspective?

In my life? Poly was not gradual. I always knew I wanted to date more than one partner. In my late teens and 20's I was clear that I was not into exclusive relationships and I wanted to be with more than one partners.

When then BF1 (now DH) and I were thinking about engagement? It was at the end of V thing. The question of "how does open or poly fit with our marriage?" is right in there with "how do we agree to manage our money?" or "What religion will we practice?" or "Do we want kids?" and all that other stuff that you talk out during the engagement time.

We agreed Open was for before or after children. If the other partners weren't already there before the children came, we would Close for the active parenting time. No new partners during that time. Those already here, are already here. But no new people. Because the children themselves are new people that change a relationship dynamic and take up time and attention. Love might be infinite but time, money, energy, and resources are NOT infinite and I'm not a fan of spreading myself too thin or attempting more changes than I can handle at once.

What if down the line he develops emotional attachments/relationships with somebody else?

When people share sex, they sometimes do develop feelings for each other. What if he does? What do you want to do then? That's something only you can answer.

I cannot commit to the idea of sharing someone emotionally.

I am wondering this is all fine and dandy so long as he doesn't develop an emotional attachment to someone. We talked about my concerns and he assures me he doesn't want emotional attachments either and he lets people know that before he does anything. But who knows if 10 years down the line that won't change?

I understand I cannot control the future. But I can control me. What is this insecurity that I have and what can I do to be more open? And should I?

Again... Only you can answer all that.

• If you know you are FIRM about not wanting to share him emotionally? Don't share. State that you cannot share emotionally, and if it comes to pass you are both prepared to break things off. There's a plan in place.

• Or you could break things off now. And he's free TO explore his bi side including falling in love with others, and you are free FROM all of it. You get some distance. If you get back together later, you get back together later.

• Or you learn to share over time. Or at least try to -- you find out later if you actually can or cannot.

The ability to share is different than the willingness to share. Sometimes people are able to do something, but not willing. They are not up for it. What you are and are not up for is up to you. Those are soul searching questions only you can anwer.

You could assess if you are...

• FIRM: willing and able and enthusiastic! <-- does not sound like this, so I grey it out.
• willing to try, and discover you are able to share emotionally
  [*]willing to try, and discover you are not actually able to share emotionally
• able to share emotionally, but not willing to.
• FIRM: not willing and not able
  

FWIW, I don't think it is being insecure. I think it is a touch of anticipatory grief. Because if you are FIRM that you don't want to share emotionally? Then you know deep down somewhere that if it should come to pass, he will have to choose which partner to be with. And it might not be you.

If you are willing to pay the price of admission and take that chance, then you go ahead and open the relationship and go along for the ride. Figure out which one of the blue ones you are.

If you are not willing to pay the price of admission, you don't follow. You are one of the purple ones. So you could tell him to explore whatever he needs to explore, but you don't want to go along for the ride. You tell him to look you up later if he wants to try again with you. If you are both willing and able at that time? You can date again at that time.

Galagirl

 

[vinsanity0]

I agree with the others about holding off on the marriage. After all, marriage is just a piece of paper anyway.

I just want to address this one little part:

" that I am no longer the primary love interest"

Why assume that you will no longer be the primary interest? Plenty of people do the primary/secondary thing with good results. I think it is helpful to view love as an infinite well. We don't take love from one person and give it to another. The classic example is with children. We don't love our first child less when a second one comes along. It doesn't have to be any different with romantic relationships.