I just don't know if I'm being fair with my boundaries

I'm sorry you struggle. I mean this kindly, ok?

You don't sound like you are behaving poorly at either of them. Him and her can break up on their own -- it's not like YOU are making them break up.

At the same time, you and him can break up on your own. It's not like you have to put up with crap behavior from him if he behaves poorly at you.

SO WHAT if he has another partner? That gives him a pass to behave in ways you don't like in YOUR life?

Set and enforce your personal boundaries for what you will and will not put up with in your relationships.

Your personal boundaries are for YOU to set and enforce/obey. They help you keep free of shenanigans.

Nobody has to like them but you. So I think it's fine for you to have these personal boundaries:

  • "I do not want to share sex toys with other people. If he wants to use the same toy with both of us, I say "No, thanks. I prefer separate toys. She can buy the same model, but not use the same actual toy." If he pushes on this more than X times? He won't change his behavior? I drop him because he won't respect my limit."

  • "I don't want to hear TMI details about him and his other partner. I want to hear basics like sex labs, condoms, safer sex practices are being used so I can give informed consent. I say "Stop, I'm not up for this. Please respect my limit" if he tries to overshare TMI details. If he pushes on this more than X times? He won't change his behavior? I drop him because he won't respect my limit."

  • "I prefer a separate V. I prefer a hinge not leak their problems on that side of the V on to me on this side of the V. Reasonable things like calendar and ____ are ok. Oversharing about ____ or trying to make me the free therapist for their couple problems are not ok. If he pushes on this more than X times? He won't change his behavior? I drop him because he won't respect my limit."

Practicing a primary-secondary model doesn't mean good manners flies out the window.

You are still a person. You still have your own preferences and your own boundaries.

Your life is YOUR LIFE. (Your life) is NOT (their sex therapy tool) just because they have mismatched libido. That's on them to solve over there on that side of the V. Nothing to do with you. It might be the reason they opened up the relationship.

But over here in YOUR life? He's just some poly dude you started dating. Poly dudes sometimes come totally single, or sometimes come with established partners. So what? It's poly.

HE does have to make the cut for YOUR personal standards as a decent poly partner. So... does he make the cut or what? If he's a sloppy hinge in some ways, Ask him to shape it up. If he's behaving like a poor partner? Ask him to shape it up.

Does he HAVE to change anything? No. He is free to keep behaving as he does.

Do you HAVE to stick around? No. You are free to choose to be elsewhere. You can drop him because he doesn't make the cut for what you are seeking in a poly partner.

Keep your life simpler. Focus on you, your life, your side of the V and whether or not this guy is actually compatible.
 
Last edited:
"I do not want to share sex toys with other people. If he wants to use the same toy with both of us, I say "No, thanks. I prefer separate toys. She can buy the same model, but not use the same actual toy." If he pushes on this more than X times? He won't change his behavior? I drop him because he won't respect my limit."
If it's his toy then it's up to the OP to buy her own toys that are used just with her. It's not uncommon for a person to have toys they clean and use with more than one person. Condoms are often used on toys for this reason. You can't demand that someone only uses their toys on you and feel aggrieved when they won't do that. Get your own toys.

Of course the OP has now deleted so it may be that these are her toys in which case she should keep possession of them.
 
From my reading of the original post, he (her kinky partner) bought toys for OP but then his wife wanted to use them first.

I'd personally be highly unimpressed with such a turn of events. But I've seen this happen before, too, and it basically put the kybosh on the first and intended user ever enjoying using them. So I'd say it's a fair boundary to say, "if you bought it with me in mind (or if I bought it with you in mind) then we use it first or I will make arrangements for new, individual, toys."
 
Last edited:
Yes obviously this is a general comment for the sake of new readers who search this rather than to the OP. That sounds like some power struggle between the metamours. Or one metamour at least.


A common misunderstanding that occurs with poly people and toys is that a person (often the dominant party) will tell a partner that they've bought a new toy. That partner then assumes they mean they've bought a toy that will be used exclusively as a couple.

This often isn't feasible with some toys or apparatus that are expensive or bespoke. So in some cases, this assumption from a "kink perspective" is wholly unrealistic.

I generally advise people (particularly dominants) to think carefully about whether this is to be their own toy to use with consenting sexual partners or an exclusive toy for use with one or more select partners. And express that honestly.

I've known of submissive partners (both my own or others) who have realized that the only certain way to guarantee toys and apparatus are only used with you is to buy their own toys that they have to carry around and keep clean. That often prompts them to rethink how much of a boundary shared toys really is.
 
If it's his toy then it's up to the OP to buy her own toys that are used just with her. It's not uncommon for a person to have toys they clean and use with more than one person. Condoms are often used on toys for this reason. You can't demand that someone only uses their toys on you and feel aggrieved when they won't do that. Get your own toys.

Of course the OP has now deleted so it may be that these are her toys in which case she should keep possession of them.
That is what I meant. If OP bought them toy belongs to OP. If OP wants them used only on OP? Fair enough. Their toy.

If hinge bought them, the toy belongs to hinge. And if hinge wants to use them on multiple partners who are up for it? OP can say "No, thanks. I don't want to use those on me." OP can skip those toys if they want to -- even if condoms are used on the toy. They don't have to be up for it.

Because OP's body belongs to OP. So... totally fine for OP to create personal boundaries around their own body.

If they all like the same model toy? Great! Everyone buy your own then if not into sharing them. OP has one, hinge has one, meta has one. Each one keeps track of their own.
 
Hello generalpeach,

It is a perfectly reasonable boundary for you to have, to ask him not to tell you about the sex with his primary partner. It is highly disrespectful for him to tell you anyway, you need to explain to him that he is being disrespectful, also tell him what you will do the next time he tries to tell you about his sex with his primary partner. Like, you will walk away if he starts talking about that. Also he should value you for more than just having sex. And you should be special to him, there should be things he does with you that he doesn't do with his primary partner.

Tell him what your boundaries are, and stick to them.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I remember the toy issue being less about who owns it but who gets to use it first. Like, OPs wife wasn't interested in said toy until the hinge shared TMI that he was getting it to use with OP and then wife wanted first go. Hinge didn't say no, and then TMI'd at OP, again, and OP is getting a little sick of the TMI-ing and this knowing wife got first priority of new stuff.

OPs boundaries, especially around TMI, are reasonable. Hinge is not respecting her. OP should consider how long she'll let him treat her like this before she decides it's time to move on.
 
Back
Top