I love them both, I am not with the father (joah). I want to have a relationship with them both my bf and I have spoken about it because he sees that my kids want me and their dad to be back together, but I haven't spoken to Joah about it. I'm just loving them both and disappointing them both when I chose one of them to spend a kids birthday or holiday with. Idk what to do but I'm just choosing this for now and going with the flow and venting here, thank you for having this forum available!!
I love the father of my children and my BF
- Thread starter Violet77
- Start date
Hi Violet,
It sounds like you are kind of torn, between spending time with Joah, and between spending time with your boyfriend. Yes, the kids want you and their dad to be back together, but isn't there a way you can divide your time evenly between the two men? Like one time you could be with Joah, the next time you could be with your boyfriend, rinse and repeat. As long as you could do this, things would be fair. I hope you can work things out between the two men.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
It sounds like you are kind of torn, between spending time with Joah, and between spending time with your boyfriend. Yes, the kids want you and their dad to be back together, but isn't there a way you can divide your time evenly between the two men? Like one time you could be with Joah, the next time you could be with your boyfriend, rinse and repeat. As long as you could do this, things would be fair. I hope you can work things out between the two men.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Do you want to get back with your former partner/husband romantically, or just spend holidays with him for the sake of your kids? Do you love your kids' dad as a friend, or still as a partner?
I think when we split up with our kids' other parent, all we can do is our best. It's never going to be perfect. We can talk about it with the kids in a kind way, and just hope their trauma over the breakup is minimized as much as possible.
This doesn't sound like a polyamory problem, unless you really do want to be in a romantic relationship with both guys.
The kids wanting their parents to be back together... that's not a reason for the parents to get back together. It's sometimes part of their adjusting to the parents breaking up until they get use to a new way of living.
What do the parents want? Could you please be willing to clarify?
What kind of relationship do you want to have with Joah?
A coparenting one where sharing the holidays and birthdays go a little smoother? Or a romantic one where you are involved with both Joah and BF? Something else?
Galagirl
What do the parents want? Could you please be willing to clarify?
What kind of relationship do you want to have with Joah?
A coparenting one where sharing the holidays and birthdays go a little smoother? Or a romantic one where you are involved with both Joah and BF? Something else?
Galagirl
Joah and I both love each other, I want to be an a relationship with both of them. I'm not satisfied with my bf sexually and I also would like more affection. Bit I dont want to leave him and joah is really at the level of sex and affection that I like. My bf is satisfied by me but he still doesn't want me to see anyone else. Even though we talked about having an open relationship. I never told him I love joah.
Now he works at night so I barely see him, my bf, and he is on meds so he needs to sleep alot and is tired alot amd easily. I'm hurt because last night my bf chose not to sleep with me and to sleep alone and I often feel like he doesnt really care enough or on the level that I do and I dont like that feeling, its feels unfair, I want my partner to care about me as much as I do them, but he isnt used to putting much effort in to his relationships, I can tell. So he thinks he is doing alot. It hurts for him to chose to sleep at his place alone because we only have two nights every other week that I dont have me kids amd he doesnt have to work the next day, although my bed does hurt his back which is part of it. I'm getting a new one though.
I'm always coping with guilt because of childhood trauma and I feel so terrible when my kids are with their dad, I dont like being away from them but I also need the break. It would be so much less financial amd parental stressed if I was together with Joah in addition to us still loving each other still. I broke up with him but i wanted an open relationship with him and he wouldnt. Any way, thank you so much for communicating with me about this because i dont think my therapist would understand that you can love more than one person at the same time.
Now he works at night so I barely see him, my bf, and he is on meds so he needs to sleep alot and is tired alot amd easily. I'm hurt because last night my bf chose not to sleep with me and to sleep alone and I often feel like he doesnt really care enough or on the level that I do and I dont like that feeling, its feels unfair, I want my partner to care about me as much as I do them, but he isnt used to putting much effort in to his relationships, I can tell. So he thinks he is doing alot. It hurts for him to chose to sleep at his place alone because we only have two nights every other week that I dont have me kids amd he doesnt have to work the next day, although my bed does hurt his back which is part of it. I'm getting a new one though.
I'm always coping with guilt because of childhood trauma and I feel so terrible when my kids are with their dad, I dont like being away from them but I also need the break. It would be so much less financial amd parental stressed if I was together with Joah in addition to us still loving each other still. I broke up with him but i wanted an open relationship with him and he wouldnt. Any way, thank you so much for communicating with me about this because i dont think my therapist would understand that you can love more than one person at the same time.
Maybe we could have a name for the bf as well? I'll just plug in Ben.
I did some light editing for clarity. It sounds like you broke up with Joah because you wanted an open relationship, even though you still love him, he loves you, you want to coparent, and now you're stressed emotionally and financially.
It also sounds like Ben, your newish bf, doesn't put much into the relationship, is tired a lot, and doesn't want to spend the night at your house. He's also not that satisfying sexually.
Right now, as it stands, it almost seems like you'd be better off in general, living monogamously with the man you love who is the father of your children. I understand you want an open relationship, but right now, you are mono with a guy who is not very satisfying or affectionate, while a better prospect has been left behind.
You can't change how either man deals with the world and relationships. You can only change yourself. What could you change (besides your mattress)?
Thanks for more info.
So you broke up with Joah (father of the children) because you wanted open relationships and he did not. You haven't said anything to him so you don't know if he's changed his mind on that or not. (How recent was the break up?)
You have been struggling with some things.
You also struggle with innner conflict in regard to current BF
you don't want to break up with him
At the same time...
How set are you on open relationships? If that is something you really want? Then I suggest you weather out this patch and maybe be on your own more. I'm not sure how recent the break up was. You might need a time of not seeing anyone just to get steady or more on your feet.
Then move on to date people who ACTUALLY give you what you want.
You aren't getting that from BF and he's not sounding like he wants to do Open anyway.
If you are willing to give up pursuing open relationships? If Joah is willing to try again? Then I'd pick Joah since you seem more compatible with him than the BF.
In the end it is up to you what you want to do.
I don't think being in a V with both Joah and BF is in the cards if the whole reason you split from Joah in the first place is that he doesn't want to do Open. And your BF doens't sound all that into open relationships either.
Galagirl
So you broke up with Joah (father of the children) because you wanted open relationships and he did not. You haven't said anything to him so you don't know if he's changed his mind on that or not. (How recent was the break up?)
You have been struggling with some things.
- feeling guilty the children are having trauma because the parents split up?
- inner conflict when the kids are with Joah. Don't like being away from them but also could use the break.
- if you were still with Joah, there would be less parenting stress and less financial stress for you.
- You miss sex with Joah
You also struggle with innner conflict in regard to current BF
you don't want to break up with him
At the same time...
- not really satisfied with him sexually
- would like more affection
- Even though you and BF talked about open relationship, he really doesn't want you to see anyone else
- He works night so you barely see him
- He's on meds , needs to sleep a lot and tires easily.
- You don't think he's as into you and you are into him
- He isn't used to putting in much effort into his relationships
- You are bummed out when he doesn't sleepover on the nights you do not have the kids. (Until your new bed comes since your old bed hurts his back, why don't you spend the night at his place?)
How set are you on open relationships? If that is something you really want? Then I suggest you weather out this patch and maybe be on your own more. I'm not sure how recent the break up was. You might need a time of not seeing anyone just to get steady or more on your feet.
Then move on to date people who ACTUALLY give you what you want.
You aren't getting that from BF and he's not sounding like he wants to do Open anyway.
If you are willing to give up pursuing open relationships? If Joah is willing to try again? Then I'd pick Joah since you seem more compatible with him than the BF.
In the end it is up to you what you want to do.
I don't think being in a V with both Joah and BF is in the cards if the whole reason you split from Joah in the first place is that he doesn't want to do Open. And your BF doens't sound all that into open relationships either.
Galagirl