"I love you" and secondaries

Natja

New member
I can see where he was coming from, though. When many (most, even) people say it, they do expect it to be returned.

If I ever told someone I loved them and I didn't expect it back, I would explicitly say that in my delivery. "I don't expect you to return this unless you really really mean it, and I won't be hurt or offended if you don't. But I just want you to know, I love you."

Like I said, I was naive, having been through that pressure (i.e. prompting) myself, I hated it and have never done that to anyone.
There was a lot of dishonesty in that relationship though so the love thing was just the icing on the cake.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Awwww... last night I said "I love you" to Ginger and for the first time (in a year), he said, "I love you too" back to me! It felt so good. He has told me he's a person who only says it when he's really feeling it and not just casually in return, so I guess I caught him at a good lovey moment.
 

Aquarius

New member
Similarly, it takes like 1.6 seconds to say. Maybe you think it's overused, maybe you don't want to say it just to say it... but if there's someone in your life who will appreciate it, why make a big stink about it? It costs you virtually nothing and can bring a smile to someone's face. So if you think showing it is enough, and someone who matters says it isn't, then just say it and shut up about it. I think it's dumb to go so far as refusing to say it because of some social analysis, to the point where you're hurting your loved ones with your obstinance.
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Wise words I think!
 

EnderSavesAll

New member
I was a non-primary and my partner and I said I love you quite a lot. Unfortunately we did not last but we were not afraid of the words. Well she was the very first time. I knew she wanted to but it took her about 6 hours for her to say it. It was cute. It took about a month into the relationship. We only lasted 4 :(

I miss her.
 

BreatheDeeply

New member
Wow not sure how I love you can be over used.

I know that it def can be 'under' used.

I say love you to my boys, my hubby my friends often. If I feel it I'll say it. I agree actions are important too. Without the actions the words are pointless. But without the words..... Would be a sad place.

I think people get scared with the phrase and what responsibilities ( read baggage) comes with it. Then don't say it. Love and all it's stuff can be heady,sweaty hot, cold,painful and ecstatic ! And sometimes at the same time. I love saying I love you to the ones I love. But please don't feel you have to say it back. Tell me when you want to, spontaneously when you feel it. Or don't . Your choice.

I say "I love you" as much as I wish, and anymore then that would render it a lesser phrase. This is how it feels to me, I cannot speak to other people's points of view. Everyone is going to have their own comfort level here, and unless the phrase is completely absent from one party, I can't see why someone would make any deal about this at all. Does anyone really think there is some optimum number of "I love you"s to satisfy a personal quota? Yuck.
 

AnnabelMore

Active member
Just to toss it out there, for my gf and me, it went pretty much exactly the same as it might in a mono relationship. We were friends with benefits, then we were dating, and then at about month six we both said it, and now we say it whenever we feel like it. It was really adorable, actually, the way it happened. She called and left a message. I didn't listen to the message, just called her back, and we talked. At the end of our talk, I said "I love you" for the first time. She sort of laughed, and when I listened to the message afterwards, I realized why -- she'd said "I love you" for the first time in the message. So, neither of us really said it "first". Kind of amazing. :)
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
I say "I love you" as much as I wish, and anymore then that would render it a lesser phrase. This is how it feels to me, I cannot speak to other people's points of view. Everyone is going to have their own comfort level here, and unless the phrase is completely absent from one party, I can't see why someone would make any deal about this at all. Does anyone really think there is some optimum number of "I love you"s to satisfy a personal quota? Yuck.

I would add "only says `I love you too`" to completely absent. It's nice when someone says it first.
 

Aquarius

New member
I say "I love you" as much as I wish, and anymore then that would render it a lesser phrase. This is how it feels to me, I cannot speak to other people's points of view. Everyone is going to have their own comfort level here, and unless the phrase is completely absent from one party, I can't see why someone would make any deal about this at all. Does anyone really think there is some optimum number of "I love you"s to satisfy a personal quota? Yuck.

Agreed say what you feel. What comfort would you get anyway if it was forced and not from the heart????
 
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