I need advice :( feel like im going crazy

A

arigarza

New member
Long story short.

A year ago my husband encouraged me to find a "girl" online so that i could meet her and explore, of course the idea was for me to explore first and then we could all explore together.

Before this i didn't know i was bisexual, when I was a teenager a lot of people thought i was a lesbian but i always denied it and ended up falling in love with my husband and getting married but as I started "chatting" with girls i discovered that my interest was deeper than what i had admitted to, and realized i was attracted to females as equally or even more than to males.. how i had never discovered this about myself still escapes me to this point.

But then the inevitable happened, i met "the girl" as soon as i started talking to her, it all clicked, when i met her in person, it clicked even further, and i started having feelings for her since day one, and it was mutual.

My husband has always been the jealous type, but i had never really given him a reason to be jealous of me, when i tried talking to him about my feelings for her, he started freaking out, yelling at me but i can see how much pain this causes him, he's scared of losing me, he's scared of pursuing this for the sake of our family (we have 2 children, been married for 5 years, but dating for 10) and i feel so guilty it kills me, but at the same time, i have discovered this other side of me that i do not want to let go off because i cannot imagine my life without her either (we've been dating on and off since we met, because we've always tried to fight for our relationship to work with my husband)

She has a husband and 2 kids herself, her husband is totally ok with the idea of her having a girlfriend because he has always known that side of her (being bisexual, wanting other relationship etc) but how do i work this out with my husband without causing him so much pain? im so scared for him and for me too, im terrified to tell him that i have deep feelings for her, but at the same time, if i let go of her i will regret it all my life...

How can I make him understand that i do not want to ever leave him? that me and her have talked about it and her first priority is her husband as well? i love him with all my heart but i feel like I need to have a relationship with a woman too because it satisfies this other side of me i didn't even know existed until i met her...

im at my wits end because i do not want her to be an affair, and she doesn't want that either and we don't know what to do anymore, i don't want to hurt my husband, but he needs to know the truth :( any advice?
 
Just throwing this out there...

any chance her husband would be able to have a conversation with your husband? That might help quell his fears about your running off with her.

Evie
 
any chance

I've thought about this and the thing is that there is a slight language barrier, me and my husband are hispanic, and although my english is great his is not that good, and my "gf" and her husband are 100% anglo. so on occasions when we've gotten together to hang out as "friends" communication between them and my husband has been quite choppy, I keep telling my husband to find someone he can talk to, but he is so against the overall idea that i don't see him ever taking an initiative to understand me... but then if i try to explain i feel like im killing a part of him...
 
other stuff

He has nightmares about this.. he dreams I leave him for someone else, he fears his anger is so great he ends up hurting me, he says he cannot control his jealousy and that it brings out a very bad side of him, he says he cannot control the anger he feels when he imagines me sharing moments with someone else that should be his.. I don't know what to do about all this.
 
I have been in your husbands shoes. It took me awhile to figure it all out.. there was jealousy, anger, insecurities, and a few others I had to battle. I gave my wife the go ahead as I could not deny her what she needed. After a couple long months and research, reading sites like morethantwo.com it has all come together. We now take trips togther. The girlfriemd stays the night in the other room of course. She is my wifes girl not mine. It also awoken something inside of me at the same time that I had been hiding and scared to addmit to. I needed extra also. Wife and I have now discusse that and I went on a date the other night that brought me and my wife closer than anything has ever done

I still have or get jealous once in awhile but its nothing bad at all in fact I would say it is more healthy. We just always talk and reafirm we are our forever partner and we just needed the extra love and attention to get away from our stressful lives. I am very happy for her now to be able to have that other person there for her when I cant. It took a lot of hard work and long talks.
 
I may be stereotyping your husband but I imagine that since he is Latino he is very wrapped up in his role as a masculine head of the household and very traditional. Is this true? I also imagine that he was okay with it at the beginning because he felt he was going to get a threesome out of it. Now that he sees that you two have feelings for each other the possibility of that is very slim to none. So now he has nothing to gain from it and he is feeling very emasculated because he never imagined he would have to compete with another woman. Even if you two feel that there is no competition I assure you he feels differently.
 
In my experience, NRE can actually benefit and reinforce existing relationships.

When my wife or I have been wrapped up in the emotions of being with someone new and great, we take that emotion and reroute it to each other when we see each other again. It always had a renewing effect between us, and quelled insecurities for the most part.

How can you show him you won't leave him? Reroute some of that NRE into showering him with affection and expressions of your love. That is very important, especially if you two have just started the journey, or are entering new and unexplored territory. As soon as you get home from seeing her, give him everything you've got.

Understand that it was through his willingness for you to explore that you were able to meet her, and give affection accordingly. Whether it was because he wanted a threesome or whatever, doesn't matter. ;)

By the way, the whole groupsex thing is great sometimes... After a while it isn't such a big deal, and the participants stop obsessing over it once the fantasy has been thoroughly fulfilled... In my experience anyway.
 
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He encouraged you to go online and find a "girl" :rolleyes: to "meet and explore," with the idea that she will eventually have sex with both you and him (does your girlfriend know this?) - but then he gets mad and upset when you meet someone? Ugh, well, what did he expect - that's what he wanted! How do you say "hypocrite" in Spanish? Is he mad really just because he wants her too, and she's not interested, or feels like you shouldn't have sex without him there?
 
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Lots of open communication.

I haven't got to your stage but my husband suddenly went through an anxious stage a few weeks back and that is what got us through
 
Hi arigarza,

It seems to me that your husband has a trust issue. Otherwise you could just tell him, "I don't want to leave you," and he would believe you. There are probably deeper issues at the root of this and a poly-friendly counselor might be able to help you tease them out.

Re (from arigarza):
"He fears his anger is so great he ends up hurting me, he says he cannot control his jealousy and that it brings out a very bad side of him, he says he cannot control the anger he feels when he imagines me sharing moments with someone else that should be his ..."
Click to expand...

This concerns me greatly. It hints at physical violence.
 
yes, about the trust issues

kdt26417 said:
Hi arigarza,

It seems to me that your husband has a trust issue. Otherwise you could just tell him, "I don't want to leave you," and he would believe you. There are probably deeper issues at the root of this and a poly-friendly counselor might be able to help you tease them out.

Re (from arigarza):


This concerns me greatly. It hints at physical violence.
Click to expand...

yes, he does has many trust issues, he says he doesn't feel me "secure" , he went through previous relationships in which the girls would cheat on him shamelessly, he was humiliated multiple times and he says that a lot to what he feels when i talk about her, talk to her etc, mimics the feeling he would get in the past, i try to tell him that that's not me, but he says he cannot control these feelings. Im beyond concerned about the physical violence too, and there has already been verbal violence... so at this point i have seriously considered a poly-friendly counselor but have no idea on where i can find one! :/ i do really love him with all my heart and i tell him that if it wasn't for that mere fact, i would have walked away already... but i do care beyond words for him. any idea on where i can find an advisor?? thanks for the feedback!
 
graviton said:
I may be stereotyping your husband but I imagine that since he is Latino he is very wrapped up in his role as a masculine head of the household and very traditional. Is this true? I also imagine that he was okay with it at the beginning because he felt he was going to get a threesome out of it. Now that he sees that you two have feelings for each other the possibility of that is very slim to none. So now he has nothing to gain from it and he is feeling very emasculated because he never imagined he would have to compete with another woman. Even if you two feel that there is no competition I assure you he feels differently.
Click to expand...

Yes, YEs, and more yes... in his mind he kinda owns me... so if i want to go out with her or even with some other friends, i have to ask for his "permission" to do so.. and i never really saw it that way until we came across this situation, i realized i have always have to ask if something is OK with him before i do anything, which is not necessarily all wrong because we ARE married after all but how much possessiveness is too much? i want to be able to love him and be free at the same time. And YES in the beginning he was all for the idea of the threesome and that was his ultimate goal, but i try to explain to him that right now what's at stake is more than just a sexual adventure, but emotions of not just us but of the people we have chosen to involve in our lives. i keep trying to explain that in no way is this a competition, i love her for what she is and i will always love him for what HE is .. i just wish he could understand but how do you re-wire someone's ideals on love, marriage and relationships... thanks for your feedback!
 
whats NRE?

ElkSun said:
In my experience, NRE can actually benefit and reinforce existing relationships.

When my wife or I have been wrapped up in the emotions of being with someone new and great, we take that emotion and reroute it to each other when we see each other again. It always had a renewing effect between us, and quelled insecurities for the most part.

How can you show him you won't leave him? Reroute some of that NRE into showering him with affection and expressions of your love. That is very important, especially if you two have just started the journey, or are entering new and unexplored territory. As soon as you get home from seeing her, give him everything you've got.

Understand that it was through his willingness for you to explore that you were able to meet her, and give affection accordingly. Whether it was because he wanted a threesome or whatever, doesn't matter. ;)

By the way, the whole groupsex thing is great sometimes... After a while it isn't such a big deal, and the participants stop obsessing over it once the fantasy has been thoroughly fulfilled... In my experience anyway.
Click to expand...

HI! thanks for the feedback, what's NRE? :) and all you say makes a lot of sense and actually, without me having that purpose per se, after all this experience, we have been trying to be even more loving to each other and he says that he feels better about everything when we are together but then when i'm away its very hard for him to deal with his emotions because he gets inside his head a lot, i tell him to talk to me about it so that i can understand him and help him get past his insecurities and fears.. i just hope im doing the right thing most of the times.
 
kinda

nycindie said:
He encouraged you to go online and find a "girl" :rolleyes: to "meet and explore," with the idea that she will eventually have sex with both you and him (does your girlfriend know this?) - but then he gets mad and upset when you meet someone? Ugh, well, what did he expect - that's what he wanted! How do you say "hypocrite" in Spanish? Is he mad really just because he wants her too, and she's not interested, or feels like you shouldn't have sex without him there?
Click to expand...

Well, not so blatantly put but of course one of his main goals was to have a threesome at some point, but i always told him that i also wanted to explore on my own because i was not just gonna get someone into my bed without having absolutely no idea of what i was getting myself into.. does that make sense? and yes, she knows why i went online and it was kinda around the same thing her and her husband were looking for... and yes then he got mad and upset when i met someone like her, and Yes he feels like i shouldn't have sex with her if he's not involved in some shape or form... and when i try to explain that this is more than just sex we're talking about it gets even more complicated because he seems to be able to process sex better than emotions.
 
arigarza said:
HI! thanks for the feedback, what's NRE? :) and all you say makes a lot of sense and actually, without me having that purpose per se, after all this experience, we have been trying to be even more loving to each other and he says that he feels better about everything when we are together but then when i'm away its very hard for him to deal with his emotions because he gets inside his head a lot, i tell him to talk to me about it so that i can understand him and help him get past his insecurities and fears.. i just hope im doing the right thing most of the times.
Click to expand...

NRE = new relationship energy

Just keep working with him on it as long as you can handle it. It takes some folks a little longer than others to finally quell their insecurities. Learning to control/direct ones emotions can be challenging. I hope he eventually gains some very strong faith in your relationship.
 
arigarza said:
Yes, YEs, and more yes... in his mind he kinda owns me... so if i want to go out with her or even with some other friends, i have to ask for his "permission" to do so.. and i never really saw it that way until we came across this situation, i realized i have always have to ask if something is OK with him before i do anything, which is not necessarily all wrong because we ARE married after all but how much possessiveness is too much?
Click to expand...
Honestly this squirks me out the most of things on this thread. You have to ask permission to be out of his possession? For me, that would be a crazy red flag (YMMV). I'm married but neither my husband nor I ask permission for things (hell even getting in other relationships). We just let each other know where things are going or if we aren't going to be home to make sure there aren't already plans and/or someone is on a messy list.
 
Hi arigarza,

Here are some resources that may help in looking for a poly-friendly therapist:

If you can even just find a counselor who's open to the idea of poly, even if they're lacking in knowledge, you could ask them to read, "What Psychology Professionals Should Know about Polyamory," a book by Geri Weitzman, Ph.D., Joy Davidson, Ph.D., and Robert A. Phillips, Jr., Ph.D.

Hopefully that helps?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
arigarza said:
..... he says he cannot control these feelings*. Im beyond concerned about the physical violence* too, and there has already been verbal violence*...
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***Three more red flags***

.....in addition to the possessiveness that CattivaGattina has pointed out and that you say is a natural part of being married.
 
when i tried talking to him about my feelings for her, he started freaking out, yelling at me
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Could stop talking about her and how you feel about her and trying to "explain" things to him. He does not want to hear it. That would be step 1.

Accept that he just wanted casual sex. He's not into more than that. You seem to think that only if you "explained it right" he would understand and stop acting out at you.

I think he is choosing to act out. He doesn't have to understand anything to choose to behave without tantrums or threats. But he chooses to act out instead -- because if he roars then you fold and stop doing the things he does not like.

That's not a healthy dynamic.

He has nightmares about this.. he dreams I leave him for someone else, he fears his anger is so great he ends up hurting me, he says he cannot control his jealousy and that it brings out a very bad side of him, he says he cannot control the anger he feels when he imagines me sharing moments with someone else that should be his.. I don't know what to do about all this.
Click to expand...

he says he cannot control these feelings. Im beyond concerned about the physical violence too, and there has already been verbal violence
Click to expand...

Feelings just happen. Some are fun. Some are not. They all pass.

He CAN control how he chooses to BEHAVE after having some feelings. Feelings are not the boss of him. HE is the boss of him. And he's saying he will not exercise self control? If he thinks stuff that lead to him feeling angry he will then choose to hurt you? He will use you for a punching bag if he ever feels yucky?

To me that sounds like a threat. You could accept that that he's threatening you. That might be uncomfortable to think about. That you love someone and they are saying they will do less than loving behavior toward you.

I suggest you see a counselor and sort out next steps.

I am concerned for your well being. :(

He does not sound like he sees relationships as participatory. He seems to views relationships as possessive. You are his possession. It was ok if his toy was going out to find him more toys in bed. He benefits from that.

It is NOT ok for you to be a person, involved with another person. When the casual sex benefits for HIM are nil and he views him losing a resource (your time belongs to him, you belong to him, your love belongs to him) then he's not down with that.

It doesn't matter that he is not being rational or reasonable about it or that his beliefs are messed up.

You are in a precarious position. Tread with caution.

www.speakoutloud.net may or may not be helpful. Call local women's shelter and ask for help with a a counselor referral. They've seen and heard it all.

i have to ask for his "permission" to do so.. and i never really saw it that way until we came across this situation, i realized i have always have to ask if something is OK with him before i do anything, which is not necessarily all wrong because we ARE married after all but how much possessiveness is too much?
Click to expand...

I think possessiveness is not ok. Zero.

It is one thing to check in to get things on the family calendar and negotiate kid babysitting so each parent can take turns going out. That is taking care of home responsibilities.

To get all possessive is not cool. You cannot go out unless he says so is a whole other thing. My spouse is not my warden. Yours could not be your warden.

I urge you to seek counseling and help with this. It sounds like a domestic violence thing brewing. :(

Galagirl
 
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When people are concerned about physical violence, the first thing I would recommend is a safety plan.

Basically it involves knowing who in your life you could stay with, who wouldn't tell your husband. Where your most important documents are (IDs, bank information, etc). When you could leave that he wouldn't know. Having a burner phone, changing all passwords to things, having your own money, anything that you can think of that you absolutely need.

Once that's all in place, you can know if you want to engage and work things out with him, and if you do, engage from a grounded place of choice.

Here's a link for how to make a safety plan:

http://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/

That's a hotline for folks who can talk with you.

They can also help if you're an immigrant (even if undocumented (not trying to assume)):

http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-and-immigrants/

You can online chat if you want. Maybe you want to delete your browser history afterwards?
 
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