I need advice, please

S

Stephnext

New member
I have been in a relationship with my partner for a bit over 3 years and I don’t know how to tell him I can’t do this anymore. He likes to watch me while being intimate with someone else, but I never wanted to do it. He knew this, and he kept pushing and threatening with offing himself, and still does, so that I sleep with other men. And he just keeps pushing and pushing to take thing to another level by adding more people and into an arcade of a sex store. It’s been killing on the inside for so long and he knows this. I can’t remember how many times I’ve broken down in front of him, and he makes himself into the victim and I end up consoling him. I can’t keep doing this. I’m losing my mind and myself. He’s gotten me drunk and other things, in order to numb me, so I wouldn’t break down in front of the other men.

I respect your lifestyle and the bond you have with your partners, but it’s not for me, and I need help in what to do.
 
This is not polyamory. This is (sexual) abuse. Go to your doctor or ER and tell them that you are being abused.

"Our lifestyle" of polyamory includes the joyful informed consent of all involved. And it involves love, not even necessarily this kind of kink (watching a partner have sex with others). You do not consent. You are being coerced and abused. Please seek help.
 
Obviously, you are being abused. Get help immediately. Do not discuss with him, do it at a time when he isn't around, do not tell him or anyone else who might tell him where you are going.

Seriously, run.
 
I'm very sorry this is happening.
What do you think would happen if you say no and stand your ground?
Can you imagine not consoling him when he plays victim - just letting him be unhappy?
Do you think he would break up with you? Are you afraid of any violence?
Is your relationship otherwise good?
 
Hello Stephnext,

Your partner is holding himself hostage, in order to force you into doing things you don't want to do. He's figured out how to make you feel like it's your fault if he kills himself. The reality is that it would be his fault, but I know that doesn't make you feel any better. Here's a story that may help you put this in perspective.

I think you said it well enough yourself. Just say to him, "I can't do this anymore." It's not what you say that's hard about this, it's that he's got you living in fear. You are afraid to say anything to him. You must be brave, courage doesn't mean you're not afraid, it just means that you take action in spite of your fear. Tell him you are done being a usable object. If that means breaking up with him, so be it. Take back your life and your freedom.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
This is unhealthy at so many levels. Do you have somewhere you can go to get help? At this point you need therapy.

I am not a therapist and cannot make a diagnosis, but here is a quote you can Google:

“People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they're not given the special favors or admiration that they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships troubled and unfulfilling, and other people may not enjoy being around them.
Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder centers around talk therapy, also called psychotherapy.”

I cannot help but think the original post is fake. Read what I wrote above again. Hey, truth is stranger than fiction, and this was too nicely set up. Particularly the last line. As if you cannot talk to friends but instead go online to an organized poly site? So my response above was in the infinitesimally small likelihood it is real, i.e., a low probability but high impact event. And in the high likelihood it is fake, shame on you.
 
I'm sorry you are being hurt this way. This is sexual abuse and emotional abuse. It is not a healthy relationship.

You don't have to say where you are, but in case you need a hotline. They may be able to point you to other local resources.

List of domestic violence hotlines - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org en.wikipedia.org

You can also tell your doctor or check into ER.

Be careful in case he's put spyware on your things.

I hope you get away from him.

Galagirl
 
Stephnext said:
I need help in what to do.
Click to expand...
I’m so glad you came here, because while your issues have nothing to do with polyamory, we are a community dedicated to healthy relationships in whatever form they may come in and we value honesty, respect, and consent above all.

Your partner is not acting with integrity in their dealings with you. You have not given your consent to live this way and that’s as much as we need to hear.

Never believe anyone who tells you they love you and yet acts as if you don’t matter. Words and actions need to align or there can be no trust. Believe the people in this forum and run from this situation as fast as you can.
 
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