i need help

Thank you for clarifying.

for those of you asking yes my wife is bi polar and on medication. I'm gonna talk to her this weekend about it when i'm home from work and see if we can resolve the issues we've had.
Click to expand...

Polyamory is challenging all on its own without adding bipolar issues to it. If you stay together, I hope you each strive to bring out the best in each other. Not the worst. I hope you both strive to exercise self control when angry. Tearing each other down is not the way to go.

If she's not been keeping up with her management things (meds/therapies), then I hope that she gets more on the ball with that and things get to a more manageable place for both.

Do seek a marriage counselor if you need help having the conversation.

i still think there is a chance to save our marriage and i'm gonna go for it. if i feel we make no progress then i think its best for all involved that her and i divorce. i work too hard for her to treat me that way. i'm not without flaws but it would still be nice to be talked to in a calm and decent manner.
Click to expand...

Sounds like you have a plan then. Make sure you articulate what "enough progress" is to you. Define how it is measured. With counselor help if necessary.

If you are already at quota for bipolar WHOOSH, and are plain burned out? Accept limit reached. You cannot be the endless fountain of patience and tolerance... esp if it's taking a toll on your own well being. You also have to take care of you and your son.

Taking meds and attending appointments for x months is measurable. Maybe your boundary is "I do not hang out with 'unmanaged, not trying' type people ." Whether at all or for longer than X months. Define the time frame.

If she's gone into unmanaged space past your time frame, you bow out. With regrets, but could bow out all the same. Stick to your time frame. Could not let your soft feelings for someone tempt you to keep ON participating in unhealthy things for you.

Everyone is responsible for their own stuff. If she's not taking care of her stuff? And it is turning her into an unpleasant person to be around? You cannot make her do her stuff, but you can remove you from the line of fire. You have to be taking care of your stuff.

I hope for your sake it works out, but I am glad that you are prepared to leave if it's just "same ol' song, different day."

I think something has to change in your approach before your well being can have a chance to improve.

GL!
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
tenK said:
Were I in your wife's shoes I think I'd be filing for divorce. Your nasty comment showed a complete lack of empathy. I'm not saying her comment was any nicer, but there you have it. I don't waste my time in relationships where mind games and tit-for-tat behaviours are prevalent. I especially don't waste my time in relationships with people whose only response to being hurt is to do something hurtful in return. Whilst I agree she needs to sort her behaviour out, you also need to take a long hard look at what kind of person and partner you are. I think more than an apology on both sides is in order here.
Click to expand...

Some of this rings true to me. Girlfriend and I broke up in Nov, because we are both guilty of this.
 
I understand how you feel. Nate would not continue a relationship with me if I got pregnant. He's done having kids and as a mother of 4 I am too. I guess in your situation it's different because both you and your wife want more, but you don't want to raise another man's baby.

As good as it feels to hit below the belt in the heat of the moment, words do leave a long lasting emotional impact. That's something to think about when those devestating words are on the tip of your tongue.
 
Hi Cygnus,

I'm confused about your situation, you say your wife won't see you unless her boyfriend is around. But don't you and your wife live together? perhaps even sleep in the same bed? Surely she has to see you at least in passing, how could she avoid it?

Having said that, it seems to me that it is time to look for a poly-friendly marriage counselor, and ask your wife if she'd go to counseling with you. Heck, go to counseling even if she won't go with you. The counselor could still give you advice that you could use in your marriage.

Re (from Post #7):
"Is there any suggestions on how to be I dunno more romantic?"
Click to expand...

This is going to sound like it's coming from left field, but as Journeyofawakening mentioned, I think you should get the book, "The Five Love Languages: how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate," by Gary Chapman.

Chapman is a mainstream Christian minister (He is the senior associate pastor at Calvary Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, North Carolina), and his writings do reflect some traditional values (e.g. monogamy). However, he doesn't go overboard with that, and overall I still recommend his book.

The languages he identifies are:

  • Words of Affirmation,
  • Quality Time,
  • Receiving Gifts,
  • Acts of Service,
  • Physical Touch.
It should be noted, "Physical Touch" covers much more than just sexual touch. A hug, a pat on the back, a squeeze of the hand, these are all examples of that language as well.

At the end of that book is a test you can take to find out what your love language is. Ask your wife to take the test too. Once you know what her love language is, then you'll have a better idea of what kinds of romantic gestures would mean the most to her.

Maybe that sounds like a little thing, but who knows, it could turn out to be a big thing.

With regards,
Kevin T.
 
Cygnus said:
as for the growing up thing trust me ive been handling this in as calm a manner as possible. i grew up and made a life she still clings to her same ideals we had when we were teens. i think thats a part of the problem is that i grew up because of the military and she remained the same.
Click to expand...

Most people think they are mature and acting like an adult, but if you go back through and re-read your original post I hope you will find plenty of evidence that neither of you are acting like caring, emotionally stable adults. People who are emotionally stable generally seek out emotionally stable associations; what you have described is just... bonkers. I'm serious, I laughed the first time I read it because I thought surely it was too bizarre to be real. Once I realized that you weren't kidding I became very concerned.

My advice is that you and this person part ways, unhitch your legal and financial encumbrance, and you seek individual therapy. I wish you all of the luck in the world, and I hope that you get yourself into a more stable situation and learn to respect yourself and others.
 
Thanks everyone for all your advice. My wife and I are working things out and communicating our needs more effectively. As far as the issue of having her b around we will be getting the space we need to reconnect.

It's gonna take a lot of work but we will get back to where we were and improve upon it.

I'm working on being more affectionate even tho it's not my norm I'm going to make an effort to do more physical contact and reassurance within our relationship.

If there is any more advice I would love to hear it.

My wife and I have read the love language book before we were married her family required that we read it before we got married but I think we need to go back to our roots and regroups ourselves.
 
Also kdt my wife and I do live together but her by recently moved In with us. As I said before I work far from home and only home during the weekends and sometimes I'm gone longer than a week and gone up to months on end. My work is very unpredictable. And has put a damper on our relationship.
 
I see. Will that be changing anytime soon, do you have a contract of (x) number of years you must serve before they'll release you? How do you feel about the boyfriend living at your house?

Yeah I would re-read the book (together), and (both of you) take (re-take if you took it before) the test at the end as well.

So, would you say things are looking up a bit?
 
It may just be me but I would leave her butt real fast. No matter what kind of relationships my wife and I got into, our marriage and each other always came first because we loved each other above all others. We did end up in a 40 year poly triad but it was with a women we both loved and enjoyed sexually. She knew she was our secondary and always respected that without us having onc single problem with her in all that time. If my wife even told me she wanted to have a lover outside of our marriage, that would be the end of our marriage if she insisted.

Our third got married but I was her primary lover. He husband foolishly became her financial provider because she occasionally had sex with him. She thought he was a fool as did we. Do not be that guy. I would never in any kind of Universe support a woman who was not my primary lover. She sounds like she is stepping all over you and may be looking for you to divorce her in stages.

Good luck. Stuff like this shows me how lucky we were. We saw the marriages of our poly friends end badly due to the kind of complications you have and we swore that we would not do it like they did. I guess we were right.
 
Len51 the boards in house poster child for couple centric misogynistic forms of polyamory.

Op despite what he spouts off as gospel... There are many of us out here who have successful, loving, stable, drama free long term relationships in other configurations.
 
Last edited:
Re:
"Len51 the board's in-house poster child for couple centric misogynistic forms of polyamory."
Click to expand...

LOLOL ... hey, every forum should have one.
 
Dagferi said:
Len51 the boards in house poster child for couple centric misogynistic forms of polyamory.

Op despite what he spouts off as gospel... There are many of us out here who have successful, loving, stable, drama free long term relationships in other configurations.
Click to expand...

you have to admit, its charming that all he has to do is copy and paste the same response for EVERY problem.
 
kdt26417 said:
Re:


LOLOL ... hey, every forum should have one.
Click to expand...

Actually, they do, and as far as I can tell they're all him - he's on a couple of the poly forums on Fetlife too, with the same copypasta...

W0Vzwd8Dw5AoE.gif
 
Mmmmm ... nice, tasty copypasta.
 
As far as changes to my career no. I will most likely be in the military until I retire. Been doing a lot of thinking and I still feel like I'm left out in our relationship. Her and her bf seem so much closer to together than her and I have ever been. I get my wife and I never really shared any hobbies that were a common interest but still it's kinda frustrating at times. Do other poly couple stun into this kinda problem? Sorry I know I'm new to this forum and here I am asking for so much advice it feels weird I don't do this kinda thing but here I am asking for help lol.

As far as the copy pasta to all problems that's not really helpful just as a side note ya know.
 
Sam and I watch horror films together, Nate and I watch sci-fi and marvel. Sam and I do outdoorsy stuff, nate and I go to conventions. Sam and I go to an ongoing monthly play (Buffy), Nate and I go to artwork and drink and draw. I just try to find something I like to do with both, even if it's not something I'm super into, I enjoy the time I spend with each and creating new memories.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top