I need someone to talk with...

I

Ineedtotalk

New member
Quick bio: I'm a 39 year old man, who live with my fantastic girlfriend. I'm monogame, while she is polyamourous, and this hasn't been a problem at all really. Then, this fall I had a lot of trouble at work, I've been on sick leave since August 1st, I had money trouble as my work didn't pay the sick leave money when they should, and unfortunately this lead to me not being able to find energy for sex.

My girlfriend has understood that I didn't even know what poly is before meeting her, and she has abstained from having other partners while living with me. Well, we've added a girl, or a guy once in a while, but it's something we haven't done in years now.

As I sunk into depression, we stopped having sex, and then a couple of weeks ago, she asked if she could have sex with one of her friends - just sex, no feelings - as she put it. After a bit of hard thinking on my part, seeing how much she's sacrified due to me, I agreed. I wasn't super happy, but I understood how important this was to her.

She offered to let me meet the guy before they did anything, and I told her that I didn't want to. She offered me to join in, but from what I understood that would've been only partly what she wanted. I also warned her that he might have feelings, but she didn't think he had any.

In hindsight, I understand that I should've met the guy, and gotten to know him a bit before they did anything.

Anyway, they had sex a couple of days before Christmas. I don't mind, really, as she had asked me even before asking him, and I had agreed to it. When she came home, I asked if we could have sex as weell, and we did. Sort of...

I, strangely, got very turned on by the fact that she had just had sex with another guy, and I was so aroused I didn't notice that she wasn't ready for me. That was a painful experience for her, and I'm really ashamed, as I am not that kind of guy. I want to give more than I recieve, but that night... the beast got the upper hand.

We've spoken about this, she has accepted my appology, and we've had wonderful sex after.

The problem now is the other guy. It turns out he's had feelings for her for months, and he thinks that we're about to break up because of him. We are not, and to me it seems that me letting her do this, made our bond stronger.

As a monogame guy, with no experience with polyamory, I'm confused, and I need someone to talk to. Either someone who's been in my situation, or someone who's been in her situation.
 
Hi - and welcome. :)

Polymaory means that feelings are not only involved, but welcomed. Having sex openly where feelings are discouraged is called swinging. The two aren't cut and dried (feelings vs. no feelings) but poly is definitely about simultaneous multiple amorous relationships. Many people say that communication is the foundation of successful poly, but in my experience, self reflection and maturity are the cornerstones, out of which helpful communication flows. So I'd say that your first order of business would be for you to decide if poly is for you - not just OK that your GF is sexual with others, but allowing your heart to expand into knowing that she will have affection for others as well as for you.
 
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Welcome!

Yup. I agree that YOU could have to determine if YOU are happy in a polyamorous arrangement . What are each of your "toggles?"

  • Love share: ______ you (monoamorous or polyamorous?)
  • Sex share: ____ you (monosexual or polysexual?)
  • Relationship shape: ____ you (monogamous or open model of some kind?)

What are her "toggles" set on?
  • Love share: ______ her (monoamorous or polyamorous?)
  • Sex share: ____ her (monosexual or polysexual?)
  • Relationship shape: ____ her (monogamous or open model of some kind?)

Could get clear on that.

The problem now is the other guy. It turns out he's had feelings for her for months, and he thinks that we're about to break up because of him.
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How are his erroneous thoughts a problem for you? Are they leading him to do behavior towards you that you do not want? You could ask him to stop that behavior.

You are not responsible for his emotional management, only your own. If he's upset with her for leading him on, he could sort that out with her rather than act out at you.

As a monogame guy, with no experience with polyamory, I'm confused, and I need someone to talk to. Either someone who's been in my situation, or someone who's been in her situation.
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What are you confused about? I do not see where you articulate that clearly. Are you feeling any of these kinds of poly hell feelings after their sex share?

Right now I am hearing this arrangement is a polysexual one, not a polyamorous one.

Your GF could have to come to terms with this:

she asked if she could have sex with one of her friends - just sex, no feelings - as she put it.
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Because while SHE may have no feelings for the potential sex partner, they might have feelings for her.

She could make it clear that she's looking for only sex share. She is up for polysexual -- sex share with more than 1 partner. Not group sex necessarily, just concurrent lovers. She is not up for love share. She could practice safer sex to maintain her own and her other lovers' health.

Otherwise if she is NOT being clear, she could be leading the potential on, and that is not kind.

I would expect the potential to have the sense to say "No, thank you" if they are after "feelings too" and her offer is not appealing. They could own it if they made a poor choice by signing up for something that does not suit them, really.

Same for you. If you gave your goodwill and have discovered her skills are wonky and it just leads to headache for you? You can withdraw it and not give it any more. Give clear communication and let her make her next choices from there.

At this time though? The problems now post-sex share with the (guy and your GF) -- that's her job to sort out with him. Not really your job if nobody is spilling over on to you and doing behaviors to you that you object to. Is GF or guy doing behaviors to you that you do not like?

You might want to articulate clear boundaries with you GF about that -- who "owns" what responsibility.

Galagirl
 
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Greetings Ineedtotalk,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I am hearing that your girlfriend is getting involved with another man in a way that you are perhaps not ready for. At the same time, I noticed you had some cuckolding feelings, meaning you were actually turned on by your girlfriend's involvement with this other man.

We will try to help you with your dilemma, and I will certainly try to be a part of that. Let us know what if anything bothers you about this new man she has seen, as well as how you feel about the polyamorous situation in general.

Even if it is just a sexual situation, we can try to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hi everybody, and thank you for your answers. I'll be the first to admit that my language might seem a bit "wonky", as English is my second language, and I'll try to clarify a few things.

The reason why she asked if it was ok to have sex with her friend, that she has no amourous feelings towards, was a way to make it easier for me to cope, as I just don't understand how it is possible to love more than one person. (Logically I do, but mentaly not.) She thought that if she could have sex with someone, anyone, not me, she could control the polyamoury better. I thought so too. I try to be open minded, and I feel that it's wrong of me to push my way of thinking down her throath all the time, so in this instance I said yes to a polysexual encounter. [And it's my fault you might have gotten the wrong impression here, as I do not know the lingo.]

She is falling in love with people quite often, and she does tell me about this, but since I am who I am, and since she tell me every day that I'm her biggest love, her best crush, and also her best friend, I think she tries to steer away from a sexual relationship with someone other than me that she's (currently) in love with.

I hope this makes more sense. :confused:

As for his feelings. I know I'm not the one to sort them out, and I also know that she is fully capable of letting him know that their agreement was sex one time, with nothing else planned. I will however be the one who has to comfort her if this leads to her losing a good friend, a person she meets every day at the university. If he is in love, I'm the one who will end up feeling guilty for messing up their friendship, as I was the one who let her rush into a situation that turned out bad. (And yes, I know I'm not responsible, but this is how I'm wired.)

Maybe she is polysexual, maybe she is polyamourous, I frankly don't know, as I just learned that the two things aren't the same. The good thing in this situation though is that we've had some rather great talks about this, and about our feelings, both for eachother and towards others, and we have agreed that the next time she feels she needs someone else for sex and/or love, we'll go down the road together. (Or more precise, we'll be in the same bed, with a third party.)

As you might notice, we've talked again today, and I feel much less confused, and much happier now.
 
I can only assume we are understanding you alright, as your English seems to be fine. If you and your girlfriend have talked things through and come to some agreements about things, that's good.
 
Glad you guys talked some, and are doing better.

I don't know if this could help you sort out some your feelings.

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/jealousy.html

  • The reason why she asked if it was ok to have sex with her friend, that she has no amourous feelings towards, was a way to make it easier for me to cope, as I just don't understand how it is possible to love more than one person.

That makes no sense to me. To me it sounds like:

  • I want you to learn how to cope with my having love for more than one person.
  • I am going to help you learn that by having sex with someone I do not love.

You learning to cope is your job. She might want you to learn, but she cannot make you. At best she can encourage.

And how does sex share with someone she does not love help you deal with her loving other people? She doesn't love this dude.

I will however be the one who has to comfort her if this leads to her losing a good friend, a person she meets every day at the university.
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This is something you could have thought about before giving your willingness. If you are not up for that comforting job you could not give your willingness.

This is something she could have thought about. If she's not up for the friendship going sour because they were not on the same page before sharing sex? Could have talked more before going there.

If he is in love, I'm the one who will end up feeling guilty for messing up their friendship, as I was the one who let her rush into a situation that turned out bad. (And yes, I know I'm not responsible, but this is how I'm wired.)
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You sound a bit enmeshed. I am glad you see it is not healthy. She is responsible for her own behaviors, not you.

we have agreed that the next time she feels she needs someone else for sex and/or love, we'll go down the road together. (Or more precise, we'll be in the same bed, with a third party.)
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What does that solve for her? Or for you? And what if the third party is not up for that?

You both are certainly free to make whatever agreements you like. But I'm not getting what the problem was, how it was solved by talking, and how it will be solved in future by agreeing to group sex only.

Could you be willing to clarify?
Galagirl
 
Honestly I don't see too big of a problem in your current situation: it seems like you two are doing well aside from this guy who has feelings for your girlfriend when she does not or does not want to reciprocate those feelings and wants a purely sexual relationship.

But I do see some red flags that you might have seen as well.

Your girlfriend is polyamorous. I guess I want you to think of it like this for a moment, because I know from experience that it's really easy, when you're SO in love with someone, to forgo seeing anyone else or dating or falling in love because you care about that person's feelings or you are just so focused on them etc. This may not be your girlfriend's case, so forgive me if I'm projecting. But if I were in her shoes, I would be secretly resentful of not being able to see anyone else or fall in love with anyone else, because polyamory is in my nature, but I would feel guilty because I want to spare your feelings. And yes, I have been in that situation before.

And a relationship where you/she have decided, for one reason or another, to stifle her nature is bound to have some problems at some point. It's like, if I were a skateboarder, and for some reason when you and I got together, you told me not to skateboard for a while, and when you did say it was okay to skateboard to only go in straight lines and don't do any tricks. If I loved to skateboard, if skateboarding was an important part of my life, then eventually I would start to really hate you for keeping me from skateboarding.

I just want to point out a long-run problem you may not have thought of. Because you don't seem to know what kind of poly person your gf is. Consider the possibility that polyamory is a really important part of her identity, and that she may resent being with you because she can't express herself. If not now, eventually.
 
I am sorry you lost time at work because of ill health and also had insurance troubles leading to less money! That sucks.

Stress can really do a number on one's libido. I bet you were very surprised when your partner got so horny she resorted to another man, and that brought your libido screaming back to life!

That's great, sounds fun.

But now what? Is your health better? Are your money troubles gone? Can you get back to work?

Were you a voyeur/cuckold all this time and just never knew it?

Deciding that all you 2 need is a willing, probably bisexual male unicorn to use to "spice up" your ailing sex life may seem like the perfect solution. But there are so many variables.

Are you willing to have a sexual threesome with just any guy? Is she? Will she keep seeing her "friend" that she thought didn't love her but it turns out he does? Will you go online and seek out an attractive stranger? Will you trust him to be honest about his sexual health? Will you insist on ending things with any other guy who develops "feelings" for your gf? What if she develops feelings for someone you two are fucking? Dump him?

Triads are com. pli. cate. ed. Beware.

Etc.
 
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