I need to feel more sexual connection with my partner

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Katinnyc

New member
My primary partner and I have been together for about four years. I asked him to move in around year one. I’m still as passionate about him as when we first started dating. The thing that really drew me to him was that we were both a couple of horny pervs who liked lots of sex.

I understand that with familiarity there is a drop in excitement, but I still crave the intimacy and physical touch that comes with sex. I want that feeling that he enjoys touching me that way. I’m not currently seeing any other partners, because up until recently I felt totally fulfilled with only him. I know he still loves me and we enjoy each other’s company. We cuddle and are close to each other. He just doesn’t want sex or even sexual touch as much as I do and I feel really sad about it.

I’ve tried to communicate to him how important this is to me, but I just end up feeling too needy when he says things like: “Just because I don’t want to have sex when you want to doesn’t mean I don’t want you.”

He loves group play. We go to play parties together and the sexual energy is there, but when it’s just the two of us, he’s inconsistent. He’s content to watch porn and masturbate next each other. That’s ok for me occasionally, but it’s not what I really need to feel satisfied and connected to my partner. I feel like we used to fuel each other and there was a shared excitement to have that connection. I know he wants the relationship to continue and values me as a partner, but he doesn’t value the sex as much as he used to.

I try to be emotionally empathetic towards him and understand that it’s not his job to fill all of my needs, but I just wish he wanted me more.

I have the option to date others if I want to, but I don’t end up trying to compensate for lack of intimacy in this relationship by seeking out someone else. Been there, done that, and it ended in divorce.

Am I the asshole for feeling so dejected and wanting to feel wanted? Is it too much to want sexual connection every day?
 
First of all, we don't do the "Am I the asshole?" here. This isn't reddit.

Your feelings are your feelings and you have a right to them.

You may not get sex every day with another, but maybe you can get a few days a week of intense sex!

Next, what you are missing is pretty common. Mismatched libidos happen a lot. That happened to me with my life partner, but we are poly, so I feel perfectly justified seeking others for more sexual intimacy. I've tried to address it with my gf, and I know she adores me, but her drive is quite low. A quick sex session once a week is enough for her. (She also has a serious bf and they rarely have sex, either.)

So I've had a string of dating partners, seeking sex, but also seeking a real bf who loves me and is committed to me. I've had a couple real bfs, and a few FWBs, but no one lasted for more than two years until I found Aries about three years ago. He's committed to me. and we are a great match in many ways, including sexually. I made sure he knew I wanted someone whose desire wouldn't wane after the NRE ended, and he's shown me that it sure hasn't. We see each other on the weekends and pack a week's worth of sex into 2 1/2 days. Or a month of sex for some. lol

I am sorry your bf only gets aroused by porn or by group sex with others. But you can keep him for companionship and stability, if he seems worth it, while also dating others to find that guy (or guys) that will address and fulfill your needs. It's okay! Even if you end up finding a few FWBs along the way, I hope you end up eventually with LOVE and SEX!

There's a huge range of normal in sex drive, from asexual to hypersexual. Wanting it every day doesn't mean you're a sex addict.
 
Haha. Sorry for using the Reddit thing. I’m just feeling really down on myself for needing more than my partner can give. Humor is my coping strategy.

I feel kind of like I’m mourning the idea of what I thought this relationship could be. Just all around sad about it.

The beauty of polyamory is that no one person needs to fulfill all of my needs. On an intellectual level, I get that. Emotionally, there’s part of me that wishes he could. That’s internalized monogamous thinking rearing its ugly head.

Thank you for sharing. It sure does help to not feel so alone.
 
Katinnyc said:
My primary partner and I have been together for about 4 years. I asked him to move in around year one.
I’m still as passionate about him as when we first started dating. The thing that really drew me to him was that we were both a couple of horny pervs who liked lots of sex.
I understand that with familiarity there is a drop in excitement but I still crave the intimacy and physical touch that comes with sex. I want that feeling that he enjoys touching me that way. I’m not currently seeing any other partners because up until recently I felt totally fulfilled with only him. I know he still loves me and we enjoy each other’s company. We cuddle and are close to each other.
He just doesn’t want sex or even sexual touch as much as I do and I feel really sad about it.
I’ve tried to communicate to him how important this is to me but I just end up feeling too needy when he says things like: “Just because I don’t want to have sex when you want to doesn’t mean I don’t want you.”
He loves group play. We go to play parties together and the sexual energy is there, but when it’s just the two of us, he’s inconsistent.
He’s content to watch porn and masturbate next each other. That’s ok for me occasionally but it’s not what I really need to feel satisfied and connected to my partner. I feel like we used to fuel each other and there was a shared excitement to have that connection. I know he wants the relationship to continue and values me as a partner but he doesn’t value the sex as much as he used to.
I try to be emotionally empathetic towards him and understand that it’s not his job to fill all of my needs but I just wish he wanted me more.

I have the option to date others if I want to but I don’t end up trying to compensate for lack of intimacy in this relationship by seeking out someone else. Been there. Done that. And it ended in divorce.

Am I the asshole for feeling so dejected and wanting to feel wanted?
Is it too much to want sexual connection every day?
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What about the non-sexual aspects of your relationship? How's that going? Is there love between you? As in real love?
 
Well, it's not just mono programming. I do miss the bonding that a good intense sexual exchange can bring to a partnership. I do feel like Pixi and I miss out on some of that connection, and we have to make up for it in other ways. She has ADHD and is on certain medications that are known to lower libido, so it's not her fault, and she does step up to the plate when I remind her. She's so distractable and can get so focused on her many projects that sex with Mags may be on her list, but can get bumped down if I don't make a point of reminding her.
 
River said:
What about the non-sexual aspects of your relationship? How's that going? Is there love between you? As in real love?
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There is real love, for sure. We truly care about and want the best for each other and are in it for the long run. He’s super supportive and loving in a lot of other ways. We both want to share our lives together. Of that, I’m sure.
 
Magdlyn said:
Well, it's not just mono programming. I do miss the bonding that a good intense sexual exchange can bring to a partnership. I do feel like Pixi and I miss out on some of that connection, and we have to make up for it in other ways. She has ADHD and is on certain medications that are known to lower libido, so it's not her fault, and she does step up to the plate when I remind her. She's so distractable and can get so focused on her many projects that sex with Mags may be on her list, but can get bumped down if I don't make a point of reminding her.
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Yes! For me, sexual exchange is such a big part of bonding with my closest partners. I think maybe I need to have a little more patience with him about it. His idea of bonding is a little different than mine. We just need to find common ground.
 
Katinnyc said:
The beauty of polyamory is that no one person needs to fulfill all of my needs. On an intellectual level, I get that. Emotionally, there’s part of me that wishes he could.
That’s internalized monogamous thinking rearing its ugly head.
Click to expand...
I want to gently push back on the degree you're beating yourself up in these posts. I think if you need sex to feel connected with someone, that is a perfectly ok way to be; it isn't "internalized monogamy programming", it is merely how you happen to experience intimacy.

The thing where, especially over the long term, couples have a mismatch in sexual desire that creates friction seems to be very common. I believe (or strongly suspect, anyway) that we all have some "baseline" needs for any intimate relationship, and if a relationship doesn't meet those needs, trying to meet them with other people will not actually improve the relationship.

So I truly don't think this is a monogamy vs. polyamory thing. I think it's a "how do we keep our relationship fulfilling for us both after 4 years together?" thing.

Have you two discussed relationship counselling? Or, for a starting point, may I strongly recommend the work of Esther Perel? (In particular, her book Mating in Captivity and podcast Where Shall We Begin?) They're entertaining and very helpful.
 
Hello Katinnyc,

I am sorry you are experiencing this sexual coldness from your partner. And it just makes things worse that he seems to be invalidating your concerns. It's not like cuddling counts as a substitute for sex. And finding another partner doesn't serve as a substitute for this partner. You don't just want sex, you want sex with him. That is perfectly valid and understandable.

Everyone is different, there is no "normal" or "correct" amount of sex to want. Some people want sex once a year, others want it multiple times per day. Both are perfectly legitimate for that person. It does not make you an asshole just because you want that sexual connection (not just side-by-side masturbation) every day. It is not cool for him to make you feel that way.

I don't blame you for feeling sad.
Kevin T.
 
Albert Ross said:
I want to gently push back on the degree you're beating yourself up in these posts. I think if you need sex to feel connected with someone, that is a perfectly ok way to be; it isn't "internalized monogamy programming", it is merely how you happen to experience intimacy.

The thing where, especially over the long term, couples have a mismatch in sexual desire that creates friction seems to be very common. I believe (or strongly suspect, anyway) that we all have some "baseline" needs for any intimate relationship, and if a relationship doesn't meet those needs, trying to meet them with other people will not actually improve the relationship.
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Well, for me, in my 15-year polyamorous relationship, it has. It's true, when our sex drives started to become unequal, I spent a couple years in frustration and sadness. I wanted her, and the other people I was having dates with, which included sex, with, weren't her. But very gradually I had to come to accept the fact that this wasn't going to change, and if I wanted to be with her, I had to accept that we wouldn't have much of a sex life together. We do cook and eat together, cuddle, hug, kiss a little, sleep together, have long talks, walk in the woods, take road trips, share our deepest darkest hearts, hopes, fears, with each other. We intellectually, spiritually and emotionally stimulate and heal each other. We take care of each other's physical health, and support each other with both sides of our families and their health issues and life struggles and successes.

She just doesn't crave to touch my lady bits much... or want to be touched on hers. I'd even go so far as to say she's become greysexual. Her hormones were different when she was younger. She had a much stronger sex drive as a teen and twenty-something, but things have changed.

I wouldn't ever leave her over this.

But, when I don't get enough sex, I become a cranky Mags. I also let her know I am horny, just as a FYI, not to guilt her. But she sometimes feels guilty that she's not up for it. Then she feels pressured. When I do have another partner or partners satisfying me, she feels less pressure, and sometimes that makes her want me more. She has told me this more than once.

That's why polyamory is wonderful! She can appreciate how my other partners help me feel good in that area. It's like friendship. I might go shopping with my sister, and camping with others. I might talk about Wicca with my daughter and Marvel movies with my boyfriend, etc. One of the main tenets of poly is how you can have a number of people sharing in the various areas of your life. Good friends, lovers, everyone has a role, so to speak.
Albert Ross said:
So I truly don't think this is a monogamy vs. polyamory thing. I think it's a "how do we keep our relationship fulfilling for us both after 4 years together?" thing.

Have you two discussed relationship counselling? Or, for a starting point, may I strongly recommend the work of Esther Perel? (In particular, her book Mating in Captivity and podcast Where Shall We Begin?) They're entertaining and very helpful.
Click to expand...
 
Thanks, everyone, for your perspective.

My partner and I had a good conversation last night. (And some nice sex! :) )

To be fair, he has a fairly physically demanding job, and I can get up in my own feelings. But he is the furthest thing from cold towards me, and wants nothing but my happiness, even if that doesn’t involve the amount of sex that I would prefer. It’s an ongoing conversation, for sure.

Thanks for giving me a sounding board. So grateful for polyamorous spaces. ❤️
 
I was reading the book The Molecule of More lately. They talk in there about how porn can easily become an addiction. It has the effect of making sex boring. The timing was just right for me because I had started to watch porn more during that time and wasn't feeling great. Guess what, it really helped my mood to stop that on a regular basis. I don't know, maybe your boyfriend can try taking a break from it and see if things improve with his desire to connect more with you? Just my 2 cents.
 
Musso said:
I was reading the book The Molecule of More lately. They talk in there about how porn can easily become an addiction. It has the effect of making sex boring. The timing was just right for me because I had started to watch porn more during that time and wasn't feeling great. Guess what, it really helped my mood to stop that on a regular basis. I don't know, maybe your boyfriend can try taking a break from it and see if things improve with his desire to connect more with you? Just my 2 cents.
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Just a note to you and Drmica, that this thread is from 2024, and the OP hasn't been back since then. It's still a good topic though.
 
Magdlyn said:
Just a note to you and Drmica, that this thread is from 2024, and the OP hasn't been back since then. It's still a good topic though.
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Thanks for pointing that out. I completely missed that :)
 
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