I think I fucked up

[enby583]

So, my partner and I recently opened up our relationship, I am polyamouros but they aren't, they are fine with me having sex with and or dating other people as long as I feel fulfilled and am doing it safely.

I started having sexual feelings (note, not romantic) for one of our close friends who we spend a lot of time with, through a drunk moment I found out that they also had some feelings for me. Before anything happened I talked to my partner and made sure they were okay with us doing it as they are a good friend and things could get messy. They said just be careful and use protection but otherwise they are okay with it and are more comfortable with me having sex with a friend than a random stranger (in the sense that they know i won't get stabbed, raped etc by said friend).

So me and the friend talked about it, set our boundaries (I tried to be clear that while I loved them as a friend I didn't romantically and just wanted to explore the intimate side of our relationship) we did the do and it was great, we had about two weeks of on and off sex while still hanging out with all our friends and things. Then I started going into a bit of a depressive episode and I realised I was losing these sexual feelings for this friend. I was hanging out with them and their housemate at the time, we were having some drinks and they disappeared for a bit. I went to go find them and had finally figured out how to tell them I wanted our sexual relationship to come to an end when I walked in on them black out drunk and self harming. I stayed with them for most of the night, didn't judge, just tried to make sure they weren't bleeding everywhere and we're taking care of the cuts properly, made sure they drank some water and helped them when they threw up and subsequently passed out in the bathroom. It was a horrible night and they were shouting at me and telling me to fuck off and a whole other bunch of verbal abuse but I stuck with them and in the morning they said they were really grateful that I was there and that they didn't remember anything beyond me finding them self harming.

Safe to say things were a little weird between us for a couple of days, they think it's because of that night but i still hadn't told them about my change of feelings. We've had a couple more cuddle times since then and made out a few times. I thought maybe my feelings would change once I was out of this episode but kissing them felt really wrong and I didn't like it anymore.

I finally told them last night, and they were very understanding, they didn't believe it wasn't because of that night despite my best attempts to assure them it was just my feelings changing. A little bit later they revealed that they had way more than sexual feelings for me, they sent me a really long message about how they just wanted to hold me until they fall asleep and just spend time with me, not neccesarily in a sexual way. They said that they need some space to get through this and I completely understand, this unfortunately isn't the first time I haven't reciprocated feelings for a friend so I know to just give them the space and time they need and let them know I'll still be here as a friend when they are ready.

But in this case I'm worried that I fucked up by having a sexual relationship with this friend when they wanted something more, eventhough it was a decision we all made together to just have fwb. I'm worried this is all gonna blow up in our faces and that I'm going to have fucked up the friend group by exploring polyamory within in.

Of course I am going to give this friend the space they want and I will defientely still be here as a friend when they are ready, I care about them a lot and we have a lot of hobbies in common so we have a lot of fun. I was just wondering if any of you have any advice? I'm new to this and thought that as long as everyone was okay with it and communication was good then fwb with someone in a close friend group would be fine but was I wrong?

Thanks in advance for any comments xx

 

[Inaniel]

My only advice would be to give your friend space and time to heal, and maintain consistency with your boundaries.

There is no way to guarantee the longevity of a friendship, and the more complicated it becomes the harder it is to keep it from fracturing. Sex, money, cohabitation, business/work.. When you introduce any of those things into a friendship it serves as a complication.

Sex in friendships can be a bit like playing with fire, me personally, I would rather the flame burn twice as bright and half as long...

 

[Evie]

Damn, you've been through the ringer lately. You're doing good in each moment, so stick to that. It sounds like you're now starting to borrow trouble from the future with some 'what ifs'. Pro tip: stop that.

Deal in the here and now, which you seem really good at. And keep those boundaries strong, as well as that perspective. You are not responsible for other people's feelings or actions. We've "all" had people fall for us that we didn't fall for in return (and vice versa). That's life. Distance and time will help everyone move on.

 

[I_Voyager]

So, my partner and I recently opened up our relationship, I am polyamouros but they aren't, they are fine with me having sex with and or dating other people as long as I feel fulfilled and am doing it safely.

I started having sexual feelings (note, not romantic) for one of our close friends who we spend a lot of time with, through a drunk moment I found out that they also had some feelings for me. Before anything happened I talked to my partner and made sure they were okay with us doing it as they are a good friend and things could get messy. They said just be careful and use protection but otherwise they are okay with it and are more comfortable with me having sex with a friend than a random stranger (in the sense that they know i won't get stabbed, raped etc by said friend).

So me and the friend talked about it, set our boundaries (I tried to be clear that while I loved them as a friend I didn't romantically and just wanted to explore the intimate side of our relationship) we did the do and it was great, we had about two weeks of on and off sex while still hanging out with all our friends and things. Then I started going into a bit of a depressive episode and I realised I was losing these sexual feelings for this friend. I was hanging out with them and their housemate at the time, we were having some drinks and they disappeared for a bit. I went to go find them and had finally figured out how to tell them I wanted our sexual relationship to come to an end when I walked in on them black out drunk and self harming. I stayed with them for most of the night, didn't judge, just tried to make sure they weren't bleeding everywhere and we're taking care of the cuts properly, made sure they drank some water and helped them when they threw up and subsequently passed out in the bathroom. It was a horrible night and they were shouting at me and telling me to fuck off and a whole other bunch of verbal abuse but I stuck with them and in the morning they said they were really grateful that I was there and that they didn't remember anything beyond me finding them self harming.

Safe to say things were a little weird between us for a couple of days, they think it's because of that night but i still hadn't told them about my change of feelings. We've had a couple more cuddle times since then and made out a few times. I thought maybe my feelings would change once I was out of this episode but kissing them felt really wrong and I didn't like it anymore.

I finally told them last night, and they were very understanding, they didn't believe it wasn't because of that night despite my best attempts to assure them it was just my feelings changing. A little bit later they revealed that they had way more than sexual feelings for me, they sent me a really long message about how they just wanted to hold me until they fall asleep and just spend time with me, not neccesarily in a sexual way. They said that they need some space to get through this and I completely understand, this unfortunately isn't the first time I haven't reciprocated feelings for a friend so I know to just give them the space and time they need and let them know I'll still be here as a friend when they are ready.

But in this case I'm worried that I fucked up by having a sexual relationship with this friend when they wanted something more, eventhough it was a decision we all made together to just have fwb. I'm worried this is all gonna blow up in our faces and that I'm going to have fucked up the friend group by exploring polyamory within in.

Of course I am going to give this friend the space they want and I will defientely still be here as a friend when they are ready, I care about them a lot and we have a lot of hobbies in common so we have a lot of fun. I was just wondering if any of you have any advice? I'm new to this and thought that as long as everyone was okay with it and communication was good then fwb with someone in a close friend group would be fine but was I wrong?

Thanks in advance for any comments xx

I am sorry you went through all that, you were a great friend through it though and I respect you for that. Given how turbulent this situation has been and where it is going, would you trade the sexual friendship you had in order to avoid being there with your friend through their mental health struggles while going through your own? Would you have chosen the passions or the peace of mind?

 

[GalaGirl]

So me and the friend talked about it, set our boundaries (I tried to be clear that while I loved them as a friend I didn't romantically and just wanted to explore the intimate side of our relationship)

So did what did the friend want? Were they up front that they wanted sex and romance here? Or led you to believe just sex?

But in this case I'm worried that I fucked up by having a sexual relationship with this friend when they wanted something more, even though it was a decision we all made together to just have fwb.

Sounds like they were not up front with you.

I get that the self harming was unexpected, but feeling pity or awkward or whatever... that's not a reason to keep being lovers with this friend if you want to stop.

So.... stop.

I'm worried this is all gonna blow up in our faces and that I'm going to have fucked up the friend group by exploring polyamory within in.

Don't "pre-worry" things you cannot control.

Cross that bridge when you get to it, if it even happens.

You sound like you treated the FWB person well, so I don't know what you are worried about will "blow up."

Of course I am going to give this friend the space they want and I will defientely still be here as a friend when they are ready, I care about them a lot and we have a lot of hobbies in common so we have a lot of fun.

That is all you can do. Give them space to heal.

I'm new to this and thought that as long as everyone was okay with it and communication was good then fwb with someone in a close friend group would be fine but was I wrong?

Not wrong. Just that the FWB person? Wasn't totally honest and up front with you. They secretly wanted more.

You might have to reconsider how you vet people, maybe not jump into bed so fast to be SURE they know the deal and aren't secretly hoping for more.

But don't beat yourself up over it. You did your best in the moment with the info you had at the time.

Galagirl

 

[MeeraReed]

I think this is not a polyamory issue and you don't need to feel guilty about the polyamorous part.

This is a "dating/fooling around with friends issue." It's an example of the kind of messiness and awkwardness that can happen any time anyone, whether monogamous or polyamorous, decides to do any type of dating with a friend (including serious dating, casual, FWB, whatever).

I think it is totally normal to do dating/sexual stuff with friends...people I develop crushes on are usually friends, and I prefer to fool around with a friend than a stranger.

But yes, there is a risk it screws up the friendship or even makes the whole friend group awkward.

But, you know what, people are adults and they can deal with it. You were honest in your communications and expectations.

It sounds like your friend wasn't particularly honest about being okay with FWB. But it also sounds like they have a lot of other internal issues going on.

You can figure out as you go along whether you need to give them space, or continue to be a close supportive platonic friend, or if you need to set limits with them because they aren't respecting your boundaries or are making you feel guilty for not returning their feelings.

But all of this would be the same if you were single, or monogamous, or whatever. It doesn't really have anything to do with you being poly. (I am not seeing how any of this affects your partner, if at all).

I just wanted to mention that, because you sound like you feel a bit guilty about being poly.

Like, I don't think you would have returned your friend's romantic feelings if you weren't already with your partner. So I don't think your lack of desire to date your friend romantically has anything to do with you being poly.

I guess this situation could result in your friend feeling jealous of your partner or not wanting to be around your partner, but that's no different than many messy friend-group dating situations.

It sounds like you've been through a lot, and are handling it as well as you can!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello enby583,

I think you are already doing the right things: You are giving this friend the space they want, and you will be there as a friend when they are ready. As for having a strictly sexual experience with them, you notified them ahead of time that your feelings were strictly sexual (aside loving them as a friend), so if anyone "fucked up," it was them for not letting you know that they wanted something more than just sexual. I don't think you have ruined anything, you just need to give it some time and let everyone collect their feelings.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Marcus]

They said that they need some space to get through this and I completely understand, this unfortunately isn't the first time I haven't reciprocated feelings for a friend so I know to just give them the space and time they need and let them know I'll still be here as a friend when they are ready.

Sounds like your friend could use some alone time, as well as some time away from booze, and some close intimate time with a therapist. Unfortunately lots of us grow up with a faulty tool chest for dealing with life, and we just bumble through life figuring out new and exciting ways to fuck ourselves up. Your friend certainly appears to have picked up that habit and is really knocking it out of the park with damaging themselves and their relationships.

That being said, we can't hold ourselves responsible for the emotional state of other people. We didn't get them their, life did. All you can do, as others have noted, is have healthy boundaries and stick to them.

I'm in favor of exploring relationships, and it's critical to understand that sometimes our gambles just don't pay off. We leave our current job for what we though was an opportunity, and it turns out to be a nightmare, we get a new operating system and it turns out to be way worse than the last one, but if we don't take chances and give life a try we won't have the opportunity for some of the great successes available to us. Live your life, be kind, and keep those boundaries front and center.

 

[Marcus]

So me and the friend talked about it, set our boundaries (I tried to be clear that while I loved them as a friend I didn't romantically and just wanted to explore the intimate side of our relationship) we did the do and it was great

As an aside, I want to encourage you to look at how you are classifying these feelings. I for one don't understand the distinction you are making, and that could be setting you up for some communication breakdown.

Having love for someone and wanting to explore sexual intimacy with them sounds a lot like romance to me. Does this mean "I don't want a partner, like boyfriend or anything, I want it to stay super light with no expectations of cuddling or typical couple stuff. I'd like to keep doing exactly what we are doing now, just with the option to touch each other's genitals in a non-boyfriend way"?

I expect your conversation with them was intricate and you are just truncating it here for the sake of brevity. Regardless, I definitely would encourage you to get out of the habit of using catch terms like "romantic" when people usually have different ways of classifying those terms. While they are helpful when we are all on exactly the same page, I find it is better to err on the side of describing the action you are trying to avoid (or encourage), and not the name people sometimes use for it.

 

[roshnikhanna]

My only advice would be to give your friend space and time to heal.