I think I screwed up my first Poly relationship

[hjeckyl]

I am new to Poly, in a relationship with an experienced Poly woman who is smart, incredibly sexy, and frankly out of my league.

While we have known each other longer, we have been intimate for about 2 months. I am married, no sex for over 2 years, and entered the relationship with a DADT understanding. However, this is shaky at best and my wife is basically unhappy I am seeing someone else. THAT huge problem is not why I am here, however.

Recently, when at my lovers late at night, my phone rang at precisely the worst time, right literally as soon as we jumped into the bed together. Note normally I put my phone on vibrate prior to being intimate, and would have, since I have kids, checked to see if there was an urgent text. For some reason I did not do that this night - maybe because it was ringing loudly- and I answered it. It was my wife, and I had failed to do my due diligence at home communicating I would be out this late - very much my bad, and she was very unhappy (understatement), and pretty much demanded I come home immediately. Fearing that failing to do so would undermine future opportunities to see my lover, or even end any prospect of me being able to have the relationship, I chose to say my goodbyes to my lover and head home.

It is not my habit to leave a beautiful half naked woman in bed who wants to have sex. If I did it over again, I would have told my wife I am going to be home much later, hung up, and dealt with the consequences. 9/10 times that is what I would have likely done.

Since that time, I feel my lover has been distant. She had qualms going in about the shaky nature of my marriage and arrangement. I talked to her the next day and she said basically I have to do what I have to do, she will do what she will do.... but I have not seen her since, even for a lunch date. She has been exceptionally busy, so that's all it could be - but our daily communications have dropped from 2-3 chats to maybe 1, and it doesn't feel the same.

I am beside myself, haven't been able to sleep, I just play this over and over, and am really worried I blew it. It matters because I really have strong feelings for her, what started as an adventure has developed into something pretty deep, and basically I don't want to lose her over this. I am pretty convinced no one else I could meet would ever compare. (I don't think this is just the musings of a lovestruck guy, objectively she is, as I said, a pretty incredible catch).

I am aware I probably have no business attempting a Poly relationship with my marriage in the state its in. And I don't blame her if this gives her pause. I want to know - (and please no advice on my marriage/spouse - I promise I will post a much longer post about that in the near future) - what would your reaction be? Would this be a dealbreaker? Am I just being paranoid because I feel so bad about the whole incident? Are there any repairs? I would like to have a discussion with her about this but there really hasn't been a right time and place since. She is smart and together, and not prone to emotional outbursts or head games.

Thank you for listening.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

I am aware I probably have no business attempting a Poly relationship with my marriage in the state its in. And I don't blame her if this gives her pause.

It would give me pause too.

I want to know - what would your reaction be, would this be a dealbreaker?

Nope. Because I wouldn't have bothered to start anything in the first place. The DADT thing and the marriage being wonky -- I'm not interested in getting sucked into other people's problems. I also don't want to be someone's "bandaid" like being with me helps them endure their marriage, or avoid dealing with their marriage. Might help THEM, but not an esp great deal for ME.

So I would have told you I'm interested, but look me up when you are actually ABLE to date me properly.

And because of that, this would not have happened -- where I'm naked in bed with you and then you jump off to go home because you left things unattended there.

Am I just being paranoid because I feel so bad about the whole incident? Are there any repairs? I would like to have a discussion with her about this but there really hasn't been a right time and place since. She is smart and together, and not prone to emotional outbursts or head games.

I understand mistakes happen, but after 3 tries? If it is still a problem I will lose interest and cut my losses. I don't know how many mistakes have happened here.

She's a different person than me. She may have a higher or lower limit of tolerance for this stuff. All you can do it talk to her and see what you can work out.

It was my wife, and I had failed to do my due diligence at home communicating I would be out this late - very much my bad, and she was very unhappy (understatement), and pretty much demanded I come home immediately. Fearing that failing to do so would undermine future opportunities to see my lover, or even end any prospect of me being able to have the relationship, I chose to say my goodbyes to my lover and head home.

To me that is owning that you made a faux pas. I hope you apologized to lover for not attending to things at home FIRST and then apologized to wife when you got home for the same thing.

It is not my habit to leave a beautiful half naked woman in bed who wants to have sex. If I did it over again, I would have told my wife I am going to be home much later, hung up, and dealt with the consequences.

If I was your lover? And you made a mess at home not doing your due diligence? And then blew off owning it and making good with wife just to get into my pants? That too would give me pause. Because next time when the shoe is on the other foot and you have made a faux pas with me, will you blow ME off like that too?

I would want a hinge that can be responsible and do right by ALL their partners. Not be swinging from one to the other and any given day blowing somebody off. I want a solid, reliable hinge. Not a sloppy, disorganized one.

Maybe something to think about?

I wonder if because you have gone without sex for 2 years in the marriage, your thinking is clouded. Like "Damn, I had a chance for sex and I blew it" rather than thinking "What does it take to be a hinge in a responsible, balanced way? So I treat all my partners well? And do I have that ability or can I grow that ability?"

One line of thinking is focused on what you get. (sex with lover.)

The other line of thinking is focused on what you give to all your partners so they are happy to be partnered to you.

Galagirl

 

[hjeckyl]

Thank you

To me that is owning that you made a faux pas. I hope you apologized to lover for not attending to things at home FIRST and then apologized to wife when you got home for same thing.

I sent an email owning the whole thing, that it was wrong putting her in the middle of my mistake, also apologized on the phone the next day - and yes, I apologized at home and owned it there too.

If I was your lover? And you made a mess at home not doing due diligence? And then blew off owning it and making good with wife just to get into my pants? That too would give me pause.

I agree with this. Demonstrating how difficult the home situation is, and again, why I understand if she has concerns.

I wonder if because you have gone without sex for 2 years in the marriage, your thinking is clouded. Like "Damn, I had a chance for sex and I blew it" rather than thinking what it takes to be a hinge in a responsible, balanced way?

I thought about that - yes, it has been a long 2 years, the sex is amazing, and it is clouding my judgement somewhat. But, I have pretty strong feelings for her, and I hope I'm old enough to recognize what is the oxytocin talking - but I'm not a super emotional person, and my emotions have been on an utter rollercoaster throughout this relationship, in ways that have really surprised me.

Thank you for your very helpful feedback.

 

[lunabunny]

Since that time, I feel my lover has been distant. She had qualms going in about the shaky nature of my marriage and arrangement. I talked to her the next day and she said basically I have to do what I have to do, she will do what she will do.... but I have not seen her since, even for a lunch date. it doesn't feel the same.

I am aware I probably have no business attempting a Poly relationship with my marriage in the state its in. And I don't blame her if this gives her pause. I want to know - (and please no advice on my marriage/spouse - I promise I will post a much longer post about that in the near future) - what would your reaction be? Would this be a dealbreaker?

Not an immediate deal-breaker, perhaps, but it'd definitely give me pause for thought as well.

You said your OSO was already dubious about the nature of your agreements with you wife, going in, and now you backed out and left her at a very emotional/vulnerable moment because you haven't adequately sorted your marital stuff out re: other relationships... so yes, your lover isn't just overreacting here by being distant and disconnecting from your somewhat. She clearly has very real fears that she isn't going to get HER needs met or be treated with due respect in this relationship with you, and is probably trying to protect her own heart.

At this stage, all you can do is own your own mistake and apologise - which you've done - with both.

THEN I would speak to your girlfriend and assure her that a similar incident WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN because you intend to sort out agreements/boundaries with your wife, in a way that won't impact your relationship with her (gf) in the future.

But ONLY give such an assurance IF you're truly committed to doing the above before continuing the relationship with your girlfriend - if she even wants to continue with you after this - or they'll just be empty words that will land you in deeper trouble if you cannot come to some sort of reasonable arrangement with your wife.

All poly "newbies" make mistakes. Your girlfriend is more experienced at polyamory and may be rethinking the relationship due to wanting to avoid a relationship (potentially) filled with drama due to issues with a meta. Ask her directly if this is the case, or if she's willing to give you a little time to work on the issues with wife.

 

[Dagferi]

For me it will be a deal breaker and I would cut you loose.

I have very little tolerance for drama (I have enough other issues and stressors in my life.) and I would not be a part of adding further fuel to an unhappy marriage.

To be blunt I wouldn't be with someone who disrespects both his wife and myself.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I am married, no sex for over 2 years, and entered the relationship with a DADT understanding. However, this is shaky at best and my wife is basically unhappy I am seeing someone else. THAT huge problem is not why I am here, however.

But this is what you should be putting most of your thought into. Your wife isn't cool with poly and she isn't intimate with you. That is indeed a huge problem that will only get bigger and bigger until things get so huge that you have no choice but to deal with them. Your lover likely knows this or at very least senses this. DADT is really just a band aid for something that needs surgery. You are under the illusion that you can control this situation by being well behaved and by keeping all of the plates spinning properly, but this situation is much bigger than you and no amount of honesty and owning is going to change the fact that your marriage is not in good health. You're asking your lover to get into a leaky boat with you and she rightly can see where that's going to go - nowhere but down. Fix your boat or get a new one, man!

 

[River]

I can't help wondering why there has been two years with the wife in which there has been no sex. That would shine some light on whether the next two ... or ten years are likely to be just the same. And this would shine light on whether going forward with the wife makes any sense at all. Most folks would not stay in a sexless marriage.

 

[lunabunny]

I can't help wondering why there has been two years with the wife in which there has been no sex. That would shine some light on whether the next two ... or ten years are likely to be just the same. And this would shine light on whether going forward with the wife makes any sense at all. Most folks would not stay in a sexless marriage.

My current gf stayed in a sexless marriage for close to a decade. Despite trying to address the issue by discussing it and even having doctors suggest ways to boost her husband's libido, he remained intractable on the issue.

Eventually, she couldn't take it anymore and started having affairs, because certain complicated family issues prevented her from getting a divorce at the time. They are now separated, but the marriage completely died years before due to lack of physical intimacy.

As many people here say, "nobody owes anybody else sex" - and while that may be essentially true - i.e. it'd be wrong to insist upon sex whenever one desires it, whether one's partner is in the mood or not - sexual intimacy is generally considered to be a vital component in most marriages and long-term, intimate relationships.

Without it, where is the intimacy? How does the partner who refuses to engage in sexual activity expect their SO to get these needs met if they both refuse to engage sexually AND have a problem with their partner seeking loving touch/sex elsewhere? Surely both partners entered into marriage with the understanding that sex would be a regular, on-going part of the relationship.

If there is no "obvious" reason to consistently refuse sex - for ex: a debilitating health problem, serious mental health issue, recent trauma or injury - then I'd be wanting to find out the cause of the wife's lack of desire if I were the OP. Couples' counselling or a few sessions with a sex therapist may uncover the root of the problem, if you haven't done so already, hjeckyl.

 

[KC43]

I know someone who is in a sexless marriage--if I've understood right, it has been that way all along due to some medical issues on the spouse's part--and has no intention of ending it. They consider their spouse to be their best friend and have no desire to leave them, but also, they're from a culture and observe a religion in which divorce is apparently just plain not something that happens.

Other people might stay in a sexless marriage for the legal protections, or because there are children involved and the spouses get along well enough to stay together and coparent despite the lack of sex, or because one spouse has medical issues and the other is willing to care for them financially and otherwise, or for any number of other reasons.

For some people (myself included), staying in an entirely sexless marriage might not make sense, but for others, it works for them. I think it probably would work much better if the marriage is open for the partner who wants sex to be able to find it elsewhere, though.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello hjeckyl,

I think the main problem here is that your wife is unhappy that you are seeing someone else. In that sense, you do not have her consent, or at best, she consents very begrudgingly. This is a formula for drama, and your girlfriend is probably taking a step back from the situation for that reason. The incident where your wife demanded you come home immediately, was probably a wake-up call to your girlfriend. She has to wonder if the same, or worse, will happen in the future.

Are you and your wife compatible? It seems that you want poly, and she does not. This conflict must somehow be dealt with, and I don't know if divorce is the answer. Things can't just continue the way they are; if they do, you will probably lose your girlfriend.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[hjeckyl]

Hello hjeckyl,


Are you and your wife compatible? It seems that you want poly, and she does not. This conflict must somehow be dealt with, and I don't know if divorce is the answer. Things can't just continue the way they are; if they do, you will probably lose your girlfriend.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

That is the crux of the problem. We have been together over 15 years and frankly have never been all that compatible. I am going to post the entire thing here soon, but she actually opened things up 10 years ago or so by wanting to explore things with a female friend. We briefly tried swinging as well (we ran into a jerk at a swingers party that turned her off that scene for good).

We are together due to kids, mortgage, extended family concerns, all of the reasons that unfortunately conspire to keep people together - I am probably a year away from sorting through all the heavy lifting to get out of the situation finances and kids/family situation in tact. Until I met my girlfriend, no one had rocked my world enough to make me think, yes, doing all of the things necessary would indeed be worth it.

And I go back to the original premise was to be able to have some balance, including sex, back in my life, but it has been more emotional than I had imagined it would be.

 

[kdt26417]

It sounds like you are actually considering divorce; it's just not something that can happen right away. Is that right? So, maybe in a year it will become a possibility for you.

I do not mean to discourage you from trying to make the marriage work. There is always marriage counseling. I just mean that the incompatibilities will have to be resolved, somehow. And maybe breaking up is the only way to do that, I don't know.

 

[GalaGirl]

We are together due to kids, mortgage, extended family concerns, all of the reasons that unfortunately conspire to keep people together.

Well, post divorce you would still have to work together as coparents and probably would still have extended family concerns. Just because people divorce to end the marriage doesn't mean they have to also quit being families.

Are the concerns mostly financial at this point? The ones that impede a divorce? Being together for 15 year when not esp compatible doesn't sound easy.

Galagirl

 

[hjeckyl]

Update

Thank you for all of the advice.

Update - for the first time in the 5 months I've known her - other than planned trips - I only had two brief texts and did not hear from her at all today.

 

[kdt26417]

Sounds like she is distancing herself from you. I'm sorry to hear that. I hope this isn't leading to a breakup.

 

[Arius]

If I was her, I'd care less about your marriage (your business) and more about the fact that we had a nice evening planned and were about to have fun and then you split (my business) to take care of your insecure wife due to poor planning on your part. But you did say she was hesitant about how unstable your marriage is. That could be genuine concern about breaking up your marriage, or it could be a fear of falling in love only for you to end things with HER (your lover) if your wife can't handle being open - a fear substantially strengthened by your abandonment of her in a state of arousal to quell your upset wife.

She's probably also pretty wary, as someone with some experience, about getting into a poly relationship with a noob. Most experienced poly folks avoid noobs like the plague because, no offense, but you tend to cause a lot more heartache, drama, and pain, as you figure out how to be polyamorous.

In my experience, it's NEVER a smooth transition to poly. You've got to figure out your needs and boundaries (usually through an awful process of trial and error), you've got to learn and get practiced in ways to show respect to new partners while balancing the needs of existing partners (which is where things fell apart for you here), you've got a TON of emotional unlearning to do and jealousy issues to work through, etc. It all gets a lot easier over time, but the journey there is thorny and painful.

We've all been through it - which is why I have a lot of empathy for you.

I don't know what your lover specifically needs. Blanket advice: I wouldn't be too aggressive in your pursuit, but you should attempt to initiate a conversation with her in which you begin by apologizing for ditching her, explain that you made a mistake not informing your wife of how late you'd be out, that you learned from that mistake, and that you'd like a chance to make it up to her.

It might also help to reassure her that her needs are important to you. Let her know how much you care. You probably don't need to tell her how hot you think she is - my experience is that attractive women KNOW they are hot, and are wary of being pursued just for their bodies. So focus on how important she is to you and how much you care about her.

Also, fear is unattractive, so maybe play it a bit cool. You may think she's out of your league, but she doesn't need to know you think that, or she might start thinking it too. Obviously she's into you for some reason, so just celebrate that and accept that she finds you attractive.

If you DID scare her off, it's not necessarily the end. Take a year or two to get your marriage stabilized and/or get some more poly experience under your belt, and maybe hit her up again when you're more on her level in terms of having your stuff together. She may be willing to give you a second chance.

I'm hoping she'll give you one NOW, but I'm just saying - all hope is not lost. One of the cool things about poly is that you don't have to worry too much about her finding someone else and being "taken." You can improve and come back stronger.