I think I was a unicorn and I don't know how to move forward

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polywog04

New member
I'm new here. And I'm very sorry for the novel that I'm about to release on you all.

4 years ago, I was approached by my best friend and her husband who are poly. She informed me that her husband had a crush on me. I had a crush on her, but I had never experienced or explored polyamory.

He and I talked every day. He gave me articles and topics to research before entering into anything. I put the time in. I researched day and night, and not just the articles he had sent me. I realized it was something I was interested in exploring.

Many discussions happened between the 3 of us, and individually. We decided to wait on pursuing a relationship, because her and I worked together. She was my boss at one point, then I was hers. Once our job shut down in June 2019, we decided to give the relationship a go.

She informed us that if I wanted the girlfriend title, I could have that. But significant other and partner were off limits, and reserved solely for her and her husband. I saw that as a reasonable request.

Everything seemed fine, in the beginning. Even though it was brought up to me that we would be dating individually first, to make sure chemistry was there for everyone, we were only dating together. It started becoming hard for me when I found out that I wasn't allowed to show affection to my boyfriend, only her. I wanted to be able to show both of them how much I cared, but she was only comfortable with me touching her.

It took 3 months to be able to hold his hand or hug him without her present. Again, it was something I complied with, because I wanted everyone to be comfortable. I didn't get to kiss him for the first time (alone) until January of this year.

Him and I started spending time together alone (with her permission and her knowledge of where we were going) around the same time in January. It started to become increasingly frustrating for me, as I felt I wasn't getting enough time with him to strengthen our relationship.

During this time in January, she got another boyfriend. He was seeing her and I. And I was seeing only them (per my choice). In February, he and I were given the "green light" to engage in some sexual activity. Anything up to oral sex was allowed, seeing as she wasn't having PIV with her boyfriend. She did not want to know about anything husband and I were doing sexually.

Come the end of February, her mother passed away. It was a difficult time for us all. We were doing the best we all could to support her, while still trying to maintain individual relationships. He and I were still engaging sexually at this point.

COVID-19 then hit. They were quarantined for 2 weeks, due to the possibility of her having it. During that time, husband and I were having phone sex over webcam. One night, she came into the room and "caught" us. It caused a meltdown. She halted all sexual activity between he and I.

It started to become even more frustrating for me, especially by this point since we were in lockdown and I was separated from them. She would message us and tell us that she didn't care what we did - oral, PIV, webcam - as long as everyone was consenting. I made sure that she was comfortable with her decision, as she's said that before and changed her mind. She claimed she was fine with that decision, only to change her mind again the following week.

She proceeded to halt all sexual activity between him and I, stating she wasn't comfortable with in-person stuff (even though, we weren't seeing each other due to lockdown).

I broke down, not able to handle the back and forth. I sent an extremely long message to our group chat. Explaining that I felt my needs - emotionally, physically, sexually - were not being met. I felt it was unfair that husband and I could not interact sexually, but they still could. She had closed off from me sexually as well, after her mother passed. She told me that she would tell me when she was ready to be sexual with me again. I felt alone, and sad.

Her response to me, in an individual message, was that I felt left out, but I had taken her husband from her since February. That she was struggling because he's never had a real life girlfriend during their marriage.

She offered to remove herself, so husband and I could date. I told her no, because I still wanted to make things work between her and I.

After my long message, we decided to de-escalate and take a small break to work things out and communicate. Wife claimed she never gave the "green light" for certain sexual activity, which is why she's having a hard time. I showed her the message where she gave the ok, and she has no remembrance of sending it.

Suddenly, she wanted to know any and everything husband and I had done. Getting increasingly upset if it was something he hadn't done with her. He was making a huge effort to do those things with her, as well.

It got to the point where if he and I were together, she was constantly messaging wanting to know what we were doing, where we were, wanting maps of our locations, because she felt we were engaging sexually behind her back.

I finally broke down early this month. I stated again that I felt I wasn't being treated fairly. No one was asking me how I felt about the constant rule changes. I ended the relationship, because I was starting to resent her.

Husband and I talked. I stated that I would love to continue a relationship with him. He stated he needed to discuss it with wife. Wife messaged me a week after ending the triad that she wasn't comfortable with me seeing husband. She isn't comfortable with him flirting with me, or expressing his feelings, because she's still deeply hurt by the sexual activity.

She still has her boyfriend. But husband can't date. I love husband very much and I don't want to cause him any more stress. So I'm staying by as a friend.

How do I move forward? Should I cut both of them off? This is my first poly relationship, so I do not know how to proceed.
 
You are being treated atrociously. Run, don't walk, away. If the husband wants to continue a relationship with you, it's up to him to stand up to his wife.
 
I finally broke down early this month. I stated again that I felt I wasn't being treated fairly. No one was asking me how I felt about the constant rule changes. I ended the relationship, because I was starting to resent her.
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So not a healthy situation for you. And you chose to get out of it. Good for you!

If you want to remain friends -- be friends only.

But to me?

Wife was say ok one minute and changing her mind the next. Which sucks. Her giving you mixed messages? That's letting you down.

And then it sounds like only YOU were holding her accountable. Like saying "Wassup with that?" You went to bat for the triangle side of (you + him).

Husband doesn't sound like he went to bat for the triangle side of (you+him). So he let you down too.

Sigh.

I don't think triads are an easy model to start with. They are basically 3 v's stacked up.

Where you are a shared sweetie hinge -- GF to both wife and the husband.

The wife is a shared hinge. GF to you, wife to the husband, and GF to some other Dude.

The husband is a shared hinge. BF to you, husband to wife.

When I'm not even sure they are ready to deal with being in a V.

Who knows what problems Other Dude is having due to mixed messages.

I think both wife and husband could do some personal work.


Suddenly, she wanted to know any and everything husband and I had done. Getting increasingly upset if it was something he hadn't done with her. He was making a huge effort to do those things with her, as well.
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Did neither you nor husband saying "Well, I see you WANT to know that. But actually, that's TMI private info. You can know safer sex is being practice. You cannot know TMI details. I'm sorry" to her? They don't sound detangled enough.

https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49

If you LIKE the "Queen Bee" thing as part of your kink or proclivities or whatever? Alright. Enjoy.

But if you DO NOT want to be in that kind of model, then you need speak up. Stop worrying about it like "Will they dump me if I say something?" and more like "Are THEY meeting MY personal standard for what *I* want in a polyship?" Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner.

Sounds like they don't make the cut for you. You tried, and time and again they let you down.

So... Don't try to date either one of them any more. And if being friends is too hard? Don't be that either. Esp if it comes back to more of this:

I finally broke down early this month. I stated again that I felt I wasn't being treated fairly. No one was asking me how I felt about the constant rule changes. I ended the relationship, because I was starting to resent her.
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Even in a friendship, mixed messages and up and downy is gonna suck. I rather skip it. I dislike drama.

Sometimes the body has to leave first. (physical leaving.) Before the brain and heart can follow and "leave too" and start to heal.

So consider going no contact for a month first to let the old thing of "lover" end and heal before trying this new thing of "friend." Don't be doing "friend" too fast just as excuse to hang around in their orbit only to pine away over something that isn't healthy for you. That's keeping your mind/heart there.
They can't "leave" because body is still there.

You gotta heal first from the break up, right?

Galagirl
 
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Wife is a complete mess. Sorry you had to go through all of that. If it were me, I would cut her out completely. As for your partner, I'm not sure about him. If he was here I'd tell him to grow a sac. He needs to stand up for his rights. If I was in a similar situation as you, I would probably opt for walking away. However, that is easy for me to say. But, this is a very messy situation with people who don't know how to do relationships at all.

As for you...you really need to stand up for your own rights in any relationship. Hopefully you have learned from this.
 
I second vinsanity. He said all I would.
 
vinsanity0 said:
As for you...you really need to stand up for your own rights in any relationship. Hopefully you have learned from this.
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Vinsanity hits it square on.


Don't even begin to try and change these people, they are who they are.

This messy situation illuminates some work you have to do on your own boundaries - clarifying your own values. People who have a solid feel for their own values and boundaries rarely have to even negotiate for their needs because they just don't get into situations where they are so grievously compromised. But few of us don't come ready-made in this regard and most of us learn only from experience. So now that you have had a good bit of experience, what have you learned from all of this and how will you do things differently going forward?
 
Consent in adult sexual relationships is important. But that doesn't mean the wife in a triad needs to consent to every kind of sex or dating contact you have with the male in this configuration.

What you and the guy do on a date is none of her business. What you call each other is none of her business.

You were very patient in this mess. You need to read the Secondary's Bill of Rights. It might help you have some closure about what went wrong.

https://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html
 
Run...

This relationship will never go well.
 
Polywog, you sound like a kind, thoughtful, patient, loving person who communicates well. I think you would be very good at poly relationships if you decide you like that relationship style.

But I would totally understand if this experience has soured you on poly relationships forever. This couple treated you like absolute shit! I agree with what everyone else has said so far.

It took almost FOUR YEARS before you were "allowed" to kiss the husband? And meanwhile, the wife has a boyfriend of her own? (Of course she does...she is a self-centered, hypocritical person who can't get a handle on her own issues).

One thing I'm confused about...were you involved with the wife's boyfriend as well as with the husband? I couldn't tell from your wording. (You might consider giving these people nicknames if you continue posting about them here).

The wife has no business being poly if she can't handle her husband doing even the slightest sexual thing with his girlfriend. And the fact that his girlfriend (you!) was also HER girlfriend (and therefore someone she should love and be able to empathize with) makes this even worse.

I suspect the wife isn't really strongly attracted to women, but couldn't conceive of another way to allow her husband to have a girlfriend unless she could also be involved with the girlfriend.

I'm sorry you had to go through this. This is exactly the kind of situation we're talking about when we sternly scold the unicorn-hunting couples who come here looking for their "third."

None of this is your fault.

I second the advice to RUN away from this couple. If you're at all considering staying with the husband, I think you need to be clear with him that he will actually have to stand up to you (and push back against his wife) if he wants to continue seeing you.

I think you can do WAY better than this husband and this wife, though. There are a lot of awesome poly people out there--you sound awesome and you need awesome partners.

Also, if you decide to keep being poly, here are a couple things to note down as red flags for future reference:

If you are allowed to be labeled "girlfriend" but not "significant other" or "partner." I don't think relationships need to jump to being serious right away, but rules like that before the relationship even begins? Just, no. Poly people generally WANT to have more than one significant other or partner. (I can see that you very kindly and patiently decided to accept this rule as a reasonable request because you wanted to respect the marriage of your good friends--but for future note, it's a weird thing for a poly person to say).

If there are a lot of rules about what you can and can't do sexually, and these rules are policed as closely as a Catholic school nun measuring the length of girls' skirts above the knee. You can do this sex act, but not this one. You can do this other one only if I say okay. You can do this one only if he does it the exact same way with me too! Nope, this is not how healthy people do poly. (Doubly so if those rules & permissions keep changing, and if the wife tries to gaslight you on whether or not she gave the permission that she did, in fact, give in writing).

If you're in a threesome but you aren't allowed to have one-on-one time with one partner. If being allowed to hold hands or hug one-on-one takes months or YEARS. (You know now that this is a major red flag).

If the couple would prefer you to be exclusive with them. You say it was your choice not to date others. That's okay. I know you loved them and were serious about them. But, keeping your freedom and autonomy, especially early in the relationship when you aren't even "allowed" to be alone with the husband, is important.

As for how you move forward? I would personally tell each of them (in separate communications) that you loved them and cared about them, but that they treated you badly and you want no more to do with them. Or, possibly just tell the husband and ignore the wife completely--I don't think she's going to behave in any reasonable fashion.

And then keep on living your awesome life, poly or not. (Well, pandemic aside...no one can have an awesome life right now). You will meet people who are WAY better than this couple (even if you can only meet them virtually for now).

And don't feel too bad about this. Your story is sadly common for triads. There also seems to be a common trend where a poly wife has a boyfriend of her own, but can't handle her husband having a girlfriend, even though in theory she wants him to be poly too. I have read many heartbreaking stories from the cool, thoughtful girlfriend who tried so, so hard to be accepted by wife who refused to address her own issues.

One more question, for my own curiosity: what is your age and age of the husband & wife?
 
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Ah, okay, I was confused about the part where you describe getting the "green light" for some sexual acts with the husband. Okay, so you were finally "allowed" to have some sexual acts but not PIV with the husband because the wife & her boyfriend were doing the same level of not-PIV sex.

Ugh. It's really frustrating that your sex life depended on the wife's sex life with her boyfriend.

It's very common for newly poly couples to decide that their respective partners need to "match." Wife & boyfriend do X sex act, so husband & girlfriend are allowed to do X sex act but not Y. This is common, but 100% not a healthy way to do poly.

Well, at least the age different wasn't TOO significant. They are only slightly older than you. Although I'm not thrilled that you were about 22 when they first approached you. No married couple should be hitting on a 22-year-old. The power dynamics are just never going to be in her favor.

Although the wife would only have been 24 herself, so I guess she married quite young. That could PARTLY explain why she's so immature.
 
Hello polywog04,

My first thought is for you to tell the husband, "Let me know if/when you ever become free to freely date me. Either if/when you stand up to your wife, or if/when she gets her own shit sorted out and stops telling you what to do. If/when that ever happens, I'll consider dating you again. In the meantime, I'll be dating others as opportunity presents itself, and as seems good to me." But then I think of the extraordinary circumstances we're all under due to this Covid-19 thing. Maybe the thing to say to the husband is, "I'll wait for you until we're no longer under quarantine. But once the quarantine is over, I will consider myself to have the green light to date other people, unless by then you have seen your way clear to stand up to your wife, or unless by then she has seen her way clear to stop interfering in your affairs." The point is, do not keep yourself tied to this man. He is not free to date you, and you deserve someone who is.

I'm sorry you have been through this. You did nothing wrong, you did not deserve to be treated as a toy, to be put on a shelf when you were not needed. It wasn't fair for the wife to demand that you be treated that way, and it wasn't fair for the husband to go along with his wife's demands. He is a grown-ass adult. He should know better than to objectify someone (you), regardless of what his wife (who also should have known better) had to say about it. If they won't stand up for your rights, then you should stand up for your rights. You can understand that the husband is under a lot of pressure, without sacrificing yourself on his altar. He needs to figure out what he is going to do about having an unreasonable wife. He married her. That was his choice. Now he needs to take responsibility for that choice, by figuring out how to handle her childish behavior. That is his job, it is not your job. Tell him to let you know when he does his job.

I hope the posts here so far have helped.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I was in a situation at one point where what happened in my relationship very much depended on the whims of his fiance. Looking back? Completely toxic for all of us and I will NEVER do that again.

I was in another relationship where I was the unicorn. She and I started out more intense then he and I hit it off pretty hard too. HE wasn't comfortable with sex solo with me though because he was naturally inclined to monogamy and just a worrier in general. Also not ok with me. Threesomes are fun but not for every time.

In your shoes? Tell him "I'm not comfortable being in a relationship where someone else calls the shots. What we do should be between us. She only needs to know that we respect any safety boundaries that she has. She does not get to determine if/when we have sex or cuddle or kiss if we are in a relationship. WE decide those things. I love you, but I can't be in a relationship where she controls everything. Please let me know if that becomes possible. "

In my situation (the first one), by the time he'd left his wife (they got married right before she forced him to choose between herself or me), I had other things going on in my life. When we eventually both were in a place to hang out again and see what we wanted, he had changed so much that I was no longer interested. SOME of the habits he'd formed would have been fine before I became a parent, but overall... It just wasn't meant to be. Did I love him? So much it physically hurt. Do I regret anything? Only letting myself get treated like garbage for a few months. You've been treated poorly for way longer. Time to get out and enjoy life!
 
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