Hello all,
I'm happy to find the group exists, but of course there is a group for every conceivable topic these days!
I think I’m in a quad, but with all the different terminology, I’m not sure. Regardless, I’m looking for a little bit of advice to make the best success of my situation, pulling from all of your collective experiences. This might be a long read for some of you, so I apologize for that.
My ex-wife and I tried opening up our marriage in 2018, which ended up imploding our marriage. Which is why she’s now my ex-wife.
Very long story short, boundaries were not respected, and she started sneaking around behind my back, until it became such an issue that our marriage broke down. There were deeper problems in our marriage before that. This was just a catalyst that finished it. We have a son together so we've remained amicable for him and I’m happy to say, six years later we have a very good friendship.
I am now remarried to a wonderful woman, Bree. We met at a time where we were both openly dating multiple partners. She too, had come out from the bad marriage that she thought was monogamous, but turned out to be that she was the only one practicing monogamy. After a couple of years without dating after her divorce, she went on a journey of sexual exploration, after living a pretty vanilla sex life up to that point, and found she quite liked it.
On the other hand, back in 2019, I started dating a married woman, Claire, who was in a ENM marriage. Her husband, Jamie, was never truly comfortable with it, and in 2020 we transitioned to a platonic but deep friendship. I have always gotten along very well with Jamie, if only on a surface level, as we never really got to know each other, but we’re always perfectly pleasant to each other when we meet.
At some point, he decided he was OK for Claire and me to make out a little bit here and there, so we started to do that, but not very often. A little bit of light fell around every 15th time or so we hung out. Certainly nothing regular, but our friendship always remained super strong, and we had a very active social life as a twosome, going to gigs and events etc. Along with her, I was also openly dating three or four other women at various times.
Things carried on like this for a while, until Bree and I were the only ones that remained, as all the other partners in our life dropped away. But I still fooled around with Claire from time to time. Bree has always been super cool about it. She and Claire had met on several occasions, and they get on exceedingly well, and she actually even acted as our realtor when Bree and I bought our home once we married, as she is a realtor.
Bree and Claire and I had always discussed the possibility of forming a quad with Jamie. It was an idea that we had batted around for a few years, but it never really progressed anywhere. It just kind of sat in the background.
Over the last six months or so, the four of us have started hanging out together regularly, and we have formed a really great friendship. Neither Jamie or I have many close friendships. We both have very high-pressure jobs and not a huge amount of downtime and have let previous friendships slide. Bree and Claire have formed a great friendship too, and all four of us get on really well together. We have gone away for weekends together, and we really enjoy each other’s company and friendship.
It was always Jamie that was holding up the idea of the four of us playing together, as he was very nervous and anxious about the idea. He was never fully comfortable with me and Claire together, and I recently learned. It caused him some anxiety at the time
About a month ago, I was having drinks with Claire, and I mentioned that Bree and I were considering exploring the idea of bringing a couple into our life, and although they would be our comfortable, safe option, we understood that Jamie had reservations, so here he would rather not proceed. Then we would be happy to carry on developing our friendship on a platonic level, and explore the options separately in bringing a couple into our lives sexually.
Claire went back to him. They had extensive conversations about it and apparently he finally discussed all the anxiety he had had around me and Claire back in 2019. He talked about all the pressure of his job and how life has just gotten to be too much. They made some decisions together about hi, changing his job and his stress. That was apparently immediately life-changing. He felt instantly better and they decided to pursue the option with us slowly.
This is where things took an unexpected turn for me. Bree and Jamie arranged a date with each other, just to get to know each other over coffee. We all agreed that nothing sexual would happen, but they could kiss at the end of the date, if they wished.
At this point, when they went out, I experienced intense emotions I was not prepared for. I was so naïve. I had focused so long on the notion of us being in this neat little box, I had not considered the impact of the two of them going out, dating separately, on the little quad, which, of course, is hypocritical. I experienced such extreme anxiety I realized it was bringing up many unresolved feelings of the betrayal from my first marriage.
I explained as best as I could that it wasn’t about ‘him’ it was about ‘another man,’ outside an environment I was not a part of. In a quad, where we are fooling around together, and even if we went into separate bedrooms, we are still essentially ‘together,’ and I still have the ability to hit the stop button if I need to.
I do have to say the three of them have been incredibly supportive of my emotions.
The four of us have met a few times and talked all of it through, and everything I was feeling. What surprised me the most was that HE got it. He was almost finishing sentences for me. Jamie told me the way I was feeling was exactly the way he was feeling back in 2019. I was describing things and he was pointing, and saying ‘YES. That’s exactly it!’ He was describing to the micro detail how I was feeling.
It was like a huge weight was lifted, and every little bit of anxiety has melted away over the last couple of weeks. I feel like I have worked through so many unresolved issues from my first marriage and feel brand new! The idea of the four of us has almost become secondary, and I feel like we have all gotten so much closer, emotionally, deepening our friendship. Bree and Jamie went out on Saturday night for a meal, then made out a little bit afterwards, and I felt no anxiety, whatsoever. Nada!
So, Claire and Jamie are coming over this Friday and the loose idea is that it may be "go time."
Firstly, are we a quad? We had a very enthusiastic discussion on Saturday about what the definition of what we are is. Jamie and I will be sexual with each other's partners. Our wives may potentially be sexual with each other, but it's not decided. But each of us are forming friendships individually with each other, as well as in a group. Jamie and I are going out for beers, our wives are going out for meals, and we are dating each other's partners.
Any tips on how to make this a success, anything we are being naïve about, and anything we need to watch out for?
I'm happy to find the group exists, but of course there is a group for every conceivable topic these days!
I think I’m in a quad, but with all the different terminology, I’m not sure. Regardless, I’m looking for a little bit of advice to make the best success of my situation, pulling from all of your collective experiences. This might be a long read for some of you, so I apologize for that.
My ex-wife and I tried opening up our marriage in 2018, which ended up imploding our marriage. Which is why she’s now my ex-wife.
Very long story short, boundaries were not respected, and she started sneaking around behind my back, until it became such an issue that our marriage broke down. There were deeper problems in our marriage before that. This was just a catalyst that finished it. We have a son together so we've remained amicable for him and I’m happy to say, six years later we have a very good friendship.I am now remarried to a wonderful woman, Bree. We met at a time where we were both openly dating multiple partners. She too, had come out from the bad marriage that she thought was monogamous, but turned out to be that she was the only one practicing monogamy. After a couple of years without dating after her divorce, she went on a journey of sexual exploration, after living a pretty vanilla sex life up to that point, and found she quite liked it.
On the other hand, back in 2019, I started dating a married woman, Claire, who was in a ENM marriage. Her husband, Jamie, was never truly comfortable with it, and in 2020 we transitioned to a platonic but deep friendship. I have always gotten along very well with Jamie, if only on a surface level, as we never really got to know each other, but we’re always perfectly pleasant to each other when we meet.
At some point, he decided he was OK for Claire and me to make out a little bit here and there, so we started to do that, but not very often. A little bit of light fell around every 15th time or so we hung out. Certainly nothing regular, but our friendship always remained super strong, and we had a very active social life as a twosome, going to gigs and events etc. Along with her, I was also openly dating three or four other women at various times.
Things carried on like this for a while, until Bree and I were the only ones that remained, as all the other partners in our life dropped away. But I still fooled around with Claire from time to time. Bree has always been super cool about it. She and Claire had met on several occasions, and they get on exceedingly well, and she actually even acted as our realtor when Bree and I bought our home once we married, as she is a realtor.
Bree and Claire and I had always discussed the possibility of forming a quad with Jamie. It was an idea that we had batted around for a few years, but it never really progressed anywhere. It just kind of sat in the background.
Over the last six months or so, the four of us have started hanging out together regularly, and we have formed a really great friendship. Neither Jamie or I have many close friendships. We both have very high-pressure jobs and not a huge amount of downtime and have let previous friendships slide. Bree and Claire have formed a great friendship too, and all four of us get on really well together. We have gone away for weekends together, and we really enjoy each other’s company and friendship.
It was always Jamie that was holding up the idea of the four of us playing together, as he was very nervous and anxious about the idea. He was never fully comfortable with me and Claire together, and I recently learned. It caused him some anxiety at the time
About a month ago, I was having drinks with Claire, and I mentioned that Bree and I were considering exploring the idea of bringing a couple into our life, and although they would be our comfortable, safe option, we understood that Jamie had reservations, so here he would rather not proceed. Then we would be happy to carry on developing our friendship on a platonic level, and explore the options separately in bringing a couple into our lives sexually.
Claire went back to him. They had extensive conversations about it and apparently he finally discussed all the anxiety he had had around me and Claire back in 2019. He talked about all the pressure of his job and how life has just gotten to be too much. They made some decisions together about hi, changing his job and his stress. That was apparently immediately life-changing. He felt instantly better and they decided to pursue the option with us slowly.
This is where things took an unexpected turn for me. Bree and Jamie arranged a date with each other, just to get to know each other over coffee. We all agreed that nothing sexual would happen, but they could kiss at the end of the date, if they wished.
At this point, when they went out, I experienced intense emotions I was not prepared for. I was so naïve. I had focused so long on the notion of us being in this neat little box, I had not considered the impact of the two of them going out, dating separately, on the little quad, which, of course, is hypocritical. I experienced such extreme anxiety I realized it was bringing up many unresolved feelings of the betrayal from my first marriage.
I explained as best as I could that it wasn’t about ‘him’ it was about ‘another man,’ outside an environment I was not a part of. In a quad, where we are fooling around together, and even if we went into separate bedrooms, we are still essentially ‘together,’ and I still have the ability to hit the stop button if I need to.
I do have to say the three of them have been incredibly supportive of my emotions.
The four of us have met a few times and talked all of it through, and everything I was feeling. What surprised me the most was that HE got it. He was almost finishing sentences for me. Jamie told me the way I was feeling was exactly the way he was feeling back in 2019. I was describing things and he was pointing, and saying ‘YES. That’s exactly it!’ He was describing to the micro detail how I was feeling.
It was like a huge weight was lifted, and every little bit of anxiety has melted away over the last couple of weeks. I feel like I have worked through so many unresolved issues from my first marriage and feel brand new! The idea of the four of us has almost become secondary, and I feel like we have all gotten so much closer, emotionally, deepening our friendship. Bree and Jamie went out on Saturday night for a meal, then made out a little bit afterwards, and I felt no anxiety, whatsoever. Nada!
So, Claire and Jamie are coming over this Friday and the loose idea is that it may be "go time."
Firstly, are we a quad? We had a very enthusiastic discussion on Saturday about what the definition of what we are is. Jamie and I will be sexual with each other's partners. Our wives may potentially be sexual with each other, but it's not decided. But each of us are forming friendships individually with each other, as well as in a group. Jamie and I are going out for beers, our wives are going out for meals, and we are dating each other's partners.
Any tips on how to make this a success, anything we are being naïve about, and anything we need to watch out for?
