I would love some advice-- reminding partner I am polyamorous

[explodingshortcake]

Hi, so I have a small problem and would love to have some advice on how to handle my situation!

I have been in a monogamous relationship with my partner (who is also my best friend for 10 years) for a bit over a year now, and it was kind of known that I am polyamorous from the start of the relationship. We haven't talked about it though, so I am not sure about how they stand to this topic. Now, I have also fallen in love with another person recently and would maybe attempt to try and open the relationship. Doesn't mean I would get together with that person, or with anyone in general, but I would like to have that conversation with them, just so I can know what my possibilities ans maybe boundaries are.

My issue is, that regarding the possible endings of the conversation, I might end up loosing them as a partner, for example if they say that they don't feel comfortable doing that, so I would maybe feel too restricted. I still love them obviously, so it would be really hard for me to loose them.

So now I am struggling with whether I should bring up this topic at all, or play it safe, meaning that I will be definitely able to continue my relationship. If I choose to talk about it, what should I say and how do I go about it? Should I mention the other person I've fallen for?
It would be great to get some opinions and maybe experiences

 

[Magdlyn]

I have been in a monogamous relationship with my partner (who is also my best friend for 10 years) for a bit over a year now, and it was kind of known that I am polyamorous from the start of the relationship.

I don't understand. They were your best friend for 10 years, and didn't already know for a fact, but only "kind of knew," that you were polyamorous? Why only "kind of"? Didn't they get to hear about your earlier poly relationships? Didn't you think it was very important for them to know you were poly, and that the mono relationship you began with them an entire year ago was probably only temporarily mono?

We haven't talked about it, though, so I am not sure about how they stand on this topic.

It is high time to talk about it, clearly and fully honestly.

I have also fallen in love with another person recently and would maybe attempt to try and open the relationship. Doesn't mean I would get together with that person, or with anyone in general, but I would like to have that conversation with them, just so I can know what my possibilities and maybe boundaries are.

Yes, good.

My issue is, that regarding the possible endings of the conversation, I might end up losing them as a partner, for example, if they say that they don't feel comfortable doing that, so I would maybe feel too restricted. I still love them obviously, so it would be really hard for me to lose them.

It sounds like if they do not want polyamory, you might go back to being "best friends," instead of romantic/sexual partners, yes.

So now I am struggling with whether I should bring up this topic at all, or play it safe, meaning that I will be definitely able to continue my relationship.

If you "played it safe," you wouldn't be able to be your authentic self, and would almost definitely grow to be more and more unhappy and resentful, which would ruin your romantic relationship, and possibly your valued friendship.

If I choose to talk about it, what should I say and how do I go about it?

I'd start by bringing it up on a weekend when you both didn't have to go to work the following day, so you'd have time to really open up and experience the fallout of "dropping the poly bomb."

If your partner has some kind of idea you're poly, it might not be such a shock, but it still won't be an easy conversation. Generally it's recommended to tell a potential dating partner you are poly before the first date, on the first date, or at most, the second or third date. Most people are mono and don't want to date a poly person.

Should I mention the other person I've fallen for?

You could include your crush in the list of other people you have dated polyamorously, I suppose.

You can't possibly be successfully polyamorous without full and skilled communication. What is your past experience with polyamory?

It would be great to get some opinions and maybe experiences.

Good luck! Keep us updated.

 

[GalaGirl]

I have been in a monogamous relationship with my partner (who is also my best friend for 10 years) for a bit over a year now, and it was kind of known that I am polyamorous from the start of the relationship. We haven't talked about it though, so I am not sure about how they stand to this topic.

Did you two ever actually talk about being monogamous, or did it just kind of happen by default? You’ve been dating for a year and have been friends for ten. It’s surprising that you haven’t had that conversation yet. That’s a pretty big piece of compatibility to leave unspoken.

It’s possible that when you bring this up and say you want polyamory, your partner might say, “No, thanks. I’d rather break up.” That’s a reasonable risk of dating — sometimes things align and sometimes they don’t.

Being scared of a breakup isn’t a good reason to avoid having the necessary talks to figure out if you’re actually compatible long term. I really encourage you to be honest with your partner.

And for future relationships — have these conversations early. Don’t wait a year to find out that you want totally different things.

If you choose to talk about it, you could say something like:

“Partner, I realized we haven’t really talked about what we want properly. Can we set a time to talk?”

Then, when that time comes, something like:

“Partner, I’m polyamorous. I’d like to explore dating other people. How do you feel about that? What do you want in a relationship? We’ve been friends for a long time, but I think we need to talk about what relationship structure we each want to see if we’re actually compatible as partners. If this doesn’t align, then I’d like to talk about a peaceful breakup and maybe transitioning back to being friends over time.”

I know that’s very direct — but honestly, dancing around it won’t help either of you. Clarity is kindness here.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello explodingshortcake,

I would start off short and sweet, something like, "Honey, I have been thinking about open/poly lately and I wonder if we could talk about it." You need to know whether you and your partner are compatible in that area. Also I recommend you estimate how poly you are. If you are 60% poly and 40% mono, then you could probably live monogamously and be happy, even though you prefer poly. But if you are 90% poly and 10% mono, then it will be much harder for you to live and be happy in a monogamous relationship. But really, aren't we assuming that your partner prefers monogamy? For all we know, he could be in favor of polyamory. So find out where you stand; have that discussion.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

Hi. Welcome to the forum.

I have a small problem and would love to have some advice on how to handle my situation!

To me, this sounds like this could be a substantial issue or problem because you would be rewriting the romantic structure of your relationship.

I have been in a monogamous relationship with my partner (who is also my best friend for 10 years) for a bit over a year now, and it was kind of known that I am polyamorous from the start of the relationship.

What does kind of known actually mean? That you’d enjoyed dating around in the past, and didn’t get too attached to any one partner, or you were openly in poly relationships? Whatever the case may be, it sounds like assumptions might have been made on both your parts as to how your new relationship would be structured.

We haven't talked about it, though, so I am not sure about how they stand to this topic. Now, I have also fallen in love with another person recently and would maybe attempt to try and open the relationship. Doesn't mean I would get together with that person, or with anyone in general, but I would like to have that conversation with them, just so I can know what my possibilities ans maybe boundaries are.

Why not make that the starting point for the conversation? "I’ve fallen in love with this other person. I hope I haven’t misled you, but I am a polyamorous person, which I'd assumed you knew. I’d like to open our relationship, discuss boundaries and logistics to explore this new person."

My issue is, that regarding the possible endings of the conversation, I might end up loosing them as a partner, for example if they say that they don't feel comfortable doing that, so I would maybe feel too restricted. I still love them obviously, so it would be really hard for me to loose them.

Life is too short to shrink yourself down to fit in a romantic model you don’t believe in. Love and compatibility are often at odds with one another.

So now I am struggling with whether I should bring up this topic at all, or play it safe, meaning that I will be definitely able to continue my relationship. If I choose to talk about it, what should I say and how do I go about it? Should I mention the other person I've fallen for?
It would be great to get some opinions and maybe experiences

First of all, have there been any kind of long-term commitment talks? Has the M word come up? Any kind of large financial entanglements… cars or house been jointly purchased? I think you 100% have to discuss this, for yourself, and so your partner has a clear view of what he or she is walking into moving forward-- basic informed consent.

Also even if you decided today the risk-reward was too great, so you buried it for a couple yrs, IMO, it will only bubble out a few yrs later when more entanglements have occurred, making things all the more complicated to honestly separate.

I’ve talked to many guys other the yrs here that were poly bombed after 7-15 yrs of a mono marriage that said if it weren’t for the house and kids they’d pretty much walk away. Some came from divorced parents and didn’t want that for their kids. Plus most didn’t like the thought of taking the heavy financial hit of divorce. So it’s "poly under duress," or "playing the game," until the kids are grown and out of the house. Either way, it’s not a joyful yes, but rather someone hanging on for other reasons.

I think you should mention the other person you’ve fallen in love with, because it’s a super-relevant fact. It's why this discussion is needed or is taking place. I think omission would be dangerous, because when you're caught, it would be viewed as a lie and or manipulative motives. Not a good start to a poly relationship, especially if your partner/spouse was reluctant to start with.

Let us know what happens.

 

[Jeambo]

You're confused because you know both options have their pros and cons, and they are incompatible, yet you still want the best parts of both without any downsides.

My advice is to bravely choose one path and commit to it, and let go of the other.

I'm also poly while in a monogamous relationship. Currently, I'm abiding by mono-norms and restraining myself from seeing others. It's hard for me, but it's not easy for my partner either. He needs to feel secure, but that's something I can never satisfy. We love each other, so we try not to hurt each other. That basically means me not to hurt him, because I feel little even no jealousy at all. It's not fair, but love, by its very nature, isn't fair.

That's just my personal choice. You might choose polyamory, and lose your partner. (It’s not the end of the world. You can still remain friends, and that's fine too.) Just make sure you truly prefer this option.

Don't try to invite your partner into a 'free trial' of polyamory. Even if it's possible for them to try poly, just wait, wait until they ask to do that. Respect their autonomy. I did that, and I lost my husband of ten years. He loved me, so he accepted my proposal, but it was an act of oppression for him, because he only did it out of love for me. Finally, he gave up the whole relationship because he realized I was acting like a predator. I truly was. So don't make that mistake if you don't want to be a jerk.