Ideas for intimacy in a Poly relationship where the nesting partner is not sexual.

[jderke]

Hi,
My partner and I recently opened our relationship to poly. She has gone on a couple of dates, which I have encouraged. I really want her to be happy. She is no longer interested in me sexually, which isn't a big change since we hadn't been very sexual in several years due to other factors. I'm not interested in other people but am comfortable being the platonic partner. I'm looking for ideas of how I can continue to feel special in this situation. Basically looking for non sexual ways to remain intimate.
Thank you.
J

 

[kdt26417]

Hello jderke,

Your partner isn't interested in you sexually, but is she okay with intimate, non-sexual touch? I am thinking about things like hugs, foot rubs, and back rubs. Also you could watch romantic movies together, that might be another way to be intimate without being sexual. I don't know, that's just a few ideas off the top of my head. Hopefully others will post in this thread too, with more ideas.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Openbook23]

SO many ways to be intimate without sex. Kevin gave some good ones, but if you are interested in touch, there are many ways to do that. I also think deep conversations are intimate, sharing your day, your goals, your dreams, doing things together, etc.

I would also recommend following Annie Undone on IG. She is a poly relationship anarchist, which means she doesn't differentiate those lovers she has sex with from those she does not. She loves all her partners, and sex isn't necessarily part of it. You might find that an attractive approach, but she's also just a cool follow, IMO.

 

[Tinwen]

I think that would be, from the very nature of being "special", very different for each couple.

It might help to think about what you two share. What are your common interests? Common history - perhaps some first times that can never be really done again quite the same way, like "her first time visiting Paris"? What's your common future? Do you have shared plans and dreams? How about rituals - stuff that you habitually do and really enjoy at the same time?

If sexual attraction is gone (btw., do you think it can't be revived?), what are the positive reasons you do stay together? Do you enjoy certain other activities? Does she love your sense of humor? Are you great roommates too? What are the many, many little things that you experience each day that are just born out of the interaction of your personalities?

Btw., maybe this is clear, but if you need some of the shared hobbies, plans, rituals etc. to be exclusive and "special" to you, that's a super important topic to talk about while opening up, because you two may not be on the same page. It is a common source of hurt when suddenly an activity that the mono partner perceives as "ours" is done with someone else. Also, obviously, putting restrictions on what can and cannot be shared with other partners doesn't work too well. What does work is (my subjective experience) a) making enjoyable one-on-one plans and sticking to them, and b) caring about what I need and what the diad relationship needs way more than about the other relationship(s).

 

[dingedheart]

Hi,
My partner and I recently opened our relationship to poly. She has gone on a couple of dates, which I have encouraged. I really want her to be happy. She is no longer interested in me sexually, which isn't a big change since we hadn't been very sexual in several years due to other factors. I'm not interested in other people but am comfortable being the platonic partner. I'm looking for ideas of how I can continue to feel special in this situation. Basically looking for non sexual ways to remain intimate.
Thank you.
J

Hi,

Welcome to the forum.

How long have you been married or together?

If your partner has withdrawn from any or all kinds of sexual stuff, is she interested in making you feel special in other ways? It might be a tall ask once NRE kicks in.

How or why do you feel special now? I think one of the universal truths of poly is people feeling the loss of being special. That's why people place restrictions on the shared bedroom, or “our bed“ or no sex in “our home.," etc., etc. It’s to preserve or replace "special." Have you thought about anything like that?

 

[jderke]

Hello jderke,

Your partner isn't interested in you sexually, but is she okay with intimate, non-sexual touch? I am thinking about things like hugs, foot rubs, and back rubs. Also you could watch romantic movies together, that might be another way to be intimate without being sexual. I don't know, that's just a few ideas off the top of my head. Hopefully others will post in this thread too, with more ideas.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thank you Kevin,
We do hug and I give her frequent back rubs. I appreciate the romantic movie idea. She still loves me, just not in a sexual way.
Thank you again,,
Jon

 

[jderke]

SO many ways to be intimate without sex. Kevin gave some good ones, but if you are interested in touch, there are many ways to do that. I also think deep conversations are intimate, sharing your day, your goals, your dreams, doing things together, etc.

I would also recommend following Annie Undone on IG. She is a poly relationship anarchist, which means she doesn't differentiate those lovers she has sex with from those she does not. She loves all her partners, and sex isn't necessarily part of it. You might find that an attractive approach, but she's also just a cool follow, IMO.

Thank you Openbook. She is hesitant to talk about future plans because she is exploring her sexuality and doesn't want to over promise. I will check out Annie Undone. I appreciate your suggestions.
Jon

 

[jderke]

I think that would be, from the very nature of being "special", very different for each couple.

It might help to think about what you two share. What are your common interests? Common history - perhaps some first times that can never be really done again quite the same way, like "her first time visiting Paris"? What's your common future? Do you have shared plans and dreams? How about rituals - stuff that you habitually do and really enjoy at the same time?

If sexual attraction is gone (btw., do you think it can't be revived?), what are the positive reasons you do stay together? Do you enjoy certain other activities? Does she love your sense of humor? Are you great roommates too? What are the many, many little things that you experience each day that are just born out of the interaction of your personalities?

Btw., maybe this is clear, but if you need some of the shared hobbies, plans, rituals etc. to be exclusive and "special" to you, that's a super important topic to talk about while opening up, because you two may not be on the same page. It is a common source of hurt when suddenly an activity that the mono partner perceives as "ours" is done with someone else. Also, obviously, putting restrictions on what can and cannot be shared with other partners doesn't work too well. What does work is (my subjective experience) a) making enjoyable one-on-one plans and sticking to them, and b) caring about what I need and what the diad relationship needs way more than about the other relationship(s).

Thank you Tinwen,
It's all sort of an uncertain future as she explores her own wants/needs. I'm just trying to remain relevant. She does seem to love most things about me and we do have great times together. I don't think anything can be revived romantically. But I don't know for sure. I appreciate the idea to have some exclusivity of things. That would help.
Thank you again,
Jon

 

[jderke]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

How long have you been married or together?

If your partner has withdrawn from any or all kinds of sexual stuff, is she interested in making you feel special in other ways? It might be a tall ask once NRE kicks in.

How or why do you feel special now? I think one of the universal truths of poly is people feeling the loss of special. That's why people place restrictions on the shared bedroom, or “our bed“ or no sex in “our home," etc., etc. It’s to preserve or replace special. Have you thought about anything like that?

Thank you for the welcome.

We've been together just over 17 years. She doesn't express much appreciation for me unless i convey that i need some sort of affirmation. She has acknowledged that she isn't good at that. She is interested in making poly work for us, though.

I did feel special for 17 years, until she conveyed that she no longer found me desirable sexually, was attracted to women, and may or may not be attracted to men. So our relationship is poly-platonic, I guess.

I should add that the last five years have been spent on her working on trauma, so the platonic part actually goes back five years.

I currently don't have plans to date others, but that may change at some point. I'm just trying to remain relevant to her because I would like to continue to be in her life. We have put the cart before the horse in that we've just started working on a poly agreement with a therapist, but she started dating about a week ago.

Thank you again for your suggestions.

Jon

 

[Magdlyn]

We've been together just over 17 years. She doesn't express much appreciation for me unless i convey that i need some sort of affirmation. She has acknowledged that she isn't good at that.

It sounds like she started taking you for granted, but you didn't notice so much due to the "frog in the cookpot" gradual nature of it. Is that right? We can all definitely tend to go on auto-pilot after a few years into a relationship.

Rather than going poly just yet, maybe it's time to focus more on your own relationship first. I am glad you're seeing a couples counselor.

She is interested in making poly work for us, though.

I did feel special for 17 years, until she conveyed that she no longer found me desirable sexually, was attracted to women, and may or may not be attracted to men. So our relationship is poly-platonic, I guess.

I mean, it can happen that desire wanes for a long-term partner, for an infinite number of reasons. And many of us are repressed bisexuals. But one can retain desire for one's male partner while going on to explore one's bisexuality.

In my case, my current partner's desire for sex has never been strong, and it's waned even more since she began taking Zoloft, which is necessary to treat her anxiety issues. She and I have been poly from the start, though, She also has a long-term male partner and they don't have much sex either.

While I do desire her, my desires are constantly frustrated. A top reason I date men is to enjoy their testosterone-fueled libidos (although I am demisexual/sapiosexual and have my standards for whom I will date). This doesn't replace my wanting to have sex with pixi, but it does take the edge off. And it takes the pressure off of her to "perform" (as she sees it), which ironically makes her more likely to have sex with me.

I should add that the last five years have been spent on her working on trauma, so the platonic part actually goes back five years.

Ah, I see. I wonder if she is also on antidepressants that dampen libido, like pixi?

I currently don't have plans to date others, but that may change at some point.

Let's see how couples counseling goes. What I am hearing is that your partner has been going to individual therapy, but meanwhile has lost interest in showing you enough affection/appreciation. You seem to be OK with less or no sex, though. Are you, really?

Are you aware of the Five Love Languages concept?

Words of affirmation
Touch
Gifts
Quality time
Acts of service

Are you getting enough of any of these? Which are your top priorities?

I'm just trying to remain relevant to her because I would like to continue to be in her life. We have put the cart before the horse in that we've just started working on a poly agreement with a therapist, but she started dating about a week ago.

It's perfectly OK to ask her to put a hold on dating until you get more of your own relationship sorted out. It's not a good idea to date others when your primary relationship is in a muddle. It's not fair to either of you, or to her prospective dating partners. "Relationship broken, add more people" is not what you want to do.

 

[jderke]

It sounds like she started taking you for granted, but you didn't notice so much due to the "frog in the cookpot" gradual nature of it. Is that right? We can all definitely tend to go on auto-pilot after a few years into a relationship.

Rather than going poly just yet, maybe it's time to focus more on your own relationship first. I am glad you're seeing a couples counselor.

I mean, it can happen that desire wanes for a long-term partner, for an infinite number of reasons. And many of us are repressed bisexuals. But one can retain desire for one's male partner while going on to explore one's bisexuality.

In my case, my current partner's desire for sex has never been strong, and it's waned even more since she began taking Zoloft, which is necessary to treat her anxiety issues. She and I have been poly from the start, though, She also has a long-term male partner and they don't have much sex either.

While I do desire her, my desires are constantly frustrated. A top reason I date men is to enjoy their testosterone-fueled libidos (although I am demisexual/sapiosexual and have my standards for whom I will date). This doesn't replace my wanting to have sex with pixi, but it does take the edge off. And it takes the pressure off of her to "perform" (as she sees it), which ironically makes her more likely to have sex with me.

Ah, I see. I wonder if she is also on antidepressants that dampen libido, like pixi?

Let's see how couples counseling goes. What I am hearing is that your partner has been going to individual therapy, but meanwhile has lost interest in showing you enough affection/appreciation. You seem to be OK with less or no sex, though. Are you, really?

Are you aware of the Five Love Languages concept?

Words of affirmation
Touch
Gifts
Quality time
Acts of service

Are you getting enough of any of these? Which are your top priorities?

It's perfectly OK to ask her to put a hold on dating until you get more of your own relationship sorted out. It's not a good idea to date others when your primary relationship is in a muddle. It's not fair to either of you, or to her prospective dating partners. "Relationship broken, add more people" is not what you want to do.

Yes, we sought couples therapy 5 years ago but the therapist said she had to deal with her trauma so that's what's happened for 5 years. There has been no other priority. It's too late to not go poly. I appreciate hearing of your experiences. I think it's just that the change is difficult. She has desire for sex now. Just not with me. I just feel like I am going to drift off into insignificance. Yes to antidepressants. I kind of got use to the no/little sex over the last five years. I think I, like everyone, just wants to feel special to someone. Just want to feel loved in some way. Any way. I will look into the five love languages. Thank you for that. I don't think anything will be put on hold.
Thank you again,
J

 

[Magdlyn]

Yes, we sought couples therapy 5 years ago but the therapist said she had to deal with her trauma so that's what's happened for 5 years. There has been no other priority. It's too late to not go poly.

So somehow while seeing a therapist for five years to process her childhood (?) trauma, she got the idea she wants to be polyamorous. Does her therapy have something to do with this?

Are you saying you are on antidepressants and therefore have no sex drive? You say she doesn't want to have sex with you, just with someone new.

How long has she been talking about polyamory? Does she know that polyamory means the practice of having multiple adult relationships with the joyful consent of all involved? You do not sound joyful. Quite the opposite.

I do not think this is polyamory. Where is the amory for you? You feel unloved, invisible, not special. It sounds like she's softening the blow of a breakup with you. She wants a soft landing, a new partner to leave you for. You don't have to sit around and wait for her to leave you, you know. If you don't feel loved, and don't want to participate in any kind of open relationship, you can be proactive, leave her, heal, and eventually find someone who will love you properly.

I appreciate hearing of your experiences. I think it's just that the change is difficult. She has desire for sex now. Just not with me. I just feel like I am going to drift off into insignificance. Yes to antidepressants. I kind of got use to the no/little sex over the last five years. I think I, like everyone, just wants to feel special to someone. Just want to feel loved in some way. Any way. I will look into the five love languages. Thank you for that. I don't think anything will be put on hold.

You can put it on hold. You can say, I do not agree to be in this relationship shape. I'm done. thxkbye

 

[jderke]

So somehow while seeing a therapist for five years to process her childhood (?) trauma, she got the idea she wants to be polyamorous. Does her therapy have something to do with this?

Are you saying you are on antidepressants and therefore have no sex drive? You say she doesn't want to have sex with you, just with someone new.

How long has she been talking about polyamory? Does she know that polyamory means the practice of having multiple adult relationships with the joyful consent of all involved? You do not sound joyful. Quite the opposite.

I do not think this is polyamory. Where is the amory for you? You feel unloved, invisible, not special. It sounds like she's softening the blow of a breakup with you. She wants a soft landing, a new partner to leave you for. You don't have to sit around and wait for her to leave you, you know. If you don't feel loved, and don't want to participate in any kind of open relationship, you can be proactive, leave her, heal, and eventually find someone who will love you properly.


You can put it on hold. You can say, I do not agree to be in this relationship shape. I'm done. thxkbye

Thank you Magdlyn. I appreciate the honest feedback. Love is a funny thing. I still love her. My personal therapist has said i've chosen an unhealthy hard path instead of the healthy hard path as you also suggested. Again, thank you for your feedback. I really do appreciate it/you.

 

[dingedheart]

Sounds like she’s been on a 5 yr journey to heal or figure herself out. How long has she been thinking or planning on opening the marriage ? And did that include you or were you just informed this is what I need now ?

I think you stated somewhere above you want to remain relevant in her life. If she’s done the prep work that should be her concern not yours. You shouldn’t have to fight for attention or time or affection. IMO 5 yrs of patience and understanding means you don’t need to dial up your game. I also think you should be looking to date and possible put that energy to better use. You can read all the books and do everything right and still get the I love you but not in love with you speech. I’d suggest NOT agreeing to anything in the belief you’re going to be seen as generous or a gesture of love or just being more agreeable to Win points because it will backfire. You won’t get any points and you’ll only hurt yourself.

17 yrs and kids involved ?

If I were you I’d start playing the long game on a divorce. Quietly talk to some attorneys, change beneficiaries, build a contingency fund, etc If things work out and you don’t need it …oh well. BUT if things go the other way you’re covered ….or you’re as covered as you could be.