If we're polyamorous, how can I be a distraction from him dating other women?

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polycurious123

New member
Long story short, I was dating someone with whom there was an understanding we wouldn't be nesting/life partners. However, we still loved each other and wanted to continue to be together while we both dated other people.

He told me today that he doesn't want to date me anymore and just wants to be friends. He said in the future, after he's met his nesting/life partner he would be very interested in dating me again. But, for now, he wants to pursue other relationships and thinks I'm a distraction from his search for a life partner.

We had a great friendship, fantastic sex, and when I joked about moving out of town a few weeks ago he was visibly upset and asked me not to move.

I was always supportive of his other partners, didn't act jealous or possessive. Help me understand how I could be a distraction? Or did he just fall out of love with me? Could NRE with his other partners be fueling the breakup?
 
He told me today that he doesn't want to date me anymore and just wants to be friends. He said in the future, after he's met his nesting/life partner he would be very interested in dating me again. But, for now, he wants to pursue other relationships and thinks I'm a distraction from his search for a life partner.
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I would take it at face value. He prefers to date you as a secondary when he already has a primary in place.

My guess?

  • He keeps pining for a primary partner because that slot is "empty."
  • You are there filling his secondary slot. So he keeps thinking about turning YOU into the primary person. (Does not sound like that it something both of you wants.)
  • So he thinks dialing it down with you would help him stop thinking about turning you into his primary. He finds these unwanted thoughts distracting.
  • He believes not having a secondary would help him get on with dating to find his primary person.

I might guess wrong though.

Galagirl
 
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Hmm...maybe. I thought the whole purpose of polyamory was to have many loves. He's dating other people, not just me. Why can't he still date me too while he searches? I don't feel like I pressured him or overwhelmed him. I let him lead the relationship at the pace he was comfortable with...then out of the blue, he said he didn't want to date me anymore.
 
He cannot date you because he thinks you are a distraction from his search for a life partner.

I think that's all the answer you are going to get from him right now. :(

Galagirl
 
Thanks. That makes sense. When he ended things he said he wanted to pursue things sexually with some other women (he already has another girlfriend, in addition to me). I didn't understand why he would need to end things with me in order to do that? Polyamory gives us the freedom to choose and we didn't have any agreements or restrictions.
 
I'm sorry about the breakup. The unexpected ones are especially difficult. I know you want answers, but unfortunately, sometimes they just aren't forthcoming. Be gentle with yourself as you grieve the loss. ((Hugs))
 
We did have a long conversation about it. I think maybe he just doesn't love me anymore, doesn't want to see me and is using that as an excuse. He kept saying "for now" and that he would love to see me again when he has a partner, which confused me. Why in the future, but not now? I think that was probably just to spare my feelings. But, then I unfriended him on Facebook and he sent me a text saying, don't hate me, let's not be enemies. Haven't heard from him since.


nycindie said:
Why not tell him you're confused and need him to clarify what he means? All the questions you have asked here are legit ones to ask him.
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I can understand his point if view. Finding a primary life partner is HARD. For anyone, but especially for someone who is poly and not compatible, LTR-wise, with the monogamous majority. It's unfair and sucks, but that goes double for poly guys, who tend to be seen as players and commitment phobic by a lot of women. Your guy has to fight against those stereotypes and prove himself as capable of being a committed primary partner.

A big part of that is time, attention, and affection for his potential primary. And he just may not have enough of that to go around right now if he's already dating multiple people. It's hard to find a primary/nesting partner when all you have to offer is one or two free nights a week.

I get how unfair and confusing this must feel to you :( especially since you've worked hard not to create rules or expectations that keep him from searching. But maybe its easier for him to redefine the relationship as "platonic friends for now" than to reduce his time/contact with you while still trying to maintain a relationship. Maybe he feels a clean break / time-out is easier and preserves the friendship better than letting the romantic relationship die of neglect as he gets wrapped up in a new partnership.

Can you see yourself enjoying friendship with him, without the dating part? If you can, give it a shot, good friends are rare :) If not, I'd step back, because while dating again in the future sounds great and all, there's no guarantee.
 
Thanks, you make a lot of good points. He says he doesn't have a lot of time and I was already feeling like our quality time together was limited. But, and I know I'm being a brat, he has time for the other women he's dating!

Blerg. If someone walks out of your life, I know you should let them go. I thought polyamory allowed us to have our cake and eat it too...

He wants to remain friends, but I don't see how we can transition from being intimate, romantic lovers to buddies. If he didn't have time for me when we were dating, how will he find time for me as a friend?


GirlFromTexlahoma said:
I can understand his point if view. Finding a primary life partner is HARD. For anyone, but especially for someone who is poly and not compatible, LTR-wise, with the monogamous majority. It's unfair and sucks, but that goes double for poly guys, who tend to be seen as players and commitment phobic by a lot of women. Your guy has to fight against those stereotypes and prove himself as capable of being a committed primary partner.

A big part of that is time, attention, and affection for his potential primary. And he just may not have enough of that to go around right now if he's already dating multiple people. It's hard to find a primary/nesting partner when all you have to offer is one or two free nights a week.

I get how unfair and confusing this must feel to you :( especially since you've worked hard not to create rules or expectations that keep him from searching. But maybe its easier for him to redefine the relationship as "platonic friends for now" than to reduce his time/contact with you while still trying to maintain a relationship. Maybe he feels a clean break / time-out is easier and preserves the friendship better than letting the romantic relationship die of neglect as he gets wrapped up in a new partnership.

Can you see yourself enjoying friendship with him, without the dating part? If you can, give it a shot, good friends are rare :) If not, I'd step back, because while dating again in the future sounds great and all, there's no guarantee.
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polycurious123 said:
Thanks, you make a lot of good points. He says he doesn't have a lot of time and I was already feeling like our quality time together was limited. But, and I know I'm being a brat, he has time for the other women he's dating!

Blerg. If someone walks out of your life, I know you should let them go. I thought polyamory allowed us to have our cake and eat it too...

He wants to remain friends, but I don't see how we can transition from being intimate, romantic lovers to buddies. If he didn't have time for me when we were dating, how will he find time for me as a friend?
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Maybe the other women he's dating are very casual and he can simply put them on the back burner while he focuses on new potential girlfriends. Or, maybe he sees them as potential nesting partners. I guess what I'm saying is - every relationship is unique and has different needs. If he feels your relationship was distracting him from his goal and the others aren't, well, he gets to feel that way. And make choices accordingly. I can see how it hurts, though :(

As for transitioning lovers to friends... I have gone from FWBs to friends with no "benefits". But I have never been able to make the friends thing work with someone I was truly in love with. Not much help :eek: I do think friend time is very different from partner time. It's less frequent. Less one on one. Maybe more activity focused (join me doing X activity!). And it feels less ... Compulsory? Not that we don't all try to find time with our friends. But there is a huge difference in telling a friend you're too busy to hang out this month and telling a partner that.

Feel free to ignore if this is too nosy but ... Why did you two decide up front not to go the primary partner route?
 
Not too nosey! You've given me such great insight!! I would agree that the others are more casual than I am with him (we have said I love you, he hasn't reached that level with them), but maybe he's met a few more that has potential and he feels like I soak up too much energy or he can't divide his attention and heart like he thought he could.

We're not compatible with what we want for lifestyle/family/kids. He was married for a long time and had his heart broken and has very specific ideas of what he wants in his next primary partner (much younger than him, super fit, health nut, but he hasn't really elaborated). I actually think we COULD be great primary partners, but I do recognize he doesn't share my values in some areas and that could be a problem long term. But, since we still loved each other, we wanted to give polyamory a try. And I thought this was a great compromise - continue to be in each other's lives.

I think, despite mutliple conversations where I agreed we weren't compatible long term, he STILL continued to think I thought of him as my one and only (even though I told him I was dating other people).

Does that make sense? Why does he care that I unfriended him on Facebook? He said, "please dont hate me, just because we're not in a relationship doesn't mean we have to be enemies."

Some friends think he wants to continue to use me as a back up/plan C, should his other lovers not work out.
 
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polycurious123 said:
I thought polyamory allowed us to have our cake and eat it too...
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No poly doesn't allow you to have your cake and eat it too. It just gives you access to more than one piece at a time.

Actions speak louder than words. What he has shown you is that he doesn't wish to be your partner right now. Leave it at that and move on. Stop beating a dead horse. If he wants you in his life he will make space for you. If he doesn't he wont.

Move on and find a partner who fits your ideal.
 
Unfriending on fb seems kind of dramatic, maybe? Comes across as angry?

Just because he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now doesn't mean he doesn't care about you or value you.

If trying to be friends is too painful, be honest about that. Tell him you need some time and space. Not to be enemies, just not friends right now. Maybe later. Maybe not.

polycurious123 said:
Some friends think he wants to continue to use me as a back up/plan C, should his other lovers not work out.
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Hmmm. Sure, that's possible. Kind of an asshole move if that's the case :cool:
 
Hmmm...I was on the other side of this - I was worried that being involved with me would limit Dude's chances of finding "the one" that could offer him all of the things that I couldn't (and that he claimed he wasn't really looking for :cool:).

His response was - "Enjoy what we have, enjoy me now!" That was 4 years ago - I am still enjoying him and he has decided that anyone that he would become involved with would have to be accepting of the fact that he is involved with me as well.
 
When I broke up with Guy, and months later when S2 broke up with me, the first thing I did was unfriend them on Facebook. Just seeing their names on my friends lists was too painful, and I needed to eliminate my ability to continually check up on them via their feeds. Guy and I are now friends only on the Facebook I have for my erotic romance author pen name (before I broke up with him, he was friends there, on my teen fiction author pen name's profile, and on my "real person" profile). S2 and I are still not FB friends because we're currently no-contact, and even if we weren't his girlfriend would forbid him to friend me.

I wouldn't necessarily see unfriending on FB as an angry move; sometimes it's the only way to protect one's heart after a break up, even if you and the other person intend to stay friends in real life.
 
Hi polycurious123,

It is hard to know why he broke up with you, we could guess many guesses but not know which of them was accurate. Maybe he wants to be available to exclusively monogamous women, so he must cut ties with the woman he was closest to? I don't know.

How do you feel? Do you think you hate him? Maybe you do, at least right now. That doesn't mean you always will.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
Unfriending on fb seems kind of dramatic, maybe? Comes across as angry?
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Are you actually serious when you say that? Do people really put that much stock in who is friended or unfriended on Facebook, of all things? I will never understand the degree to which people allow stuff happening on Facebook to affect their relationships.

I would think there are more important things to care or worry about. :confused: :confused: Do people who don't want to be connected with someone on Facebook or seeing their posts there anymore have to stay Facebook friends out of obligation? Or not to be misunderstood? Besides, if the OP is angry, that's okay.


_
 
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