I'm in an open relationship, my bf wants poly without having talked about this with me before. Please help

G

Gio

New member
Hello! Me (f23, Italy) and my long-distance boyfriend (m29, Brazil) agreed to have an open relationship. We met each other in Brazil, but now I'm not in Brazil anymore. We plan to see each other again in a few months.

For me, the open relationship always meant to just have sexual relationships with other people, because we were far from each other and we could not give that to each other. He was having some difficulties in accepting that I could see other people. I have, in fact, seen another person. Then I stopped, because he got angry and I was afraid to hurt him again.

He was seeing other girls. He started seeing one particular girl every weekend. He always told me she was just a friend. Then one day he spend an entire weekend with her in the house of his family (because officially she was just helping him bringing things there by car), even though i said that i was not ready for this to happen. Also, i asked for him to wait to see her again until we talked things through, just a few days, but he went to see her again anyway, and aggressed me verbally about it.

Now he has told he romantically likes her, as well, even though he always denied it before. He wants polyamory. He had always thought that our relationship was open in the romantic sense, as well.

He said that i am still his priority. She told me that it was clear I was always his priority. (I have talked to her, as well.) But I don't know. It just feels off. I know that we were wrong in not setting better boundaries before, but now we are here...

I am trying to accept her, but it's really hurting me to know that he can always see her, and never see me. I don't think polyamory can be established with these conditions, especially for people that have never done it before. A part of me wants to leave him, another part just wants to see him again. I feel that he loves me. He is sweet (just in some moments he gets angry) and caring and I dream of a future with him. But I didn't want a future of three. I tried to tell this to him, but he's saying that I don't accept him as he is, and it was me that proposed the open relationship.

Please be kind with me. I know that I was wrong in not setting clearer boundaries beforehand.
 
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...but I don't know it just feels off.
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Trust your gut. If you're not happy, then do yourself a favour and exit the situation. Plenty of other people out there, you will find a better match if you move on. Long distance is hard, I've been living it for a very long time, but you're right when you say you don't think polyamory can be established with these conditions. Don't build futures with angry people, they only get angrier.
 
"A future of three" doesn't suit you? How does he get to see other women, but you can't see others (men, I assume, but maybe women too, if you're bisexual)? That is sexist. If he gets to date others, so do you. What he wants is a "one-penis policy," if it is only men he doesn't want you to date. (OPPs are not looked upon favorably in polyamory, unless you are monogamous, or really just want to date other women.) He got angry when you dated others? So what? You're insecure he's dating a woman in Brazil, a long-time friend now turned romantic partner, and lying to you about spending time with her, etc. Why do his feelings, of anger, jealousy, matter, but your feelings of insecurity don't?

If you both honestly want an open relationship, polyAMORY actually, it HAS to be open on both sides, if you want that. He doesn't get to dictate that he gets to date as many women as he wants, and you just sit there alone in Italy for however long, until you two can be together full time.

How long did you date in Brazil? Was it over a year? I imagine you two are young, and you are finishing an education in Italy before you are free to be in Brazil with him. Is that right?

If you two are going to continue to be polyamorous when you do get together full time, it won't be a "future of three." It could be a V, where he dates you and the other woman. But you could have your own V too, where you date him and another guy. Likewise, his new gf/old friend might want to date others... or the two of them may not work out as romantic partners... Nothing is set in stone yet.

Or, if he continues to be sexist, and insists he can have two or more other partners, but you must be mono to him, you might want to leave him. He'll only be "sweet" as long as he is the sole rooster enjoying his flock of hens.
 
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Magdlyn said:
"A future of three" doesn't suit you? How does he get to see other women, but you can't see others (men, I assume, but maybe women too, if you're bisexual)? That is sexist. If he gets to date others, so do you. What he wants is a "one-penis policy," if it is only men he doesn't want you to date. (OPPs are not looked upon favorably in polyamory, unless you are monogamous, or really just want to date other women.) He got angry when you dated others? So what? You're insecure he's dating a woman in Brazil, a long-time friend now turned romantic partner, and lying to you about spending time with her, etc. Why do his feelings, of anger, jealousy, matter, but your feelings of insecurity don't?

If you both honestly want an open relationship, polyAMORY actually, it HAS to be open on both sides, if you want that. He doesn't get to dictate that he gets to date as many women as he wants, and you just sit there alone in Italy for however long, until you two can be together full time.

How long did you date in Brazil? Was it over a year? I imagine you two are young, and you are finishing an education in Italy before you are free to be in Brazil with him. Is that right?

If you two are going to continue to be polyamorous when you do get together full time, it won't be a "future of three." It could be a V, where he dates you and the other woman. But you could have your own V too, where you date him and another guy. Likewise, his new gf/old friend might want to date others... or the two of them may not work out as romantic partners... Nothing is set in stone yet.

Or, if he continues to be sexist, and insists he can have two or more other partners, but you must be mono to him, you might want to leave him. He'll only be "sweet" as long as he is the sole rooster enjoying his flock of hens.
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Actually, I've finished my studies, but I'm now in Italy to work, as job opportunities in my field are not great in Brazil, and also, a visa is really difficult to obtain. So, the plan was that he would come to Europe as soon as he had enough money. But all this situation is raising a lot of uncertainties about this, as well, and honestly, it would be very difficult to go on without a definite plan on when to see each other.

And, yeah, he never told me I couldn't see others. He says he is fine with it, but got irritated as soon as I brought to the table, the last time I went out with someone. I just stopped doing that, because I didn't want another reason to argue.

Also, the plan was to be open sexually, but not romantically, at least as long as we were afar, because it's very different to experiment with polyamory for the first time, and find equilibrium in it, at this distance. But you are totally right, all the situation is off.
 
Evie said:
Trust your gut. If you're not happy, then do yourself a favour and exit the situation. Plenty of other people out there, you will find a better match if you move on. Long distance is hard, I've been living it for a very long time, but you're right when you say you don't think polyamory can be established with these conditions. Don't build futures with angry people, they only get angrier.
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You're right... Also I think I would probably be better off with someone that respected my boundaries a little more, or at least could have a conversation about them without getting angry. It's just difficult to break up, but maybe it's the only solution.
 
Long-distance relationships are super hard! And it's easy to imagine we can date others casually, for fun and sex, while we are apart, and then just take up where we left off when we reunite. But, if one or both of you are dating in your respective countries, what happens to your other partners when you and bf get back together? Do they just unceremoniously get dumped?

If bf comes to Italy any time soon (or if it takes a good while), is it likely he will be fine with leaving behind his long-term friend/now lover person, just like that? Won't he have been forming bonds with her for the months or years he is saving money to pull up roots and go clear across the ocean, into a whole new culture, to be with you? That doesn't sound easy or really practical.

Also, I am not sure if I am reading you right, but ARE you dating other men now, and just not telling bf about it, to avoid more arguments, on top of whatever else you are arguing about? Polyamory can't work unless each partner is aware the other person is dating, and is absolutely fine with it. It sounds a bit like bf is telling you, "Rules for thee, but not for me."
 
No, I'm not dating any other person. I have asked him the same thing about leaving the other girl to come to Italy, like, in theory he should come in autumn. But I asked him if by that time the bonds with her will be too strong to let her go. He also informed me that he always told her that he already had plans with me. So I don't understand how this situation can be practical at all. I don't know the sense of this whole situation. I'm very confused, as well.
 
Hello Gio,

In poly, nothing should be done without mutual consent. If your boyfriend does not have your consent for him to be poly, he should not be doing it. As for being open, he agreed to that, so he should not be getting angry that you saw another person. Have you thought about breaking up with him? He does not seem to be a good match for you, he is not even an honorable person. Am I wrong in saying that? What are some of his good points?

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
It does feel off from your description. Not worth the effort of resolving the long-distance cross-continents situation.
 
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