I'm in big trouble

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yul

New member
I'm in big trouble, please help

Big fight at home today trying to express my views on polyamory with my SO of 6 years. She is really freaked out and got very scary angry.
We've talked about it in the past, but I wanted to be very clear this time, since previously it was just beating around the bush.

We do threesomes once in a blue moon and I don't feel comfortable since she doesn't seem to like them. I also feel threesomes limit my options, since it always has to be someone we both like intimately.

We have been in and out of the kink/fetish scene for some years now, only watching. We also have some friends that like to talk about sex a lot.

I try to tell her I'd like to pursue consensual and respectful polyamory, but she says she can't accept anything other than threesomes. She tells me I should be grateful for this, and that she will let me flirt with her female friends, and see their boobs occasionally.

It's really more frustrating for me than anything else. But she says a lot of men don't even have that.

I feel somewhat like I was lured by the kink scene and all the sex talk.

I tell her I love her, and do not want to hide anything ever, and that any partner I would have would be mutual friends with us.

The conversation went beyond what I had hoped for, when I started saying that quite a few people around me commit adultery and I hope I wouldn't have to do that one day. I apologized afterwards, since I would never hide anything from her.

Anyway, I have packed my stuff, ready to leave the house, since we may actually be breaking up now.

She got real mad and was screaming at me. She told me to go have someone suck my cock (which I don't even like... really).
 
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I am sorry your SO will not even tolerate a conversation on the subject. She obviously feels very threatened.

It sounds like you are faced with a choice of living life by her rules ~ or not. It's not a question of whether her reaction is reasonable or fair; it's a matter of this is the reality.

I myself am newly out of a triad with a couple, in which the wife went from fully encouraging the idea to full-blown jealousy, in which her husband was given an ultimatum ~ her or me. You know how that went. It was very painful for all of us.

With your SO not even able to discuss the topic, I don't see this boding well if you continue to push it.
 
Wow, I think you have to decide on one hand you have a limited open relationship and may have been based on something other than poly at the time. On the other hand, you have 6 years invested in the relationship. Are there aspects of your relationship other than this topic that are breaking down?

Tough choices all the way around. I see you trying to be open and honest, but I guess not everyone can accept this lifestyle. I have had a rocky road myself, where I was put out the door before I could ever even have the talk with a 3rd party in the secondary relationship, so I know it is difficult to just be shut out and not heard. A few years later, I am ok because of it, but I am a lot more cynical than I used to be.

Guess I am not helping but I can definitely empathize. Some people just won't hear beyond their little window of the world.

MG
 
I think she has been very clear, pointing out she already does compromise. In her mind, she has already met half-way. Doing threesomes, kink, or you taking in visual pleasures is as far as she can go. She has drawn the proverbial line in the sand.

So if her compromise isn`t enough for you, then let her go.
 
bookbug said:
i myself am newly out of a triad with a couple, in which the wife went from fully encouraging the idea to full-blown jealousy, in which her husband was given an ultimatum ~ her or me. It was very painful for all of us.
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*hugs on you*
 
So sorry you are having such a rough time, but I don't like this "begrudgingly giving" sense I get from your SO. Sounds to me like there would have been problems in your relationship with or without this happening over polyamory.

If she won't even discuss something that is obviously important to you, then I don't think there was much of a future there to begin with...

I feel frustrated. I feel somewhat I was lured by the kink scene and all the sex talk.
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I think you were too, my friend. I have known several people that have fallen victim to that ploy, and it always ends badly. *hugs*
 
By what you say, it sounds like she thinks she is the prize in the relationship for being a woman: "A lot of men don`t even have that." I would do like you did --- pack and go.

Best wishes.
 
Someone needs to really explain to me why she's a villain for not wanting the same things. He could be seen as much of a douchebag for 'beating around the bush' all the time, and wasting her time waiting for her to 'change.'

Expecting or planning for another party to change tends to be relationship suicide, no matter the direction.

They don`t want the same things. So, move on to someone who does. No use trashing each other over it, or listening to outsiders do it for you.
 
yul said:
She also tells me I should be grateful about this, and that she will let me...
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This is the part that would have me headed for the door. She doesn't "let" you do anything. You choose how you will limit yourself for the benefit of your relationships. She can only choose what she does.

And if the threesomes have been truly consensual, you have no reason to be any more grateful about them than she would be.

It sounds to me that she feels quite entitled, in an unhealthy fashion.
 
Ugh. Anyway... it's been a long weekend. I have moved my stuff in the guest room and she is declaring me unsafe (STD). She says we are still lovers, yet will not engage in any sexual relating with me at this point. She has lost all desire for me. Se wants me to pursue other women, since that is what I want. On her side, she will also go look for someone that will make her feel special. She says we need to try this and see how things go.

For my part, I am pretty much done with her, I guess. This went way too far, with too much drama. :(
 
Is this woman also your Dom? I only ask because it seems odd that she'd have the right to tell you that you're still lovers, but she's refusing you sex. Who is she, making declarations that you're "unsafe"? If I were you, I'd be out the door and not let her dictate to me how our relationship was going to end.
 
She is not my domme. We do not engage in BDSM whatsoever. She does have tendencies.

Anyway... ugh. I told her I would not accept that, and that we were nothing but friends at this point. Thanks for your help.
 
SourGirl said:
Someone needs to really explain to me why she`s a villain for not wanting the same things. He could be seen as much of a douchebag for 'beating around the bush' all the time, and wasting her time waiting for her to 'change.'
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I didn't get the impression in anyone's posts that she's being made out as the villain.

He also didn't say that he is waiting for her to change. We don't know exactly what "beating around the bush" was, but telling your partner that you're polyamorous can be really terrifying, and it can easily take people a long time to get to the core of it. That doesn't make him a douchebag. Nor is name calling ever helpful.
 
SchrodingersCat said:
I didn't get the impression in anyone's posts that she's being made out as the villain.

He also didn't say that he is waiting for her to change. We don't know exactly what "beating around the bush" was, but telling your partner that you're polyamorous can be really terrifying, and it can easily take people a long time to get to the core of it. That doesn't make him a douchebag. Nor is name calling ever helpful.
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SC, I usually appreciate your opposite views, but you're out to lunch on this one. You cannot point out to me that nobody actually called her a villain, and then turn around and say I named called, when I said he could be seen as one. Make up your mind.

I guess the point of my post was more to the effect that it takes two to tango. If she can be seen as a bossy, he could be seen as a douchebag. Fault lies in both, it`s never one-sided, no matter how scared a new polyamorous person is.
 
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