I’m new, need advice…

E

elyred77

New member
Hello to all. I am new to this world and try to gain as much knowledge from things I find on the internet. Thought to give this a try and get real life advice from others who are likeminded. I’ve done a lot of work on myself and am constantly trying to grow my mind to be open and have understanding.

I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months, and really early on I found out he was talking to many other woman at the same time, sending pics and calling them, but never meeting with them. Coming from a monogamous mindset, I found it to be wrong and felt betrayed. He promised not to do it again and ofc I caught him two more times.

Having had past relationships where I’ve been cheated on, and not tolerating it, I took a moment to reflect and said, Was it me? Not enough? Typical rabbit hole we start to go down. I refused to continue to allow the thoughts and said, Why don’t I try to open our relationship to a certain extent? His reasoning was that he felt he needed certain attention and liked the fantasy. So I proposed he continue to talk to other women, but to an extent (nothing physical, just not there yet, don’t know if I could be). I don’t talk to other men, although it would be fair. So, so it’s just him.

I also asked that he show me who he is taking to, share pics. We may be able to join together and just include me, not make me feel excluded. It’s been like three weeks and there hasn’t been any sharing. Feel like I’m at a lost. Would like this work. Any advice?
 
Hello elyred77,

You have to realize that you can't force your boyfriend to stop cheating on you, he seems to get off on the thrill of secrecy and on doing something he's not supposed to. By asking him to tell you whom he is talking to, and accepting the behavior, you are removing the thrill he seeks. I believe this is why he is cheating on you, even after you offered him this compromise. It's nice that you want this to work, but you can't carry the whole load. He has to want this to work as well. Your feelings don't seem to matter much to him, and I guess my advice is, think long and hard about what you're willing to tolerate in this relationship, before seven months becomes seven years.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
I’m sorry your boyfriend is cheating. After 7 months, I would leave. The hallmark of polyamory is being ethical, and he’s shown you he’s not willing to be honest at all.
 
Coming from a monogamous mindset, I found it to be wrong and felt betrayed. He promised not to do it again and ofc I caught him two more times.
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I'm sorry he promised to stop and now he's cheating on that promise/shared agreement.

So I proposed he continue to talk to other women, but to an extent (nothing physical, just not there yet, don’t know if I could be). I don’t talk to other men, although it would be fair. So, so it’s just him.

I also asked that he show me who he is taking to, share pics. We may be able to join together and just include me, not make me feel excluded. It’s been like three weeks and there hasn’t been any sharing. Feel like I’m at a lost. Would like this work. Any advice?
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I see you tried to renegotiate to something keepable and so far he's not keeping up with that either.

If he fails to keep promises or cheats on shared agreements in monogamy, what makes you think he's going to keep his word in polyamory and not cheat on poly promises or poly agreements? It's not the shape of the relationship model that keeps people honest so they keep their word. It's the character of the person.

It's only been 7 months. That's not a whole lot of time invested. It's okay to let it go and move on. If you wanted to do polyamory, you could do it with ethical people who DO keep their promises and don't do this sort of behavior.

I'm sorry, though. :( It sounds painful and supper disappointing that this BF behaves like this. You deserve way better. You deserve to be treated well in your relationships.

Galagirl
 
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I moved this thread to the Poly Relationships Corner, since you are specifically asking for advice. General the blog section is more for just general personal journaling, with minimal feedback given.
 
I noted that the OP didn't say her bf was cheating on her. She said she'd been cheated on in prior relationships. This time, she consents to her bf talking to other women. She requested he share pix. And maybe she wants to be "included" somehow in his connections with other women. How to include her, I am not clear on. "So far, 3 weeks, there hasn't been any sharing."

In poly, a couple doesn't need to share anything about the other people they date except to acknowledge they are having sex and practicing safer sex. It is polite to make enough time for each partner. It is nice to schedule dates so everyone involved feels respected and satisfied.

I just don't see any "cheating" here. Elyred, you just want to see pix of all the women your bf is chatting with? Maybe he doesn't really want you to intrude that much. Personally, I don't need to see pix of the women my bf is talking to as he seeks other partners. I'm just not that interested in anyone he dates unless it becomes a real relationship. So few dating prospects work out, it's just a waste of my energy to get too invested.

Do you want to see pix of these women's faces and bodies to compare them to yourself, and see how you measure up? Do you feel you want to be friends with these random women? What exactly are your needs and motivations?
 
Maybe that's all he does. Maybe he has no interest in these other women at all. It's for attention and fantasy.

I know you asked to see who he is talking to and to even participate but maybe he doesn't want you to participate. He's trying to boost his own ego. If this is something he's done alone for years it might be his dirty little secret and he wants to keep it that way.

People have been programmed their entire lives about what's okay and what's not. Many times it is hard to switch from hiding something that's been hidden for years or even decades to being open and honest about it. Sometimes it's the taboo that makes it hot.

I'm not saying him hiding this from you is okay, I'm just saying sometimes the reason or thought process hasn't really been discovered. It also sounds like you requested to see pics and be involved...that doesn't mean it was an agreement. Did he agree to do that with you? I wouldn't agree to that as I wouldn't want my partner involved in my chats. I might share photos but that's up to me.

He's been doing this a long time, if it isn't actually negatively affecting your relationship, you could just accept that is a part of what he does and let it go.

Work on your own feelings of insecurity around this. He's just chatting and sending pics. When he actually dates or develops feelings for someone is a better place to want to know more, but it sounds like it wont become that.

If this is cheating to you, then you need to reevaluate the relationship and if it's working for you or not.
 
Magdlyn said:
I noted that the OP didn't say her bf was cheating on her. She said she'd been cheated on in prior relationships. This time, she consents to her bf talking to other women. She requested he share pix. And maybe she wants to be "included" somehow in his connections with other women. How to include her, I am not clear on. "So far, 3 weeks, there hasn't been any sharing."

In poly, a couple doesn't need to share anything about the other people they date except to acknowledge they are having sex and practicing safer sex. It is polite to make enough time for each partner. It is nice to schedule dates so everyone involved feels respected and satisfied.

I just don't see any "cheating" here. Elyred, you just want to see pix of all the women your bf is chatting with? Maybe he doesn't really want you to intrude that much. Personally, I don't need to see pix of the women my bf is talking to as he seeks other partners. I'm just not that interested in anyone he dates unless it becomes a real relationship. So few dating prospects work out, it's just a waste of my energy to get too invested.

Do you want to see pix of these women's faces and bodies to compare them to yourself, and see how you measure up? Do you feel you want to be friends with these random women? What exactly are your needs and motivations?
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No I just asked to see pictures and messages to get an idea of what it is he’s seeking. Not to compare myself at all. I’m just trying to make us work but I can clearly see it’s mostly one sided.
 
Bobbi said:
Maybe that's all he does. Maybe he has no interest in these other women at all. It's for attention and fantasy.

I know you asked to see who he is talking to and to even participate but maybe he doesn't want you to participate. He's trying to boost his own ego. If this is something he's done alone for years it might be his dirty little secret and he wants to keep it that way.

People have been programmed their entire lives about what's okay and what's not. Many times it is hard to switch from hiding something that's been hidden for years or even decades to being open and honest about it. Sometimes it's the taboo that makes it hot.

I'm not saying him hiding this from you is okay, I'm just saying sometimes the reason or thought process hasn't really been discovered. It also sounds like you requested to see pics and be involved...that doesn't mean it was an agreement. Did he agree to do that with you? I wouldn't agree to that as I wouldn't want my partner involved in my chats. I might share photos but that's up to me.

He's been doing this a long time, if it isn't actually negatively affecting your relationship, you could just accept that is a part of what he does and let it go.

Work on your own feelings of insecurity around this. He's just chatting and sending pics. When he actually dates or develops feelings for someone is a better place to want to know more, but it sounds like it wont become that.

If this is cheating to you, then you need to reevaluate the relationship and if it's working for you or not.
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Really appreciated your point of view on this. I am trying to work on myself, started therapy again. When I’ve brought up that he hasn’t shared anything he replies with saying this is new to him. Never been with anyone that would allow this. Seems it is a fantasy thing and he seeks attention, not that I’m not giving it (I know this for sure). I’ve asked if there are any feelings involved and he says no. He tried to make it a point that he is here with me and not going anywhere. He states he appreciates what I’m trying to do. I'm still deciding whether it’s truth, or some type of gaslighting (telling me what I want to hear).
 
elyred77 said:
Really appreciated your point of view on this. I am trying to work on myself, started therapy again. When I’ve brought up that he hasn’t shared anything he replies with saying this is new to him. Never been with anyone that would allow this. Seems it is a fantasy thing and he seeks attention, not that I’m not giving it (I know this for sure). I’ve asked if there are any feelings involved and he says no. He tried to make it a point that he is here with me and not going anywhere. States he appreciates what I’m trying to do, still deciding wether it’s truth or some type of gaslighting (telling me what I want to hear)
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Him texting other woman that he loves them, leading them on is a form of emotional cheating is how I was seeing it.
 
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