im new to this and want some advice

[zacheryt]

Hi im in a closed triad polyfi relationship with my male best friend and we refer her, our woman. We're all new to this and well id love some advice. Um i dont even what i want advice on lol we arent having any issues yet but we are very fresh and still hashing out the details but i plan on having a talk tomorrow with them about certian aspects as i know comunication is huge in any relationship. I know that certian boundries need to be set and there are certian issues that i want to address. I guess my biggest concern is we all have kids and i get mine every other weekend and our man has been in thier life for the last six months or so but our woman hasnt and i dont know how to go about things. And then theres my family how do i explain this in a way that sounds romantic because it really is i love both these people more than anyone which is crazy because its all so new. And its not a carnal physical attraction. I care tremendously about both their feelings and want them to be as happy as they make me. We've all been in minipulative relationships and we all want the same things for the most part. Idk its all very scary because now theres the possibilty of this happiness being taken away from me.... so ya any and all advice would be apprieciated

 

[Evie]

Hi Zacheryt

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship.

As for the kids, I'm not actually experienced in such matters, but instinct says that their age is of significance when it comes to explaining. I mean, if they are very little, you don't need to say much at all, they'll just adapt. But by 4 or 5 they'll need some explanation even in the broadest sense. A bit older and they'll need more info upfront to get their head around it. But let them decide what they need to know. In some ways it's not totally different to sex ed, and a 6 year old will ask questions you never even thought of while completely ignoring something you might have thought was important. So you might just start with "mommy and daddy used to live together when you were born, and now daddy lives with him and her, and loves them both very much." And then end up feilding questions like, "who takes out the trash?" I'm sure your kids will come up with their own unique questions appropriate to your living arrangements.

best wishes
Evie

 

[Dagferi]

It is impossible to really give you advice.

Every poly relationship is different. No two successful poly are the same.

For example I am the hinge of a v relationship. There really is no communication between my husbands other than the rare Hey how are you at kid functions or holidays. My relationships are kept very separate but equal. I do not believe in discussing everything to death in a relationship, setting up rules and boundaries, or etc. Sexual health is the only exception because that effects everyone. My guys trust me to do what is right there is no need to beat a dead horse. Other people can't handle my style of relationship.

I have school aged children. On occasion they come with me to stay with Murf (they are Butch's biological children). I did not allow Murf into their lives until we had been dating a while, 6 months to be exact. Then he was eased into their lives. Now he is like the fun parent...lol. My kids have obey his rules when we are at his house. Now I had an easy time because Butch was on board with Murf being around Moose and Squirrel. I know poly folks have lost custody of their children because of their lifestyle, or the other parent has made their life difficult due to their lifestyle.

There is no good way to come out to family other than just be honest. No matter how flowery you word it it is what it is. Your family is either going to accept your lifestyle or not. You already probably know how that conversation will go based upon your family's religious and social beliefs. Be prepared to lose them if they are conservative. I haven't spoken with my mother and father in 3 years over poly. They have nothing to do with my children. That is the part that hurts.

This is a hard relationship style. I could honestly go to jail over the way I live my life. Luckily the local government is too busy with other things to care who I spend my time with. Society is a crazy place. Right now honestly you sound high on NRE. Everything is sunshine and butterflies. My advice would be slow things down. Enjoy each of your relationships. Don't be in such a hurry.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Hello and Welcome!

I don't have any input on the kids question but I am the hinge in a MFM Vee with my husband and his best friend. (We are not a triad in that, although they love and care for each other as friends/brother-husbands, they are both straight and not sexually involved with each other - Although comfortable enough to be sexual with me at the same time on occasion !)

What boundaries are you considering setting? We have found that, as time goes on, the few boundaries that we had initially have largely become obsolete. We are not polyfi - so our current agreements revolve around safer-sex/contraception agreements.

In terms of family. Well, it really depends. Our families know that we all live together. We haven't disclosed the nature of our relationship but Dude is invited to family functions and I assume that, after four years, they can see how happy we are with each other.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

Yes, every relationship is different. I am the hinge in a polyfil V with two straight men, and have been for almost two years. They are not best friends but they are family and we communicate a lot even if we live in different countries. I will not disclose anything sexual between them but otherwise we are a family that shares most things. My guys talk to each other a lot, even if we most of the time live in different countries. Right now we are living all three together in Turkey for the summer. Our big, big rule is the every other night rule - I share their bed every other night, no exeption come rain come shine. They both get involved if I have an issue with one of them (texting me stuff like: I suppose he didn't mean it. Try to forgive him) and I am usually voted out, as they agree with each other 99 percent of the time we don't know yet where we will permanently live, but I have learned Turkish for 1 year and husband is starting to, and boyfriend is learning Norwegian. We have briefly discussed kids and there is an understanding that there will be kids at some point (when our economy is better, anyway). They are the loves of my life and I would do nothing to hurt them. That is part of the reason we have kept the relationship party secret so far, to give us the uppertunity to get close as a family before presenting us to the general world. But the official site of it in our country has been good so far - my boyfriend is even getting visitor visas as my boyfriend, despite that I write on the forms that I am also married - the didn't care about that at all, just wanted to know if I had met his parents! (I had) It is also perfectly legal to live together and there is a famous V with kids in my country that lives with kids and no problems.

To talk to kids about poly, I think the simpler the better. She is our girlfriend will go far. Or talk to them about what it will practically mean in their lives, or just let them get to know her gradually.

To explain it to your family in romantic terms, I have yet to do that myself, but the way I tell my friends is that is like regular love exept there are two relationships and three people to support each other. I am thinking about writing my family a letter, to be sure that I get to say all I want to say about it, or at least write down some keywords for myself. As of now, I am easing my social circle including my family into knowing that I travel a lot, learn language, have a "close friend" that I see and so on - it might make more sense to them when they connect the dots that I am in a regular international romantic elationship, exept my husband also sometimes travels and learns language, and that all three of us prepare very seriously for the future.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi zacheryt,

Re (from OP):

"It's all very scary because now there's the possibilty of this happiness being taken away from me ..."

How and why would it be taken away from you?

 

[Norwegianpoly]

How and why would it be taken away from you?

I can understand that feeling. when you have had something bad - i would not say i have been in a manipulative relationship, but definetely challinging because of all the trouble my sort of ex caused - and then you get something good, it feels unreal, like it can't be happening and somebody might take it away. I used to have very vivid imaginations of my boyfriend dying because I simply could not believe that I could get to keep him.

Even now, after nearly two years, I can get those feelings like I simply can't believe I have this life now and I get scared that it could be distroyed by family, money issues, state or fate.