Others have already given good suggestions. I only have this to add...
Do you have agreements around safer sex? You mentioned sex not even crossing your mind.
He's also telling her that he loves her now.
Did he tell you that? Some long term couples get into the habit of going to each other for EVERYTHING. Like got married into some kind of "CoupleBlob." When really a couple is still two individual people AND a couple.
Is he telling you TMI details right now? Maybe some agreements around communication are needed?
If he's in NRE, him going around gushing his lalalas at you might be off putting even if he's always gushed his lalas at you before about other things -- hobbies, tv shows, whatever.
Have you done
the work of detangling?
I know some people are so used to having the spouse be their sounding board for
everything from habit that they just take the spouse and services provided for granted. They don't seek consent first by asking if the spouse wants to even deal in this conversation. They just start inundating the spouse inappropriately with their polydating stuff assuming spouse is up for it any time night or day.
On your end? You might have been used to always helping him with his stuff as spouse/helpmate. But now that he polydates, some areas of his life
don't actually require your assistance and may bring to light that you were overassisting before. So it may feel weird to stop yourself and take a step back. "No, that's not actually my job." Or say "Hey, you know just because I'm your spouse, it doesn't mean I have to..." Or say "Hey, you know just because I'm your spouse, it doesn't mean you get to..."
It took him over a month when we begin dating to tell me he loved me. And although we knew each other all of our lives, even dated as teenagers, still took a little time for sex to come around.
That sounds like you comparing how he was in the past to how he is as a 38 year old. And maybe feeling worried that the new person is going to oust you from being important in his life just because right now, he NRE babbles at you, and he's hitting some milestones faster with her than he did with you, etc.
Every relationship unfolds how it does, and it's not going to be the same. Even him meeting you now? Would not unfold the same. Because you are not dating as teens but people in their late 30s.
How has he been up to now? What is his character? How does he treat you? Loving? Respectful? If his track record has been dependable, and he's just new hinge babbly? Maybe you could weather the transition time if he talked to you LESS because you can't be helping him with his poly changes because you have your own poly changes.
Well, two weeks ago, he asked me how I felt about polyamory. He told me there was a girl at work interested in him. She is married and they are poly. I told him that it was fine and he could see her.
And then this. Why did you say it was fine? What did you think it was going to be?
If you have realized you jumped in without really doing enough preparation? Best you tell him before they get too deeply attached.
Maybe it's a good time to think about seeing a poly friendly counselor to help you each navigate the transition time better if you plan to keep going?
I am really struggling. And when I say really struggling, I mean I am crying every day and I don't know if I can share him. I have voiced all of this to him.
Well, you are mourning several losses. The "old normal" is gone. The "new normal" isn't here. You have been caught off guard with some things. You might need some attention, care, reassuring.
You are also comparing and might need to reign that in some.
And then he might be oversharing details that just make your adjustment time harder. So he might need to reign in some of that.
I am really struggling. And when I say really struggling, I mean I am crying every day and I don't know if I can share him. I have voiced all of this to him.
What was his response when you shared all this with him?
Do you even want to be doing poly? Or is it that you don't want to be doing poly like THIS and need a time out to catch up on some reading, make some agreements, etc? Slow things down some?
At minimum while you are figuring things out, you could request no more new people. Like this lady, fine, she's already here. But you realized both jumped into the deep end without doing enough preparation work. So let's not be adding MORE new people til you both catch some stuff up.
Then read some things together while waiting to set up a counselor.
Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.
practicalpolyamory.com
To promote the private practice for Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse and to provide educational materials for the community.
www.kathylabriola.com
There's checklists from the book "Opening Up." The website is wonky but you can read the forms through WayBack Machine.
Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships
Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist
Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change
Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation
Maybe those help you think and have meaningful conversation with spouse.
NRE usually lasts 6-24 months. You do not have benefit of past experience to think "This again. He always gets NRE crazy for the first 4 mos and then calms down. What helped me last time was X, Y and Z."
Not only is it the first time with this lady, but it is the FIRST first, so you don't even know how to take care of you when he's going through NRE, and he doesn't even know how not to be annoying in NRE.
But if you REALLY don't want to be doing this? Speak up. Your consent to do this belongs to you. And best you say "Look, I thought I could, but I can't. I'm overwhelmed and I don't like it. I am not going to stop you if you really want to move on to practicing Polyamory. But I need to get off this poly bus. I can't travel down that road with you."
Because putting off saying it isn't going to get any better a year later, two years later. I encourage you to do some soul searching.
My 2 cents,
Galagirl