I'm sure I'm poly. But the world seems hard.

Simba38

New member
Hey everyone. I'm sure many if not all of you have probably felt this way at some point.

I've felt for a long time - years - that what I wanted was some kind of poly or open relationship. Exactly how that looks I'm not sure. But I know monogamy isn't right for me.

This week I ended a relationship with my girlfriend of 2 years because she didn't see things in this way or understand them in the way that I do.

I feel like I've done the right thing because we're incompatible in that way.

But since breaking up, I've spoken to her on the phone a couple of times, thinking that will help her in some way, but it just leaves me feeling worse off.

She's convinced that there's something wrong with me. Something that needs to be fixed or counselled or something. That this lifestyle I envision can't create true love or happiness. That the intimacy we had won't just be multiplied if there's more than two people. She also believes, because of those things, that I'll even be causing my family hurt and distress because they'll never see me happy.

It's just tough to listen to and to hear. Even though I know, and I feel within me that this is what I want. What I need.

I've said to a few people in the past few days that what I'm feeling almost feels like somebody in the 80s might have if they were gay.

That the world didn't understand what they feel, and wasn't able to accept those feelings to be true, or real, or just okay to feel.

My ex even said along those lines "how can the whole world be wrong and you be right?"

I know it's not the whole world. Because all of you exist. I know there are people out there who live this way and who feel these things too.

That's why I joined the forum. To hear from and know that people do exist like me.

I hope I didn't bore anyone with the details. I just wanted to share in a place that I felt would understand.

I know it's going to be harder for me to find someone - to find people - who want to live and love the way that I do and I accept that. It's just difficult when there's so much doubt being thrown at you from so many directions.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to listen if you got this far. I appreciate it.
 
She's convinced that there's something wrong with me. Something that needs to be fixed or counselled or something....It's just tough to listen to and to hear.

I know there are people out there who live this way and who feel these things too.

You've had your time with this GF and now that time is done. Stop talking with her if she's not a helpful, encouraging presence for you. Just stop. You two can send love to each other from afar. You had your years of her influence, now you be you. There are lots poly people in the world and even more poly friendly people in the world. Put your focus on the people who nourish you - there are so many! If living poly is important for you, you will find your people. Portland, Seattle, New York (to name only three cities of many) are spilling over with poly friendly people. Welcome.
 
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Ten years ago, I could have written what you wrote almost exactly.

My boyfriend of 4 years left me for a "real girlfriend" who wanted monogamy. He told me that what I wanted isn't a "real relationship" and that he and I had never had "real intimacy" at all.

(For the previous 4 years, he had pretended to be on the same page as me as we explored non-monogamy in a long-distance relationship, which had seemed to be going well, so there was an extra layer of confusion and hurt for me).

I considered him my best friend and was totally devastated. When I sought the advice of friends, family, and a therapist, I was told that my boyfriend's feelings made sense. How could I think an open relationship was a real relationship? Who would ever be okay with a relationship like that? How could I think intimacy was possible outside of monogamy? Why didn't I want to have "love and commitment" and be someone's "real girlfriend"?

The first therapist I tried even told me that something seemed clearly wrong with me, but she had no idea how to help me, and I should get a full psych evaluation. (!)

That year was the loneliest year of my entire life. But I knew in my core that I was right--that I wanted non-monogamy, that it felt completely right to me. I had to follow that thread toward a new life.

I did feel exactly what you feel--that the entire world was wrong and I was right. Because, frankly, the things my friends, family, and therapist were saying were ignorant and narrow-minded.

I eventually got new friends and a new therapist, and distanced myself from the negative members of my family.

I forced myself to try online dating and met people doing ethical non-monogamy. Eventually I met my partner of the last 8 years. He's pretty amazing! And I was right--being non-monogamous is totally right for me.

It was a tough journey though. I felt so lost. The feeling did have a lot in common with what queer people had to go through in past decades (and sometimes even now). Feeling like a complete freak. Feeling like I would never find love or acceptance. Experiencing stigma and shame even in therapy.

Find your people. Stop talking to your ex-girlfriend. Follow your thread to a new life.
 
I think we've all run into mono people who have that view. They will defend monogamy with an almost religious fervor. I agree with Karen that it is best to just cut ties with this person. It's not you, it's them.
 
Thank you. I know there are plenty of poly friendly people out there and I know I’ll find people that are right for me eventually.

Incidentally I’m on the other side of the pond in Liverpool haha so I don’t know what the poly community is like here but I’m sure I’ll find out soon enough.
 
Welcome.


I feel like I've done the right thing because we're incompatible in that way.

I'm sorry to hear about the break up. Those are never fun, even when it is the right thing to do because the incompatibilities are just too great.

It sounds like it is extra tough for you though.

But since breaking up, I've spoken to her on the phone a couple of times, thinking that will help her in some way, but it just leaves me feeling worse off.

It's kind of you as an ex to try to comfort her, but if doing so leaves you feeling UGH, maybe more time needs to pass before you try to talk? Leave the initial comforting to those in her support network instead? Have a period of no contact before you try to figure out if you are now "exes" or if you are going to try for "exes and friends."

It sounds like she's in pain, bewildered, and maybe dumping some of that on to you. Then that doesn't help you heal from break up pain.

She's convinced that there's something wrong with me. Something that needs to be fixed or counselled or something. That this lifestyle I envision can't create true love or happiness. That the intimacy we had won't just be multiplied if there's more than two people. She also believes, because of those things, that I'll even be causing my family hurt and distress because they'll never see me happy.

And it is ok for her to believe that. People are free to believe what they will. If in her heart she is monogamous, then something like that is unimagineable... FOR HER. Because it goes against her core values.

If she's never been exposed to other ways of living, poly will seem weird and foreign to her. She won't be able to get to "Ok, not for ME, but I guess ok for other people who want that" easily. Esp not in the midst of break up pain.

That's all her stuff. It's not your work or your job.

It's just tough to listen to and to hear. Even though I know, and I feel within me that this is what I want. What I need.

Then don't expose yourself to that right now when YOU are sensitive from a break up. Don't try to call and comfrot her. Let her figure out her post break up care on her own. And you figure out yours.

Poly people DO exist. And some do fine and some break up just like everyone else does.

Regardless of what type of dating life -- poly, kink, LGBTQ+, straight, monogamous, whatever.... some are going to go long haul. Some are not gonna work out for that.

I'm sorry that this one was not destined to go long haul. But I hope in time you both find healing and then peace.

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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Greetings Simba38,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

There is definitely a poly world out there, and you have come across part of that world: this forum. There are also local poly groups, and you may be able to find one that's not too far from you. Try googling "Liverpool polyamory," or even "England polyamory." And here's a few links that might help:

I hope that helps. It can be a lonely world out there when you are a polyamorist "without a tribe." Support for poly definitely exists, but the vast majority in this very mono world are strongly opposed to poly, and that will probably continue to be true for the duration of this lifetime. :( I hope you will find some relief from that opposition here (on Polyamory.com), and definitely follow Poly in the News, as that will give you an encouraging feeling, knowing that polyamory is being discussed out there, and is gaining traction.

You need poly support right now, this is a vulnerable time for you. The last thing you need is people telling you you're wrong/immoral/sick. If someone talks negatively to you about poly, don't talk to that person anymore about poly. And if that person raises the subject themselves and then proceeds to talk about it negatively, don't talk to that person anymore at all. This would include your ex-girlfriend, don't talk to her about poly, and if she raises the subject herself and then proceeds to castigate it and you, don't talk to her anymore at all. I know you are trying to help her, but right now, it's not helping you. Take care of yourself first.

Hang in there,
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Welcome aboard!
 
Meera Reed said:
The first therapist I tried even told me that something seemed clearly wrong with me, but she had no idea how to help me, and I should get a full psych evaluation. (!)

When I was struggling with knowing I was poly in a mono marriage, my first therapist was great. She was skilled at counseling all kinds of "alternative" people. I worked with her for 3 years and it was great, although I kept practicing monogamy with my ex h.

Later when I needed therapy again, that one wasn't on the insurance I had, so I tried another person, who told me "married people shouldn't get crushes," and tried to shame me! I dumped her after 3 sessions, right after she said that bullshit. I'd never known that a therapist would use guilt and shame as a therapy tactic. I thought that was religion's forte. lol
 
Simba, read the book Sex at Dawn, which makes a convincing and thorough scientific case that humans are wired to be polysexual and able to have intimacy with multiple partners, just like all animals. Monogamy is a social economic construct, and it's anti-woman, as is mere polygyny, which had been acceptable when women were seen as not fully human, and were literally owned by men, like slaves.
 
Thanks for the welcome everyone it means a lot.

I actually read Sex At Dawn a few years ago and really enjoyed it. I’ve read The Ethical Slut too which I quite liked.

I’m not sure how the quote function works here but I’m trying my best to respond in some way to everyone haha.

I have decided it’s best to leave any calls that come in from my ex for a while. And I’m calling and talking to friends and family every day who “get it” a bit more.
 
You have the right idea, seek supportive people, avoid those who are not supportive. I also would encourage you to keep on reading and posting on this forum, as you will definitely find supportive people here.
 
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