I'm The Hypocrite Now
- Thread starter Kittykate
- Start date
I have now been given the difficult choice after another talk of either hurting everyone and us going back to monogamy for awhile, letting them date with my hard limits and risking losing him because they don't follow them, or calling it off like I wanted in the first place for a few months. Either way everyone gets hurt and we potentially lose friendships, or I am the one who hurts. This came after she told my husband she is afraid to lose him and him telling her no matter what that would never happen. I am furious right now. I really don't know what to do. And I hate I got put into this position with everything going on right now. I honestly am ready to call it all quits because now I have been put in this difficult position all because I asked for time to adjust.
Candiedlove
New member
Kitty,
I'm sorry you're hurting right now. I've never been pregnant but have experienced pregnant friends.
I don't know what you mean by "calling it off," but I really think you should reach out to both for support right now. They've both said they love you. She's probably just freaked out right now, as suggested by her actions with your husband, that you're going to edge her out. That once the baby comes, she won't have any time with him.
Have you done anything to assure her she'll be part of the family?
I'm sorry you're hurting right now. I've never been pregnant but have experienced pregnant friends.
I don't know what you mean by "calling it off," but I really think you should reach out to both for support right now. They've both said they love you. She's probably just freaked out right now, as suggested by her actions with your husband, that you're going to edge her out. That once the baby comes, she won't have any time with him.
Have you done anything to assure her she'll be part of the family?
If every choice hurts? Could pick the one that stinks least for YOU then out of the ones being presented to you. Be decisive, true to you, and maintain healthy boundaries. Let the cards fall where they may.
If you want to withdraw your willingness to polyship? Vote no confidence because his behavior so far is ugh and trust eroding? You do not want to risk more shenanigans here if polyshipping continues? You could do that. Your willingness belongs to you. Could withdraw your willingness to participate.
If calling it off for a few months like you wanted in the the first place is on the table of options? Could go with that. But watch carefully if you pick that. This has been needless drama, IMHO.
How long a wait? A few months til you move out. Which depends on his check starting, which you anticipate is soon. You are not saying to wait ten years. Grown ups can handle waiting a few months for something they want. Where is the fire?
You were not saying no, never. You seemed to be saying to go slow, finish with with the moving process. Please go easy here, I am pregnant and grieving recent heartbreak. Totally reasonable requests to me. It isn't like you move states or are in mourning every day or are pregnant every year of your life. Not normal conditions.
He seems to lack empathy and compassion for you while expecting you to bend over backwards for him.
Galagirl
If you want to withdraw your willingness to polyship? Vote no confidence because his behavior so far is ugh and trust eroding? You do not want to risk more shenanigans here if polyshipping continues? You could do that. Your willingness belongs to you. Could withdraw your willingness to participate.
If calling it off for a few months like you wanted in the the first place is on the table of options? Could go with that. But watch carefully if you pick that. This has been needless drama, IMHO.
How long a wait? A few months til you move out. Which depends on his check starting, which you anticipate is soon. You are not saying to wait ten years. Grown ups can handle waiting a few months for something they want. Where is the fire?
You were not saying no, never. You seemed to be saying to go slow, finish with with the moving process. Please go easy here, I am pregnant and grieving recent heartbreak. Totally reasonable requests to me. It isn't like you move states or are in mourning every day or are pregnant every year of your life. Not normal conditions.
He seems to lack empathy and compassion for you while expecting you to bend over backwards for him.
Galagirl
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Yes they started today we found out but not anywhere near enough til December/January time frame. They only paid him half of he $700 he is supposed to be getting which they should've paid twice as much so we are having to figure out and go around with them on what the hell happened. And I pretty much told them I wanted to wait a few months and now everyone is so hurt and it's been all about how they feel and how hurt they are and how in love they were. They don't hate me they say but with how they are acting I am pretty sure everyone hates me because I couldn't handle all this. My husband said I was jealous and that this is only happening because for once he found someone he's happy with and I am not used to seeing it. She sent me a long facebook message saying the same pretty much as well.
Why was it even offered on the menu if it wasn't really an option they each were prepared to deal with? To wait a few months and then date properly? If not actually willing to deal in it each could not have offered it as an option. Just said "No, will not deal in that option."
Could only put out the things they ARE willing to deal in. If each fails to do that, and results to not serve them well, who is at fault for weak negotiating skills? Each one is. Not you.
YOU did chose an option that served you best in the situation. Good for you. Hold your boundaries.
Them basically handling and expressing their disappointment in petulant ways? I am sorry you continue to deal in that. I am sad to hear they choose to be dumping their disappointment on you in blaming ways. Rather than stepping back and seeing the situation is wonky in tight quarters and it could also benefit THEM to wait.
I hope the finances get sorted out and you can move and get that part of your life more stable at least.
I am sorry this continues to be a drag. Since you all live in her house the skewed dynamic is intensified right now.
I don't see why you have to be in charge of everyone else's feelings. You have your own to deal in. But if you felt like it you could say "I am sorry it's hard for you right now to wait. Thank you for being patient as the finances get sorted out, we can move, and you guys can date better from separate homes rather from constricted quarters. I appreciate it." Clearly they do not hear you from YOUR point of view. Maybe framing it with how it benefits THEM chills them out some in the meanwhile.
I suggest you could rethink dating her too -- she's sounds like she's got room to grow in emotional maturity. So does he. Dealing in the one you are married to is plenty. I wouldn't be eager to take on a second partner who also emotionally immature.
You sound like a sensible person -- you deserve better treatment than this.
Galagirl
Could only put out the things they ARE willing to deal in. If each fails to do that, and results to not serve them well, who is at fault for weak negotiating skills? Each one is. Not you.
YOU did chose an option that served you best in the situation. Good for you. Hold your boundaries.
Them basically handling and expressing their disappointment in petulant ways? I am sorry you continue to deal in that. I am sad to hear they choose to be dumping their disappointment on you in blaming ways. Rather than stepping back and seeing the situation is wonky in tight quarters and it could also benefit THEM to wait.
- HER POV: Have you guys move out, and then begin to date properly. What if they date and break up? Then she's stuck with her ex living in her house? Yuck! Waiting a few months serves her better.
- HIS POV: Have you guys move out, settle, so he, wife and kids have separate home. He can date her, and if they break up? He isn't risking his landlord kicking him out before he is ready and his whole family, not just him, being homeless! Waiting a few months serves him better.
I hope the finances get sorted out and you can move and get that part of your life more stable at least.
I am sorry this continues to be a drag. Since you all live in her house the skewed dynamic is intensified right now.
I don't see why you have to be in charge of everyone else's feelings. You have your own to deal in. But if you felt like it you could say "I am sorry it's hard for you right now to wait. Thank you for being patient as the finances get sorted out, we can move, and you guys can date better from separate homes rather from constricted quarters. I appreciate it." Clearly they do not hear you from YOUR point of view. Maybe framing it with how it benefits THEM chills them out some in the meanwhile.
I suggest you could rethink dating her too -- she's sounds like she's got room to grow in emotional maturity. So does he. Dealing in the one you are married to is plenty. I wouldn't be eager to take on a second partner who also emotionally immature.
You sound like a sensible person -- you deserve better treatment than this.
Galagirl
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I am pretty much done with being poly for a bit not forever just till my husband and I are able to work out our issues. Because right now I am furious. I get that feelings develop it is a part of being human but to act this way towards your wife the person you said youd spend forever with is upsetting to me. I feel like she was loved way more than me. I just want to tell them to grow up and get over it that they knew this was always a possibility with this lifestlye.
You say they knew this was always a possibility with this lifestyle but so did you. You knew it was possible for your husband to fall hard for someone else. Is it possible he loves her more than you? Of course there is, or maybe he loves her in a different way than you or she loves him in a different way than you do. Again all foreseeable outcomes of choosing this lifestyle.
Sorry VA goofed up the first payment you were supposed to get. I hope you can get that straightened out with them in a few months.
It's unfortunate that your husband and the other woman are both angry at you. I still don't think they're paying fair attention to the fact that you're handling a pregnancy and a baby. I realize it's hard to scale back a relationship once you've moved forward with it, but you'd think they could stand to do that for a few months.
It's going to be uncomfortable living in that house, and you'll need to get moved out of there as soon as possible. Good luck; keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
It's unfortunate that your husband and the other woman are both angry at you. I still don't think they're paying fair attention to the fact that you're handling a pregnancy and a baby. I realize it's hard to scale back a relationship once you've moved forward with it, but you'd think they could stand to do that for a few months.
It's going to be uncomfortable living in that house, and you'll need to get moved out of there as soon as possible. Good luck; keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I am so sorry.
He may not be able to help falling hard for someone, but I think he CAN help how he chooses to behave. In this case? I think he chooses to behave poorly toward you --- dismissing your concerns, ignoring, blaming, etc. Does not seem like a kind way for a spouse to behave toward another spouse to me.
Galagirl
He may not be able to help falling hard for someone, but I think he CAN help how he chooses to behave. In this case? I think he chooses to behave poorly toward you --- dismissing your concerns, ignoring, blaming, etc. Does not seem like a kind way for a spouse to behave toward another spouse to me.
Galagirl
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