In closed triad but one partner wants to be open

I

infernoid

New member
I am in a closed committed triad. Very recently though, one of my partners told me they would like to open the relationship to date someone they think they may have feelings for. This gave me some whiplash as we had not discussed what opening would mean, it's impact to the triad relationship. I had serious concerns for the person they were interested in as it is someone we are all friends with, and someone who had expressed to me that they don't do polyamory. I let my partner know that I wasn't okay with this as there are a lot of things to figure out.

When I spoke with the third in our triad, he said that he was asked the same thing and also had concerns about the dating and how it was approached. When he went to discuss it further, we found out that they only want to be open while they would would want myself and our other partner to stay closed. Also found out that this person did not feel secure in our triad, but did not bring these concerns up in our check-ins.

Myself and the other partner have since been frozen out and have been asked to give space while they figure things out.
How can I explain that opening up the relationship while we have serious relationship concerns to resolve, is a really terrible idea?
We have therapy schedules, but I'm not sure the best way to bring up that they are being toxic with how they are doing this and sabotaging our triad if they are not willing to talk about this.
 
This commonly happens when one member of the triad feels they are less entangled than the other two. So for instance, a single woman meets a married couple seeking a closed triad, she signs up for it, only to realise she, too, wants the security of marriage-like commitment. Or kids.

Could the person in your triad be feeling something like that? That could also explain why they feel it might be more equal if they also had at least one outside relationship. But if you totally open the triad, it just allows chaos. It can really feel that way.

I have also seen it happen in closed relationships which didn't start off with a original couple. And it was usually because that person was slowly moving on from the life they'd been leading. They wanted a general change.
 
We were open before, but the one partner(the one the post is about) requested that we be closed and committed. My other partner, and I had no problem with that. We've even made it as far as discussing moving states and having a commitment ceremony. It is possible that they feel less entangled, but we've done our best to communicate. We have open dialog and check-ins where any concerns or feeling ideally would have been brought up. It seems instead that all these feeling were bottled up and they have clung to the first new person to express interest. And I feel like I am being strong armed into accepting this without actually fixing the core issues.
 
Names need to be given to make sense. Let's call partner 1 Ocean and partner 2 (the one who wants to open), Sedona.

it sounds like Sedona hasn’t been honest with you, or isn’t being honest with you now. Wants to start a new shiny relationship with someone not into poly who is part of your friend group. (Let’s call them Cider).

As a friend, Cider is a messy person for Sedona to date.

issues:
Cider is messy and not poly.
Sedona wants to date and be open, but wants to prevent you and Ocean from doing the same.
Some dishonesty has come to light and needs to be resolved.

As a friend, have you or Ocean reached out to Cider to see if their feelings about poly have changed? Are they getting the whole story, or is Sedona lying to them too?

You definitely need to work out the dishonesty with Sedona. If opening the triad is okay with you, then you open it for everyone. Sedona can’t impose special rules for themselves. I’m betting this control and wanting separation of you from your friend Cider is because there is more lying going on. They might even be in a “monogamous” relationship.

All of this sounds very sketchy to me.
 
Ocean and I have both tried to reach out to Cider to talk, but have been ignored or been told that they are not interested in talking yet.

I'm hoping we can make it long enough to discuss in our upcoming therapy session.
 
Just another example of why triads rarely work out (past a few weeks, months or two years, that is, after the NRE wears off). We have hundreds of these stories all over this board. You can do a search for the word triad to read a bunch, if you think it would help.

My sympathies.
 
I'm sorry this is happening like this.

I'm sorry Sedona was not being honest at check-ins and now wants "open for just Sedona."

The thing is, Sedona CAN quit. Any of you could. Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to YOU. You do not have to give continued consent if Sedona wants to change the deal. So, if Sedona wants to quit doing "closed triad," they can quit. And they can go on to date whoever they want.

The question is if you still want to date Sedona under these new conditions. Maybe you don't.

(I will set Ocean and Cider aside. They have to figure out the same things. I'd rather center you as the original poster.)

The other partner and I have since been frozen out and have been asked to give space while they figure things out.
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Then give them some time and space, and figure our your own things, meanwhile. Wait for the therapy appointment to roll around. That's a reasonable sounding amount of time.


How can I explain that opening up the relationship while we have serious relationship concerns to resolve, is a really terrible idea?
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Why do you have to explain basics to a poly partner? Do you "carry" this relationship with Sedona a lot?

What are your concerns?
  • That Sedona is not being honest at check-ins?
  • That Sedona is open to dating Cider, who is monogamous?
  • Something else?
We have therapy schedules, but I'm not sure the best way to bring up that they are being toxic with how they are doing this, and sabotaging our triad, if they are not willing to talk about this.
Click to expand...

I imagine your feelings are hurt. What toxic behaviors is Sedona doing? Right now, it sounds like they're bungling along and kinda behaving stupidly, but not being especially toxic. Is something else happening that seems toxic?

It's ok to have a time out to cool off and gather thoughts for a certain time period. But if Sedonda is stonewalling and NEVER wants to talk, that's another thing entirely. Is that something you want in a poly partner, one who runs away/avoids conflict resolution?

You could use "I" statements in therapy. Just list the things simply, then put them in order of importance to you. If I were to guess:
  • "I feel upset when Sedona doesn't want to talk about relationship issues."
  • "I feel upset that Sedona hasn't been honest at check-ins."
  • "I feel upset when Sedona wants to change the relationship model to open triad so it's open for just Sedona."
I'm gonna ask something. I'm not trying to be mean or rude.

But this whole set up: has Sedona been unhappy in the triad, and hasn't been speaking up about it at check-ins because the choices would include being in the triad or being ALONE?

Are they wanting to see if they can go off with Cider and if it pans out "break up for real" and change to monogamy, but still keep the triad around for a "safety net" if things with Cider do NOT pan out? Even if not entirely happy in the triad, does Sedona figure it's better than being alone, with nobody?

Could something like that be going on? Maybe that's something to ask in couple therapy with Sedona.

If Sedona wants to be open, then it should be open for ALL of you. You are ALL free to date new people.

Whatever issues Sedona still has must be sorted, if you choose to continue to date Sedona in a new model. Otherwise could let the closed triad chapter end, and you choose to DECLINE to sign up for a new model called "open triad with Sedona."

It could be a poly V, where you and Sedona still date Ocean and you just don't deal with Sedona any more because that leg parted ways.

You have opportunity here to reassess to see if Sedona still makes the cut for what you seek in a poly partner, and if it is worth investing some more to iron out issues, or if you just want to call it a day.

So, reflect. What is your willingness? What are your abilities? What are the issues? Do you actually want to put more time and energy into solving them, or could this change go another way, where you and Sedona peacefully break up?

In case this helps you assess:

www.scarleteen.com

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.
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Galagirl
 
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Hello infernoid,

I can't think of a good way to explain that opening up the relationship while you have serious relationship concerns to resolve, is a really terrible idea, or a good way to bring up, in therapy, that they are being toxic with how they are doing this, and sabotaging your triad if they aren't willing to talk about this. You might say, "How would you feel if the situation were reversed? How would you feel if I came to you, saying that I want the triad to be open for me, but still closed for you?"

I hope you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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