In mono marriage but considering a triad

naomi1987

New member
Hi, I'm completely new to all of this and this is my first post. Please be kind!

I'm beginning to suspect that I may be poly. I've been married (mostly happily) for 6 years (togther for 15) to a straight man (let's call him Colin). I've never cheated, but several times during the course of our relationship I've developed really strong feelings for other guys (uni friends, work colleagues, etc.). I have never told my husband about these feelings and they usually fizzled out after a few months time.

Now, Colin and I have a lifelong friend that we've known for as long as we've know each other (let's call him James). He was Colin's closest friend at uni, we all lived together in a shared house in third and fourth year (while Colin and I were dating), we stay in each other's houses regularly and he has come on holidays with us before. He and my husband are very similar and get on really well, and I've always had a close bond with James as we share uncannily similar interests and he has always been very sweet to me. A couple of years ago I began to develop very strong feelings for James and I'm now beginning to suspect that I'm falling in love with him. Initially this terrified me and I felt that I was betraying my husband by having these feelings. After a particularly confusing trip to Blackpool with the two of them I decided to try and cut off all contact with James to protect my relationship with my husband. It didn't work and for three months I was miserable, resentful and constantly picking fights with my husband.

James doesn't live near us so because of Covid we have only managed to see him once in the last year (which was amazing fun) but we meet virtually for online gaming around 2-3 times a week and we have an absolute blast. We have set up a Minecraft world and it feels like it's our special place to hang out together as a three - none of us would ever consider adding a fourth member. I don't know if Colin knows how I feel about James, but he does know that we're very close and message each other a lot. He doesn't seem bothered by this or is ever curious about what we talk about. I also don't really know how James feels about me, but if pushed I would guess that he has feelings for me based on how acts around me (warm, affectionate and occasionally flirtatious). He lives alone and has never had a girlfriend (or boyfriend) even though we are all in our 30s, but he seems happy with his life and has (as far as I know) never sought a relationship. I suspect that he has issues with low self-esteem (he HATES being photographed) and is also probably somewhere on the autistic spectrum.

James and Colin have also become very close recently and Colin and I talk about him all the time. He once told me that his "happy place" was when we are with James and I agreed that that was mine too. It feels as though I'm only truly happy when I'm with them both together, and I'm starting to wonder whether my husbands feels like this too. None of the three of us want to have any children.

It's now got to the point that I feel I'd like to talk to my husband about my feelings for James and about the fact that I believe I'm polyamorous, and - if he's interested - whether he would consider us opening our relationship to include James. However I can see that this going to be a lot for him to take in and I absolutely don't want to hurt him. I have so many questions about how this should work, and I realise there's no "one size fits all" model, but I'd appreciate some advice on the following.

How do I explain to my husband that I have always been poly (and, by the way, am in love with his best friend) without causing him a lot of pain?

What do I do about my feelings for James if Colin isn't interested in exploring this with me? I feel that I love him very deeply and that this isn't just a crush that's going to go away. On the other hand, I value my marriage and I don't want this to end my relationship with my husband.

Is it a terrible idea to consider forming a triad out of a well-established monogamous relationship and an (outwardly) platonic friendship, rather than forming new relationships with other poly individuals (which doesn't really interest me)?

If my husband is interested in the idea of a triad, how on earth do we suggest to our friend that we are interested in a relationship with him? Is it even appropriate to be considering opening our marriage to include someone who doesn't have any kind of relationship history, and who may also be on the spectrum?
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Hi and welcome to the forum,

why not invite your husband to the forum and let him read your post. I think you did a good job of explaining how you feel and the new dynamic you seek. And from there you can hammer out the details and find out if James might be up for something like that.

Note to nitpick but is your husband and James indicated or expressed any bi interests toward one another. Because triads suggest sort of separate sexual relationships in all the configurations.

good luck
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Greetings naomi1987,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I would say to Colin, something like this: "Honey, I think I might be polyamorous. Can we talk about that?"

The only drawback, in saying that to him, is that he might be hurt by it. Not by the words themselves, but by the substance of the message. It might help to add, "You didn't do anything wrong, it's not about that. I think I may have been polyamorous all my life, and just didn't realize it until now. You see, I have feelings for someone. For James. I still love you, I always have. It's just that I love James as well. Can we explore that?"

If he says, "No," you say, "Honey, I love him very deeply, I don't think this is a crush that will just go away. On the other hand, I value our marriage, I wouldn't want to do anything that would put it at risk. I will put my feelings for James on hold. For you."

The only drawback, is that you might start to resent Colin eventually ... although I guess if that happens, you can revisit the original conversation.

Remember, poly can only be done when all (three of) the adults consent to it. You need Colin's consent, and it must be freely given by him.

If you do go poly, James is a good person to do it with. You know you can trust him, you have known him for a long time. Ask Colin if he would be interested in the idea of a triad with James. I don't see a problem with James being the other leg of the MFM V; you see, I am on the spectrum, and I am in an MFM V. I won't say it's always been easy, but it's always been worth it. Tell James how you feel, and let him know that if he would want to do poly with you, that you would be interested in that.

Good luck!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

naomi1987

New member
Greetings naomi1987,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I would say to Colin, something like this: "Honey, I think I might be polyamorous. Can we talk about that?"

The only drawback, in saying that to him, is that he might be hurt by it. Not by the words themselves, but by the substance of the message. It might help to add, "You didn't do anything wrong, it's not about that. I think I may have been polyamorous all my life, and just didn't realize it until now. You see, I have feelings for someone. For James. I still love you, I always have. It's just that I love James as well. Can we explore that?"

If he says, "No," you say, "Honey, I love him very deeply, I don't think this is a crush that will just go away. On the other hand, I value our marriage, I wouldn't want to do anything that would put it at risk. I will put my feelings for James on hold. For you."

The only drawback, is that you might start to resent Colin eventually ... although I guess if that happens, you can revisit the original conversation.

Remember, poly can only be done when all (three of) the adults consent to it. You need Colin's consent, and it must be freely given by him.

If you do go poly, James is a good person to do it with. You know you can trust him, you have known him for a long time. Ask Colin if he would be interested in the idea of a triad with James. I don't see a problem with James being the other leg of the MFM V; you see, I am on the spectrum, and I am in an MFM V. I won't say it's always been easy, but it's always been worth it. Tell James how you feel, and let him know that if he would want to do poly with you, that you would be interested in that.

Good luck!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

Hi kdt26417

Thank you so much for this, this is such brilliant advice, and you've summarized what I feel I want to say to my husband exactly. I wasn't sure if what I had in mind for us was even workable given that none of us have any prior experience with poly relationships. I do definitely feel that now is the right time to bring this up with Colin; as I said he has become very close to James himself and I do wonder if there may in fact be more to that than just a close platonic friendship.

Thanks for sharing your insight on an MFM V. I don't know exactly how a relationship dynamic might work between us yet - I don't want it to feel that I am just entering into a new relationship with James that might leave Colin feeling left out, I'd like him to be involved in this as well. It was really helpful to read your blog about your own experiences, and I'm really encouraged that you think a "brother-husband" relationship between the two men might work even if they decide that they are not interested in each other romantically.

It's great to hear that you don't think being on the spectrum is necessarily a barrier - it's something I've worried about as communication with James can sometimes be tricky! But we have all known each other a really long time and I think we all understand each other pretty well even if it's not always possible to put everything into words.

Thanks for welcoming me to the forum, I may do a bit more "lurking" as this is all very new to me and it feels like there's a lot for me to get my head around!
 

naomi1987

New member
Hi and welcome to the forum,

why not invite your husband to the forum and let him read your post. I think you did a good job of explaining how you feel and the new dynamic you seek. And from there you can hammer out the details and find out if James might be up for something like that.

Note to nitpick but is your husband and James indicated or expressed any bi interests toward one another. Because triads suggest sort of separate sexual relationships in all the configurations.

good luck

Hi dingedheart!

Thanks for your reply - I'm glad you think I've explained things well! I think just the act of writing it down has helped to crystallize in my mind exactly how I feel about this and how I want to move forward. I may not bring Colin to the forum just yet - I think the concept of polyamory is going to be very new to him at first and I don't want him to be overwhelmed.

I guess I don't really know exactly how Colin feels about James, so I'm keen not to pigeonhole this new dynamic into a fixed configuration just yet. I do think it's possible he may be developing strong feelings for him himself, but whether sexual, romantic or platonic I couldn't say. I think I'd be OK to just let them work that out between themselves and decide what they are most comfortable with. I guess I prefer the idea of a perfect triangle as it feels a lot more equal - but that doesn't necessarily mean that they couldn't have a strong, meaningful relationship that was nonsexual.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
I think coming out of a 15 yr relationship with a straight man and suggesting/ moving this to a poly triad it’s GOING TO BE OVERWHELMING 😲😲 It’s going to be really hard to cushion that blow. BUT good luck trying.

Clearly you have impressions or some vibes suggesting this bisexual dynamic is at least a possibility. I think you’d be WISE to let them work that out themselves. Intellectually you might like the idea of a triad or triangle but you might want to do more research and reading on the practical life of these configurations. We don’t see very many ( or any I can think of ) that survive long term. I sure someone will now come up with a name but I can’t think of any which doesn’t mean that shouldn’t be your goal but you might want to have a plan B Or C.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Dingedheart is warning you about the risks and feelings associated with "dropping the poly bomb."

Personally, whether they acknowledge it or are aware of it, or not, I think all humans are wired to be polyamorous/polysexual/promiscuous. Science bears me out. No animals are monogamous.

It's extremely common for people to feel romantic love or sexual desire for more than one person at a time. We repress these feelings because our society is set up around a one man/one woman marriage configuration. However, humans have not always lived so. There are polygynous societies, where men have more than one wife. There are societies (very few, in our patriarchal society right now) where women may have more than one male mate. There are also, of course, MM and FF couplings, and straight or gay people in relationships or marriages with transpeople. There are families where no one is romantically entangled, but are platonic life partners who may be raising children together. The list goes on, but you get my drift.

In our current culture, the patriarchy is crumbling. It has long been upheld by rulers and priests, but it no longer suits us. This is all because women and non-white humans have been fighting for equal rights for a few hundred years, and are finally gaining some equality.

The new polyamory is female-driven. It is a feminist concept. Many men are taken aback (putting it mildly) when their female partners or wives declare they want to date other men, have relationships with more than one man. Men tend to believe in the back of their brains that they own their wives or gfs. Another man taking possession of "their woman" even part time, is seen as humiliating, and the man can be considered as a cuckold.

So, those are some social barriers to the configuration you are seeking. Kevin has spoken on this before and said it took his "brother husband" a good year to get used to the idea of starting their V. Some men adapt more easily. But some never do adapt. It's too much for them to wrap their heads around.

Also, you don't know if your husband is bisexual. That's something else to dicsuss.

It's only natural, if you are attracted to men, to have sexual desire for a guy that you really really like, even love, and spend a lot of time with. This is just biology. You tried to fight it, but your body and your hormones (and we could say, your soul) did not like that.

It's good to get stuff like this out in the open. It's not going to go away. Colin may well feel hurt at first. It's not your intention to hurt him, of course. But he might already suspect how you feel about James, anyway.
 
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dingedheart

Well-known member
Dingedheart is warning you about the risks and feelings associated with "dropping the poly bomb."

NOT specifically this time 😝....but I have been know to do that .👍👍.

In this particular post I was merely trying to convey after a well worn path of 15 yrs and her concern that this will be overwhelming that waiting for the “ right ” moment or embarking on some covert re-education mission is likely to be a waste of time because what are the degrees of Overwhelmed. AND if the op ( hypothetically) goes on a 1yr slow roll program of changing hearts and minds it could come off looking really manipulative and shady and could cause more harm than dropping the bomb and dealing with the fallout.

So in summary ....I’d just drop the bomb and move forward building the new marriage or triad or whatever.
 
Hi Naomi, welcome to the discussion!

I recently had the bomb dropped on me, and it was painful. It was scary. I wondered if Ms Fisher was just trying to encourage me to find an emotional safety net, so she could leave me, guilt free, if she wanted. I think the best thing she did for me (aside from being honest and frank), was to keep my focus on what I wanted. As a monogamist, I was very hung up on what she wanted, and there is no healthy way into poly (that I can see) that doesn't move that focus from being compelled to please my partner, to being driven to find my own happiness and fulfilling my own desires. The monogamy trap is especially effective on deep lovers. It will be a roller coaster. For me, at least, it's been well worth the temporary crisis!
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Hi Naomi, welcome to the discussion!

I recently had the bomb dropped on me, and it was painful. It was scary. ........For me, at least, it's been well worth the temporary crisis!
SEE ....timing not such a critical factor. AND by the way if he has gay/bi sexual feeling buried deep this could be greeted with great relief and excitement and gratitude for your help in unburdening / denying those feeling all those yrs.

THIS could work out with you being celebrated vs scorn.
 
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