Hi, I'm completely new to all of this and this is my first post. Please be kind!
I'm beginning to suspect that I may be poly. I've been married (mostly happily) for 6 years (togther for 15) to a straight man (let's call him Colin). I've never cheated, but several times during the course of our relationship I've developed really strong feelings for other guys (uni friends, work colleagues, etc.). I have never told my husband about these feelings and they usually fizzled out after a few months time.
Now, Colin and I have a lifelong friend that we've known for as long as we've know each other (let's call him James). He was Colin's closest friend at uni, we all lived together in a shared house in third and fourth year (while Colin and I were dating), we stay in each other's houses regularly and he has come on holidays with us before. He and my husband are very similar and get on really well, and I've always had a close bond with James as we share uncannily similar interests and he has always been very sweet to me. A couple of years ago I began to develop very strong feelings for James and I'm now beginning to suspect that I'm falling in love with him. Initially this terrified me and I felt that I was betraying my husband by having these feelings. After a particularly confusing trip to Blackpool with the two of them I decided to try and cut off all contact with James to protect my relationship with my husband. It didn't work and for three months I was miserable, resentful and constantly picking fights with my husband.
James doesn't live near us so because of Covid we have only managed to see him once in the last year (which was amazing fun) but we meet virtually for online gaming around 2-3 times a week and we have an absolute blast. We have set up a Minecraft world and it feels like it's our special place to hang out together as a three - none of us would ever consider adding a fourth member. I don't know if Colin knows how I feel about James, but he does know that we're very close and message each other a lot. He doesn't seem bothered by this or is ever curious about what we talk about. I also don't really know how James feels about me, but if pushed I would guess that he has feelings for me based on how acts around me (warm, affectionate and occasionally flirtatious). He lives alone and has never had a girlfriend (or boyfriend) even though we are all in our 30s, but he seems happy with his life and has (as far as I know) never sought a relationship. I suspect that he has issues with low self-esteem (he HATES being photographed) and is also probably somewhere on the autistic spectrum.
James and Colin have also become very close recently and Colin and I talk about him all the time. He once told me that his "happy place" was when we are with James and I agreed that that was mine too. It feels as though I'm only truly happy when I'm with them both together, and I'm starting to wonder whether my husbands feels like this too. None of the three of us want to have any children.
It's now got to the point that I feel I'd like to talk to my husband about my feelings for James and about the fact that I believe I'm polyamorous, and - if he's interested - whether he would consider us opening our relationship to include James. However I can see that this going to be a lot for him to take in and I absolutely don't want to hurt him. I have so many questions about how this should work, and I realise there's no "one size fits all" model, but I'd appreciate some advice on the following.
How do I explain to my husband that I have always been poly (and, by the way, am in love with his best friend) without causing him a lot of pain?
What do I do about my feelings for James if Colin isn't interested in exploring this with me? I feel that I love him very deeply and that this isn't just a crush that's going to go away. On the other hand, I value my marriage and I don't want this to end my relationship with my husband.
Is it a terrible idea to consider forming a triad out of a well-established monogamous relationship and an (outwardly) platonic friendship, rather than forming new relationships with other poly individuals (which doesn't really interest me)?
If my husband is interested in the idea of a triad, how on earth do we suggest to our friend that we are interested in a relationship with him? Is it even appropriate to be considering opening our marriage to include someone who doesn't have any kind of relationship history, and who may also be on the spectrum?
I'm beginning to suspect that I may be poly. I've been married (mostly happily) for 6 years (togther for 15) to a straight man (let's call him Colin). I've never cheated, but several times during the course of our relationship I've developed really strong feelings for other guys (uni friends, work colleagues, etc.). I have never told my husband about these feelings and they usually fizzled out after a few months time.
Now, Colin and I have a lifelong friend that we've known for as long as we've know each other (let's call him James). He was Colin's closest friend at uni, we all lived together in a shared house in third and fourth year (while Colin and I were dating), we stay in each other's houses regularly and he has come on holidays with us before. He and my husband are very similar and get on really well, and I've always had a close bond with James as we share uncannily similar interests and he has always been very sweet to me. A couple of years ago I began to develop very strong feelings for James and I'm now beginning to suspect that I'm falling in love with him. Initially this terrified me and I felt that I was betraying my husband by having these feelings. After a particularly confusing trip to Blackpool with the two of them I decided to try and cut off all contact with James to protect my relationship with my husband. It didn't work and for three months I was miserable, resentful and constantly picking fights with my husband.
James doesn't live near us so because of Covid we have only managed to see him once in the last year (which was amazing fun) but we meet virtually for online gaming around 2-3 times a week and we have an absolute blast. We have set up a Minecraft world and it feels like it's our special place to hang out together as a three - none of us would ever consider adding a fourth member. I don't know if Colin knows how I feel about James, but he does know that we're very close and message each other a lot. He doesn't seem bothered by this or is ever curious about what we talk about. I also don't really know how James feels about me, but if pushed I would guess that he has feelings for me based on how acts around me (warm, affectionate and occasionally flirtatious). He lives alone and has never had a girlfriend (or boyfriend) even though we are all in our 30s, but he seems happy with his life and has (as far as I know) never sought a relationship. I suspect that he has issues with low self-esteem (he HATES being photographed) and is also probably somewhere on the autistic spectrum.
James and Colin have also become very close recently and Colin and I talk about him all the time. He once told me that his "happy place" was when we are with James and I agreed that that was mine too. It feels as though I'm only truly happy when I'm with them both together, and I'm starting to wonder whether my husbands feels like this too. None of the three of us want to have any children.
It's now got to the point that I feel I'd like to talk to my husband about my feelings for James and about the fact that I believe I'm polyamorous, and - if he's interested - whether he would consider us opening our relationship to include James. However I can see that this going to be a lot for him to take in and I absolutely don't want to hurt him. I have so many questions about how this should work, and I realise there's no "one size fits all" model, but I'd appreciate some advice on the following.
How do I explain to my husband that I have always been poly (and, by the way, am in love with his best friend) without causing him a lot of pain?
What do I do about my feelings for James if Colin isn't interested in exploring this with me? I feel that I love him very deeply and that this isn't just a crush that's going to go away. On the other hand, I value my marriage and I don't want this to end my relationship with my husband.
Is it a terrible idea to consider forming a triad out of a well-established monogamous relationship and an (outwardly) platonic friendship, rather than forming new relationships with other poly individuals (which doesn't really interest me)?
If my husband is interested in the idea of a triad, how on earth do we suggest to our friend that we are interested in a relationship with him? Is it even appropriate to be considering opening our marriage to include someone who doesn't have any kind of relationship history, and who may also be on the spectrum?