In need of advice

[lilmissinsecure]

Hello,

My s/o and i are in a primary relationship and have been for the past five years. We have opened up our relationship to polyamory within the last year and a half. My s/o makes me feel very insecure everytime that he sees somebody and and is extremely angry towards me before i go onto dates with other people to the point that poly almost isnt worth the emotional pain that sees to come from it. Every girlfriend my s/o has had he has compared me to in some way or another. He constantly makes me feel lacking if he is seeing another person but if he isnt then he makes me feel amazing. We have some older issues in our relationship that i feel are unresolved and have asked him if we could close off our relationship to work on those issues prior to venturing out but even when he tells me that is an option, he keeps other people on the "back burner"

He is being better as a human to me in general but i am terrified that as soon as he has another person he will downgrade me again. Any advice on what to do or how to help with the anxiety this is giving me?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello lilmissinsecure,

It sounds like polyamory is not working out well for you, at least it is not yielding the positives in your life that it should. Your s/o says (with his mouth) that he is willing to close off your relationship to work on the older issues, but then (with his feet) keeps other people on the backburner. So he is not being entirely honest! and he is making it impossible for you to work on the older issues. Also it is no wonder that you are feeling anxious, when he compares you unfavorably with the people he dates. Plus his extreme anger before you go on dates with other people, I'm not sure that polyamory can be worth it to you, at least as long as he is your partner. I know you love him, you do not want to leave him, but you have your own well-being to consider, he is not going to consider it. I guess my advice is, that you tell him that you're going to leave him if he continues to keep other people on the backburner. Address the older issues in your relationship first, then consider polyamory as a possibility.

Sometimes anxiety is an appropriate response to a genuinely unfair situation. Your emotions are trying to warn you that this situation isn't healthy for you. I know my advice is extreme, but it is what I feel is appropriate given the situation. I feel bad for you that you are going through this; I hope things get better.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

Any advice on what to do or how to help with the anxiety this is giving me?

Look at his behaviors toward you:

• he is extremely angry towards me before i go onto dates with other people
• he compares me unfavorably to his other partners
• he brings me emotional pain
• he downgrades me/ he puts me down/makes me feel I am lacking
• he won't work on old issues
• he keeps people on the "back burner" like I can just be replaced
• I do not feel safe and secure participating in this relationship.

What would you tell a friend? What about this sounds healthy and joyful?

If all you get here is loads of pain? LISTEN to your anxiety ringing the alarm bells.

End it and walk away. STOP participating here.

You do not exist to be this person's emotional punching bag.

You can love someone a whole lot. But you have to be able to say to yourself "No. Not even for you will I do things/stay in things that hurt me. I have to love me too. This crosses the line. I am not safe here."

And you walk away.

Galagirl

 

[FallenAngelina]

Hello,

My s/o makes me feel very insecure....He constantly makes me feel lacking if he is seeing another person but if he isnt then he makes me feel amazing. ....what to do or how to help with the anxiety this is giving me?

These are common turns of phrase, but they perpetuate the terribly false premise that someone else can give us insecurity and anxiety. Thinking of it this way removes all agency and power from your experience of life. Conversely, he holds all the strings to "making" you feel good. That your guy works you like a puppet is just not the case - you are stepping in time with the dance. Nobody can even begin to give anyone else insecurity and anxiety unless both are emotionally participating. There are many healthier ways to be in a relationship that do not involve such intense dependence on another's opinion and do involve a lot more of what is important to you.

Why are you in this relationship? Not meant as a snarky question. Why are you with him?

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm thinking it was more a figure of speech.

It seems Lilmiss and her h haven't really become comfortable with polyamory yet. I wonder why they are trying it, if both seem so uncomfortable with it. What needs to be done to feel reassured and trusting?

 

[Ozcountryguy]

Your s/o sounds very similar to one of the guys a friend of mine dated. The guy was a sociopath, he would constantly compare her in a negative way to other girls he dated, he would put her down continually, get aggressive, be manipulative, he was a “social alcoholic”. But if he wasn’t seeing anyone else he would be the most charming and debonair gentlemen you could meet, and he would lavish her with expensive gifts.

It took her years to realise but when she broke free, while difficult, it was the best thing she did.

A relationship where one is being torn down isn’t a relationship at all.... don’t believe the lie that you are the problem.

 

[TRENNER]

This guy definitely sounds abusive. It's one thing for him to be jealous of other guys you're with. That is a normal complicating factor here. It's another for him to compare you unfavorably to other women he's been with. That is way over the line, IMO, in either a poly or mono relationship(where this could involve a man's exes). Unfortunately, IMO, going mono again with him won't help. While I don't have the full story in front of me, my inclination would be to break up with him.

 

[PolyNatural]

Hello,

My s/o and i are in a primary relationship and ... He constantly makes me feel lacking ... Any advice on what to do or how to help with the anxiety this is giving me?

At the risk of getting hit with the admin stick again, three important facets of a successful relationship are honesty, appreciation, and respect. I get the feeling that at least 2 out of 3 of those are out of balance, and you're on the losing end. My advice is to clearly explain to your s/o what needs to happen to bring the scales back into alignment. If that doesn't work, then you'll either have to learn to live with it, or go with the alternatives.