In the beginning...

[New2polydude]

The typical post I read starts like this: "We had been together for 10 years when..." or " we had been married for 14 years when..." the narrative makes it seem like someone is substandard/inadequate. Has anyone started a relationship with a discussion about poly? Maybe not the first date, but in the formative stage? So that you can convey that poly is not about one person being substandard, but differeing needs?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi New2,

I recently started one new relationship with an understanding that things were poly right from the beginning, but I have to be honest, that relationship didn't last very long. In all fairness, it was an LDR and that's one of the key reasons, I think, why it didn't last. The poly relationship I'm in now started over 20 years ago and I and my now-partner (Snowbunny) were both in monogamous marriages. Polyamory was a completely new concept for us, we hadn't heard of it until then. The marriages continued, and they transitioned into poly marriages. I don't think anyone was considered substandard or inadequate, it was just a new dynamic that came into our lives. Anyway that's my perspective.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[New2polydude]

Hi New2,

I recently started one new relationship with an understanding that things were poly right from the beginning, but I have to be honest, that relationship didn't last very long. In all fairness, it was an LDR and that's one of the key reasons, I think, why it didn't last. The poly relationship I'm in now started over 20 years ago and I and my now-partner (Snowbunny) were both in monogamous marriages. Polyamory was a completely new concept for us, we hadn't heard of it until then. The marriages continued, and they transitioned into poly marriages. I don't think anyone was considered substandard or inadequate, it was just a new dynamic that came into our lives. Anyway that's my perspective.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Thanks for sharing Kevin T. I use the word substandard because when I have talked to partners about this idea, that was one of the words they used - certainly the idea, if not the word.

 

[kdt26417]

No doubt many people coming from a monogamous background do think of polyamory as substandard, and if they transition into poly their perspective is often that the newer/poly partner is substandard. I just think that comes from mononormative conditioning, although one could argue that the longer-term relationship does rank higher, at least in the beginning.

 

[Magdlyn]

The typical post I read starts like this: "We had been together for 10 years when..." or " we had been married for 14 years when..." the narrative makes it seem like someone is substandard/inadequate. Has anyone started a relationship with a discussion about poly? Maybe not the first date, but in the formative stage? So that you can convey that poly is not about one person being substandard, but differing needs?

Yes, my partners and I both started our relationships as polyamorous ones. But I definitely do not think that opening a longer-term relationship means one partner or the other is "substandard," at least as I understand the word substandard.

Can you expand on your premise or theory some more? What is meant by you or the partners by the use of this word? It's kind of general.

 

[Tinwen]

I understand how the idea of falling below standards kinda creeps in. The idea that someone failed their mono wows by falling in love with another. The idea that someone isn't loving enough if they can't get over their jealousy and embrace the limitlessness of love. The clash of two ideologies both of which are demanding to live...
Is that what you mean?

Btw. I am the 'newer' partner, so I started my relationship with the understanding it would be polyamorous. To be honest, I didn't think it would last.

 

[New2polydude]

I understand how the idea of falling below standards kinda creeps in. The idea that someone failed their mono wows by falling in love with another. The idea that someone isn't loving enough if they can't get over their jealousy and embrace the limitlessness of love. The clash of two ideologies both of which are demanding to live...
Is that what you mean?

Btw. I am the 'newer' partner, so I started my relationship with the understanding it would be polyamorous. To be honest, I didn't think it would last.

Partly that, but mostly the partner who didn't bring up the idea of trying poly relationships. For example if John (fictitious person) talks to his partner about having a poly relationship, his partner might think "I am not pretty/sexy/interesting enough for John, so he wants to go outside of our relationship. I have failed."

 

[Tinwen]

Partly that, but mostly the partner who didn't bring up the idea of trying poly relationships. For example if John (fictitious person) talks to his partner about having a poly relationship, his partner might think "I am not pretty/sexy/interesting enough for John, so he wants to go outside of our relationship. I have failed."

Oh right, that kind of insecurity. Yes, that's something people struggle with.

Sometimes people talk about poly being in part driven by the need for variety. If you crave vastly different experiences with multiple people, a single partner can never provide that, no matter how perfect... It's an explanation some people can accept.

 

[Magdlyn]

Oh right, that kind of insecurity. Yes, that's something people struggle with.

Sometimes people talk about poly being in part driven by the need for variety. If you crave vastly different experiences with multiple people, a single partner can never provide that, no matter how perfect... It's an explanation some people can accept.

And sometimes we say, we can like steak, love steak, but that doesn't mean that's all we want to eat for the rest of their lives. Sometimes we might want pasta, or sushi, or Super Fudge Chunk. It doesn't mean we want to give up steak forever!

Or, we have one child, and when it gets to be two yrs old, we get baby fever again. That doesn't mean we don't adore our two-year old. We don't drop her off at the fire station.

In fact, people in our lives enhance us, bring us new experiences, teach us new skills, broaden our outlooks. My relationship with my mother gained depth when I started dating and loving in an adult way, for example. When my gf finally found the bf of her dreams, it expanded my world in a pleasant interesting way. (No, we don't have threeway sex.)

Having my second daughter made me appreciate my first daughter more! I didn't neglect my first born when I had my second baby. I didn't show preference.

Sometimes these analogies don't work for people new to poly. But for experienced polyamorists they make perfect sense.

 

[MeeraReed]

I think most monogamous people would assume that they aren't "enough" or are not "good enough" for their partner if their (previously monogamous) partner suddenly announced they want to be poly.

The best way to avoid that is to be open about being poly or non-monogamous right from the beginning. Like, it's on my dating profile and I only use dating sites that have a category/label for non-monogamous.

Other non-monogamous people get it, and don't assume they are "substandard."

 

[dingedheart]

I think most monogamous people would assume that they aren't "enough" or are not "good enough" for their partner if their (previously monogamous) partner suddenly announced they want to be poly.

Yeah, in some cases it’s actually bluntly stated that way, followed up with no “one“ is going to be enough.

The best way to avoid that is to be open about being poly or non-monogamous right from the beginning. Like, it's on my dating profile and I only use dating sites that have a category/label for non-monogamous.

Other non-monogamous people get it, and don't assume they are "substandard."

100% … start from scratch.

 

[Ariakas]

The typical post I read starts like this: "We had been together for 10 years when..." or " we had been married for 14 years when..." the narrative makes it seem like someone is substandard/inadequate. Has anyone started a relationship with a discussion about poly? Maybe not the first date, but in the formative stage? So that you can convey that poly is not about one person being substandard, but differeing needs?

Not poly but ENM.

I met my now wife in a punk bar, it was fun, we argued and debated and then we had some fun. It was going to last two weeks, and she would fly back west (I lived out east). There were no commitments beyond we had a blast, and lets stay in touch. The two weeks turned into 3 months of talking on the phone nightly. When I knew I was going to fly and be in a relationship with her, I specifically said I would never be monogamous and we should be open. I "knew" I would never love someone else, but I never wanted just one woman.

Poly was a kick in the teeth about 10 years later, and it was violent and shook me. Poly was not what I signed up for hahaha...