In the garden

The 3D printing is going great!

Mike taught me a heap of stuff when I was there, and I came back and got the printer going nicely here. Tonight it's actually doing its first big print (16 hours) so fingers crossed. I set it going at 2:30 this afternoon and it should finish at 6:30 tomorrow morning. I hope the temp drop in the room overnight doesn't screw with it horribly. But this is why we test, test, test. I also have so much to do to put together a teaching document so Mike has something useful written down for being able to market his knowledge to other people like me who have the tool but don't know where to begin and then up-skilling once the basics are sorted.

And fingers crossed, Adam has a job interview on the 12th. Let's face it, worst case scenario, he gets practice at the interview style. Best case scenario, a job offer. It means we'll be living apart next year, but we've done that before, we can do it again.

I finally gently growled Lance for not being honest with me and leaving me to guess at stuff 6 months or so ago. He replied with a simple, "I'm sorry" which was definitely enough for me. I hope the growling hasn't put his nose out of joint, I do still want to cultivate the friendship, and one day visit him.

But the most exciting news is actually regarding Puck. Things are going wonderfully there and we've somewhat escalated the relationship within the boundaries of distance and that we both have very full poly lives. Although it is a D/s connection, he demands nothing and asks very little outside our calls, but gosh do we have the most incredible energy exchange. It's definitely more energy than authority/power based, and it suits both of us perfectly. So perfectly, in fact, that last Sunday I wore his collar for the first time. It's a collar I bought a long time ago when I saw it and loved it, but it's been waiting for the right D-type for me to wear it for someone. And Puck is the one and that collar is now his. We are both working towards a time in the future where he will be able to do it up in person. There's a long way to go between now and then with the financial commitments we both have in our respective lives, but there are real goals and a definite agreement that we will collaborate on the logistics/costs. Yes, the NRE is absolutely through the roof, but that's because it's so rare to find someone this damn compatible.

The last time I did, it was Adam.
 
A conversation on ownership is happening in another thread right now and it's leading me on tangential thoughts as I navigate this D/s journey with Puck. I am the one who found myself thinking of my body as his property when I clumsily hurt myself one day and thought, "ow, uh oh, I've damaged your property" followed closely by, "where the f. did that thought come from?"

Right now, the manifestation of that ownership is very much about caring for this body rather than any restrictions or permissions around how I use it with anyone else. I still have other play partners, sporadic as they may be. And, of course, Adam. But my choices are now bearing in mind that my end goal is to have it in healthy condition when I get to visit with Puck. I will also be saving some firsts for him. It's not like we're making a list, but we do have an m.o. and things within that I am looking forward to experiencing with him in person eventually.

Speaking of which, as fast as I save money I need to spend it on quality of life things. Adam needs new glasses. We need a new mattress. I actually *need* a Summer work wardrobe because it's starting to get too hot to wear what I have been wearing. But at least we aren't going into debt to get these things, or won't be by the time the December sales roll around and I will have had two more paydays.

I wish I could sleep! Today I'm fatigued (acute, not chronic) and I actually took a day off work rather than try and fight through. But sleep is elusive. Part of the fatigue may be because of the intensity of the conversation with Puck yesterday. When we slip into "scene" as a natural part of the flow of interaction, it's definitely a different way of being. I'm not dropping today, I'm too bloody tired to think or feel enough to drop lol.

I'm going to try shutting my eyes and listening to a meditation.
 
Adam got a job!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Oh great!!Finances looking up!��
 
They should. There's been one further request, for physiotherapist signoff on a shoulder injury. He has the physio appointment tomorrow.

If nothing goes wrong it will be a massive difference to our circumstances. And the to do list is quite long. It will saved before it's spent, but it will be spent. But the investments will be upped, too.

And I'll get to visit Puck sooner than expected 😊
 
Adam passed the physio assessment and is now just waiting to be told to come and sign papers. I'm really keen to know his start date, as you may imagine. He's still finishing his qualification (Nat Dip) and once he does and after next June (contract renewal) he'll get a massive pay rise.

Finally, finally things are looking up.

Also, I love my job for the most part, and I'm on a permanent contract, so job security all around.

We can finally be real adults.

To do list in approximate order:
move more furniture back to where he'll be living
new glasses (him)
new mattress
my passport
my flights
update wills
car stereos (mine doesn't even go)
consolidate insurances (time to talk to a broker)
buy the house off the family company
get a heat pump
get a dishwasher
build a deck
 
I forgot fixing the lawnmower.

But then, I want to get someone in to do that job, I don't want to go there to be mowing lawns. And we'll have the income for that. Adam starts work the day I start Summer break. The irony. But the income more than makes up for that.

I had a call with Puck this morning and we talked a bit about Thanksgiving. I felt very far removed from his life as we discussed his plans and people. I mean, I literally am nearly half a world away somewhere that doesn't do Thanksgiving at all, so there's the reality that I *am* that far removed... but it led me to ask if I can be introduced to/message one of my metas. I think that would help me feel a little more connected to the polycule overall. She's the meta already designated to contact me if ever he can't, and it would be rather nice if that's not the first conversation we ever have <wry smile>. He's told me she's super excited for him about our relationship, so I am hoping they will both agree to the introduction.

I'm struggling today with the end of term procrastination. I just want to go home and rest. My sleep has been quite disturbed recently, so I'm running on what feels like half power at best.

Heh, I've found a reason to do nothing for a short while... Windows updates.
 
Puck replied very positively regarding closing the gap by making some introductions. The first one was actually him and Adam because I happened to still be on a casual call when Adam arrived to visit me, so they said hi. Puck's partners have varying levels of interest in interacting with one another, so he'll ask them as he sees them if they want to say hi to me.

Really, I think what I actually needed was to not feel like the "over there" person that I so clearly was to Lance. I'm not sure quite how much his friends knew about me, but the closest thing I had to interaction with them was he sent me a photo of himself last New Year's Eve with them in the background also looking at the camera. One was subtly flipping the bird (Lance wouldn't have noticed when he sent it), so either it was a lad being a lad, or perhaps it wasn't, but rather a clear f- off. I'll never know.

Sometimes, waiting is. Right now, I'm waiting for a few more paydays to roll around. And for my Christmas holidays to begin. I effectively have 3 weeks before and 3 weeks after Christmas, so I am going to try and fill the pre-Christmas time with as much activity as possible so I don't just let the time pass me by, although Adam and I are very much looking forward to BBQs and beers on the deck over Summer on his weekends.
 
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Magus is taking me to see Dita von Teese!!!!! It means I have to delay a date with Puck by a day, but it will work out. Puck is fine with it, and I just need to ensure I have an internet connection and privacy the following morning. There is also an extended polycule Christmas barbeque at Magus' house on the Saturday, so that will be awesome, too.

Adam moved back to our house this weekend. I'm still boarding near my work (2 hours away) for the next week and a bit, then I can go home for Summer. Next year will be tough, though as I will only see him occasionally since his roster is 4/4 and won't really coincide with my standard 5/2 (and I often work evenings and Sunday afternoons).

Mike sold three artworks through a fancy gallery!

Puck had a decadent Thanksgiving. Some of the conversation that had been happening there permeated our call today in the most interesting of ways. In short, often when we are in D/s dynamic our communication is non verbal, which is quite a thing within itself online, and I tend to intuit what he wants me to do. As it turns out, I intuited something very akin to what some of the conversations over the last few days had been about and acted accordingly. It was rather overwhelming for us both.

Overall, all is great in my world and polycule at the moment. Well, except I almost permanently have a sore back right now, especially the days I don't get to the gym 😢 The main thing is that I look forward to my mornings there, now. But damn I need to eat better. Almost no control.
 
So, Magus' place apparently has such shit internet I'll have to drive somewhere else and get 4G on my phone, instead. That's okay, it'll be something different.

I get to see Mike on Thursday after work (his work, I'm off for the year) and before that, coffee with a new local-to-here person with whom I've had some flirtatious email conversations over the last little while. And that morning, physiotherapy to see what's actually up with my back. It's just not getting better.

I'm back living with Adam for about 5 weeks, so that's super exciting! I don't know where I'm going to live next year when I return to work, and that's a little stressful, but I just want to enjoy being here with Adam for a bit before I head off to hunt for a place.

I'm also getting to talk with Puck daily at the moment. It's a very special time. I'm planning on visiting at Easter and that's only 4 months away! I left my damn passport paperwork at work so I'll swing past this weekend to get it on my way back from Wellington.

I'm so happy.
 
Whew, what a weekend!

It began with the addition of a day collar on Saturday morning. It's a gold bangle I commissioned years ago but has been nearly unworn in my jewellery box for the last nearly 20 years. I like to think it's been waiting, too.

Then I drove to Wellington, which was the better part of 5 hours with the few stops along the way. It was difficult, and I was second guessing my choice after 4 hours, but after I got there and settled in, I was feeling a lot better. I was visiting Magus (but also got to see Hermit at the poly munch on Sunday). There was an extended polycule BBQ on Saturday and I met a lot of people. I met a lot of millenial people with a lot of diagnoses/etc.. ASD, CFS, ADHD, Dyslexia, Crohns, Endo, Alopecia and NB. That was one person! Everyone else had *something*!

Dita von Teese was ... interesting. I'm biased, I used to work professional theatre. A couple of numbers were good :/

Magus and I are starting to find our groove. Intercourse didn't feature during the weekend, which was actually a relief for a variety of reasons, but he was really emotionally supportive.

I left on Monday morning and got to briefly talk with Puck, and show him a little of my childhood, but our proper reconnection was this morning. And then Adam got home from his nightshift and we also reconnected ;-)

Today, I took Mike's wife Christmas grocery shopping. While she constantly speaks in hyperbole, I found out things Mike hasn't told me, namely that he needs quite a bit of dental work. I did notice that he'd lost weight... that's why. He's not eating properly because of his teeth :(

I've started talking logistics with Puck, about where we'll stay when I visit - only in broad terms though. I will battle the passport paperwork tomorrow so I can book my tickets in January.

But mostly tomorrow I want to hang out with Adam. I am home for what feels like such a short time I want to make it count. Speaking of being home for a short time, I went and got a 1 month gym membership this morning and the lovely boss lady gave me 6 weeks for the one month price after I explained why I was only in town for a wee while. I went swimming this morning and I can absolutely attest that one fitness is different to another fitness. But, that paves the way for improvement. I'm also seeing a physiotherapist while I'm here, and I will try and address a bunch of stuff so I can keep getting better. My knee has recently given out. I've been kneeling too much :D

Edit: I'm struggling to talk to the void right now. Please talk back.
 
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Hi Evie! I’m definitely reading along even if I don’t comment much. One thing that’s been interesting to me about your journey is the somewhat faster nature of your relationship with Puck especially since it’s long distance and y’all haven’t (?) met in person yet - I mean I tend to move glacially slow at this point, as in am only now almost five years in pondering whether collaring is something i would want with Artist - but it’s still fascinating to me how different people approach things.
 
I read your blog, too, Evie. I'm glad things are really improving for you.... and that you and Adam are able to be together for a few weeks :) I hope your health is improving as well!
 
Another reader here too, and also hail from NZ in part though I live across the ditch these days. Glad that Adam's work situation improved for you.

I like how you negotiated a way to "close the gap" with Puck socially somewhat. Easter isn't that long away at all!
 
Thank you so much, icesong, PinkPig and fuchka!

The speed of the relationship with Puck has surprised me somewhat, too. It was not long ago I was a little derisive about how fast Miz's relationship was going with her new fella, and then I've gone and done the same thing LOL. I haven't met Puck in person, yet, but it's on the cards. I'll be shouting it from the rooftops the day I get my tickets. I know that for many, collaring is a significant commitment and affirmation of established power exchange relationship. We're clearly not established, and it would probably be more apt to describe this as a collar of consideration, although it's quite clear to us that the only considering being done is when our travel dates will be haha. I asked him if there is anywhere near that we could go ride a roller coaster (because we don't have anything worth the name here in NZ) and he's going to look into if anything is open when I'll be in town, but it might be too early in the season.

But back to relationship pace. I'd known Adam vaguely, through university, for around 8 months before we stumbled into our first date (it wasn't supposed to be a date, it just turned into one) - and then we moved in together 3 weeks later. Sometimes, you just know. And yes, with Puck there is every possibility that when we are in person, something won't click. It's highly unlikely... but we aren't guaranteed to have that chemistry in person that we do online. In another thread, the notion of online relationships was completely invalidated, and I admit that there are different nuances to being online, but it is nonetheless a real relationship, and one with such an open communication that there are definitely not going to be the same problems there were with Lance. Probably different ones, somewhere along the track, but we'll navigate those as we come to them.

I have my second physio appointment in about an hour. The pain has changed from last week, but it's still as annoyingly prominent. I want to make sure I can get the most out of the gym membership, so I need this sorted. Then, it will be a day of paperwork and cleaning and making this place feel like Christmas, considering it's now super close!

Thanks again for reading, and letting me know you're reading. FYI, I welcome questions as they can help me focus my thoughts.
 
I am in the throes of something that's affecting my mood. Be it the back pain, hormonal, or my studious denial that I have an inattention disorder, I'm not meeting my to do list or even wishing to engage with it. Fair enough, one might say, this is the holiday season after all, but it doesn't feel good so it's not good.

Adam and I are going to visit Mike and his wife later today. I'll make some cheese pastry crackers to take, they are soft enough on his teeth. Yesterday, I made poffertjes, although just with flour, not buckwheat, but their kitchen is not a space I could cook in. Honestly, I don't know how they cook. It's funny, I hadn't heard from Mike for a few days since he went on holiday, but yesterday he was all sorts of chatty, and he is already this morning, too.

As well as a proper call with Puck yesterday, there was a lot of communication throughout the day. But being his Christmas day now, he's not as available today. We'll reconnect soon enough. If I need a happy thought, it's that my passport is in the works. One of his polycule, we'll call her Cookie, has a pet snake!! When I go there, I'll get to meet her although Puck has said this snake isn't particularly cuddly, so I am unlikely to be able to hold him. But still, we have no snakes in NZ, not even in zoos. So I'm excited just to see one. Ditto squirrels.

Ugh, time to get out of bed. So much to do, so little motivation. Honestly, I'd rather lie in bed and play wordament for the next three hours.
 
I'm ready for a properly warm day. The forecast is suggesting today will get back into the 20s, but it isn't particularly sunny yet. When I can face the day, I'll pop on layers and go do some dead heading in the garden.

I am still struggling with feelings of unfulfillment; that I am "too lazy" to manage my life on top of my job. I don't know how other people do it (have hobbies and charities and families). The second I stop, I stall. It's always been this way.

Yesterday, Adam and I were talking on the way home in the car and he made the statement that the years since we've been together have been the best of his life. I couldn't quite say the same thing right now because I'm still really struggling with so much else. I've had some massive low points over these years and the high points don't quite outweigh them yet. Only time will heal those struggles. But I do want that time.
 
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It's warmer now, which is a relief, and I did some gardening, and then arranged for a gardener. I'm over not being able to manage this place.

Last night I got drunk and had a good time, firstly talking to Mike, and then when Adam got home from work, having fun with him. Then the alcohol really kicked in and I ended up with a very badly twisted ankle. There were a lot of tears, and today I am basically stuck in bed because I can't put any weight on it. But it's noticeably improving even by the hour. I'll use today to do a bunch of computer work I've been avoiding.

I'm close to finalising travel dates with Puck. We had a small hiccough because of Easter but there's a work around that's going to make his timings much better and mine still bearable. I'm fortunate that ANZAC day is Mondayised in NZ, so I get an extra day to recover before I go back to work.

Looks like I'll get a San Francisco day layover on the way back, so if anyone has recommendations of what to do, please send them my way!
 
I'm wondering if I can catch a matinée in SF, surely the theatre scene is alright there? I'll ask the travel agent (we still have those, in fact we have two different agents (with multiple employees) in my 7000 population town!

But still, if anyone knows SF, please offer suggestions!
 
Mike and his wife are going to visit tomorrow, yay! It's pretty rare that happens because he's not a confident driver, but his parents also live in our town so two birds, one stone. Sometimes it surprises me that I still have a crush on him after all this time, but I'm glad we've found our groove.

The other day, Puck and I talked about longevity in relationships and how we both tend to keep people in our lives whenever possible. This leads me to Tech and Siege. I was looking through my wedding pictures the other day and there's a photo of them having a conversation. They've both aged so hard since then I struggle slightly when I see them. Sadder yet, we don't get to hang out enough to make new memories.

Adam and I need to figure out ways to make new memories, too, especially with the work schedules that won't match well. But once my tickets are paid for, and some spending money is in the bank, we'll be saving hard out so we'll have future spending money to invest in creating some big memories, as well as some smaller ones such as a gourmet meal now and then.
 
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