Inequality, gender imbalances, effect on relationship dynamics

T

Thegreysea

New member
Dear poly experts,

We're still finding our feet and having many long discussions. All we know for sure at the moment is that we're not monogamous. Our history is 14 years of monogamy and two years of non monogamy. Why open up? We both wanted new friendships and we're curious about sleeping with others. We've proven that we can handle each other going on dates (and having sex) and have dipped our toes in swinging and it's nice too if everyone schedules align.

There is only one issue that we are still struggling with and I haven't seen much written about it to offer guidance. Inequality of options. It is A LOT easier for a woman to find dates than it is for a man. I'm interested in how this issue has shaped other people's relationship dynamics. Is it discussed? Is it a taboo topic? Did it have any influence on the rules you drew up when you opened up? Is it bad sport to talk about? Are there men that felt they couldn't keep up with the number and youth of the people that their wives we're dating? How did it impact on the relationship?
 
Generally speaking, I'd say that women find it easier to get more dates than men, but men tend to find someone suitable for a long term relationship sooner. That's a gross generalization.

I've found the people who focus on this type of equality struggle with the ebbs and flows of polyamory. He gets annoyed that she has so many dates but then she gets annoyed that he found a girlfriend while she doesn't get past a second or third date.

It's best to forget about it now.
 
In my experience the inequality is on paper only. For couples getting into poly a key is to not keep score.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I'd say that women find it easier to get more dates than men, but men tend to find someone suitable for a long term relationship sooner.
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Thanks for responding. I was wondering whether you had any idea why men tend to find someone for a long term relationship sooner? For every man in a long term relationship there is a woman in a long term relationship.
 
I think the poly compatible women out there whether they are single or not, generally tend to be seeking something long-term (not necessarily entangled). So say the woman dates 10 guys, maybe 4 of them are considering something long term, and 2 of those shouldn't be because their relationship isn't in the right place or they have a mindset which is otherwise incompatible. So that leaves 2/10. Some of those guys, maybe a third of them, will be explicit that they're not looking for more than what most people would term a fuck buddy.

The guy on the other hand will have 10 women, 8 of who are seeking something long term, maybe 3 of who shouldn't be for the same reasons as the guys but it still leaves 5 of his potentials who are already seeking something ongoing. Maybe 2 will be after hook up type relationships but will be explicit about it. They don't have the same motivations to hide their intentions as men.
 
Thegreysea said:
I haven't seen much written about it to offer guidance. Inequality of options. It is A LOT easier for a woman to find dates than it is for a man.
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We've discussed this a lot here. Maybe look back through the threads via the search? The topic comes up regularly.
 
Hello Thegreysea,

It is definitely harder for a man to find poly dates than it is for a woman, in most cases. Unfortunately, there's not a lot that can be done to rectify that situation, at least not that I know of. There does seem to be a lower quality to most of the offers that women receive, if a man gets an offer it is probably of higher quality. This is of course speaking mostly of dating sites such as OKCupid. And there are exceptions.

I think the key here for the man is to be very very patient. It can get frustrating at times. Also be aware that when you do meet that special someone, it might not be OKC where you meet them, it might be somewhere in meatspace. It might be a complete surprise.

Just some thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
This is really useful for us so thanks to all those who offered their thoughts. The advice to me has been to be patient, flirt irl, and don't keep score. Messaged received loud and clear. Do you have any advice for my wife? She's about to meet a nice handsome athletic man in his thirties. They've been chatting a lot for about a month. He seems very respectful, not pushy, or sleazy.
 
Don't invest too much too quickly into any new relationship. Just like speeding in a vehicle, there could be wobbles or crashes if going too fast.
Don't overshare about your other relationship - respect the privacy on both sides.
There may not be chemistry in person. If not, don't try and make work what isn't there.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Thegreysea,

It is definitely harder for a man to find poly dates than it is for a woman, in most cases. Unfortunately, there's not a lot that can be done to rectify that situation, at least not that I know of. There does seem to be a lower quality to most of the offers that women receive, if a man gets an offer it is probably of higher quality. This is of course speaking mostly of dating sites such as OKCupid. And there are exceptions.
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I have had this experience exactly.
 
I'm not here to complain about it. It is what it is. But I'm a very curious person and find it interesting to wonder why it's the case. There are some things people have said that seem mutually exclusive. On the one hand, it's harder for men to find dates, most would agree. On the other hand, women say a lot of men break up with them after the third date. If the dates are so hard to get, why are men breaking up with women after the third date? Can't make sense of that.
 
Thegreysea said:
If the dates are so hard to get why are men breaking up with women after the third date? Can't make sense of that.
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Because most of the men doing the 3-date breakups were really only looking for a hook-up in the first place, and used the word poly to increase their chances by widening their pool of potential partners to include those who aren't looking for hook-ups.
Actual poly men then have a harder time getting a date because the poly woman has been burnt before and is more cautious about who she agrees to go out with.
 
Emm said:
Because most of the men doing the 3-date breakups were really only looking for a hook-up in the first place, and used the word poly to increase their chances by widening their pool of potential partners to include those who aren't looking for hook-ups.

Actual poly men then have a harder time getting a date because the poly woman has been burnt before and is more cautious about who she agrees to go out with.
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This! So much this! I have had a few bfs who've lasted 7 months to 2 1/2 years, but so many who only go 1-3 dates and then tell me they aren't into "commitment." And a few who've just ghosted. It's so annoying, so weird. It's like their hunt is more fun for them than actually having sex! Then they have to go through the whole rigamarole of finding another woman... When they could've had regular (intense kinky sweaty yummy creative) sex twice a week from me, if they wanted.

I swear, testosterone is a poison.
 
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