Infuriated by his Primary Partner. What to do?

B

birdonawire

New member
I have been in a relationship with a man for a few years. He is married to a woman and they have an open relationship. He and I spend quite a lot of time together - we talk often, and meet every week, and there is real love there between him and I, expressed by both of us.

When we started, it was really just a sex thing, but it quickly changed into something more serious. It actually started off being the three of us. His wife and I would spend time together by ourselves, going out, talking, but she has never been proactive about anything. I'd always be the one to call her to chat and arrange outings - never ever the other way around. One day after a few months of this I decided to stop calling her to see if she would ever call me without my prompting, and she never ever did. I felt very hurt by this, because I felt that she didn't see me as a valid person in their life, that I wasn't worth the time or energy to pick up the phone and contact, despite the fact that we got along well during the times we did spend together.

As I've grown closer to him, this has become an ever-growing issue for me. I often visit their house, and I see her there, and she is pleasant enough when we're together, but her niceness is so infuriating, because you never know what she is really thinking. I have the impression that she only tells people what they want to hear.

The three of us occasionally go out together, we have taken the odd holiday together here and there, and I often go to their house for dinner, but she is always at arm's length. She'll always sit apart from me - if it's the three of us, she will always set him between me and her. If it's just her and I at the table or something, she'll sit at the opposite end of the table, as far away from me as possible. When I say something about it, she'll be all like "Oh, yeah" and then she'll move closer. But really, this body language tells me so much. She never asks me how I'm doing either - not once has she asked me about my life, or my job, or my emotional state, whereas I'm always expressing an interest in her work (all she really has is her work, so that's often all I can ask her about).

I actually had a long conversation with her in person a few weeks ago - three years after I'd stopped calling her - and I expressed how much I still want to be able to talk to her once in a while, and to be open with her. She told me that she wanted that too, and that I should call her once in a while. Well, I've called her about 5 or 6 times since then - just once a week, nothing overbearing - left messages, and she hasn't bothered to answer the phone or call back. Now I feel even worse about her than I ever have. I feel like the conversation she and I had that day was just a load of bullshit, and that she was just paying me lip service.

I really fell like a third wheel, terribly vulnerable, unwanted by her. I feel she just tolerates me because it's what her husband wants. I feel like I'm having sex with - and more actually loving - the husband of just some woman who treats me like I barely exist. It's driving me mad. I love him, but I can't see this working if she's going to continue to be this way. The thing is it's part of her personality too. She has no friends because she makes no effort with anybody at all. It's like I'm trying to communicate with somebody who is emotionally half-dead and who doesn't want to be reached.

I really would like to hear opinions about this. It's infuriating. We've all been sexual together a number of times in the past (at the beginning only), which makes things even more difficult emotionally for me, because I can't get over this feeling of rejection. I'm really thinking of ending my relationship with him because of all this - it has a negative effect on my self-esteem, and I'm beginning to find myself having hateful thoughts about her, which isn't something I want, but I can't help it. I also find myself becoming angry with him because of this.

What to do???
 
You go about your life and enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend.

There is no rule in poly that says you have to be friends or involved with your metamour what so ever. My husbands have nothing to do with each other unless there is an emergency, the occasional holiday like Christmas or they are attending one of the kids events.

When my husband Butch has a girlfriend I have very little to do with them if at all.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

TBH, you sound mad you were "testing her" and she "failed the test" with the phone call thing. If you want to hang out, call and hang out. Don't be "testing people" to validate yourself via their behavior. You can self validate.

Is it that you want her for a lover and are upset she only wants you for a friend? :confused:

To me it sounds like she's nice when around you. That's not treating you "like you barely exist." You also seem to recognize this is part of her personality.

The thing is it's part of her personality too. She has no friends because she makes no effort with anybody at all. It's like I'm trying to communicate with somebody who is emotionally half-dead and who doesn't want to be reached.
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She is this way with everyone? It makes me wonder if she suffers from social anxiety or depression or carries a great load of pain.

Yet with you? She makes some efforts. She includes you in vacations, is nice to you, enjoys hanging out with you, is open when you want to hang out, places herself so hinge is easily accessed by both of you at the table, you come over a lot to dinner. You have a long conversation with her where you expressed how much you still want to be able to talk to her once in a while, and to be open with her. She told you that she wanted that too, and that you could call her once in a while.

Those things are not showing you that you are a valid person in her life and she's open to you? What in that is rejecting you? :confused:

Rather than take it personally because she's not great with phone? You could let some of your wants go so you are less stressed out.

  • You could let go of the want to be in a cozier thing with her where you guys hang out as metamour friends. Just be polite but not friends.
  • Or you could let go of the want for her to do phone. You accept the price of admission to cozy is that YOU do the phone outreach stuff. She seems to respond to that when you do it in the past.
  • You could also ASK what non-phone method she could be willing try so it is shared load and not all on you.

Maybe email works better for her than phone for instance. Or just make a standing date -- 1st saturdays at noon. Call if you are sick and cannot make it, but otherwise just meet at X. (If it is social anxiety may that helps her?)

In other words, focus on what you want more of -- the closeness thing up there in bold. And focus less on what you don't want. (You feeling rejected because you think she thinks you stink.)


I'm really thinking of ending my relationship with him because of all this - it has a negative effect on my self-esteem, and I'm beginning to find myself having hateful thoughts about her, which isn't something I want, but I can't help it. I also find myself becoming angry with him because of this.
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Well, that's another way to go. You break up. Then no wants apply any more because you are not in relationship with either any more.

What's your desired outcome? Do you really want to break up? I cannot tell when you say you want to be friends and then you say you want to break up. Which is it? :confused:

Galagirl
 
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I am sorry to hear you have been having an increasingly hard time in what sounds like a promising relationship. It sounds like you were looking to be in a triad but have found that in fact you have a V shaped relationship and are very disappointed. What does your partner say about his wife? Is he disappointed as well, or content to be the hinge of the V? How necessary is it for you to have a relationship, or even interact with your metamour?

I wonder if your metamour is actually terribly introverted and her work hours use up all her social energy. That does not excuse her saying one thing and doing the opposite, essentially leading you on. It seems to me you need to give up your expectations of a deeper relationship with her so you can relax and enjoy the relationship you actually have with your partner.

Leetah
 
So what if she just tolerates you? Why care what she thinks of you at all? It is him you're in a relationship with, not her, so it is very puzzling that you are so hyper-focused on her to the point that you're "infuriated." You haven't been sexual with her in several years, correct? So I'd say it's high time to get over feeling rejected after all that time! Maybe you're just not her type, or maybe she's more straight than you are, or maybe she only participated in threesomes in the first place because she thought she had to in order to "be poly" and then she woke up and realized she didn't have to. Whatever her reason, why do you let it bother you all these years? Does it make you feel like you have no control in the situation?

The fact is -- there is no poly rule book that states she has to like you or have anything to do with you. I think you are being rather ungrateful in ignoring just how generous she's been toward you by welcoming you to her home, having you to dinner there, going on trips with you, and so on, quite regularly. She doesn't have to do any of that! Many couples have a rule that lovers do not even come into the home!

By focusing on her, and wishing she were different, you are not being present. Therefore, you miss out on enjoying what you have with him. You also come across as very critical of her. The statement you made about her life being all about work came across as a dig. If I were her, I would not want to be around nor get too close to someone who seems to be assessing and criticizing me, and complaining about how I interact with them, as you do with her.

If you feel your self esteem is not where it should be, are feeling insecure and rejected, or that your relationship with him isn't validated by her, well, all of that is on you - no one else caused these feelings in you. Don't make her a scapegoat for your own issues. You can start over with a new perspective right now!
 
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Thank you!

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate them. This is my first relationship of this kind, emotionally at least, and the whole thing still feels 'new' to me even though I've been in a relationship with him for what seems like forever. The emotions it brings out are so different to what I've felt before with monogamous relationships.

I just feel frustrated, and my post was partly a vent, and partly wanting to get other opinions to help me think about how things are and what I can do to make things better. I don't see any issue with being angry, and trying to deal with those feelings, because I'm just human, and humans do get angry. It's how a person deals with that anger that makes the difference. When she tells me that she also wants to communicate more with me, yet when I try she continually ignores me, well, it just doesn't feel good. Why can't people just say that they are too busy or whatever, rather than saying one thing and doing another? That's what makes me angry.

In spite of what I've said in my earlier post, I really do care about her. She is gentle, and sweet, and kind. She's just... very absent. I really just want us all to be able to communicate. My relationship with him is so special to me that I want her to share in that. The things we've done together - holidays, outings etc. have all been my idea over the past couple of years all because I wanted to include her in things. Yes the work comment was a dig. There is also truth in it. It doesn't just affect me, it affects him too. He comments on it at times, that she isn't present when they are together, that she puts all of her energy into work, and it hurts to hear the disappointment in his voice when he says that. So I'm not the only one who feels ignored - he does too. Yes, she is also very introverted, and doesn't really follow many of the normal social graces, whilst he and I both very extroverted, which I suppose makes things a bit difficult for her too when we are together.

The consensus here seems to be that I should just change the way I see things, and I think you're right. I know that you can't change a person - people will do what they will do, so I think I should just let it go, and just take my relationship with him absolutely on its own terms rather than having this expectation that she might want to share in that anymore. At times I do wonder whether this kind of relationship is suitable for me, which is why I sometimes think about ending it, just because it feels so complicated. But as you say, the complications, insecurity, and whatnot, those come from me, and it's up to me to change myself rather than trying to change somebody else.
 
birdonawire said:
But as you say, the complications, insecurity, and whatnot, those come from me, and it's up to me to change myself rather than trying to change somebody else.
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How beautiful and refreshing that you are actually taking the responses to heart! Many people come here and literally fight us when we encourage them to look at things in new ways, ways that experienced polyamorists have found to be very helpful and much happier for everyone involved. My hat is off to you!
 
I have a few friends and acquaintances like that. . If I didn't bother to call, text, invite then I would never hear from them. It's sad and frustrating but maybe she likes you well enough but she doesn't really consider you a friend? You can give up making an effort and just accept that she's a nice metamore or you can continue being the initiator and accept that is how she is.
 
Maybe she doesn't really want to be included in your relationship? She's not required to share in your festivities. Why is it so important that she be your friend? It seems odd that you would consider dumping the man you love because his wife ia introverted and a loner.
 
Yes, she is also very introverted, and doesn't really follow many of the normal social graces, whilst he and I both very extroverted, which I suppose makes things a bit difficult for her too when we are together.
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Glad you see that.

When she tells me that she also wants to communicate more with me, yet when I try she continually ignores me, well, it just doesn't feel good.
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Sure. I can see where it doesn't feel good.

Why can't people just say that they are too busy or whatever, rather than saying one thing and doing another? That's what makes me angry.
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I can appreciate that too. But I wonder if it's a case of willing, but not always able. Is she Asperger or something? That would explain the uber focus on work and the awkward social skills.

Moot point, since at this point in time it sounds like you pick

  • Let go of the want to be in a cozier thing with her where you guys hang out as metamour friends. Just be polite but not friends.
  • Focus on your relationship with him

Fair enough. So you could tell her and then let it go. Something like...

"Hey... I wanted to clear something up. You said you wanted to be more close friends/more open too. I tried calling a few times to follow up. I did not get any responsiveness. I don't want to become a call pest. So let's just let it go and call it a good idea but no energy at this time. Just be polite metamours for now."

If she wants to revive the idea later, ball's in her court to initiate in future. But you've made her aware of where you are at. Not your worry any more.

So hopefully you will feel better soon from having been decisive about it.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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I tend to agree that it may well be just how you are reading this.

If you put yourself in her shoes - it sounds like she is an introvert and maybe isn't a natural at keeping in touch with people, for whatever reason. You were regularly calling her, texting here, etc, and setting up things to do and then, all of a sudden, without you saying anything, you stopped.

She could well have thought "Ok, I guess this person really doesn't want a friendship/relationship with me and was just tolerating me. She never really wanted anything to do with me in the first place and was just humouring me."

If she is not naturally a reaching-out type person, this would almost definitely explain why you didn't hear from her - she probably thought you were upset at her. And you waited 3 YEARS to talk to her about it? (Or am I misreading this?) If this is the case then you allowed lots of time for her to get things set in her mind about the dynamic of the relationship. After that amount of time, that requires a large course-correction to get things back on track.

I have been in this situation - while I have tended to always have "V" relationships, the dynamics of the friendship between my two partners has been tough, and lack of communication just makes it worse. For a while I was trying to "fix it" - to be the catalyst, but ended up just becoming a punching bag when things didn't work. I hated to see two people that I loved not getting along with each other, and that dynamic coloured my relationships in a big way.

I know some do their poly in a way that the branches of the "V" don't have to have any sort of relationship (and I mean friendship), which is absolutely great if that works for them. The day-to-day logistics work far better for me when there is a functional relationship between them, though.

If you want advice it would be to do what you can to mend the relationship with her - and that means talking about what you went through - get some more feedback from her. Let her know of your express wish to make this work better and allow her to give you feedback on what she needs and wants. If she is an introvert she may need time to think it over before getting back to you - if so, then arrange a date, maybe a week later, to follow up with her on it. Then YOU follow up and find out what she thinks.

Hope this helps.
 
Hi birdonawire,

Re (from OP):
"The thing is it's part of her personality too. She has no friends because she makes no effort with anybody at all."
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Ah, that's what I was thinking. She's not slighting you on purpose, she is just doing as she normally does generally. I think that she is a very passive person. It never occurs to her to take the initiative. And I think she's a formal kind of person, she doesn't normally get close to others, and is even inclined to maintain a physical distance.

I would encourage you to look on the bright side of all this. She's not giving you a bad time about your involvement with her husband. Not every (man or) woman would be so generous. Even if she's doing it for the wrong reason -- because she doesn't want to rock the boat -- at least she's doing it. That counts for a lot.

You enjoy the time you spend with her (and she does as well). So, since she's so passive and doesn't take the initiative, why don't you go ahead and be the person who does take the initiative? Go ahead and start inviting her to go out with you again. Don't torment yourself with thoughts that she's not the one doing the inviting. Just do it, so that *someone* is doing it.

Anyway those are my first thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Your meta doesn't need to be involved in your relationship with her husband.

In any triad, there are several relationships.

You+the guy
The guy+his wife
You+her
All 3 of you.

If you really like her as a friend, but she is passive, you take the initiative.

If you just feel you "should" be her friend, let it go. Be aware she keeps her distance with EVERYONE, either in contacting for a visit, or being distant when the visit is happening, and don't take it personally.

If you desire her and she doesn't desire you, or is just not that into women sexually, let it go.

Above all, there is no need to force a triad, and certainly no need to break up with your bf just because his wife isn't that into being friends or lovers!

Most poly relationships are Vs. Triads can happen naturally, if there happens to be attraction between the arms of the V, but if that doesn't exist, that's OK, and in fact, it's the usual way.
 
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