Insecurities and uncertainties

[NewToPoly2025]

I’m sorry if this post doesn’t belong here.

My wife is relatively new to poly. We’ve been together for 8 years and married for 6 years. She didn’t tell me about her being poly until almost 5 years into the marriage. She’s also bisexual and that I’ve known the entire time.

I’ve made a post about me not liking the idea of her having another relationship with another man and I haven’t been honest with myself about it.

Previous post: https://polyamory.com/threads/is-having-a-one-gender-preference-okay.157699/

I know this uncomfortable feeling stems from within my own personal insecurities and self-image issues. The truth is, I have had fantasies, even before she told me she was poly, about her being with another guy.

The issue I am having trouble getting over is not her being with another man, it’s the thought of her possibly being with someone else one day that is sexually better than me, her enjoying sex with someone else more than she does with me, her “faking” it when we’re together, after she may have been with someone else.

I understand this is stupid, perhaps even just plain selfish of me. Anyone know how to work on my own insecurities and self-image issues to see past these thoughts? I truly don’t want our marriage to end because of something like this, because I am certain these are obstacles I can overcome.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi NewToPoly2025,

It sounds like you might be okay with your wife seeing another man after all, you just have to get past your insecurities and uncertainties. Has your wife expressed any dissatisfaction with the sex she has with you? Maybe another guy won't be better, just different. It's like going out for Chinese for dinner one day, and getting pizza another day. Neither dinner is better or worse than the other, they're just different and you may be in the mood for one or the other on any given day.

To a large extent, you may just need time to get used to thinking about her with another man. At the same time, you are smart to start a new thread on this, and I am hopeful that others will chime in with more ideas for you. Don't give up too easily, if this is something you think you can navigate. A lot of it is just getting used to the idea of polyamory in general, polyamory doesn't get much media attention, and it is very strange and foreign to most of us (when we first hear of it).

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Tinwen]

The issue I am having trouble getting over is not her being with another man, it’s the thought of her possibly being with someone else one day that is sexually better than me, enjoying sex with someone else more than she does with me, and “faking” it when we’re together, after she may have been with someone else.

The thing is-- it's not a stupid fear. On the contrary, it's likely to happen that she will enjoy sex more with someone else (at least for some time), but it is not the end of the world (or relationship happiness). The last part, fear of faking, can be addressed through communication.

Most people, when they start dating someone, experience what we call New Relationship Energy (that is, the excitement of "falling in love"). This tends to be a hard time to navigate for the original couple, because the NRE partner tends to think about their new interest all the time (which nowadays sometimes manifests as constant messaging, a mistake we hear about a lot). It is also natural that at this time, sex with the NEW person is oh so EXCITING (like you perhaps experienced the first few times ever you were together). The original partner may feel pushed aside or abandoned, and yes, sexually displaced. While in good poly relationships, the NRE partner will make their best effort to make time and mental space for their preexisting relationship(s), this can still be time of intense insecurity. Relationships tend to rebalance after several months or a year, but some features of NRE, including some of the heightened sexual excitement, may last up to three years.

You can see that, although it's doable if your values align with poly philosophy by and large, the price for inviting polyamory into your life as a mono person is not a small one. Some people enjoy their partners' NRE because they can see them happy and energetic like when they first met, and some of the sexual energy may flow over indirectly into the old relationship, if not blocked, but there's never a guarantee that things go great. Polyamory can be a big emotional rollercoaster, but can also stabilize into something intimate and beautiful. But generally, you should have some of your own reasons to adopt polyamory, besides just making your partner happy.

As for addressing insecurities, you are already doing great by bringing them to light and speaking them truthfully. Hopefully you can be as honest with your wife, and hopefully she also has the courage to be truthful and realistic. Counselling or couples' counselling with a poly-friendly therapist may help speed up the process and teach new skills. But it's also doable by educating yourself, doing a lot of introspection, talking to poly people, using self-help techniques, etc.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm glad you've decided to further examine your issues with your first reaction to insist on either a OPP or to split up, as I said in your other thread, to "approach and deconstruct" why you feel this way.

Sexual insecurity can be a big thing to feel, especially if you've always been monogamous. One thing pointed out in your other thread is that a FF sexual relationship can also be very intense and fulfilling. Your wife could just as easily feel NRE for a female lover, and become temporarily obsessed with her, have amazing earth-shattering sex, etc.

The penis is not the be-all and end-all of sex for a bisexual or pansexual woman. After all, women are more likely to experience orgasm from outercourse than from penetration. And, if and when she does want penetration, there are fantastic penis substitutes. You may have heard of dildoes, vibrators and strap-ons. These are insertables that are always hard, and the size can be specialized, or varied, at will. Then there are vibrators that focus on clitoral stimulation entirely. And women know what other women like, since they have the same anatomy. They know the clitoris is not just the little button, but goes all the way down the labia, for example.

Meanwhile, as a bi person, your wife probably appreciates the male anatomy, sure, but she also gets turned on by the beauty of women, which is in general quite different.

Some men just put a penis in a woman, start sawing away, and think that's all that is needed, whereas it's more likely that a female loving a female will use fingers, mouth, toys, and not just focus on the vagina, but on other erogenous zones. Many men these days learn how to do sex from porn, which is directed at men's pleasure, not women's (by and large), so usually consists of a man getting oral sex and then putting his penis inside a woman. When is the last time you've seen porn that perhaps starts with cuddling, then a neck massage or foot rub, whispered endearments and compliments, hair stroking, neck kissing, proper attention to the breasts, deep slow kisses?

Anyway, this might seem off topic, but it's meant to show you that your sexual insecurity could extend to the women your wife dates, not just the men with the cocks...

Sex with another party of any gender (male, female, non-binary, trans) will be varied and different. It could be better, it could be worse, but it will be different. That's a guarantee, indeed, that's kind of the whole point.

Has your wife "faked it" with you before? Has she seemed unsatisfied with your sex? Have you developed your skills beyond putting it in and thrusting for a few minutes, with little preliminary warm-up or variety of activities?

 

[Tinwen]

There is one more thing - again, very common consideration to new couples. Most polyamorous people won't actually share details about their sex with their partners. It's somewhat icky for a new dating prospect to be used to satisfy the fantasies of the original partner, unless pre-agreed that this is exctly why you are all getting together.
If bringing an arousing fantasy to life is what you are looking for, you may want to explore if your wife is indeed polyamorous (looking for multiple loving relationships at a time), or whether she feels she can also be polysexual (wanting to sleep with people, not necessarily wanting to - or actively avoiding - developing a relationship). In that case other modalities of ethical non-monogamy (like swingers, kink,...) can be explored.